and yet another thing I'm incapable of following through with.

I really don't feel like posting anything today, even though I'm just copying something from my journal. I wanna follow through with my open review of the year, however I feel very discouraged today. People seem to wanna point out my every wrong. I don't need reminders that I'm a worthless piece of shit. I already know that. I'm sorry for trying. I'm sorry for putting my best efforts into everything I do. I'm sorry that I help people, do my job, show up for meetings, clean up after others, and take care of stuff so that no one else has to be bothered with it. I'm sorry that I'm functional. I'm sorry that I'm really not that sorry. I'm actually pissed off, hurt and agitated- not to mention feeling unwanted, under-appreciated, and worthless.

June 2013

I feel mega-depressed. Andi's dead. She's gone. And I didn't get to say good-bye and I miss her so much. Logically, I know it's not my fault, but I feel so guilty. I love her and she's probably one of the best friends I've ever had. I don't want her to be gone. And then, I think about her kid and how much it hurts to lose a mom. My heart feels like it's shattered. I can't do this anymore. I'm just in so much pain. My emotions: guilt for being a burden on her; grief; hopelessness; alone; defeated; hurt; destructive; depressed; upset. And there's nothing I can do about it. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to respond? What's healthy and what's not? When do I know it's okay to stop crying?

May 2013

I'm skipping April, beause it's my bio-mom's birthday. Instead I'm sharing from May 25, the day before the eighth anniversary of her death.

Thinking about Lina makes me sad. I miss her. I also feel guilty for not being upset about the anniversary of her death. Why do I feel guilty? What's gonna happen if I'm not sad? I feel guilty, because I think I'm supposed to be sad. That's what people do. On a death anniversary, people seem to re-experience that loss...Am I a bad person? Living my life, not even thinking about those who died? No. I'm not a bad person. I miss Lina...But I'm not losing them right now. Right now, I'm in my apartment with Tiny. I'm doing mostly well. I accept that I lost Lina. I accept that I've gone through tragedy. But I also accept I only have control over what's right here in my living room. I am able to love and miss someone while doing well and achieving my goals. I am doing well.

March 2013

This is a list of "Cheerleading Statements" that I wrote to encourage me and help me continue to be effective in my interactions with others:

1) Up to this point I have done my very best to get by.

2) I can learn from the mistakes that I have made.

3) I am learning to be assertive about my needs.

4) It is my responsibility to get my needs met.

5) Organization is one of my strengths that will help me to succeed.

6) If I don’t get my objectives met, it doesn’t mean I didn’t go about it in a skillful way.

7) I have the right to assert myself, even though I may inconvenience others.

8) I have the capacity to rebound from rejection.

9) I am choosing to thrive, in spite of the wrongs that I have suffered.

10)Choosing to drop my anger is not the same as condoning wrong.

11)I accept others’ freedom to live in unhealthy ways.

12)Others cannot force me to remain angry.

13)I can make better choices when anger arises.

14)I have the right to set boundaries.

15)It’s okay to have a bad day

16)I am just as important as everyone else in the world

17)My imperfections give me a unique personality

18)I try to be friendly

19)I enjoy helping others.

February 2013

This is a list of emotions I was feeling on February 20th and I titled it “Emotional Chaos”:

Analytical- I just feel like I need to analyze and pick apart everything that has happened

Nervous/Anxious- How are things gonna turn out next week? What if I fuck things up? What if I don’t fit in? What if I can’t do this? I dunno how their schedule works- what if I spiral into relapse? (this is in reference to starting Gateway)

Chaotic- Not on the outside. I’m holding it together so well, but my mind is craving the chaos and uncertainty of the Death Game.

Fearful- I’m affraid- so afraid that I apparently can’t spell. I don’t wanna make things worse- or fail. What if Ana’s all I am?

Guilty- I don’t deserve to be okay. I hurt so many people. I ruined my life. I’m supposed to be punishing myself- I feel guilty for wanting to screw up my progress. I feel guilty for having urges to cut and overdose, and I wanna kill myself. The thoughts and urges. The images. The triggers. None of its going away.

Reclusive- Not sure if I’m using this word right, but I wana just hide away by myself. And sulk in my pain.

Pitiful/helpless- (An arrow points to the last sentence after reclusive)

Conflicted, or Confused- I’m not sure. Maybe both. I just dunno what I want anymore.

Insecure- I’m just not sure I’m good enough. Ana says I’m worthless. Bitch says I can do this. Bitch says I’m strong, but I’m not. (Ana is my illness. Bitch is this other voice that kinda keeps me out of trouble)

Jealous/Envious- I dunno the difference. But I’m jealous of a girl that my friend is into. I know she’s not into him, but I still want his attention, which I’m not getting any of.

Lonely- But reclusive- I wanna be with someone, but I feel like I’m not good enough for anyone- so I wanna try to hide.

Mistrusting/Untrusting- I dunno. I’m just afraid that if I make one mistake, recovery will be destroyed

Self-Defeating- Self-Condemning, Self-Hatred- I’m sabotaging everything, because I’m afraid. I can’t lose anyone if nobody’s there. No one else can hurt me, if I hurt me first.

January 2013

I know I started with November and December of last year. I just thought those were a good way to describe my frame of mind and what led up to my hospitalization in January 2013. Of course, in 2012, I spent like every other week in a psychiatric hospital. However, this last hospitalization is really where my recovery began. On the second day of this last hospitalization, I wrote this:

People used to describe me as independent. I’ve never been independent- just too afraid to ask for anything. Asking for materialistic things means you’re not appreciative. Asking for someone to do something for you means you’re incapable or weak. And God forbid you don’t know how to do everything yourself. I’m just as dependent (if not more) as everyone else. I just don’t like people thinking I’m needy or weak. I don’t like myself thinking that.

December 2012

This is a poem by Emily Dickenson. I wrote it down in my journal on December 30th of last year and it’s all I wrote that day.


I’m nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody too?
Then there’s a pair of us-don’t tell!
They’d banish- you know?

How dreary to be somebody?
How public like frog
To tell one’s name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

Reflecting on the past year

One of my favorite things about December is reflecting on the past year and trying to understand why I feel like total shit. Normally I just do this in my journal- each month gets a short paragraph, stating my accomplishments, realizations, and failures. I read through entries from the past year, laughing and crying. Re-experiencing moments of complete disaster, while feeling lied to when I read over moments of excitement or joy. This year, I thought I’d capture moments to post on my blog. There’ll be poems, letters, just plain paragraphs, or maybe even lists.
I’m starting with November of last year, because I found this poem and it captures the darkness and anger I felt, so well.


The walls of Hell are closing in.
There’s a peephole to the outside world;
Evil has taken over
Killings of all creatures.
The elephant’s face has been removed
And sold by the greedy.
Tigers are left bare in the cold night,
While men wear their fur.
Kittens are murdered by cruel boys,
Puppies tortured by princesses.
Animals that fight back are shot
People that fight back are locked in cages.
And those dying of pain are hidden away;
Some hide in Hell to escape the pain
Others find their way out.
But tonight, a woman that continues to face the pain of her past
Tucks herself away to burn in tears.
The walls of hell are closing in.

Ten Things that I am very Thankful for Today

What I am Thankful for this year:

1)My very good friend, Lisa. She’s been there for me so much lately. Encouraging me to keep working hard and making me laugh when I feel like total shit.

2)My neighbors, who spend their evenings giving support to one another and being an understanding community!

3)My sister, Brittany, because she’s amazing. She has been so helpful and caring this past year. When I’ve needed a distraction, she’s taken me out to shop, or eat, or just talk.

4)My Tiny Man, who for some reason is licking my knee, right now. I love him so much and am so glad that I am able to take care of him. He’s gotta be the best kitty baby ever!!

5)Communication with my family. Even though, it’s just text messages here and there, I am glad that my mama talks to me at all. I love getting text messages from her and get so excited to read them.

