1) No one gives a fuck about you or your problems. You can yell and scream all you want. No one's actually listening; they just want you to shut up.
2)Yes, you are fucking alone. Any friend that you think you have will stab you in the back and twist the knife. That's what friends are for.
3) Family- family is bullshit. They're not gonna be there for you when you need them. And all this ohana crap- please. If you're weak or ill, they'll leave you behind in heartbeat and not feel guilty.
4) Animals are angels; treat them as such. They're the only ones that really deserve love. People can all go to hell.
5) of course, you'd be better off dead; we all would. People will try to convince you a magic cure for your problems. They may convince you life gets better- it doesn't.
6) The whole mental health field is full idiots looking for guinea pigs. They don't even see you as a living being. All they see is a fucking number on a piece of paper.
7) And doctors- don't get me started on doctors. They don't know shit. They think a degree makes them know everything. It barely covers what actual illness is like. They will never know shit until they've dealt with it.
8) Meds don't make you better. However, they make it whole lot easier to mask your true feelings- so maybe they're worth it.
9) Church is full of people who are lost and confused. They pretend to have their shit together and to know God's will for their life. But they have no fucking idea. How could they? God doesn't speak to anyone anymore. He's a silent God. The relationship is one-way.
10) Eating disorders suck; they can kill you. But they work. That's why people develop them in the first place.
11) The best thing you can do for yourself is take some sleeping pills, drink a whole bottle of vodka and take a fucking nap.
12) If this offended you, suck it up. Life is full of people and things that will offend you. Have you seen the news lately? Everyone fucking trigger friendly over race? Really, you guys? Come on!
13) Never trust anyone. You could probably have guessed that one if you had half a brain. Everyone cheats, steals, and kills.
14) I'm probably the angriest person you'll ever read a blog by. And I'm okay with that; the world is a fucked up place and I got nothing better to do then complain about it. Because I've been determined a helpless piece of shit with a bunch of fancy words that are supposed to describe what's wrong with me. Let me tell you what's wrong with me. I've always been a little off, but I don't like being touched, or spoken to like I'm an idiot, or trapped, or yelled at, or told a bunch of lies for the "sake of saving my life." I don't need fucking saving- I'm doing just fine- was doing just fine on my own. If you don't like me, great. Mind your own fucking business.
15) You're an idiot for reading this blog. It is not helpful in anyway. It kinda sucks. And its nowhere near as good as the rant I wanted to post.
Friday, September 23, 2016
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Countdown to Halloween Diet
Just a little fun leading up to one of my favorite holidays. Thought I would share. However its not completely my own; I found a Halloween diet plan on a pro ana site and adjusted it to what I will hopefully be able to do with my parents watching.
September 1-7:
Vampire
Vampires are known to not appear in mirrors, so this week, try to avoid mirrors. And the next week, when you are no longer a vampire, you will see how different you looked than last week, cause you lost a few pounds. You can only drink red things and also water. Vampires are only awake at night, so you may only eat dinner (under 500 calories). Seeing you are sadly unable to turn into a bat and fly, your exercise for the week is to do 30 push-ups, a day, and go running at least twice to catch up to vampire speed.
September 8-14:
Ghost
Ghosts are stereotypically known to be white and float through walls. This week, TRY to wear some white in every outfit you wear. Ghosts don't feel and cannot eat, so you must stick to eating light things, like salad, miso soup, etc. on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. On Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday you will eat 500 calories for dinner. You may eat one scoop of vanilla ice cream on any day of your choice. While you can’t float in the air like a ghost, this week’s exercise is getting in touch with you spiritual side through yoga- 1 hour each day.
September 15-21:
Witch
Witches are known for casting spells and brewing up potions. This week your main source of calories will be in form of soup, and tea. Your calorie limit will change from day to day. On Thursday and Tuesday, you will eat 600 calories. On Friday, Monday and Wednesday you will eat 500 calories. On Saturday and Sunday, you will eat 650 calories. All these flying characters! This week, your exercise regimen is: running at least 3 days, and doing 1 hour of yoga the days you don’t run.
September 22-28:
Black cats
Black cats are sleek and slim. So this week, wear some tight clothes. And you will be allowed to eat twice a day, like Tiny, and your meals should be high in protein. 600 calorie limit. Cats-most cats are known for their climbing skills. Go on a hike or climbing adventure at least once this week, and keep up your running with 3 days this week.
September 29- October 5:
Frankenstein
Frankenstein was created from parts of various human bodies by a mad scientist. He fears fire, so no hot foods, this week. He’s normally green in color, so stick to green foods this week with a 500 calorie limit. Frankenstein is running from fire, try to keep up with 4 days of running this week.
October 6-12:
Werewolf
Werewolves are known to be strong, but have a temper. This week, you will eat a lot of protein to give you energy for hour long workout sessions (you choose the workout plan). 650 calorie limit.
October 13-19:
Skeleton
Get ready for the hardest week. We all are reading this because we want to look like a skeleton pretty much. How do you become a skeleton? This week, there will be liquid fasts, every day that you can get away with. The days you can’t get away with a liquid fast, you must do a 45 minute workout session.
October 20-26:
Jack-o-Lantern
This week is all about pumpkin. From pumpkin bread to pumpkin seeds to pumpkin spice lattes. If there’s pumpkin in it, you can eat it. Other things you can eat: sweet potatoes, squash, oranges/clementines, carrots. Pumpkins can get pretty heavy; if you get the chance do some weightlifting this week.
October 27-31
Your costume
Hopefully by now you have your costume. Make up a plan that has to do with your costume.
September 1-7:
Vampire
Vampires are known to not appear in mirrors, so this week, try to avoid mirrors. And the next week, when you are no longer a vampire, you will see how different you looked than last week, cause you lost a few pounds. You can only drink red things and also water. Vampires are only awake at night, so you may only eat dinner (under 500 calories). Seeing you are sadly unable to turn into a bat and fly, your exercise for the week is to do 30 push-ups, a day, and go running at least twice to catch up to vampire speed.
