How am I supposed to feel?

Last night, I sat alone in my dark, empty apartment. Completely alone. And I continue to sit alone. In the past couple of weeks, so much has happened, and so many things from my past have surfaced in my mind. A little over two weeks ago, I was told that insurance approved treatment for my ED and I could go to the clinic as soon as a bed was open, the following week. A week later, I was told insurance never authorized treatment and to continue doing what I've been doing. So, I am. I'm giving into all my ED urges and thoughts. I can't fight this illness, and I dunno if I want to. Then last week, I had an MRI to look for any abnormalities or growths on my pituitary gland. I haven't gotten the results. I went to get them, but my doc was out sick. I need to reschedule the appointment, but what's the point? If I'm gonna die from cancer, I'm gonna die. If I don't die from cancer, I'm gonna die from my ED. So, none of it really matters. On top of everything else, my brother was staying with me, which had kept me in check and away from self-harm. He's not staying with me anymore, because of the rules at the apartment I live in. I don't think I can keep myself "safe". I don't know what to, especially with all the emotions being stirred up and all these things from my past interrupting all my thoughts. I'm not suicidal; I just have these urges and ideas to hurt myself. And sometimes, I know I can't control the impulse. I dunno how I'm supposed to feel right now. But I'm feeling a lot of things.

Just a matter of how and when

I dunno if I'm giving up hope, or if I've already given it up. But all I've thought about today is the fact that we're all gonna die. Every single one of us is gonna die. Some will die peacefully in their sleep; others will die horrific deaths. Some will suffer for months- maybe even years- before they die. Others will die quickly and it'll seem like overnight. Some will die of natural causes; some will die from suicide or maybe homicide. Some may die tomorrow; some won't die for years. Its only a matter of time before we die. And for me, I'll probably die in the next couple of years. Its just a matter of how. Cancer- maybe, hopefully, but not likely. My ED- most likely. Or another OD- one that my body and heart just can't handle. I'm not planning on OD-ing at the moment. But it's only a matter of time before I do it again. And my ED, it's not gonna get better- I'm not gonna get better. I don't even wanna try to get better and my body can only handle so much abuse. So how and when will I die? Does it even really matter? I dunno if I'm slipping into a darker place or giving up hope or what. But I just don't see the point in fighting the inevitable.

Drowning in Darkness

The darkness seems to just be flood my mind and my spirit. All the whispers of the past and the present, telling me how wrong I am, how I don't deserve to get better. I'm pushed and overpowered by the by angered current. I can't surface to catch my breath. So I dive in with all the force I have left. And I'm drowning, but it's okay. Or at least, that's what I tell myself. I have convinced myself that nobody cares; I don't have to fight anymore. It's okay if I drown; I deserve it, don't I? Nobody needs me; I'm so filthy and gross. Maybe there'll be peace once I'm gone. I hope so; for the sake of my family.

I got hit pretty hard, yesterday. I was already depressed and down. Then I got the phone call from the clinic; my worries were right. I am not going to the clinic; insurance didn't actually authorize treatment. So now, I'm on my own. I dunno what that means. I can't fight this illness on my own, but maybe I don't want to. Maybe I just don't wanna fight anymore. As of right now, I'm not fighting; I'm giving in- full force. Letting the evil bitch consume me. To be honest, I hope I die from this. I tried putting my faith and God and followed his guidance as much as possible, but it ended me nowhere. He left me out to drown, again. Thanks, God.

No Plans, No Goals- Nothing

I feel like I'm standing in an empty, dead field. No trees, no grass, no blue sky. Everything's just dead and empty. Soul-less. I'm all alone with no where to run. No escape. I try to scream and there's no sound to be heard. I'm stuck in the middle of this emptiness, alone with no hope- just devastation. I pray and I cry tears that seem to never fall. My spirit is breaking and my heart is growing weak. I just want out. I pray to God, the only one who can save me. But does he hear me? Does he hear my cries?


Feeling a little hopeless today. Struggling to pick myself up. And having to make difficult decisions. I'm waiting for the phone call, letting me know when to go to the ED clinic. I dunno if I'm going; maybe insurance didn't authorize it. And I'm just gonna have to fight this on my own. I don't wanna fight. I wanna give in. I want the illness or whatever this is to consume me. Stop all the pain and take away what's left of my spirit. Then I truly will have nothing to lose. I won't care. I won't get hurt. It won't matter anymore. Eventually, I will be nothing but a faint memory in the minds of those who might of cared.