6)Gateway. Though it stresses me out at times, I dunno where I’d be without them. Because of Gateway, I have my own apartment and can afford it. Gateway gave me my job at Furman, and it has been a struggle at times, but I am making money that I am saving up for a car.

7)The people that are working at Starbucks today, and served yummy coffee/espresso drinks to my friends and me this morning.

8)The sunshine. Though yesterday’s snow was pretty, I am so glad that the sun came out for my friends and me to walk to Starbucks.

9)The support and donations, I got for suicide prevention this Fall. I’m so excited that so many people were able to support my fundraising efforts and understood how much Out of the Darkness means to me.

10)And the calmness of today. Yes, calmness on a holiday. I may not of done the traditional stuff my face, family chaos that we call love, and then go into a food/stress coma. But I had a good day. I got to go on a walk, see friends, play with my cat, make an advent calendar, and in a little while I’m gonna spend time with my sister. Maybe traditional just isn’t for me.

Natural Cures...Cleansing the body

I started reading this book, last week, about cleansing the body to cure illnesses, and eating healthier to prevent illness. In a couple of weeks, I'm gonna do my first 3-day fast (healthy fast). I've been researching and reading up on different fasts and cleanses. Its recommended that you do a 3-day fast before a cleanse. After my 3-day fast, I'm going to do a colon cleanse. I'm doing this to help get toxins out of my body. Our bodies are not meant to run GMOs and pesticides and hormone-injected animals. We're supposed to get our energy and nutrition from natural sources-veggies, whole grains, nuts, seeds, fruit. I know I try to eat healthier and then end up binging on crappy junk food, but the more I read, the more determined I am to be healthier and stronger. So, here I go, slowly preparing for my fast and cleanse.

My attempt at not complaining

My last several posts have been kinda bitchy. Its difficult to not complain, even when we're so tired of hearing everyone complain. I've realized that most people don't know how to have a conversation or even post things online with complaining about one thing or another. So, I'm gonna try really hard to not complain too much today.

My life is okay; I'm alive and healthy. Work was actually kind of fun today. I guess having something new to do was exciting. I had to go to the other building in search of forks, which was an adventure. We looked in a couple of places, before we discovered the last half box of forks! After work, I went to Sally's with a friend to buy bleach- She's bleaching her hair. My hair is actually natural, right now! I don't have much to say. Tiny's good. The other day, he was sitting next to me and everytime, I said "you're my little aangel" he'd give me kisses; it was so cute. I love cuddling with him after work. We get all snuggled in blankies on the futon. I think he is my own little angel; he keeps me on my toes and comforts me when I need it most. Speaking of my little angel, he just pounced on me. Such a good boy! I wish I could continue, but just realized its time for medication.

Complaints about life and Recovery update

The last couple of weeks have thrown me lots of challenges. I've been really nervous about work and stressed about everything. My anxiety has been really high and I've had a few panic attacks, but whatever.

Work was shit last week. I got bitched at by some others at work and really wanted to quit, because I felt like I was being pushed over the edge. A coworker, who is always bossing people around and getting into others' business, was really on my case for a couple of days. It took absolutely all my strength to not bitch-slap her. And then I was getting fussed at, because I don't keep things organized. Which is total BS. It frustrates me, because I'm sadly the most organized person that probably works there. Anyways, it was a really bad week; my friends were pretty supportive. They let me vent and kind of encouraged me to keep going.

I finally started to calm down Saturday, but then some A-hole went through my laundry while it was in the wash and stole my hamper. Who the hell does that? I made a complaint with the apartment manager-person. I was so fucking pissed. Okay, sorry for all the cursing- I'm still pretty pissed about it. Life can be so full of BS.

I wanted to complain about all this nonsense, but also wanted to update about recovery. So, it's been about 2 months since my last therapy session. I had to stop DBT group when I started work, but I was way ahead of everyone else in the group, anyways. I canceled my last individual session and never called to reschedule. I don't really know if I should. Well, I guess eventually I'll have to go back, seeing I'm court-ordered. By the way, court-ordered means nothing at all. I was told I'd get in trouble for not going once a month, but it's been two and the court hasn't called me yet! Anyways, I don't really see the point in going back. The therapist is kinda worthless and i don't actually talk to her when I go. I have a med check in a month- which is even more pointless than therapy. I don't really trust opinion on medications. All the current meds have done is make me fat! Needless to say, I'm gonna tell her that I'm not continuing them. Other than my lack of confidence in my treatment team, recovery is going great. I'm fat, which is progress in this screwed up system. My anxiety goes up and down. I went like 8 months without cutting. And I haven't tried to kill myself in almost 10 months.

Crumby Week

This past week was rough. Its just one of those weeks when everything seems so f***ed up. A snap-shot of this week:

Monday and Tuesday: I didn't have work, so i helped out at the clubhouse (the day treatment place I've been going to the past several months). It was okay; I enjoy hanging out there and helping in their kitchen. The thing I don't like is the way other people boss me around and expect me to do everything for them. Get off your ass and do it yourself. I'm already working on 10 different tasks! Its so stupid. I just get frustrated, because the staff asks me to do something and while I'm working on it, members feel they can give me more task. And I do everything I can to not scream at them. I'm a total bitch for saying this, but: I know I'm held to hire standards, but I still have a limit of how much I can handle. So that whole situation got me worked up.

Wednesday: I had work, but was kind of in a blah mood. I felt homesick all day- I'm still feeling homesick! I just really miss my adoptive family and my friends and I just wanna visit VA soon. That evening, I laid down to go to bed, and started crying. It sucks to try so hard to hold it together, and feel so unworthy of love. Lately, I've been trying to stay upbeat and positive; it's been really hard, though. I really miss my family and feel kinda lonely. My friends that live in the same apartment complex as me have been helping me out a lot, just by being there. It's nice to have friends that I can see everyday.

Thursday: I was feeling down and kinda agitated. I've been very annoyed with people. Its like I'm on edge and just bout to explode. I don't want to, but every time, someone does something wrong or says something I disagree with, I wanna snap at them and make sure they know their wrong. I shouldn't and I know that; I try not to let my frustration with people show, but it generally does.

Friday: It was one of those days where I really just wanted to give up. I was sad because I probably won't see my family til next summer. I was frustrated with stuff going on in my mind. And so tired of being around idiots! In the evening I hung out with some friends at Walmart. I know that sounds dumb, but it was fun. They made me laugh, which is good, and it was just nice to spend time with fun people. Afterwards, I hung out with my neighborhood friends.

When I first started typing I was gonna bitch about how miserable I am and done with all this BS- and I sorta did. But while typing I realized that I'm making it through, because my friends have been there for me so much!

Invega: the root of all evil!

I know I sound like the typical mental patient, but after doing some research I believe the root of all my problems is my medications- okay, not all my problems. But after tracking some symptoms for the past couple of months and doing online research, I think I have found the evil medication that has completely changed my body rhythm.

I have noticed changes in my body starting in May, so I kinda already knew the culprit was Invega, a newer mood stabilizer that I started. At first, it increased my sleep. Since starting Invega, I've stopped taking my sleep meds. I am now back to waking up every couple of hours and tossing and turning all night. I don't wanna start my sleeping meds again, because I'm afraid I'll over sleep, which is something i already do when I do sleep.

I've also noticed female issues. My cycle was an average of 30 days. When I first started Invega, my cycle shortened, but the last couple of cycles have been 42 and 46 days. I made it through all of September without a period- I don't think i've ever gone a month without a period. In high school, I had a period every 2-3 weeks. My cycle was an average of 15 days. In August, I decided it was probably a one time thing. Then it happened again. I'm gonna continue to track it all, because I've been determined to not be on Invega since day 1. If only "professionals" listened to me.