September 8-14:
Ghost
Ghosts are stereotypically known to be white and float through walls. This week, TRY to wear some white in every outfit you wear. Ghosts don't feel and cannot eat, so you must stick to eating light things, like salad, miso soup, etc. on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. On Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday you will eat 500 calories for dinner. You may eat one scoop of vanilla ice cream on any day of your choice. While you can’t float in the air like a ghost, this week’s exercise is getting in touch with you spiritual side through yoga- 1 hour each day.
September 15-21:
Witch
Witches are known for casting spells and brewing up potions. This week your main source of calories will be in form of soup, and tea. Your calorie limit will change from day to day. On Thursday and Tuesday, you will eat 600 calories. On Friday, Monday and Wednesday you will eat 500 calories. On Saturday and Sunday, you will eat 650 calories. All these flying characters! This week, your exercise regimen is: running at least 3 days, and doing 1 hour of yoga the days you don’t run.
September 22-28:
Black cats
Black cats are sleek and slim. So this week, wear some tight clothes. And you will be allowed to eat twice a day, like Tiny, and your meals should be high in protein. 600 calorie limit. Cats-most cats are known for their climbing skills. Go on a hike or climbing adventure at least once this week, and keep up your running with 3 days this week.
September 29- October 5:
Frankenstein
Frankenstein was created from parts of various human bodies by a mad scientist. He fears fire, so no hot foods, this week. He’s normally green in color, so stick to green foods this week with a 500 calorie limit. Frankenstein is running from fire, try to keep up with 4 days of running this week.
October 6-12:
Werewolf
Werewolves are known to be strong, but have a temper. This week, you will eat a lot of protein to give you energy for hour long workout sessions (you choose the workout plan). 650 calorie limit.
October 13-19:
Skeleton
Get ready for the hardest week. We all are reading this because we want to look like a skeleton pretty much. How do you become a skeleton? This week, there will be liquid fasts, every day that you can get away with. The days you can’t get away with a liquid fast, you must do a 45 minute workout session.
October 20-26:
Jack-o-Lantern
This week is all about pumpkin. From pumpkin bread to pumpkin seeds to pumpkin spice lattes. If there’s pumpkin in it, you can eat it. Other things you can eat: sweet potatoes, squash, oranges/clementines, carrots. Pumpkins can get pretty heavy; if you get the chance do some weightlifting this week.
October 27-31
Your costume
Hopefully by now you have your costume. Make up a plan that has to do with your costume.
Monday, August 22, 2016
August 22
I can't think clearly enough to write. My life seems so screwed up. I have thoughts just racing through my head and I seem to not be able to slow them down. I'm nervous and sad and hurt and empty and lost and angry and scared. I feel all these emotions and yet somehow I feel numb. I feel like I can't cry and I so badly need to. I feel like I can't speak my mind and I so badly need to be heard. I feel trapped in a shell and not strong enough to break free. And you ask why I feel this way? I have no answer...or a million answers.
I miss my bio-mom. I miss being a small kid and being held in her embrace. I miss telling her all about my school day (well the good parts). I miss her. I miss the relationships I had when she was here. The family relationships. The friends who cared. I miss that. But evenn when she was alive, I feel like I was miserable. Everyone says this started when she died. This started when I was 7 or 8. This started when I started to realize no one really wanted to be my friend. When I started to realize I was the outcast in my class. When I realized I would never meet my mom's expectations. When I realized my dad would never really there for me. When I realized my dad had a new family and I wasn't a part of it. My mom's death was just a catalyst. And now here we are today.
So many things could have been done differently. And I regret so many decisions... but if I hadn't made some of the tough decisions I made, I probably wouldn't be alive. However that might be okay. For everyone.
I miss my bio-mom. I miss being a small kid and being held in her embrace. I miss telling her all about my school day (well the good parts). I miss her. I miss the relationships I had when she was here. The family relationships. The friends who cared. I miss that. But evenn when she was alive, I feel like I was miserable. Everyone says this started when she died. This started when I was 7 or 8. This started when I started to realize no one really wanted to be my friend. When I started to realize I was the outcast in my class. When I realized I would never meet my mom's expectations. When I realized my dad would never really there for me. When I realized my dad had a new family and I wasn't a part of it. My mom's death was just a catalyst. And now here we are today.
So many things could have been done differently. And I regret so many decisions... but if I hadn't made some of the tough decisions I made, I probably wouldn't be alive. However that might be okay. For everyone.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Loneliness
Sorry, I haven't blogged in awhile; I've been really depressed and feeling alone and disconnected. Its been a hard couple of weeks. I'm still recovering from all the chaos of my mom's family visiting and I'm struggling to feel like I belong anywhere. I'm so alone and feel so empty inside. I'm trying to take care of myself, but its so hard.
On Thursday, I OD-ed in the middle of the night. I didn't go to the ER or anything. I'm fine. No pain. I threw up what I had taken. I throw up pretty much everything lately. I hate being the way I am. But I also don't want it to stop.
Tonight, I'm freaking out, because I was supposed to have therapy tomorrow, but my therapist rescheduled for Friday. And we're not even gonna meet in person. Ugh, I'm so anxious about this week. It's been so hard to not participate in behaviors. I feel so screwed up, lately, and like I have no one. My mom's trying really hard to be there for me. I miss my bio-mom- I wish she was here for me.
On Thursday, I OD-ed in the middle of the night. I didn't go to the ER or anything. I'm fine. No pain. I threw up what I had taken. I throw up pretty much everything lately. I hate being the way I am. But I also don't want it to stop.