The 100th Post

I can't believe I already have a 100 posts. I never really thought about anything exciting to write about at the 100th post. So I'm just gonna write about my usual anxieties and fears. Today, I find out when to go to the ED clinic- tomorrow or Wednesday. I've been struggling with a lot of thoughts and not wanting to go. I'm starting to slip back into a place of denial. I don't need help; I need to lose more weight. I've gained so much weight these past couple of weeks and who knows how much I'm gonna gain in treatment. I'm gonna get so fat and I'm not gonna be able to lose the weight. And it'll make me so depressed and suicidal. Isn't it better to just stay here and continue to try to get to my GW of 65 lbs? I just can't bare the thought of gaining weight and getting over 100 lbs again. Then coming back and everyone looking at me and touching my disgusting fat body. It just makes me cringe.I dunno how anyone with an ED ever gets married or has kids. Like I don't even like my boyfriend touching me or feeling my fat. I hate it when my friends hug me and feel all the fat on me. I hate being able to feel all the fat on myself. It just grosses me out, so much. And if I go to treatment, there'll be more fat for everyone to feel. Is it too late to back out??

I know I can't and shouldn't back out. I know I need the help to be healthy and strong again. I need to get back on track. I'm just afraid. But God says to not be afraid; to trust him. So I will trust God to take care of me and guide me through this process. You hear that God? I'm trusting you. Putting all my faith in you.

Insurance Authorized Treatment

I got the phone call, yesterday, letting me know that my insurance has authorized my treatment at the eating disorder clinic! I'm nervous about going and anxious; everyone else is excited- a little too excited. I dunno if their excited that I'll be gone for who knows how long, or if they're actually excited that I'm getting help. Either way, I wish they would calm it down a little. Their excitement makes me more anxious, which kinda makes me not wanna go at all. I'm trying to remain in good spirits- yeah right. Me in good spirits- never. But I have been praying to God for the patience I need to cope with my friends' excitement and overjoy, the strength to get through treatment and maybe even start a journey of recovery, and guidance to know what I'm doing. So far, he's opened doors for me to go to treatment, so I guess I need to pursue that despite my anxiety and fears, and the extra stress of getting there. I'm taking deep breaths.

In preparation for going to treatment, I'm supposed to be taking less migraine meds. Its not going so well. I had a migraine the other day. I'm still taking my migraine meds once a day. I know its gonna make that first week of treatment so much harder, but I just really can't go without them. It's not fair to my friends or family, either. I've also been trying to cut back on caffeine- not going well either. Its hard. I'm so used to having coffee or coke zero throughout my day. Without it, I feel so exhausted and weak. So I've continued to have caffeine. I did good for a few days, but then I start drinking coffee again.

So, Monday, I'll get told when to go to the clinic- Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm still taking way too many laxatives, but at least, I've gained a little weight. And in treatment, I'll get fat. Won't everyone be so happy and causing me more anxiety?!?!

Feeling Really Hurt

I typed a blog and my computer just deleted it. Its done that several times today. I dunno why, but its so frustrating. I can't email or blog or even status update without it deleting everything I type. Basically, the blog was about a friend who has really hurt my feelings and I just try to be patient with her. But at this point, I don't want anything to do with her anymore. She's not nice or understanding of what I'm going through. And says really mean things; then claims I'm the one saying those things. I'm on my first day without migraine medication and feel physically sick on top of it. Plus, I'm anxiously waiting to hear from the ED clinic. I also may need to get an MRI before I leave for the clinic. And my weigh-in today didn't go well. I'm also thinking about starting another diet that who knows if I can stick to it. I feel fat and ugly. I'm having SH urges and suicidal thoughts. Yup that covers the blog- better post before it gets deleted.

Feeling so confused and conflicted

I talked to my primary care doctor today. She prescribes my migraine meds and wants me to take it once every other day this week, instead of twice a day like I have been. I have to come off of it for ED treatment. Until I'm done with the ED program, she says I can take ibuprofen- great. Let's pop 50 to see if it'll do anything. Like seriously? I've tried ibuprofen, asprin, Tylenol, excedrine doesn't even do much anymore! Whatever. If I get worse, oh well. At least, I gave the stupid clinic a chance. My doc also wants me to get a MRI to check on my pituitary gland, because my labs aren't coming back normal. They did some other labs last week that checked the hormone levels that are released by the pituitary gland. Anyways, I dunno when that's gonna happen. I may be going to the ED clinic on Sarurday, and I dunno how long I'll be there. Probably not long, I'm fat and don't need to gain much weight.