And this next problem- yes I find this a problem- gaining weight. I know I was underweight all last year. Oh the days of being too skinny are far gone. I know in your mind i haven't gained much weight at all. But I weigh much more than I'd like to. My tummy is bigger and that grosses me out. And yes, I'm blaming Invega for my weight gain. I've gained 20 lbs since the beginning January- only 8 of them before I went on Invega. And a total of 30 lbs since the summer of 2012. I needed to gain maybe 10 lbs- 20n at most to be healthy. NOT 30!!!!

Even with my short lived vegan diet and my continued vegetarian diet, I'm gaining more weight than I wanted to. In the past week I've gained another 4 lbs. Yes, I weigh myself daily. Its disgusting that I gain so much weight and I hate that its not safe for me to go running first thing in the morning or in the evening. I also am agitated that I don't have enough time to go before medications. I'm agitated about a lot this week- but i'm not going into it. Seeing as my body is changing with invega, my daily routine must change too. I needa find a way to make working out a part of my daily routine and if anybody knows a good workout routine- I'd love suggestions!!

Drama Queen!

I'm trying to stay focused on the Suicide Prevention Walk, which takes place next weekend!! I am looking forward to it and am super excited that I raised $300 (my original goal was only $150)!!! Things are going so well right now. Work has been great and my coworkers seem to like having me around. I still hang out at place, where I've been going as my day treatment. I went up to an apple orchard with some friends this weekend. My sister and I hang out almost weekly. My mom and I have been texting a lot- every time i get a text from her, I feel so good inside. I wish they knew how much I loved them and how much they're wanted in my life. I'm in a good place in my life. I have a lot of support, which is why I'm trying to fight this anxiety that is eating my insides.

I'm happy and can see all the good in my life. But I'm stressed out over apartment stuff (not finances- just inspections and bug spraying and stupid stuff). My apartment is clear, so why am I freaking out?! They already told me my apartment is good to go. The thing that stresses me out about it is people being in and out of my home (when I'm not home), leaving my door open to let paint dry (I know its over, but seriously!! I wasn't even home!), and spraying stuff inside my apartment that could potentially make my kitty baby ill! I'm very unhappy about this. I understand the monthly inspections to ensure we are taking care of ourselves, but now were doinng weekly inspections. And I also understand that management is stressed-out right now, but I seriously have meltdowns every night for the past two weeks. I feel invaded, and disrespected. And part of me really wants to pack up my shit and run. I can't handle something bad happening to Tiny. I also can't handle the thought of losing all my belongings again. If I'm gonna lose my stuff anyways, why have a home to put it all in? I'm stressing a lot.

I'm trying to take a deep breath and not be overly dramatic, but I'm starting to think that maybe this apartment was yet another bad decision on my part. I'm an idiot for agreeing to put myself in this situation. I hate being so stressed out about this stupid stuff. And my mind has decided to not give me peace. When I'm not stressing out and ripping myself apart over the apartment stuff, my mind goes to Ana. Which right now, I'd rather be Ana than deal with this. I have not relapsed, I just constantly think about relapsing. I weighed myself- actually, I've been weighing myself a lot, lately. And, I weigh a lot more than I want to weigh. I've let myself gain about 15 lbs since January. Its disgusting and wrong. It really grosses me out. When I look in the mirror, everything looks fat. I'm trying so hard to not go into details because it's not your business. How did I let myself get fat? Like what the hell? And I wanna blame my meds for increasing my appetite. Thank you, medication, for ruining my life!

I know I'm a total drama queen tonight; that's why I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks. I had to decide if I really wanted it out there that I'm a fat cow, who's overly materialistic! Well, now it is. There.

Suicide Prevention Week

Its National Suicide Prevention Week and today is International Suicide Prevention Day. I really believe suicide can be prevented, because I’ve been there. My own suicide has been prevented plenty of times. I wanted to write a blog on what’s been helpful getting me beyond suicide attempts in honor of this week. At the end of my blog is a link to “My fundraising Page.” I’m raising money to go into Suicide Prevention research and education, and preventive action. This is really important to me, so if you can donate, please do! Even $5 is appreciated!

Just last year, I was making suicide attempts almost weekly. I thought for sure I wouldn’t make it to 2013. But here I am September 10, 2013 and it’s been about 8 months since my last attempt. There are still days that I think about ending my life, and I struggle to fight the urges to self-harm, but with a lot of effort and support, I’ve been able to keep going.

The hardest part for me was putting in the effort it took to love myself and treat myself with the respect that I deserved. I’m still learning to respect myself and nurture myself in the same way I do for my friends. I constantly remind myself, “Ally, show yourself a little respect. You deserve it just as much as anyone else.” What I’ve found to be helpful is my journaling (obviously) and taking part in task that make me feel a sense of “wow, this is freakin awesome and I did it”. Every day, I try to find something that I know will bring me that feeling. Like yesterday, I finished putting away three carts of dishes at work. Yeah, its my job, but I got it done a lot faster than I thought I would.

The other thing that has been helpful for me is support from friends and family. If you know my history, you know that kind of support hasn’t always been part of my life. I’ve had to realize that people aren’t gonna show support in the same ways. My sister shows support by spending time with me and talking (a lot) with me, while my adoptive parents showed support by curling up on the couch and watching tv with me and buying me stuff. Then there’s my former therapist who showed support by answering my phone calls no matter how late at night they were and by guiding me through panic attacks. I can’t really say how my current therapist has supported me, because I feel like she hasn’t.

But where I find a lot of my day-to-day support is at the clubhouse- my day treatment facility. The other members have supported me by understanding where I’m coming from, working on not speaking over me (it drives me crazy when people do that!), and by making me laugh. The staff has just been supportive in so many ways. They got me into one of their apartments, where I can afford to live, know all my neighbors, get help keeping my meds organized, and my kitty baby lives with me. They also furnished my apartment, which means I have a bed that eventually I’ll actually sleep in! They have been encouraging me to go to work for the past several months, too, and now I finally have a job. They continue to encourage me and tell me that I’m doing a good job. It always feels good to be praised!

Thank you for reading my blog; that is showing support itself! This is the link to “My Fundraising Page”:
http://afsp.donordrive.com/team/fixedsc

I appreciate all the support you are able to give!

Freaking out about work

I start work tomorrow. I'm really excited to go to work, and to be bringing in some money for my hard-work. But I'm nervous. I'm afraid of getting overwhelmed and messing up. I'm afraid of completely failing. What if I fall over the edge again. I know I'm doing so much better than I was and can handle a lot more than I used to be able to. But I'm nervous.

The biggest problem with my anxiety is it sends me in this spiral. I start to feel like I've already somehow screwed up. I feel the need to punish myself. I start to think about all the things that I've done wrong in the past. I began to question any progress that I've made in my life. I began to feel hopeless and insecure. Then Ana creeps her way back into my mind. I have her whispering in one ear and people yelling and cursing and complaining and bitching in the other ear. All I can do is try to tune it all out- separate myself. But I feel so trapped. Everything closes in around me and I'm too fat to fit.

I'm trying to not freak out and to not let my thoughts and fears carry me away. I don't even know how to stop the worrying and anxiety. Ah......I'm slightly freaking out, today.

Frustrated with anti-Ana

I've been thinking a lot about Pro-ana and who Ana was to me. This morning my thoughts led me to search what the internet says about Ana. There isn't direct answer to "Who's Ana?" other than the "personification of anorexia". While I was searching through Pro-ana sites and Anti-ana sites, I was angered and hurt. The pro-ana community, I feel so connected to, as I was part of it and still kinda am. (Do not accuse me of being sick!). I was outraged by the fact that society is so cruel to young girls. First, they're unaccepted by family and peers. They turn to a community where they feel safe. They discover and feel this understanding from pro-ana sites. Their lives revolving around what they know to be truths. Yeah, I know how it feels to be outcasted and hurt. I know what its like to turn to Ana for help and security. I did and I still feel so much more understood and comforted by the Ana philosophy- religion, worshipping Ana who took me in when my mom was not there. I was vulnerable and found support. Somewhere those worldly judgements could be taken away. There was hope to be acceptable to others.