Tonight, I'm freaking out, because I was supposed to have therapy tomorrow, but my therapist rescheduled for Friday. And we're not even gonna meet in person. Ugh, I'm so anxious about this week. It's been so hard to not participate in behaviors. I feel so screwed up, lately, and like I have no one. My mom's trying really hard to be there for me. I miss my bio-mom- I wish she was here for me.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Paleo Zucchini Bread
Its been difficult, the past couple of days. I've lowered my calorie intake and am purging at least once a day- if not twice. I've only lost a pound in the past couple of weeks. I've increased my activity level, too, though. I'm doing yoga and taking my dog for a walk, every day. It's good for me and my pup. I need to take my cat on a walk; he never gets to leave the back patio. I'm trying to bake more, too. It puts on the illusion that I'm eating more. Today, I baked a gluten free paleo zucchini bread. Each slice is 162 calories. I ate half of a slice just to taste it; its pretty good-I'll leave the recipe down below.
On top of my ED issues, my mom's family is here and bothering the shit out of me. Her mom complains about everything. She doesn't like our bread, cause it has seeds in it. She wouldn't eat dinner, last night, because she didn't like the quinoa in it. She got upset, because my brother drew on himself. Anyways, she's nice otherwise. Well, except for the fact that she almost got sunscreen on me; I'm allergic to the stuff. Its awful going to the pool and feeling surrounded by something the makes me itchy and uncomfortable.
My mom's dad and brother are here too. They're both extroverts, so you can imagine how introverted me feels. I'm constantly overwhelmed by the noise and activity. Luckily my mom sent all the boys out to a bowling alley, while the rest of us could rest. I haven't rested much. I figure I'll hang out and watch tv. Then, when they get back, I'll retreat to my room and take a nap. But for now, I'm enjoying the peace and quiet.
Paleo Zucchini Bread
Ingredients:
-1 1/2 cups of shredded zucchini
-3/4 cup of coconut flour
-1/3 cup of coconut oil
-1/3 cup of honey
-6 eggs
-1 tsp of vanilla extract
-1 tsp of ground cinnamon
-3/4 tsp of baking soda
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a loaf pan. Squeeze the moisture out of the shredded zucchini. Mix all the ingredients together. Pour into a the loaf pan and bake for 50 minutes.
On top of my ED issues, my mom's family is here and bothering the shit out of me. Her mom complains about everything. She doesn't like our bread, cause it has seeds in it. She wouldn't eat dinner, last night, because she didn't like the quinoa in it. She got upset, because my brother drew on himself. Anyways, she's nice otherwise. Well, except for the fact that she almost got sunscreen on me; I'm allergic to the stuff. Its awful going to the pool and feeling surrounded by something the makes me itchy and uncomfortable.
My mom's dad and brother are here too. They're both extroverts, so you can imagine how introverted me feels. I'm constantly overwhelmed by the noise and activity. Luckily my mom sent all the boys out to a bowling alley, while the rest of us could rest. I haven't rested much. I figure I'll hang out and watch tv. Then, when they get back, I'll retreat to my room and take a nap. But for now, I'm enjoying the peace and quiet.
Paleo Zucchini Bread
Ingredients:
-1 1/2 cups of shredded zucchini
-3/4 cup of coconut flour
-1/3 cup of coconut oil
-1/3 cup of honey
-6 eggs
-1 tsp of vanilla extract
-1 tsp of ground cinnamon
-3/4 tsp of baking soda
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a loaf pan. Squeeze the moisture out of the shredded zucchini. Mix all the ingredients together. Pour into a the loaf pan and bake for 50 minutes.
Monday, August 8, 2016
Brownie Recipe!
It's 4:45 pm and I've already eaten over my set calories for today. So my current goal is to eat under 1000 calories; I'm at 850. I know I can do it. I just won't be able to snack and will have to eat a small dinner. I think were doing salmon, brown rice, and green beans for dinner. I should be able to manage. I made brownies yesterday that are about 245 calories each. That seems like so much. I'm planning to back muffins and zucchini bread later this week. I use to bake so much more; I kinda miss it. Plus my mom's family is in town to eat anything I bake!
The whole idea of my mom's family being here stresses me out. I don't feel like they accept me as part of the family and i feel like I'm intruding. I'm probably gonna spend most of the week, isolating in my room. Well, my little brother's room. My grandparents are staying in my room, and my brother sleeps in my parent's room, most nights. So, i'm staying in his room. It's kinda wierd, but at least, I have somewhere to hide.
On another note, one of my daith piercings is infected. My mom had to help me clean it and almost passed out. It's been bothering me for a couple of days and has hurt, so it doesn't surprise me it's infected. Plus I mess with it constantly.
And here's the brownie recipe:
Brownie Ingredients
3 bananas (mashed)
1/2 cup cocoa powder
3/4 cup peanut butter
Brownie Directions
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Mix all the ingredients together and pour into a greased loaf pan. And bake for about 25-30 minutes. Take out and let cool before frosting.
Frosting ingredients
1/4 cup of cream cheese
2 tbsp of stevia
1-2 Tbsp of cocoa powder
2 tbsp of almond milk
Frosting Direction
Mix all the ingredients together. You can add extra milk to make it smoother. Then, spread on top of the cooled brownies.
The whole idea of my mom's family being here stresses me out. I don't feel like they accept me as part of the family and i feel like I'm intruding. I'm probably gonna spend most of the week, isolating in my room. Well, my little brother's room. My grandparents are staying in my room, and my brother sleeps in my parent's room, most nights. So, i'm staying in his room. It's kinda wierd, but at least, I have somewhere to hide.
On another note, one of my daith piercings is infected. My mom had to help me clean it and almost passed out. It's been bothering me for a couple of days and has hurt, so it doesn't surprise me it's infected. Plus I mess with it constantly.
And here's the brownie recipe:
Brownie Ingredients
3 bananas (mashed)
1/2 cup cocoa powder
3/4 cup peanut butter
Brownie Directions
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Mix all the ingredients together and pour into a greased loaf pan. And bake for about 25-30 minutes. Take out and let cool before frosting.