I also talked to a lady in admission at the ED clinic, today. Apparently, they haven't even gotten approval from my insurance company. So, I dunno if I'm going Saturday or ever. Which kinda makes me anxious. If I don't go, why am I going off my migraine meds? Why am I taking time off school and work?? I just there's stuff I need to do and get done. I don't need to be sitting on my ass, waiting for something that may or may not happen. It just makes me wonder- maybe this is God saying that treatment's not right for me. Maybe God has another plan. But I dunno what I'm supposed to do; I can't kick this ED on my own. I can't get through a meal without taking a handful of laxatives. I constantly wanna purge. Eventually, I'll cycle back into restricting. I may not be losing weight, right now. But I'm not gaining either. I feel conflicted. I wanna lose more weight, but I don't wanna live like this anymore. I wanna restrict my intake and eat nothing, but I don't wanna be depressed and anxious and suicidal. I wanna get down to my UGW of 65 lbs, but I also wanna be able to finish my Vet Tech degree. I just feel like I'm going back and forth and there's a constant battle in my head. I don't like things being up in the air; I like plans to be arranged and settled. Apparently, its too much to ask for.

Accepting that I need treatment

I don't know if I'm just giving up on the diet or if I'm really accepting that it's time for recovery. Probably just giving up on the diet, seeing I took another handful of laxatives today. I feel more positive today than I have in awhile, so I started a recovery journal with some encouraging bible verses and such on the first couple of pages. I also asked my friends for some ideas on books and devotionals to read while in treatment. I think maybe I can get my life together and start eating healthy...maybe? And maybe eventually give up the laxatives. I'm still nervous about so many things and so many situations I'm gonna have to face in treatment and in recovery. I don't know how long it'll be before I relapse again, but I'll give it a go. My brother and sister are being so encouraging and supportive; I love having them by myself and don't think I'd even be able to make this decision without them. My adoptive mom is being amazingly supportive too and I just feel so lucky to have the family I do- even if they're not all blood-related. And reaching out to my friends on social media has gotten a great response and I've received a lot of really great support. I feel so loved and encouraged today, despite the way my bf is treating me. I realize its not his fault, but it's hurtful and I can only take so much before I break. Luckily, I have other friends and family holding me together.

Day 14 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

Didn't stick to my diet today. Ate a lot of crap and feel so fat. I also had another panic attack at work...so much fun. I'm so stressed out. My friends don't understand why I'm so anxious or what it's like to have so much anxiety, which makes no sense to me. My bf is diagnosed with OCD, an anxiety based disorder, yet he doesn't understand my anxiety at all. My best friend just never has and never will understand anxiety or depression or EDs or anything for that matter. And she only seems to cause more anxiety. I try to ignore her comments and anxiety provoking words, but it's hard. Luckily, I have my brother who's pretty understanding. I talked to him about it all, this evening and about all my anxieties about going to the clinic at the end of the week. He just seems to get it and be so supportive. I love having him here. I was nervous about being a burden on him and I really hope I'm not, because he helps me so much!! He says when you get back we'll hold each other accountable and help each other to eat more and healthy. So sweet!! Hopefully, things really do turn around!!

Day 13 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

Sorry, I didn't post last night. I was just way too tired!! I did good on my modified diet. But I did have some blueberries with my morning tea. And I had coffee instead of tea in the afternoon. I didn't finish the coffee though; I felt so sick yesterday. I had my ensure during my lunch break at work and I ate some chicken soup for dinner, because of how sick I felt.

Yesterday morning, I also started to pack for the ED clinic. I started gathering all my clothes and stuff I think I'll need or want. I'm super anxious about going and dunno what to take. I dunno what's allowed and what's not allowed. I'm trying to get an idea based on others' experiences in ED clinics, but I dunno. I'm trying to pack what I think is appropriate and hopefully it is. Well, I'm gonna go make some tea and start my day.

Day 12 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

I failed, again. I ate a salad with chicken and blue cheese dressing for dinner- disgusting and fattening. I just can't help it; I get these craving and just feel like I have to fulfill them. So, anyways, as I mentioned yesterday I have a week before I'm sent to treatment. A week from tomorrow. I'm feeling nervous and kinda stressed about it. And wanna back out, already. My bf says he'll drive me there- it's 4.5 hours away. I've never been so conflicted and nervous and stressed and insecure and unsure about something in my life. Okay, maybe I have. But what if this just makes me spiral farther out of control or develop a worse problem or causes my suicidal thoughts to worsen. I won't have my brother or sister or friends to turn to. I'll be with a bunch of strangers far away from home in an unfamiliar place. I won't have my cat there to remind me of everything I care about and want in life. I'm so nervous. What if I get there and they decide I'm not sick enough for treatment and send me away? I wasted all that gas money and all that time for nothing. So many things to think and worry about.