Sorry, I feel very passionate about Ana, right now. What frustrated me this morning was people's negative, hurtful responses to the pro-ana community. There's a reason, girls with anorexia hide under carpets and never let their identity get out. When its known that a person is pro-ana, teen guys, parents, christians- the world persecutes you and tears you to shreds. Then they say you should go to rehab. Why would anybody go to rehab after being completely shredded to pieces by the same world that runs rehab. Ah! I hate our society. I hate this world. It just angers me and gets me all fired up. Why are people so cruel?

Sometimes, I wish people would just shut up and maybe listen. There's so much more to life than controlling what's right and wrong. Next time, you disagree about something, just learn about it, instead of tearing people apart over their personal beliefs.

Catching up

I haven't posted in awhile, because my computer had a virus. Today, I'm just gonna catch you up on what's been going on in my life and eating. I have officially cut out all dairy and egg products! I'm really excited, but it's hard. The Vegan cheeses are made from soy and rice and tend to be a little sweet- not really what you'd expect on a pizza or in a burrito. Almond milk is my favorite- Silk just didn't cut it for me. And if you ever decide to go nondairy, So Delicious is amazing. It's a non-dairy ice cream that I can't get enough of. Its creamy and just the right amount of sweetness. I love it!

Anyways, without dairy or eggs, I am also officially a vegan and have been experimenting with my vegan options.Last week, I made tempeh nuggets, and did a stir-fry. I made pizza and sausage burritos this week. I also made oatmeal cookies, the past two weeks. Next week, I wanna try scrambled tofu and see if I can find an egg substitute to bake with. It's so exciting to try new recipes!

As far as caffeine goes, I haven't had coffee or diet coke in 3 weeks, I think. I'm doing pretty good. Some days, I really miss my coffee. I'm finding other things to do to keep myself awake. Then there's days that I feel like I have more energy without the coffee. A friend recently told me she left her baby tooth in a cup of soda and the soda dissolved the tooth completely. How gross!!! It's probably a good thing that I did a way with soda. Besides diet coke bloats your stomach.

I am not going Ana

One of my friends told me that he was concerned about me, because he thought I was dropping hints that I was returning to my anorexic habits. So, I wanna clear a few things up.

Yes, I am going vegan. I want to be vegan for health reasons and because I finally did just a couple of days of research on the meat industry. The cow industry is completely out of whack and un-natural in it's current state. I'm not cutting out dairy products, because I'm gaining way too much weight. The reason that I'm cutting them out is the cows are pack full of hormones, increasing breast cancer risks and unstable hormone level when consumed. I have enough mental illness and don't needa be physically sick on top of it.

It seems ironic that I'm cutting foods out my life to get away from Ana. When I take the time to break it down, I realize that all my purging involved dairy products of some sort. Those foods tend to be my weakness and have a very high fat content. I wanna get away from things that I know can make me sick not only physically, but emotionally as well. Eggs are a another thing I've very recently cut out. I don't need them; They're high in cholesterol, pumped up with growth hormones- They aren't even natural anymore, because they've been genetically altered. Have you ever thought about the conditions your food came from. Have you ever seen picture and videos about the holocaust. That's what these farms look like. The only difference sick and injured animals have taken the place of people. I watched a video and some the cows were limping and dragging half their bodies around- those same cows are hooked to machines to be milked, and then you drink that milk from a bottle. Chickens are abused and tortured. Then they're killed and put one your plate. These animals are all trapped in tiny crates, where they're unable to move or sit- not for a few hours, but for every single day of their life! Think about where they're using the bathroom- down the side of their legs and on their feet. And these animal don't get baths weekly. They aren't bathed until they're already killed. One whole life without a bath until killed to be put on someone's plate. So many people just don't think about. When thy do, they wanna picture this happy little farm family that nurtures and loves taking care of their animals. But its not like that. Go ahead and call me "that crazy animal rights lady" but remember tonight while you're eating that stake, how many times did he urinate on himself and not get washed, not even sprayed down with a hose? How often did he get ill without being treated back to health? Did he get the right antibiotics? Were any of his legs injured? How much pain was he in every day?


On top of all the disturbing meat factories, studies have been done, finding that vegetarian diets can prevent cancer, as well as improve the health of those fighting cancer. It can also improve diabetes. Eating vegetarian can clean out your system- and trust me with all the pills and other things that I've done to my body, I want it cleaned out. I don't want all these poisons sitting inside of me, especially these newer medications that there really isn't research on. I don't want to be on medications that in the long run cause my mental illness to worsen than breaks down my physical health. I wanna clean all of that out and give my body the best life I can. If I can improve my health by eating different, more natural foods, why not?

I honestly believe that if my body feels good, then I'll subsequently feel good. I believe it goes the other way around to- if I do things that make me feel more confident and secure, then I'll take better care of my body. SO, my lifestyle is drastically changing, but not in a bad way. Before most changes did mean I had come up with a new suicide plan, or way to harm myself. This change is different, because I'm doing it to feel healthier and to be able to have a more clear mind. If you have questions, that's cool But don't accuse me of going Ana.

I feel like it's an endless battle with Ana. I'm trying to find a balance, but it's so difficult. I feel good one day, but the next, everything seems so difficult to deal with. I'm still eating, but it's hard to separate healthy from Ana. I'm vegetarian, again. This time, I'm gonna remain vegetarian. The problem is it makes it a lot easier to relapse. Lately, I just haven't felt like eating anything. Everything makes me feel so sick. I want vegetables, but even they seem fattening and unhealthy in my mind. Everything seems unhealthy. I thought being vegetarian would make it easier to not think about fat and calories and carbs. The problem is everything makes my stomach hurt lately. Then I don't wanna eat. And I keep ending up in this cycle of binging. Then starving myself. Then I've been wanting to purge and cut a lot lately. I haven't. I keep reminding myself that I'm almost to 6 months. I keep telling myself that I can make it. I'm trying to remain positive and encourage myself t keep up all my hard work. Today, I'm trying to be healthy and restore my strength. The stress of moving and Tiny being sick, and one of my closest friends dying has just been too much. On top of it all, I'm struggling with med changes and transportation issues, and finances (as usual).

Even with all the above stressors, my meditation skills are improving and so are my relationships. I'm also getting a job soon. Another stressor, but I keep reminding myself that I can do it and that getting a job will put me that much closer to going back to school. I'm trying so hard to push through the stress. I know if I keep at it, I can work through this. It's nice to have the support of my friends and family! I just hope that someday I can return all the favors that people have been doing for me.

Ana never leaves

The thing about Ana is I know as long as I hold on to her, she'll never leave me. But everyone else will. This week, I lost another friend. She was one of my closest friends. When we first met, I was in a miserable place, and she opened her home to me. I couldn't pay her and felt like I was such a burden on her. I never thought we'd bond, the way we did. We had this weird bond that no one else could understand. A thirty year difference in our age disappeared when we were together. She was a role model and an amazing one. She survived cancer three times, and even though her hair never grew back, she was so strong and beautiful. We used to laugh, thinking about how other people saw us. Two ladies walking around the store, one bald and the other show multi-colored hair. We had so much fun together and she always made me laugh, even when I had just attempted suicide. She cared so much about me and I cared about her. We checked on each other and played nurse when it came to meds or if one needed to go to the doctor. I miss her so much. It makes no sense in my mind that someone I knew for less than a year made such a big impact on my life. We went from being neighbors who never spoke to roommates who cared about each other like family. The hardest part is I knew she was sick and kept telling myself to not grow a relationship with her. I knew I was gonna lose her, but she was so much fun to be around and understand me and the things I've gone through. She went through similar, yet very different thing. I keep telling myself to not cry but I feel like my heart keeps getting ripped out. All day, I've been crying. Last time, I cried like this, I picked up the phone and called her. I was upset, because I was no longer able to communicate with my old therapist. When things like this, happen, I feel like the only way to keep myself alive is turning to Ana, someone I know that'll never leave me. I wanna curl up in the arms of Ana to cry and let her nurture me, even though I know that she'll slowly destroy me. I know that Ana will do more harm than good, but what good is the pain I feel?