Frosting ingredients
1/4 cup of cream cheese
2 tbsp of stevia
1-2 Tbsp of cocoa powder
2 tbsp of almond milk
Frosting Direction
Mix all the ingredients together. You can add extra milk to make it smoother. Then, spread on top of the cooled brownies.
Saturday, August 6, 2016
Not Sleeping
I'm starting to spiral. I can't sleep and I'm struggling to take my bedtime meds. It should be easy- take the meds and go to sleep. But part of me is afraid to sleep. I'm scared something bad will happen while I'm asleep. I know that's crazy thinking, but the things that were brought up at therapy, earlier this week, are having an effect on my mental state. I've shoved so much down over the years and hidden so many things. I'm scared they'll surface. Nobody knows I'm struggling this much. They don't know I'm spiraling out of control.
How do I get a grip on this and slow down? I can't; I'm stuck and my thoughts and fears are surfacing. My therapist is unavailable this weekend; I dunno that I can get by without SH-ing. She left another therapist's number with me, in case something happened. But I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone else. Plus, it's 2 am and no one's awake.
I'm continuing to cut calories. And am trying to burn more without making it obvious. My mom's family is coming to visit this week, so it might be easier to get by on a low calorie count. My parents will be distracted with taking care of the grandparents and uncles and aunt. I may actually lose some weight this week!!
How do I get a grip on this and slow down? I can't; I'm stuck and my thoughts and fears are surfacing. My therapist is unavailable this weekend; I dunno that I can get by without SH-ing. She left another therapist's number with me, in case something happened. But I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone else. Plus, it's 2 am and no one's awake.
I'm continuing to cut calories. And am trying to burn more without making it obvious. My mom's family is coming to visit this week, so it might be easier to get by on a low calorie count. My parents will be distracted with taking care of the grandparents and uncles and aunt. I may actually lose some weight this week!!
Thursday, August 4, 2016
August 4
Its been a rough couple of days. I had my appointment with my therapist on Monday. We talked about somethings that happened a few years ago. I had never really discussed it with anyone and I freaked out after I got home and completely shut down. I ended up cutting and later OD-ing on my sleep meds. They didn't even put me to sleep. Wide awake until almost 8 the next morning was miserable. I'm still struggling with sleep. I hope this doesn't send me into another cycle of insomnia.That was awful.
I'm doing alright with my set number of calories each day. Eventually, I'll get down to my goal weight. I've been trying to do a little bit of yoga each morning to start my day. Today, I also went swimming. I've been also trying to take my dog out for a walk everyday. She's a small dog so we normally just let her run in the backyard.
Oh tonight was awesome, because I got to cook dinner, so I could measure everything. And know exactly what is in my food.
Well, I gotta go. I have bible study tonight and my friend should be here to pick me up soon.
I'm doing alright with my set number of calories each day. Eventually, I'll get down to my goal weight. I've been trying to do a little bit of yoga each morning to start my day. Today, I also went swimming. I've been also trying to take my dog out for a walk everyday. She's a small dog so we normally just let her run in the backyard.
Oh tonight was awesome, because I got to cook dinner, so I could measure everything. And know exactly what is in my food.
Well, I gotta go. I have bible study tonight and my friend should be here to pick me up soon.
Monday, August 1, 2016
feel like giving up
I don't even know what to say, right now. I feel like crap and no body wants me around. My mom and dad cancelled their date, because of me. My little brothers hate me, and treat me like I'm less than them. I'm a burden on everyone. And I just don't wanna fight anymore. It sucks, because I'm trying to do everything right and I'm keep f***ing it up. I dunno if I should even go to therapy today. What's the point? She can't fix the fact that I'm a burden on everyone and no one wants me around.
A few days ago, we were driving over a bridge and all I wanted to do was jump off that bridge. Last night, my urges to OD were so strong. How much longer can I go without OD-ing or cutting? I'm not okay, and everyone keeps saying it'll get better. But it's not gonna get better, as long as I'm here. I've screwed up so many things. And I can't keep going like this. I don't wanna keep going. I'm at the end of my line. What do I have to do to make everyone happy?
A few days ago, we were driving over a bridge and all I wanted to do was jump off that bridge. Last night, my urges to OD were so strong. How much longer can I go without OD-ing or cutting? I'm not okay, and everyone keeps saying it'll get better. But it's not gonna get better, as long as I'm here. I've screwed up so many things. And I can't keep going like this. I don't wanna keep going. I'm at the end of my line. What do I have to do to make everyone happy?
Saturday, July 30, 2016
If I'm not thin, I'm not attractive.
I know plenty of people who aren’t thin, but still attractive. However, when I look in the mirror and see all the fat glued to my bones, it terrifies me. I don’t want it there, whether I’m trying to recover or not. I don’t wanna wake up in the morning and have to drag an overly heavy body out of bed. I don’t wanna walk by people and brush against them, because I’m too fat to fit. I don’t want my future husband to be disgusted by my rolls of fat. I don’t want my friends to say, “Ally’s just let herself go.”
I wanna look at myself and like what I see. And I can’t do the unless I’m underweight and thin. When I’m nothing but bones, I’ll feel good about myself and see beauty when I look in the mirror. I want that more than anything. I have a plan to lose weight and if I follow it, I’ll succeed.
First, I have a certain number of calories for each day over the next month. Second, I have a plan to start running. For the next week, I’m gonna go for a walk, each day. Then I’ll add in three days of running. Eventually, I’ll run 6 days a week. And finally, I have a reward system. For every 5 lbs I lose, I get to purchase something. The first reward is a puzzle. I can do this!!
I wanna look at myself and like what I see. And I can’t do the unless I’m underweight and thin. When I’m nothing but bones, I’ll feel good about myself and see beauty when I look in the mirror. I want that more than anything. I have a plan to lose weight and if I follow it, I’ll succeed.
First, I have a certain number of calories for each day over the next month. Second, I have a plan to start running. For the next week, I’m gonna go for a walk, each day. Then I’ll add in three days of running. Eventually, I’ll run 6 days a week. And finally, I have a reward system. For every 5 lbs I lose, I get to purchase something. The first reward is a puzzle. I can do this!!