Anyways, one week to break 80 lbs. And struggling to follow any sort of diet, because I suck at life and everything I do. I'm so fat and gross. For the next week, I need to follow this diet plan:

Breakfast: Tea- No sweetener
Lunch- Ensure or Green Smoothie- Not to exceed 250 Calories
Mid-Afternoon- Tea- No sweetener
Dinner- Salad or Soup- Not to exceed 250 Calories
After Dinner- Tea- No sweetener

I can do this diet. I know I can. I got this. Just gotta stay focus on the goal and can't give into cravings!

Day 11 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

I suck at life and feel like giving up. I just I binged and purged again tonight, because I'm disgusting and fat. I didn't take enough laxatives- I dunno how much is enough. I gotta get day 12 right or its gonna be time to rethink this whole diet. I'm gonna have to make adjustments and figure out how to keep me on track. I really think I can do it. I'm just such a fat ass, I get distracted from my ultimate goal so easily. But I got told earlier that the ED clinic has a bed available next week, which gives me only a week to get below 80 lbs. I would basically have to fast, in order to get there. And I know I wouldn't be able to fast with my track record, so looks like I'm just gonna have to stick to my diet.

Day 10 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

I feel like a failure. I feel hopeless. I feel like I can't do anything right. I withdrew from school- aka dropped out of my classes and am now sitting on my ass all day thinking about everything else that stresses me out. I wanna lose weight and I wanna feel my bones protruding from under my skin, but all I do is keep eating. I can't say no to a single craving, because I'm 85 lbs of disgusting fat. I need to stick to my diet tomorrow- I say that every effing day and then the next day, I fail. How do I do it? How do I get on track and stay on track? Please if anybody has advice, comment below, or email me at fatstrawberrygashes@gmail.com

Like I'm seriously desperate and dunno what to do. I need someone to hold me accountable or encourage me or something. I know I can do this. I've done it before. I'm just now in a binge/purge phase and so badly wanna go back to restricting. I like restricting; I like feeling in control and losing weight and getting smaller and smaller- like I'm slowly disappearing. Is it so much to ask to be smaller and thinner?

Day 9 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

This week is gonna be a lot harder than I thought I did not stick to my diet at all diet. I could have, but gave into every craving I had. Sometimes, I'm convinced I don't have an ED at all. It doesn't matter what the docs and social workers say. I eat like I don't. I take laxatives and purge like I have bulimia. I attempt to restrict and sometimes, successfully restrict like I have Ana. I dunno. Right now, I feel like this disorder's not a reality in my life. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Its hard because I didn't have school and felt directionless all day. Tomorrow, I have plans and will follow through with my plan. I am gonna switch out the ensure for a goat yogurt. I bought one today at this little local shop and I'm super excited about it. But I still plan to have the smoothie in the evening. And lots of tea! I can do this; I know I can. I got below 90 and I'm down to 85. I can get below 80!

Day 8 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

It was a very stressful day and I had a migraine, which is why I haven't blogged til now. I had bloodwork in the morning; my thyroid levels were high on the last test and they want me to come back to be checked out and discuss treatment. I was then late to class and missed most of my lecture this morning and what I was there for, I struggled to follow and it ended pretty quick after I arrived. Then, I had a test and failed. I talked to my teacher at the end of the lunch break and we both agreed I needed to withdraw and get back on my feet. I then went to the disability counselor to let her know what was happening and she helped me fill out paperwork to withdraw. Oh, I also spoke to my caseworker who is trying to encourage me to go to an ED Clinic. The clinic won't accept me unless I go off my migraine medication, because the medication is an appetite suppressant and causes weightloss. So, she wants me to talk to my doctor today when I see her about my thyroid. Of course she tells me that the day I have a migraine- makes me less willing to wanna go off it. I miss one dose and I can bare stand up straight, I'm throwing up, and the only thing keeping me from OD-ing is my brother being here. That brings us to what my diet looked like today. I started the day with a cup of mint tea. I had an ensure this afternoon. When I got home this even and took some excedrine for my migraine, I ate half an avocado, which I then threw up. No smoothie. No dinner. I couldn't bare to eat anything else. Not too bad for my first day of week 2.