Freaking out about work

I start work tomorrow. I'm really excited to go to work, and to be bringing in some money for my hard-work. But I'm nervous. I'm afraid of getting overwhelmed and messing up. I'm afraid of completely failing. What if I fall over the edge again. I know I'm doing so much better than I was and can handle a lot more than I used to be able to. But I'm nervous.

The biggest problem with my anxiety is it sends me in this spiral. I start to feel like I've already somehow screwed up. I feel the need to punish myself. I start to think about all the things that I've done wrong in the past. I began to question any progress that I've made in my life. I began to feel hopeless and insecure. Then Ana creeps her way back into my mind. I have her whispering in one ear and people yelling and cursing and complaining and bitching in the other ear. All I can do is try to tune it all out- separate myself. But I feel so trapped. Everything closes in around me and I'm too fat to fit.

I'm trying to not freak out and to not let my thoughts and fears carry me away. I don't even know how to stop the worrying and anxiety. Ah......I'm slightly freaking out, today.

Frustrated with anti-Ana

I've been thinking a lot about Pro-ana and who Ana was to me. This morning my thoughts led me to search what the internet says about Ana. There isn't direct answer to "Who's Ana?" other than the "personification of anorexia". While I was searching through Pro-ana sites and Anti-ana sites, I was angered and hurt. The pro-ana community, I feel so connected to, as I was part of it and still kinda am. (Do not accuse me of being sick!). I was outraged by the fact that society is so cruel to young girls. First, they're unaccepted by family and peers. They turn to a community where they feel safe. They discover and feel this understanding from pro-ana sites. Their lives revolving around what they know to be truths. Yeah, I know how it feels to be outcasted and hurt. I know what its like to turn to Ana for help and security. I did and I still feel so much more understood and comforted by the Ana philosophy- religion, worshipping Ana who took me in when my mom was not there. I was vulnerable and found support. Somewhere those worldly judgements could be taken away. There was hope to be acceptable to others.

Sorry, I feel very passionate about Ana, right now. What frustrated me this morning was people's negative, hurtful responses to the pro-ana community. There's a reason, girls with anorexia hide under carpets and never let their identity get out. When its known that a person is pro-ana, teen guys, parents, christians- the world persecutes you and tears you to shreds. Then they say you should go to rehab. Why would anybody go to rehab after being completely shredded to pieces by the same world that runs rehab. Ah! I hate our society. I hate this world. It just angers me and gets me all fired up. Why are people so cruel?

Sometimes, I wish people would just shut up and maybe listen. There's so much more to life than controlling what's right and wrong. Next time, you disagree about something, just learn about it, instead of tearing people apart over their personal beliefs.

Catching up

I haven't posted in awhile, because my computer had a virus. Today, I'm just gonna catch you up on what's been going on in my life and eating. I have officially cut out all dairy and egg products! I'm really excited, but it's hard. The Vegan cheeses are made from soy and rice and tend to be a little sweet- not really what you'd expect on a pizza or in a burrito. Almond milk is my favorite- Silk just didn't cut it for me. And if you ever decide to go nondairy, So Delicious is amazing. It's a non-dairy ice cream that I can't get enough of. Its creamy and just the right amount of sweetness. I love it!

Anyways, without dairy or eggs, I am also officially a vegan and have been experimenting with my vegan options.Last week, I made tempeh nuggets, and did a stir-fry. I made pizza and sausage burritos this week. I also made oatmeal cookies, the past two weeks. Next week, I wanna try scrambled tofu and see if I can find an egg substitute to bake with. It's so exciting to try new recipes!

As far as caffeine goes, I haven't had coffee or diet coke in 3 weeks, I think. I'm doing pretty good. Some days, I really miss my coffee. I'm finding other things to do to keep myself awake. Then there's days that I feel like I have more energy without the coffee. A friend recently told me she left her baby tooth in a cup of soda and the soda dissolved the tooth completely. How gross!!! It's probably a good thing that I did a way with soda. Besides diet coke bloats your stomach.