Wanting Ana

Feeling a little fat and gross. Not wearing baggy clothes, today. First time, in a while. i feel more free today, but when I look down and see that my stomach isn't flat, it grosses me out. It makes me kinda sad. Every day, I'm trying to eat less. I wanna get back down to 80.

Crazier and Crazier

It's been an insane month, quite literally. Was in the hospital due to "anorexia" and suicide ideation for a week and a half. Then a transition house for a week. Then the homeless shelter for a week. Then I was detained in the hospital with a psychotic episode and inability to take care of myself for a week. And now I'm at the transition house again. From here, I'm going to live with my sister. I am not giving up Ana...but I'm scared of my future and I'm terrified of my current situation. Most days I feel confused and not really sure I wanna be alive. I wish I knew what to do and where to go from here. But I'm trapped in an illness that seems to consume me and I keep asking am I ever gonna get out. All I hope for right now is to get through the end of this year. I honestly dunno if I will. A part of me wants to beg for help, but this other part of me keeps doing everything to tear me apart. Not sure it'll ever end. Hopefully, Ana will bring me some sort of peace.

Ended up in hospital...

Felt suicidal, because I'm a worthless piece of shit. I can't keep up. I need to work out more and eat less. Food is sickening. Calories mean more fat. Disgusting. Not working out means fat sitting of my thighs and hips and stomach. Gross. Food is the center of my hell! However there's a few other things causing me to wanna end my life. I'm afraid that I'm gonna lose the last person I really trust. I don't trust very many people because every one seems to not want me around. I don't blame them; I'm a stupid, ugly bitch. I'm tired of losing people, but maybe I deserve to be alone. Maybe a higher power (Ana, God, or whoever) wants me to be miserable. I was a mistake and they need me to get rid of myself to save their ass. I wish so badly I'd die. A few days in the hospital and I still feel completely depressed and alone. Once again, I did avoid giving Ana up, however, I think it may be time. I wanna lose weight; I wanna be good enough. But I realize I need help. I'm scared to let go of Ana and end up feeling more alone. I'm scared I'll gain weight and become uglier and more worthless. My biggest fear is I'm better off destroying myself, because no body can help me.

I hate myself

I hate how fat and ugly I am. I hate not being good enough. I just want some one to care about me, but they never will. No matter how small or skinny I am, no one will ever give a damn about me. I try so hard to be pretty, to be good enough. But they all want me gone. No body wants me alive. My parents have been waiting for months for me to kill myself. My siblings, my friends, my therapist want me out of their life. The county's therapist and doctor don't want me. They just see me as an untreatable mental case. The woman that I have been living with is sick and I've been nothing but a burden on her. I don't want her life to be this way. I don't wanna burden any one else. I'm done trying to be skinny, to be perfect- I just wanna die.

Have to lose weight

I gotta lose weight. I gotta stop eating. I gotta work out more. No more taking the bus or getting rides. I needa walk everywhere and anywhere. I'm so fat and I can't stand it. I gotta focus on not eating and I needa stop sitting on my ass. Instead of sitting on my ass while I watch tv, I'm gonna work out.

Back to counting

I finally got myself t start counting calories, agaain I got off track for a couple of weeks. But now, I'm ready to work a little harder. I'm thinking about trying the ABC diet, but I'm nervous. I wish I had some one to talk to and get tips from. But no one really understands.

Walking til I'm ready to pass out

I've been eating way too much. But I've also been forcing myself to walk until I pphysically feel unable to walk anymore. Then after taking a break, I try to walk a little more. I've been at a steady 87 lbs for several days. I wish I could be at a steady 84 lbs. Hopefully in the next week, I'll get back down to 84.

Baggy Skinnies

I lov the way these pants fit. I only own skinny jeans, but the pair that I'm wearing today is my favorite pair. They're baggy on me and make me feel so small and skinny. I love feeling good enough and pretty. I also love how they slide down when I walk, revealing my hip bone. Not because I want every one else to see. But because the way my hip bone feels. I love to be able to feel my tiny little bone. Its perfect.

Down to 84!

I'm down to 84 lbs! I've been eating too much, but I've increased my amount of exerciise. I have 24 lbs to go before I'm happy with my size. I just need to start eating less and I'll be able to get there. Some days, I do great; I eat less than 500 calries...but other days, I eat and eat until I feel sick. I hate how it makes me feel like a filthy fat pig. But the next day, I feel so motivated to rip all the weight off. I walk over ten miles and feel like I'm about to pass out by the time I get home. And even though I feel physically exhausted, I'm so proud of myself. I wish I had more days like that.

Yes, I'm fat. Yes, I'm ugly. And yes, I'm worthless.

I hate myself for being alive. For not commiting suicide. For being an ugly, worthless being. I want to die. I want to starve myself to death. I want to stab my empty body over and over again, while watching the fat run out of me llike blood.