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Worries...
I am so nervous about Friday night. That's my parents date night. I asked 2 different friends if they were available to come over, but one's gonna be out of town and the other just can't do it. I dunno what I'm gonna do. I don't think my brothers will listen to me, especially the youngest. And I'm afraid of being left home alone. My therapist and I talked about practicing being home alone, but I don't think I'm ready. All I've been thinking about the past couple of days is cutting and OD-ing. I don't wanna screw up, but I sort of do. I know that makes no sense. I haven't talked to my mom about it; I'm too nervous. I don't even know how to start the conversation.
Then there's this family visit happening in 2 weeks. I'm so nervous about having more people in the house. My sister was one thing, but this is my mom's family and i feel like they don't consider me a part of the family. Which I guess I'm not biologically. But my parents did adopt me, so legally I am. It's just awkward feeling like I'm intruding on family time. Maybe I'll stay locked up in my room the whole visit. With all the anxiety I feel right now, maybe I'll stay locked up forever.
I just did my worry time and the timer went off, so I need to stop worrying. But it's so hard. My therapist is gonna be out of town the next few days too. I dunno how I'm gonna get by without being able to contact her. When did life get so tough?
Then there's this family visit happening in 2 weeks. I'm so nervous about having more people in the house. My sister was one thing, but this is my mom's family and i feel like they don't consider me a part of the family. Which I guess I'm not biologically. But my parents did adopt me, so legally I am. It's just awkward feeling like I'm intruding on family time. Maybe I'll stay locked up in my room the whole visit. With all the anxiety I feel right now, maybe I'll stay locked up forever.
I just did my worry time and the timer went off, so I need to stop worrying. But it's so hard. My therapist is gonna be out of town the next few days too. I dunno how I'm gonna get by without being able to contact her. When did life get so tough?
Monday, July 25, 2016
July 25
This past weekend, my sister and her family came to visit. The visit was pretty good. I learned my sister needed me to talk to her and be there for her more. And she learned its hard for me to speak up and interact when there's a lot of people around and a lot of commotion. And there was a lot going on this weekend. My extroverted 8 year old brother was stealing the spotlight. He talks so much and my sister's husband is fairly extrovert; so they got along great. It was impossible for me to get any words in.
So Saturday, my sister and I went to Barnes and Noble. It was nice. I found some awesome journals and a really hard puzzle- all of it was 50% off!! Good bargain shopping! Then we sat down for some tea and cookies. I actually allowed myself to eat a cookie! I allowed myself to eat a lot this weekend. I feel like I've gained a hundred pounds. Anyways, on Sunday, my sister and I had lunch together, just us and her baby. I love spending time with her- just one-on-one time. I miss her already.
Anyways, today I had therapy. Normally, its on Thursdays, but my therapist is gonna be out of town this Thursday. We talked about picking one time a day to mindfully worry. The rest of the day put my worries away. I dunno how well its gonna work, but I'm trying. We also talked about practicing staying home alone. My parents don't leave me home alone, because I OD-ed last time. I understand their concerns. I'm nervous about staying home alone, but I'm an adult and someday, I'm gonna be living independently again; I need to practice independence skills.
My mom also wants a friend to come stay with me on Friday, while her and my dad are on a date. I'm nervous about asking anyone. But I'm trying to get past that fear and just ask. We'll be babysitting my brothers and putting them to bed. After that we're free to watch a movie or play a game or puzzle. How do I ask someone to come over without being awkward? I feel so awkward around my new friends as it is. I'm not supposed to be worrying right now. So we'll just put it on a shelf and save it for later.
So Saturday, my sister and I went to Barnes and Noble. It was nice. I found some awesome journals and a really hard puzzle- all of it was 50% off!! Good bargain shopping! Then we sat down for some tea and cookies. I actually allowed myself to eat a cookie! I allowed myself to eat a lot this weekend. I feel like I've gained a hundred pounds. Anyways, on Sunday, my sister and I had lunch together, just us and her baby. I love spending time with her- just one-on-one time. I miss her already.
Anyways, today I had therapy. Normally, its on Thursdays, but my therapist is gonna be out of town this Thursday. We talked about picking one time a day to mindfully worry. The rest of the day put my worries away. I dunno how well its gonna work, but I'm trying. We also talked about practicing staying home alone. My parents don't leave me home alone, because I OD-ed last time. I understand their concerns. I'm nervous about staying home alone, but I'm an adult and someday, I'm gonna be living independently again; I need to practice independence skills.
My mom also wants a friend to come stay with me on Friday, while her and my dad are on a date. I'm nervous about asking anyone. But I'm trying to get past that fear and just ask. We'll be babysitting my brothers and putting them to bed. After that we're free to watch a movie or play a game or puzzle. How do I ask someone to come over without being awkward? I feel so awkward around my new friends as it is. I'm not supposed to be worrying right now. So we'll just put it on a shelf and save it for later.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
How do I break free?
It's been okay the past couple of days. Still feel like I'm eating too much. And I've been sticking my fingers down my throat so much that I now have sores on my knuckles. Oh the joys of Ana. I'm struggling to maintain a stable mood and am struggling to keep up with my DBT assignments this week. My therapist is not gonna be happy with me. Its just so hard to care when everything feels like shit.
Last night, I went out with a friend. I told my mom I ate dinner with her. I said we went to Chick-fil-a. I feel terrible for lying. I didn't eat dinner. I ate some candy- which I also feel guilty for. I'm such a fat ass. A lying fat ass. I dunno why I lied. I feel like Ana's got a hold of me and I can't break free. It's like I'm in a jail cell. My brothers and I play a game, where they lock me in jail. I'm never sure why I'm going to jail, but I follow their lead and cry to be freed. That's what it feels like with Ana. I just wanna break free. I cry for her to let me go and it feels like she puts me in isolation.