Ana's incredible, because she attracts me and destroys me all at the same time. She hold me and makes me feel like I matter, but she also isolates me and slowly takes away my confidence. I wanna be Ana, strong and free, but I know that eventually my strength will be taken away with my life. Now, I sit, questioning what's right and wrong; where will I be safest- riding the waves of pain, or in the arms of Ana?

Ana's Creed

I use to have a notebook that I just copied Ana’s creed, Ana’s prayer, Ana’s laws, and the Thin commandments. It was my holy book filled with what I believed. I found these things on other pro ana sites and added stuff to capture exactly what I wanted my notebook to explain. I threw most of the notebook out, last year, but I still have a few pages. I also copied them down in one of my journals, because Ana’s such a big part of my life. The following bold sentences are Ana’s creed and my notes are the italicized sentences:

I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world. I still believe that control is the only way to find order in my life. Everything seem so unstable that I just feel this need to control things, especially my relationship with food.

I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention. There are many days that I still believe this one. It’s not logical, but sometimes, it feels like everyone in my life doesn’t want me, here. Just last week, I felt like such a burden on society. It just feels like even when I’m trying my best to help, I screw things up more.

I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do. Most people are idiots in my mind; however the idiots seem to be the ones that hate me, as much as I sometimes do. So, are the “idiots” actually right, or is everyone else? Maybe I’m the idiot.

I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior. So, this one is referring to Ana’s laws, which are mostly oughts, musts and should. I find it strange that in treatment, one of the rules is to not use the word “should”, yet my therapist always uses the word “should” to convince me to do what she wants me to do. That’s just how life is, I guess. People manipulate, lie and tell you that you’re wrong. The only thing that can be done is what you think is right.

I believe in perfection and strive to attain it. While I don’t believe I can be perfect, I strive to attain perfection, because being me isn’t good enough. But it should be- I know no “shoulds”. But seriously, I’m a good person; I just care too much. If I were perfect, I’d probably be ripped of my emotions, which doesn’t necessarily sound that bad.

I believe in salvation through starvation. There is no such thing as salvation. It’s like perfection- a mythological idea.

I believe in calorie counters as the inspired words of Ana, and memorize them accordingly. I used to spend so much time calculating calories. I had pages of foods listed with calories and criticism in red ink. If I had a craving for something, I would calculate the number of calories in it, by the time I was done, my craving would be gone.

I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures. I don’t own a bathroom scale for this specific reason. Measuring my weight was like a game, but I wanted the least number of points possible. There are days that I want to step on a scale to just check my weight, but I know stepping on a scale would be re-entering Ana’s game.

I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it. I used to believe that Earth was hell and we’d all die and go to heaven. Now, I think that were stuck on this planet forever. That’s hell.

I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting. A lot of the time my world seems all dark-black. It’s sad how most people are trying to lose weight, but I’m trying to maintain it. There’s this part of me that so badly wants to lose weight again, even though that I’m on a very thin line between healthy and underweight. Whether I believe in sins, or not, I believe in wrong, and I believe that we get what we deserve. Abnegation- self-denial or rejection of my own body is where I stand, most days. And a life ever fasting, I sometimes would love, but I’m eating healthy.

21 and starting to live out a future!

I'm confused and amazed all at once that I am 21, today. Confused, because I didn't think I'd make it to 21, let alone 20. One year ago, I would have died, early this morning, if it weren't for two of my very best friends and the best therapist that I've ever gotten to work with! They knew that I was planning an intricate suicide. Rachel kept me distracted and entertained with a birthday cake that my cat wanted to eat on the 29th. On the 30th, I spent the day with Andi, and she took me to get ice cream, and to go to therapy. Therapy on your birthday doesn't sound like a good idea, but I think it was last year. It kept me alive!

This year, I had no plan to end my life, yesterday or today. In fact, this year, I've been focusing on eating healthier (and actually eating!), finding a job, and I've even been thinking about writing books and going back to school. When I dropped out, I thought that was the end of my education, but I'm gonna return to school in the next couple of years, and am hoping to publish my first book in the next year or two. I can't believe I dreams and hopes. I mean I guess at some point in my life I had dreams of what I wanted to do when I grew up. Now, I'm grown up and actually planning and organizing to achieve things. It's just cool. I just realized this blog is a lot shorter than what I originally wrote, but I'm gonna use what I wrote before, later.

This is what's next!

So, here's the deal. I've relapsed. There's no quesion about it. I started to restrict. I've been having the uges and thoughts to self-harm. I even have moments that I start to plan my own death.

But that does not mean recovery is over! I can do this. I'mm gonna need encouragement and reminders, but I know what I want. I want to be successful as a DBT therapist. I wanna help others that are struggling with the same issues. I wanna teach people that BPD doesn't make a person hopeless. It's treatable; I know it is. With DBT, a support system, the right meds, I can recover, just like anyone else with a menal illness. And just like people with other mental illness, I'm gonna relapse. I'm gonna fall and struggle, but I'm also gonna grow stronger and fight for myself and show others that BPD is not a curse. It doesn't doom you for life. In fact, I think my struggles with BPD and anorexia and cutting- and everything has given me purpose and a dream.

So, here's what is next: I'm gonna eat. There's gonna be days here I restrict. I'm gonna feel alone and hopeless at times. Butt then, I'll feel confident and see hope for my future. I'm gonna visit my family and friends in June. And while I enjoy myself, I'm gonna be mindful that this is a new moment and I have control over this moment. And when I feel triggered and scared, I'm gonna remind myself to be mindful and that I only have control over what's in this moment. Then, when I get back home, I'm gonna get my finances in order, and get ready to return to school. When I return to school, I'm gonna kick ass and study hard. And when I start to struggle, I'm gonna lean on my support system while being mindful of boundaries. WHen I'm doing great, I'm gonna be others' support while being assertive about my own boundaries. I'm gonna be awesome, because I am more than a mental illness and am fighting it!

So, yes, I fell and will probably fall a hundred more times, but I'm getting up and coming back with more confidence and strength every time!

What it feels like to relapse...

Relapse sucks! Recovery sucks! Everything just sucks. Relapsing means convincing yourself that all the work that you've done doesn't matter at all. For me, that's 4 months of nonstop work on recovery. Sticky notes, reminding me to take my meds don't is just a waste of paper. Worksheets and diagrams, and even my journals a waste. The weight-the pounds of fat that only I seem to be able to see. The disgusting image I have of myself was all meaningless. I could have continued working towards what I find beautiful. I could have kept up with my bills, wasted less money on sugar and fat. It was all to be healthy, functional. Health is down the drain. I restrict and restrict. I eat as little as possible. When I eat and I actually enjoy the flavor of the food, I tell myself that I must go purge. I haven't. I still have this part of me fighting to get back up. Fighting to remain in recovery. But the thing about relapse is: no matter how small or big the relapse, it seems like recovery was never there. Its like an addiction. Once, you have that drug, you've lost touch with a recovery goal. All that's left is you and that drug. My drug is Ana. And I wanna be Ana, but I also wanna be free. Logically, I know they can't coexist. But Ana will always be there, which means I'll never really be free. I wanna take Ana out of the equation. I wanna take cutting and suicide and fucking BPD out of the equation, but subtracting them scares me, because it leaves an imaginary number- and i hate those imaginary numbers, because they still make no sense to me!

