I'm trying to stay focused on the Suicide Prevention Walk, which takes place next weekend!! I am looking forward to it and am super excited that I raised $300 (my original goal was only $150)!!! Things are going so well right now. Work has been great and my coworkers seem to like having me around. I still hang out at place, where I've been going as my day treatment. I went up to an apple orchard with some friends this weekend. My sister and I hang out almost weekly. My mom and I have been texting a lot- every time i get a text from her, I feel so good inside. I wish they knew how much I loved them and how much they're wanted in my life. I'm in a good place in my life. I have a lot of support, which is why I'm trying to fight this anxiety that is eating my insides.
I'm happy and can see all the good in my life. But I'm stressed out over apartment stuff (not finances- just inspections and bug spraying and stupid stuff). My apartment is clear, so why am I freaking out?! They already told me my apartment is good to go. The thing that stresses me out about it is people being in and out of my home (when I'm not home), leaving my door open to let paint dry (I know its over, but seriously!! I wasn't even home!), and spraying stuff inside my apartment that could potentially make my kitty baby ill! I'm very unhappy about this. I understand the monthly inspections to ensure we are taking care of ourselves, but now were doinng weekly inspections. And I also understand that management is stressed-out right now, but I seriously have meltdowns every night for the past two weeks. I feel invaded, and disrespected. And part of me really wants to pack up my shit and run. I can't handle something bad happening to Tiny. I also can't handle the thought of losing all my belongings again. If I'm gonna lose my stuff anyways, why have a home to put it all in? I'm stressing a lot.
I'm trying to take a deep breath and not be overly dramatic, but I'm starting to think that maybe this apartment was yet another bad decision on my part. I'm an idiot for agreeing to put myself in this situation. I hate being so stressed out about this stupid stuff. And my mind has decided to not give me peace. When I'm not stressing out and ripping myself apart over the apartment stuff, my mind goes to Ana. Which right now, I'd rather be Ana than deal with this. I have not relapsed, I just constantly think about relapsing. I weighed myself- actually, I've been weighing myself a lot, lately. And, I weigh a lot more than I want to weigh. I've let myself gain about 15 lbs since January. Its disgusting and wrong. It really grosses me out. When I look in the mirror, everything looks fat. I'm trying so hard to not go into details because it's not your business. How did I let myself get fat? Like what the hell? And I wanna blame my meds for increasing my appetite. Thank you, medication, for ruining my life!
I know I'm a total drama queen tonight; that's why I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks. I had to decide if I really wanted it out there that I'm a fat cow, who's overly materialistic! Well, now it is. There.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Suicide Prevention Week
Its National Suicide Prevention Week and today is International Suicide Prevention Day. I really believe suicide can be prevented, because I’ve been there. My own suicide has been prevented plenty of times. I wanted to write a blog on what’s been helpful getting me beyond suicide attempts in honor of this week. At the end of my blog is a link to “My fundraising Page.” I’m raising money to go into Suicide Prevention research and education, and preventive action. This is really important to me, so if you can donate, please do! Even $5 is appreciated!
Just last year, I was making suicide attempts almost weekly. I thought for sure I wouldn’t make it to 2013. But here I am September 10, 2013 and it’s been about 8 months since my last attempt. There are still days that I think about ending my life, and I struggle to fight the urges to self-harm, but with a lot of effort and support, I’ve been able to keep going.
The hardest part for me was putting in the effort it took to love myself and treat myself with the respect that I deserved. I’m still learning to respect myself and nurture myself in the same way I do for my friends. I constantly remind myself, “Ally, show yourself a little respect. You deserve it just as much as anyone else.” What I’ve found to be helpful is my journaling (obviously) and taking part in task that make me feel a sense of “wow, this is freakin awesome and I did it”. Every day, I try to find something that I know will bring me that feeling. Like yesterday, I finished putting away three carts of dishes at work. Yeah, its my job, but I got it done a lot faster than I thought I would.
The other thing that has been helpful for me is support from friends and family. If you know my history, you know that kind of support hasn’t always been part of my life. I’ve had to realize that people aren’t gonna show support in the same ways. My sister shows support by spending time with me and talking (a lot) with me, while my adoptive parents showed support by curling up on the couch and watching tv with me and buying me stuff. Then there’s my former therapist who showed support by answering my phone calls no matter how late at night they were and by guiding me through panic attacks. I can’t really say how my current therapist has supported me, because I feel like she hasn’t.
But where I find a lot of my day-to-day support is at the clubhouse- my day treatment facility. The other members have supported me by understanding where I’m coming from, working on not speaking over me (it drives me crazy when people do that!), and by making me laugh. The staff has just been supportive in so many ways. They got me into one of their apartments, where I can afford to live, know all my neighbors, get help keeping my meds organized, and my kitty baby lives with me. They also furnished my apartment, which means I have a bed that eventually I’ll actually sleep in! They have been encouraging me to go to work for the past several months, too, and now I finally have a job. They continue to encourage me and tell me that I’m doing a good job. It always feels good to be praised!
Thank you for reading my blog; that is showing support itself! This is the link to “My Fundraising Page”:
http://afsp.donordrive.com/team/fixedsc
I appreciate all the support you are able to give!
Just last year, I was making suicide attempts almost weekly. I thought for sure I wouldn’t make it to 2013. But here I am September 10, 2013 and it’s been about 8 months since my last attempt. There are still days that I think about ending my life, and I struggle to fight the urges to self-harm, but with a lot of effort and support, I’ve been able to keep going.
The hardest part for me was putting in the effort it took to love myself and treat myself with the respect that I deserved. I’m still learning to respect myself and nurture myself in the same way I do for my friends. I constantly remind myself, “Ally, show yourself a little respect. You deserve it just as much as anyone else.” What I’ve found to be helpful is my journaling (obviously) and taking part in task that make me feel a sense of “wow, this is freakin awesome and I did it”. Every day, I try to find something that I know will bring me that feeling. Like yesterday, I finished putting away three carts of dishes at work. Yeah, its my job, but I got it done a lot faster than I thought I would.
The other thing that has been helpful for me is support from friends and family. If you know my history, you know that kind of support hasn’t always been part of my life. I’ve had to realize that people aren’t gonna show support in the same ways. My sister shows support by spending time with me and talking (a lot) with me, while my adoptive parents showed support by curling up on the couch and watching tv with me and buying me stuff. Then there’s my former therapist who showed support by answering my phone calls no matter how late at night they were and by guiding me through panic attacks. I can’t really say how my current therapist has supported me, because I feel like she hasn’t.
But where I find a lot of my day-to-day support is at the clubhouse- my day treatment facility. The other members have supported me by understanding where I’m coming from, working on not speaking over me (it drives me crazy when people do that!), and by making me laugh. The staff has just been supportive in so many ways. They got me into one of their apartments, where I can afford to live, know all my neighbors, get help keeping my meds organized, and my kitty baby lives with me. They also furnished my apartment, which means I have a bed that eventually I’ll actually sleep in! They have been encouraging me to go to work for the past several months, too, and now I finally have a job. They continue to encourage me and tell me that I’m doing a good job. It always feels good to be praised!
Thank you for reading my blog; that is showing support itself! This is the link to “My Fundraising Page”:
http://afsp.donordrive.com/team/fixedsc
I appreciate all the support you are able to give!
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