What do I do? How do I break free? How do I break these chains that hold me down? How? What do I have to do to break free and live a happy healthy life? Is there even such thing?
Last night, I went out with a friend. I told my mom I ate dinner with her. I said we went to Chick-fil-a. I feel terrible for lying. I didn't eat dinner. I ate some candy- which I also feel guilty for. I'm such a fat ass. A lying fat ass. I dunno why I lied. I feel like Ana's got a hold of me and I can't break free. It's like I'm in a jail cell. My brothers and I play a game, where they lock me in jail. I'm never sure why I'm going to jail, but I follow their lead and cry to be freed. That's what it feels like with Ana. I just wanna break free. I cry for her to let me go and it feels like she puts me in isolation.
What do I do? How do I break free? How do I break these chains that hold me down? How? What do I have to do to break free and live a happy healthy life? Is there even such thing?
Monday, July 18, 2016
Attachment? Abandonment?
The first two days of my plan have been alright. I ate too much today, but theres always tomorrow. Today was alright. We went grocery shopping. My mom had the list and we got stuff without me panicking. There are times when I'm standing in the store that I just wanna curl up in a ball and hide. The decisions are so hard to make. Glad my mom's here to help ease that anxiety. My little brothers are both refusing to eat dinner tonight. Its a fight with them most nights. I try to be a good example and eat my dinner. Of course, I generally purge dinner. But they don't need to know that.
Oh, tomorrow's gonna be pretty exciting. Me and a friend are gonna go see a movie! Its around dinner time, so I'll probably catch dinner with her. Hopefully, I don't have to eat too much. Its hard for me to relate to other people, but I'm trying really hard to make friends here. Even if they're just temporary friends. They could last as my friends, but its not likely. I feel like I burn through friends faster than I burn through therapist. No one ever sticks around long, and if theres a chance they will, it seems like i move several states over. Maybe I fear attachment as much as I fear abandonment.
Speaking of attachment and abandonment, I'm nervous about this whole therapy thing. I wanna grow more trust with her. From what I can see, she's good at her job and knows what she's talking about, but I'm scared if I open up to her, she'll leave or quit on me. I don't wanna lose another therapist I've grown attached to. I don't think I'm as attached to her as I was to my old therapist that quit on me. But I dunno if I wanna get that attached, ever- to anyone. Yet, I complain about feeling lonely.
Oh, tomorrow's gonna be pretty exciting. Me and a friend are gonna go see a movie! Its around dinner time, so I'll probably catch dinner with her. Hopefully, I don't have to eat too much. Its hard for me to relate to other people, but I'm trying really hard to make friends here. Even if they're just temporary friends. They could last as my friends, but its not likely. I feel like I burn through friends faster than I burn through therapist. No one ever sticks around long, and if theres a chance they will, it seems like i move several states over. Maybe I fear attachment as much as I fear abandonment.
Speaking of attachment and abandonment, I'm nervous about this whole therapy thing. I wanna grow more trust with her. From what I can see, she's good at her job and knows what she's talking about, but I'm scared if I open up to her, she'll leave or quit on me. I don't wanna lose another therapist I've grown attached to. I don't think I'm as attached to her as I was to my old therapist that quit on me. But I dunno if I wanna get that attached, ever- to anyone. Yet, I complain about feeling lonely.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
New Plan
Okay, so maybe I wasn't ready to do the 2468 diet. Between cravings and trying not to make it obvious that I'm struggling with Ana, I just completely failed. I'm disappointed in myself, but I have a new plan. I'm gonna start this week at eating 800 Calories or less and running/swimming 2 times. From there, I'll subtract 50 calories each week and add an exercise time. I think I'll do alright with this. Once I get down to 450 calories, I'll stop subtracting calories and maintain by eating that amount each day. It should be easier to slowly subtract calories. Hopefully, I can get down to 70 lbs around early September.
Saturday, July 16, 2016
400 Calories
Yesterday was okay, but I gave into my craving for cheetos, so I ate well over 400 calories. Today, I'm gonna do 400 again. I've already had a salad; the dressing was 130 calories. I'll just eat nothing else until dinner and try to eat something small for dinner. I don't think my parents have noticed anything off, yet. I'm sure they'll catch on pretty quickly. They're both very intelligent and my mom is very aware of changes in my routine.
I got my piercings last night, which was f***ing awesome! They're a little sore today, but I'm so excited about them! I remember when I was in hospital as a teenager, there was a girl who had a ton piercings. She had done them herself, as a way of self-harm. I can cut, but I dunno that I'd ever be able to pierce my cartilage by myself. I would need someone else to do it for me. I've thought about giving myself piercings, but i don't wanna mess it up or have it get infected.
On our way home from the piercing place, my mom talked to me about my parents next date night. Seeing I OD-ed last time, she feels like I might do it again and wants me to ask for a friend to come over to hang out with me. She wants some one to basically baby sit me. I understand why, but I don't wanna ask my friends, especially when I barely know them, to come over and baby sit me and my brothers, while my parents are out. That seems so awkward!
I got my piercings last night, which was f***ing awesome! They're a little sore today, but I'm so excited about them! I remember when I was in hospital as a teenager, there was a girl who had a ton piercings. She had done them herself, as a way of self-harm. I can cut, but I dunno that I'd ever be able to pierce my cartilage by myself. I would need someone else to do it for me. I've thought about giving myself piercings, but i don't wanna mess it up or have it get infected.
On our way home from the piercing place, my mom talked to me about my parents next date night. Seeing I OD-ed last time, she feels like I might do it again and wants me to ask for a friend to come over to hang out with me. She wants some one to basically baby sit me. I understand why, but I don't wanna ask my friends, especially when I barely know them, to come over and baby sit me and my brothers, while my parents are out. That seems so awkward!