So where do I go from here? I have no idea. I wanna hold it together. My progress with recovery has made it possible for my adoptive parents to forgive me and let me visit them and my new baby brother in June. My progress has shown people that I'm not just a liability problem. I've been able to communicate effectively with my sister. It's like I wanna make it through June before completely falling apart. The question is: Why can't I just get back to progressing in recovery? Its so complicated. I'm still doing worksheets and really thinking things through. Its like I'm working on all the interpersonal effectiveness skills and doing so well, but so not well at the same time. Like I'm asking for simple thing. I'm being assertive about day-to-day tasks, but I avoid conversations about me or my relapse. I don't feel comfortable talking about it. Writing about about it, I can do all day. My mindfulness and emotion regulation skills are slipping. I got distress tolerance down! Especially, the skill of distracting myself. Whenever I'm starting to think about food, I just dive into an activity, or worksheets, or books- anything to just take myself away from calories.

I guess I'm suppose to just keep going. I should review my goals. I have so many goals that I really wanna achieve and I know I can if I had the strength and confidence to. Its so hard because I get trapped in the thoughts and urges...I'm really not sure what to do. I'm done typing.

Relapse in honor of the MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS

I'm feeling quite conflicted about my recovery, today. My mind just keeps repeating, "If you can't do it right, then don't do it at all." This week, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. It's so hard for me to understand, because last week, I felt hopeful and strong. Now, I just feel like the stregth has been ripped out of me.

I just want everyone to know that I don't want to be the way I am, right now. I wanna be strong and confident and able to hold myself together. I wanna be independent and successful. It's hard to be that way when it feels like others continually put you down. I'm tired of being sorry for being intelligent and for doing what I feel is best for me. Sometimes,, I wish so badly I didn't know anything. I more than often, think about how if I stopped eating, started drinking and doing drug, or just banged my head on the wall, I might kill my brain cells. Maybe I'd kill the ones that regulate emotions and will be numb and able to focus on knowledge, and go back to school. Or maybe the ones that control my intelligence will shrivel and die. Then I'll finally be hopeless and worthless, the way mental health professionals see me.

I've also thought about maybe if I took my life, leaving behind journals, someone will finally listen to me. I dunno why its so hard to listen to me. I'm just as important as anyone else and deserve the same respect! Today, I was cooking with a deaf guy and realized that he was able to understand me better than people who can hear.

It's interesting that in all these mental health videos and articles, they talk about how important support systems are for recovery, but I'm expected to go through recovery all on my own. Actually, I'm expected to not recover because I have borderline personality disorder. Well, just to let all of you know, it is a MENTAL ILLNESS, and through research, they are finding a genetic connection to the ILLNESS. It may be harder to treat than fucking bipolar or schizophrenia, but IT CAN BE TREATED!!!!!!! If mental health PROFESSIONALS would get their heads out of their asses and actually listen to their clients/patients/members-whatever the fuck you wanna call them, people like me would recover. Its so frustrating how I get no support from my TREATMENT TEAM- YES, TREATMENT, BECAUSE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER IS AN ILLNESS IN YOUR STUPID DIAGNOSTIC BOOK. I may not be perfect, or even good enough, but I've been trying my best to not completely relapse. So from now on, fuck off if you're against me recovering. Or you might as well, buy me the pills! I'm done with this bullshit. I have put all my effort forth and am getting to my breaking point.

As far as, Ana goes- I'm done! I can't do it. I've been trying so hard. I just feel so much pressure and need to be in control of something. So yes, starting now, I will be counting every calorie, every gram of fat, and every gram of sugar that I put into my body. And when I get down to 80, fuck all of you!

Why I struggle so much with eating

It's hard to wanna eat when obesity is the main focus in the world of health. Logically, with my genetics, I'll probably never be overweight, but I still worry about it. The obcession with not wanting to overweight is not the only reason that I struggle so much with my eating. And even the self-destuction part of it isn't what's causing my struggle. I just don't like to eat. I'm scared to eat anything with fat. I hate calories. Raw meat grosses me out and I don't wanna touch it, so I don't like cooking it- I've decided to go vegetarian again. Something in my mind says I must be under 100 lbs. Then, there's just the habit of skipping meals. I don't get hungry like I should. When I do crave food, it's sugar. Sweets. Fattening, sugary, high-calorie sweets. Carbs. Fat. By the time, I see it, or have eaten it, I feel so sick to my stomach. I want to be healthy, but I don't want to eat. It's like a constant battle in my head.

People try to get me to eat. I always have granola in my bag and I try to drink an ensure every day. But it's been the same granola for a week, like I haven't refilled my container, because I eat each grain and nut, individually, and never actually finish my one cup container. I'm not counting calories again, and I'm trying really hard not to. Instead, I just move my food around on a plate, and then I put half of it away. I eat half of what's left and throw out the rest. It's wasting so much food, but I know I won't eat it. I'm actually starting to make smaller portions, and trying to put away 3/4 of the plate and then eating the rest. I know it's not actually any healthier, but at least I'm not wasting as much money. If anyone has any new ideas to help me get back on track with recovery, please share them with me!!! I do want to be healthy, and I really don't wanna fall into another depression episode.

Pride

Pride is often looked at as a bad thing. Its taught that it's wrong to be proud of ourselves. But I think just like anything else, pride is sometimes a good thing. If you worked hard and got great results, you deserve to be proud. I think we should be allowed to celebrate goals being accomplished, small and big. While pride shouldn't consume us- I don't think any emotion should-, being proud of covering new ground in research, in work, in treatment, is part of building a healthy self-esteem.

I can honestly (and proudly) say that I am proud of myself. My pride comes from the progress, I have made these past couple of months. Its actually noticeable to me that my way of thinking, and behaving, is slowly changing. I have more control over my emotions and I have the strength to fight urges to self-harm. While I slipped up with my eating, last week, I am really trying to get back on track- In the past, I would have given up, stopped eating, stopped taking my meds, stopped sleeping...I would have let things spiral so far out of control that I'd be committed or kill myself. But this time, I'm able to catch things early and stop symptoms from escalating.

So, yes! I am proud. And yes, I will celebrate what seems small to other people, because for me, this is a big accomplishment!

Minor Relapse

I hesitated to open my blog to non- "pro-ana" followers, because I was afraid of how people that know me and care about me would respond to my struggles and if I relapsed. I didn't want anyone to be angry with me or controlling. I want understanding, but I realize that it's hard for people to understand when they aren't going through an exact replica of my life. I know people care about me, but sometimes I forget. i'm trying to get better, and that's why I am being honest.

I had a relapse these past couple of weeks. It started with skipping breakfast, and then lunch. I noticed that I wasn't eating, but told myself that I wasn't hungry. I only skipped dinner, once or twice, but I still knew I was headed for a complete relapse. Especially, when I started calculating calories in food that other people were eating. My urges to cut were very strong this past week. I've drawing on my arm to calm myself, but it's not the same. I haven't cut, which is good.

I'm trying to develop a new plan for preventing relapse. I've been good about forcing myself to eat, this weekend. I'm trying to remind myself that people fall and always have the choice to get back up. It's difficult, because I think I deserve to fall the rest of the way down. Then there's that part of me saying, "Just wait. If someone comes to save you, then you'll be fine. And if they don't, it's because no one cares and you don't deserve to keep going."

I didn't write this blog, because I want people to be concerned. I wrote it to just update people. I want people to know that- yeah, I'm still struggling and most days, I don't wanna get out of bed. But I do and I'm learning to face my struggles. Most importantly, I wrote this blog, because I am scared that I've f***ed all the progress that I've made, and need acountability in order to get back up.