Friday, July 15, 2016
2468 Diet Started Yesterday
I meant to blog last night, but I had a migraine. I have so much to say, so this might get long. First let's talk about my diet. I am doing 2468 diet. I started yesterday, but I ate a little over 200 calories. I had cajun chicken and rice. I need to work on excuses to not eat dinner with my family. I tried to purge afterwards, but barely anything came up. I'm doing better today. All I've eaten is celery with peanut butter. I decided I'm not gonna count the calories of raw fruit and vegetables. So today I've had 210 calories in peanut butter. I'm gonna have to eat dinner, so I'll need to figure out the calories in whatever I decide to eat. It's leftovers night.
Now, to talking about my day, yesterday. It sucked! I had 4 appointments back to back. On top of the migraine. My first appointment was with my DBT therapist. I'm struggling to trust her with my insecurities and fears. I know I need to, if I ever wanna get past this shit. But it's hard. I wanna talk to her and be honest. But I feel so stuck and I dunno. Anyways, after that I went to the mental health clinic to get an EKG. They said something about it was abnormal and seemed concerned, but nothing looks abnormal. Maybe I don't now how to read it, but i get the basics and I don't think anythings wrong. It was probably reading my tremors.
After the EKG, I had to meet with my psychiatrist. The guy's an idiot. But maybe he's right. He told me to watch my weight- that I didn't wanna gain too much. Challenge accepted, doc! I will not gain too much weight. In fact, I'll see how much I can lose! Will that satisfy you?? It just really upset me. Because I know I think I'm fat, but I've never had a doctor or someone who's supposed to know what they're talking about tell I'm getting fat. I wish I could cut all the fat off and leave it on his doorstep. I know; I'm such a borderline.
After I met with the doc, I had to meet with my caseworker. I don't get it. I was switched to her so I wouldn't have to go as often and she's like lets meet every 2 weeks. I'm like I have a f***ing therapist already and she actually knows how to treat my illness, unlike you idiots!! I'm so pissed; I don't even wanna go back. I know I'm gonna have to, in order to stay on my meds. Maybe I'll stop taking them. I haven't even taken them today, now that I'm thinking about it. Oh well.
Right when I thought I was getting out of my funk from last week's therapy session, I get jerked back down. I feel like its never gonna end and I'm trying so hard to hold it together. But I feel like I'm starting to spiral and I can't catch a breather. And the people who are supposed to be helping me are only making it worse.
On the bright side, I'm getting some sweet piercing this weekend. I'm getting my daith piercings in both ears. It's supposed to be a trigger point and will help alleviate migraines! I'm excited; I've been wanting to get this piercing for awhile and my mom met some guys in the waiting room yesterday that had it done and they said it really worked. So at least, I have something to look forward to.
Now, to talking about my day, yesterday. It sucked! I had 4 appointments back to back. On top of the migraine. My first appointment was with my DBT therapist. I'm struggling to trust her with my insecurities and fears. I know I need to, if I ever wanna get past this shit. But it's hard. I wanna talk to her and be honest. But I feel so stuck and I dunno. Anyways, after that I went to the mental health clinic to get an EKG. They said something about it was abnormal and seemed concerned, but nothing looks abnormal. Maybe I don't now how to read it, but i get the basics and I don't think anythings wrong. It was probably reading my tremors.
After the EKG, I had to meet with my psychiatrist. The guy's an idiot. But maybe he's right. He told me to watch my weight- that I didn't wanna gain too much. Challenge accepted, doc! I will not gain too much weight. In fact, I'll see how much I can lose! Will that satisfy you?? It just really upset me. Because I know I think I'm fat, but I've never had a doctor or someone who's supposed to know what they're talking about tell I'm getting fat. I wish I could cut all the fat off and leave it on his doorstep. I know; I'm such a borderline.
After I met with the doc, I had to meet with my caseworker. I don't get it. I was switched to her so I wouldn't have to go as often and she's like lets meet every 2 weeks. I'm like I have a f***ing therapist already and she actually knows how to treat my illness, unlike you idiots!! I'm so pissed; I don't even wanna go back. I know I'm gonna have to, in order to stay on my meds. Maybe I'll stop taking them. I haven't even taken them today, now that I'm thinking about it. Oh well.
Right when I thought I was getting out of my funk from last week's therapy session, I get jerked back down. I feel like its never gonna end and I'm trying so hard to hold it together. But I feel like I'm starting to spiral and I can't catch a breather. And the people who are supposed to be helping me are only making it worse.
On the bright side, I'm getting some sweet piercing this weekend. I'm getting my daith piercings in both ears. It's supposed to be a trigger point and will help alleviate migraines! I'm excited; I've been wanting to get this piercing for awhile and my mom met some guys in the waiting room yesterday that had it done and they said it really worked. So at least, I have something to look forward to.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
July 13
How do people live without cutting? I've been cutting for so long, I can't see life without it. I need it to survive. I wanna cut so badly right now. I'm supposed to be going out with a friend in a little bit, so its not really an ideal time to cut. Plus my mom has my scissors. I purged a few minutes ago. Every time I purge, I have this strong urge to cut. I dunno why. But I'm hanging over the toilet with stuff dripping down my face and all I wanna do sit against the wall and watch a cut bleed. I wish I had my scissors. My therapist talks about a life worth living, and says someday, I'll have it. I don't have much faith that I will.
I decided I will start counting calories. I'm just trying to settle on a number of calories. Or if I'm gonna do a different number every day. Or maybe I'll try the 2468 diet. I dunno. Today I've already fucked up, so tomorrow will be my first day of counting. I was gonna make up my own diet with a different number of calories each day, but now, I'm kinda leaning towards the 2468 diet.
Friends here. gotta go.
I decided I will start counting calories. I'm just trying to settle on a number of calories. Or if I'm gonna do a different number every day. Or maybe I'll try the 2468 diet. I dunno. Today I've already fucked up, so tomorrow will be my first day of counting. I was gonna make up my own diet with a different number of calories each day, but now, I'm kinda leaning towards the 2468 diet.
Friends here. gotta go.