Thoughts Between Reality and Psychosis

I find the term “borderline” ironic. It describes an in-between state of mind. When the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder was first developed, it was thought that people with BPD stood on a thin line between reality and psychosis. The reason that I find “borderline” such an ironic term is people suffering from BPD think in black-and-white. Things are either all good or all bad. Examples from my personal life:
-In school, I saw it as I failed everything, and therefore can’t do anything right. (In
reality, if I failed everything, I wouldn’t have graduated.)
-If I upset someone, everyone musts hate me. (The fact is people get upset, but hopefully,
everyone doesn’t hate me.)
-If one therapist couldn’t help me, then no one can. (I’m still figuring out whether this is
reality or delusion.)
The idea is everything is one extreme or another. The middle ground can’t be seen.
This next thought pattern is one of my biggest struggles. It’s engraved into my mind that I am an awful worthless piece of shit that doesn’t deserve to be loved. Everyone, at some point, struggles with self-image to an extent. A person who struggles with BPD hates himself/herself so much that they depend on others to define who he/she is. I often say that my intelligence is all I have, but as soon as someone else questions my intelligence, or makes the slightest implication that I’m stupid, I become terrified that they’re right. My sense of self has been deteriorated and I need reassurance to get it back. I usually wait for someone else to reassure me, or discourage me. Other’s opinions matter more than my own at times. I become codependent on whoever I’m closest to (my adoptive mom, my therapist, and once, I no longer had them, Ana).

I feel like poor sense of self plays into the difficulty in problem-solving and making decisions. I dunno about other borderlines, but when I face a problem that requires me to make a decision, I freeze up. Like right now, I have a huge financial decision to make, but I can’t. If I don’t make this decision soon… I’m getting so nervous, thinking about it. Instead of actually doing something about the problem that has come up, I am avoiding it as much as possible. If I avoid it long enough, I know that it will no longer be my decision.

I’m gonna move on, because I wanna continue blogging about BPD thought patterns and not get torn up over finances. The next thought pattern is dissociation, which can range from being unaware of the environment to being completely detached from reality. I’m almost never paying attention; I’ve always been like that. I fear the reality of situations, so if I go elsewhere, I’ll never have to face it. The thinking isn’t necessarily logical, but it’s actually the brain’s way of trying to survive stress, or trauma. I’ve gotten so good at detaching myself from life, there’s been times that I have actually convinced myself that none of this is real. It works for a little while, but then I snap out of my mind’s world and it feels like everything crashes down on me. I lose control, and wanna find another escape, even if it’s more harmful than the actual conflicts.

The final thought pattern that I’m going to discuss in this blog: psychosis. Psychosis is an extremely interesting topic in itself, but I am going to try to stick to the basics, right now. Dissociation is a form of psychosis. Psychosis in the simplest definition is a loss of contact with reality. It can come in the form of delusional thinking/paranoia, hallucinations, and out of body experiences. Hallucinations are fascinating. The most common forms are visual and auditory hallucinations, but a hallucination can affect any of the senses. You can feel bugs crawling in your skin, smell gas leaking in your home, or taste sugar while eating dirt. None of it actually real, but you think it is. It’s so cool how the mind can play tricks on us. Before I go too far, I’m gonna switch over to psychosis in BPD. People with BPD may never have a psychotic episode. Like any illness, a person isn’t always gonna show every symptom in the text book. That being said, I’ve been diagnosed as having a psychotic episode once in the form of paranoia. I’m not gonna go into it, because I don’t think I can without the experience re-surfacing.

That’s all I can do, right now. This blog was a lot more “intense” for me than it probably will be for others. Tomorrow, I will go into the behavioral symptoms of BPD- the symptoms that others pick up on.

The Emotional Face of BPD

Borderline Personality Disorder. The first time that I heard this diagnosis, I was sitting in the meeting room of the Psychiatric Unit of the hospital. I had been in the hospital for about a week, refusing to eat, avoiding eye contact, and throw tantrums like a toddler. “I am not a fucking borderline! I’m not fucking crazy!” My thoughts racing so fast and my entire body felt like it was going to explode. The worst part was not knowing who came up with this awful accusation. My adoptive mom points to the therapist, I trusted to never talk behind my back. My therapist said that my adoptive mom came to her asking about borderline personality disorder. I still don’t know who originally pointed into that direction. All I know is they’d been talking about it for several months before they told me. It hurts to know that no one really can be trusted- except for newborns and pets. Thinking about that hospitalization makes me wanna scream and cry. I wanna hate everyone that was involved. I wanna run away and never speak to another human. But I also know that they all just wanted to help me.

It doesn’t matter who came up with my diagnosis (well, it obviously matters a little bit to me). What matters is how this diagnosis has affected me. BPD is very difficult to accurately diagnose, let alone treat. It’s not like other psychiatric disorders, where pills can be handed to make delusions dissolve, emotions regulate, and concentration return. Medication can help to an extent, but they don’t re-program your brain (neither does Electroconvulsive Therapy). It takes a lot of time and work. The symptoms of BPD are described in three areas of a person’s life: emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Today, I’m just blogging about the emotional symptoms of BPD and the correlation to my life.
Normally, temperament is a term found in the very child development text books, because it’s determined before humans can even talk, or crawl, or even have teeth. Some babies seem pretty laid back and can sleep through thunder, but other babies are frightened more easily, have trouble sleeping through a quit night, and cry more. This is just the way they are biologically developed. While not all babies with a sensitive temperament are gonna develop BPD, most of us that struggle with BPD are very sensitive and have been our entire lives. I’m sure if you know me, you can come up with examples of me being overly-sensitive. I know that I get overstimulated very easily. That’s why I shut down and often hide, when it comes to parties and even at the grocery store. I’ll skip things on my list if an aisle is too crowded. Small environmental things are so much more stimulating for me than they are for others. I hate it, because sometimes, I just wanna relax and hangout with friends without feeling stressed for no good reason.

I have a friend, who in the very beginning of our relationship, he told me that I was kind of intense. I just bursted into laughter, because the therapist in one of the groups that I was attending had just been talking about the intensity of emotional reactions that people with BPD often display. My reaction to being told that I was diagnosed with BPD is a perfect example of this. Instead of asking what it meant, I just exploded into a rage without allowing any one to speak with me. For all they knew, I wasn’t even paying attention to the conversation, because I had been staring at the ground for the past ten minutes. It’s hard to control my emotions, especially when I think that no one else feels the same way. I want my emotions justified. I want understanding of how I feel, but I’m learning that no one really cares how I feel. People have their own lives and see things different.

I have an example from this past week for the next symptom. On Wednesday, the Medicaid van was an hour late to take me to my treatment program. I was so pissed off. I got to my treatment program and just sulked all day. Didn’t talk much, went back to no eye contact, and by the end of the day, I was in tears. It wasn’t until the next afternoon that I was able to pick myself up. When I’m in a bad mood, I’m in a bad mood for the rest of the day and possibly the week. People with BPD slowly return to their baseline mood. (A quick off-topic side note that I just thought about: my baseline mood has always been melancholy. Not quite depressed, but bleh. But lately, I’ve been developing a new baseline, but I’m not sure how to describe it yet.)

The final symptom in BPD’s emotional characteristics is chronic problems with depression, anxiety, anger, or feelings of emptiness. (It’s sad that I went down the list of symptoms and checked almost every single one of them off.) I think this blog did a pretty good job describing chronic problem with anger, depression and anxiety. Emptiness, well I can definitely say these past couple of years, I was feeling pretty empty and lacked any direction for a while.

My next blog is going to describe the though patterns associated with BPD. I’ll post either tomorrow or Sunday. It may take me a couple of days to type it, because it’ll be a little “intense.”

Treatment and updates on NEDA

At the beginning of the week, I was gonna write a blog every day this week for NEDAwareness Week, but I got a little distracted by treatment. My treatment schedule keeps me busy! I started a new program yesterday that is gonna help me in preparation to go back to work, or school if I work up the nerve to do such. I’ll being going to the program Wednesday through Friday from 9 am until 3 pm. During the day, I’ll be assigned to one of their three units. Yesterday, I was on the Snack Bar Unit, where I made sandwiches, popcorn, and trail mix. I got to take orders in the afternoon. Next Wednesday will be my second day, because I couldn’t make it today or tomorrow; I will spend my day in the kitchen, helping prepare lunch and clean up afterwards. Then Thursday, I’m gonna help with clerical type work, I guess. The fourth day, I get to choose what unit, I wanna officially be a part of. Throughout each day, there are also different meetings that I have the option to go to. I didn’t go to any of the meetings, so I’m not completely sure what they are about.
On Tuesdays, I have a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Group, followed by individual therapy and a Human Services appointment. DBT is about learning skills to work through emotions, communicate effectively and assertively, and be mindful and aware of your surroundings. Some of it seems stupid, but it’s actually pretty helpful. Right now, the group is working on how to be assertive about getting your needs met in relationships. Individual therapy seems pretty pointless, lately, because I’m having trouble feeling comfortable with the therapist. It’s hard to replace the perfect therapist, but I’m trying to have an open mind with my current therapist. The Human Services Specialist helps make sure I’m connected to community resources, like transportation, the new treatment program, financial help, and right now, she’s helping me come up with a plan for my living situation. I kind of signed a year lease on a 2 bedroom apartment and in April or May, rent will be increasing by over $100. The increase was a part of the lease, but I didn’t do a very good job with my math (surprisingly). The increased rent is more than my current income. So if you know anyone looking for a room... this weekend, I’m gonna put a roommate add up, again, and hopefully, find a roommate in the next month. If I don’t, I may get evicted, but my plan B is… well… I don’t actually have one yet…
Anyways (changing the subject now), National Eating Disorders Awareness Week is still going on. The Empire State Building was lit blue and green in support of NEDA on Tuesday night. 58% of colleges that participated in the Collegiate Survey Project said that education and resources on eating disorders is extremely/very important. I was able to participate in Operation Beautiful, a little bit. I encourage everyone to try it out! Just take a sticky note, write an encouraging statement, like “You are beautiful!” and post it somewhere in public for people to see. It really is nice to be complimented, even if it’s from a complete stranger, and it may make a huge difference in someone’s life. These are links to the sites that you can find more information about NEDA and Operation Beautiful:

Empire State Building
Collegiate Survey Project
Operation Beautiful

Pro-Ana- the religion

What is pro-ana? I often refer to my eating disorder as “Ana”. “Ana” is seen as short for anorexia in the general population, but for me, Ana was more like a higher being- a goddess. “Mia” is the sister term and is the personification of bulimia. People struggling with eating disorders started pro-ana and pro-mia sites to create a community that understands them and their struggles. The sites are like most blogs and online chat rooms- a place of support. The sites became really popular among adolescent girls, because of the detailed instructions to look the way that society tells us is beautiful.
Pro-ana grew into a cult-like community, and for me, it was like a religion with Ana being the goddess. I worshipped my anorexia, and would (and still do) feel guilty for eating. I had a set limit of calories I could consume in a day. If I consumed more than the limit that Ana had set for me, I would start working out and even started taking diet pills. No matter how hard I worked, Ana wouldn’t be happy until it became obvious that I was losing weight, and even then, I had to work harder to not gain any back.

It’s incredible how much impact websites can have on the mind, and how humans can even train the mind to believe in a god/goddess that doesn’t exist. In our minds, we are able develop our own values based on life experience, or simple words posted on the internet. On some of the pro-ana sites, there are laws, commandments, and even punishment details- you don’t even have to come up with them on your own. These rules are memorized and simple words trigger your mind to repeat the rules, word for word. In pro-ana songs and poems, “Ana’s voice” is often mentioned, because “Ana” really becomes her own voice. For example, when I hear the word salvation, in my mind, I start repeating, “Salvation comes from starvation. Salvation comes from starvation. Salvation comes from starvation.” Or the word, perfection triggers “Perfection exists and I must attain it.”

For days that it’s hard to follow “Ana’s laws,” pro-ana followers turn to thinspiration. The sites are covered in thinspiration. The most common form of thinspiration are photos of role models that are under the average BMI. Pro-ana sights encourage you to pick your favorite thinspiration to look up to- a model, actress, or any one that is skinny and the way you want to look someday. The other form of thinspiration is quotes, or song lyrics, that encourage a person to be thin. Thinspiration can be found anywhere.

In 2005, websites began to try and shut down pro-ana pages, but it’s impossible to completely erase anything that has a presence on the internet. Some of the pro-ana sites that I first viewed in the eighth grade were shut down, and then re-opened with a different address. Some of the pro-ana sites have multiple addresses to prevent shut down. This 2012 article talks more about the trouble shutting down pro-ana sites:
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-57405463-10391704/despite-social-media-bans-of-pro-ana-websites-pages-persist/

My Struggles with Anorexia (Disclaimer Included)

Disclaimer: This is my blog- my opinions that are just as valid as yours. We’re gonna disagree on some things, but that’s life. If something truly offends you, I apologize for it and encourage you to bring it to my attention. This blog isn’t meant to offend any one. I just wanna be open about who I am and honest about the way I feel.


Thin for Ana was created as a pro-ana blog, a blog in favor of being anorexic, but I wanna use it to track my progress in recovery from now on. I’m leaving up the old blogs, pictures, quotes, and videos that were there to encourage me to not eat. While most would disagree with me, they’re a part of my recovery and help me see how far I’ve come (like the box of journals that keeps getting heavier). I can’t change what I’ve done in the past. I only have control with what I do now.


I wasn’t ready to open my blog up until now, because I was still trying to hide my secret obsession with anorexia. Now, that I am working on recovery, I wanted to share and I decided on February 24, because it is the first day of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.


I turned to anorexia and self-injury, because I felt like an outcast at home, and was afraid of rejection at school. During, and after, the cancer and death of my bio-mom, everything seemed out of my control. Self-injury gave me power, along with a rush of adrenaline, and anorexia was control. No one could force me to eat, and how long could I go before someone even noticed I wasn’t eating?


In eighth grade, I heard about pro-ana sites, and I wanted to understand. I already knew the concept of anorexia, as a serious eating disorder, but I wanted to understand the concept of how does someone be in favor of something that could kill them. It didn’t take long for me to understand. A few months after discovering pro-ana blogs, I began dieting and counting calories. It wasn’t until my junior year of high school that anyone noticed I was struggling with food, but I didn’t think I was anorexic (I was within normal BMI, and I ate, at least, a candy bar, every day). I don’t remember who confronted me about it, but a couple of people come to mind. I helped out at football games and would stay at school until late at night. The athletic trainer started noticing that I didn’t eat at school, and brought it up to me. My guidance counselor and the school psychologist confronted me several times, especially after I was hospitalized for the first time. I kept telling them that I was eating enough and felt fine.


During my first semester of college, I became really close to a friend, struggling with bulimia. Without knowing it, she helped me realize that I was struggling, but I didn’t want anyone to know. I thought I could deal with it on my own. I tried to convince myself that I was just pro-ana, like it wasn’t the same thing as anorexia. Last August, my therapist sent me to the hospital for suicidal ideation and my lack of motivation to live. I called her the next day, and said, “I know I’m anorexic, but I’m not ready to give it up.” I enjoyed being anorexic, every last bit of it. It empowered me.


A month ago, I was ready to break free. I was committed to the hospital at the beginning of January, because I was really sick. It took a few weeks for me to pull myself together, but my sister’s support and perspective helped me realize that I had built up a giant wall between me and the rest of the world. I had trapped myself, but coming to this conclusion meant that I could un-trap myself.


What has been helpful for me since discharge from the hospital?
- Hanging out with my sister and trying new things like star fruit
- Journaling
- Positive Affirmations (they seem so stupid, but are actually helpful)
- Sticky notes to remind me to take my meds (important part of treatment!)
- A letter that I wrote to myself- it’s a step-by-step guide of how to work through my emotions
- Really practicing DBT skills