Monday, July 11, 2016
To listen or Not listen to Ana
I'm really struggling to manage my emotions. I'm on a roller coaster of anger, fear, betrayal and hurt. I can't figure out how to stabilize myself. On the outside I seem perfectly fine. I'm engaged in family activities and helping out around the house and taking care of my kitty. But on the inside, I have so much going on. I'm afraid if I let any of it out, I'll lose my family again. I don't wanna lose them, but if I don't get a grip on this soon, I will. I can't deal with that again. I will fall apart and have nowhere to go. No one to turn to. That scares the shit out of me.
I'm trying to be open and honest with my therapist. I want to trust her, but I'm afraid to. I wanna put up on my walls and defenses to protect myself from getting hurt again. I told her I wouldn't kill myself as long as I'm in treatment with her and that I would talk to her if I was thinking about quitting treatment. I'm not suicidal and I don't wanna give up on treatment. But I wanna know I can trust everyone involved in my treatment.
As far as Ana goes, lately she's been whispering in my ear nonstop. I'm slipping back and may start counting calories again. I know I shouldn't, but I'm struggling to not think about my weight. I currently weigh 99 lbs; that's 18.7 BMI. Its not too terrible. It could be on the higher end of "healthy". I'm glad its not, but I wanna get down to my UGW of 65 lbs. Its hard, because I live with my parents now and my mom notices every little change in my diet. So how do I make it seem like I'm eating more than I really am? I dunno. I've been throwing food out when my mom's not paying attention. She has me drink 1 nutrition shake a day. Its so hard to drink it; I feel like its loaded with calories. Sometimes, I wish Ana would shut up, but right now, she seems to be the part of me holding it all together. If I do decide to start counting calories, I'll post and update on here about my diet.
I'm trying to be open and honest with my therapist. I want to trust her, but I'm afraid to. I wanna put up on my walls and defenses to protect myself from getting hurt again. I told her I wouldn't kill myself as long as I'm in treatment with her and that I would talk to her if I was thinking about quitting treatment. I'm not suicidal and I don't wanna give up on treatment. But I wanna know I can trust everyone involved in my treatment.
As far as Ana goes, lately she's been whispering in my ear nonstop. I'm slipping back and may start counting calories again. I know I shouldn't, but I'm struggling to not think about my weight. I currently weigh 99 lbs; that's 18.7 BMI. Its not too terrible. It could be on the higher end of "healthy". I'm glad its not, but I wanna get down to my UGW of 65 lbs. Its hard, because I live with my parents now and my mom notices every little change in my diet. So how do I make it seem like I'm eating more than I really am? I dunno. I've been throwing food out when my mom's not paying attention. She has me drink 1 nutrition shake a day. Its so hard to drink it; I feel like its loaded with calories. Sometimes, I wish Ana would shut up, but right now, she seems to be the part of me holding it all together. If I do decide to start counting calories, I'll post and update on here about my diet.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
I quit
I feel like shit. I look like shit. Maybe I am shit. I don't feel like fighting my depression or Ana today. She's too strong. And what's the point? Everyone I trust is turning against me. I feel completely alone. And if weren't for the one cell in my brain that still cares, I'd be dead right now. I'm tired of fighting.
I haven't felt this much anger in awhile and I just wanna vent and I've got no one to vent to. I'm tired of everyone telling me how to fix my life. Do you think I haven't tried to fix my life? I'm 24 years old; I've been dealing with this for over ten years. I do what works. I get by. No, my methods are not ideal or perfect. If they were, Ana wouldn't be such a pain in my ass.
I know everybody thinks getting a job is gonna magically make my life better. But I had a job. It didn't do shit to make me feel better. I was continually put down by customers and reminded how worthless I was. I don't see how that's helpful. I tried to be positive on the job and tried to ignore the comments and the rude customers. I tried to work and go to school and pull myself together everyday. I still ended up depressed. I still ended up in this black hole of anger and hurt and fear and loneliness.
Going back to school didn't help. Even when I finally knew what I wanted to major in. The stress was too much. The hours were too many and I couldn't handle it. I tried to fight and pull myself together. Even on the days, I was curled up on the living room floor, panicking, I tried to talk myself into getting up and going to school. I wasn't good enough. So don't tell me a job or school is gonna fix me. Because its not.
And don't tell me to turn to God, either. He abandoned me. I needed him and where was he. I called out. I cried and he wasn't here. He was busy taking care of all the other people who needed him more. I'm alone in this. No one's here. Nothing can fix this. So just stop with the advice and suggestions. Because I'm done fighting. I don't care if I get better or not.
I haven't felt this much anger in awhile and I just wanna vent and I've got no one to vent to. I'm tired of everyone telling me how to fix my life. Do you think I haven't tried to fix my life? I'm 24 years old; I've been dealing with this for over ten years. I do what works. I get by. No, my methods are not ideal or perfect. If they were, Ana wouldn't be such a pain in my ass.
I know everybody thinks getting a job is gonna magically make my life better. But I had a job. It didn't do shit to make me feel better. I was continually put down by customers and reminded how worthless I was. I don't see how that's helpful. I tried to be positive on the job and tried to ignore the comments and the rude customers. I tried to work and go to school and pull myself together everyday. I still ended up depressed. I still ended up in this black hole of anger and hurt and fear and loneliness.
Going back to school didn't help. Even when I finally knew what I wanted to major in. The stress was too much. The hours were too many and I couldn't handle it. I tried to fight and pull myself together. Even on the days, I was curled up on the living room floor, panicking, I tried to talk myself into getting up and going to school. I wasn't good enough. So don't tell me a job or school is gonna fix me. Because its not.
And don't tell me to turn to God, either. He abandoned me. I needed him and where was he. I called out. I cried and he wasn't here. He was busy taking care of all the other people who needed him more. I'm alone in this. No one's here. Nothing can fix this. So just stop with the advice and suggestions. Because I'm done fighting. I don't care if I get better or not.
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