Binging and fasting

I binged three days in a row...how gross is that?! Today, I'm only fluids...no food. Coffee, calorie free sports drink, diet soda and water. End of story. Tomorrow, more fasting. I must lose all this extra weight. I hate feeling so fat. I hate looking at myself. My pants are tight- they should not be tight. My stomach has a thick layer of fat that has to go. I will walk miles and miles if I have to. I will workout. I just hate myself and feel so guilty for bingng. I will punish myself until I'm small enough. Even if that means the rest of my life!

Diet Pills, Energy, and less calories

I'm taking one diet pill a day, right now. That's all I really seem to need right now. I still have plenty of energy to do everything I need to get done. I'm struggling with sleep at night, though. Its not terrible; it just takes forever. My stomach growls a lot in the afternoon, but it makes me smile. I'm not sure I could do this without that pill! I'm trying to eat less. Friday didn't go so well, but I got down to 800, yesterday. And today, I've only had 300, so far. Coffee drinks are what's really getting me. Its cold out, so I'm drinking a lot more mochas, lattes, cidar... Thats the hardest part. I'm not really missing food, but I have been getting dehydrated. I'm trying to drink enough fluids, but it's actually really difficult. I'm watering down lemonade and gatorade to try to help.

I wish they would stop staring

Yes, I'm fat and ugly. Take a fucking picture and move on. I wanna crawl into a hole and die. I hate this worthless life of mine. More weight. I just keep gaining. And i just wanna run away from it all I hate looking in the mirror, epecially when I dont have cothes on. Its all fat. I try not to eat, but I always fuck up. I tried diet pills and had a bad reaction. Right now, I wanna take al the pills in my house and curl u into a miserable little ball to die. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling so alone and hurt. i really wanna die this time. No body cares. My boyfriend might have a brain tumor and if he does, its just another person to leave me. This time I wanna leave. I wanna leave them.

Ana's return

Its been rough. I've kinda lost track with Ana, but am determined to lose all this f***ing weight. I'm looking into diet pills, and needa start drinking lots of tea again. I'm also starting to drink more coffee, but I needa buy a coffee maker. I'm very tight on money, which means I'm eating less. I really wanna lose 20 pounds. I wish I could do it before my boyfriend moves in.I'm skyping with him right now. I'll try to get the diet pills tomorrow, and some tea. I have diet coke at home, which I think I need right now, because I am exhausted. Does being pro-ana make me bad? I mean I just wanna be skinny. What's the big deal?

Not fat, but not perfect

I realized that I am so damn cute. I was the cutest kid ever. Screw my sibblings for making me feel like I was the fat one. They were so effing jealous! The only complaint about my body, right now. Okay- there's a few complaints. First and most visible- my stomach. Its just sticking out more than I'd like. Its gross- I look like I'm a few months pregnant and I do not want that. SO the stomach has to go. Secondly, as always, my thighs and butt- I just don't want them that big. I like my baggy skinnies. That's it and the only way, I'll be able to get back there- eat less. I eat way too much, now. I'm always hungry and wanna eat, everything. Its gross. I gotta, gotta, gotta eat less.

Wanting Ana

Feeling a little fat and gross. Not wearing baggy clothes, today. First time, in a while. i feel more free today, but when I look down and see that my stomach isn't flat, it grosses me out. It makes me kinda sad. Every day, I'm trying to eat less. I wanna get back down to 80.

Crazier and Crazier

It's been an insane month, quite literally. Was in the hospital due to "anorexia" and suicide ideation for a week and a half. Then a transition house for a week. Then the homeless shelter for a week. Then I was detained in the hospital with a psychotic episode and inability to take care of myself for a week. And now I'm at the transition house again. From here, I'm going to live with my sister. I am not giving up Ana...but I'm scared of my future and I'm terrified of my current situation. Most days I feel confused and not really sure I wanna be alive. I wish I knew what to do and where to go from here. But I'm trapped in an illness that seems to consume me and I keep asking am I ever gonna get out. All I hope for right now is to get through the end of this year. I honestly dunno if I will. A part of me wants to beg for help, but this other part of me keeps doing everything to tear me apart. Not sure it'll ever end. Hopefully, Ana will bring me some sort of peace.

Ended up in hospital...

Felt suicidal, because I'm a worthless piece of shit. I can't keep up. I need to work out more and eat less. Food is sickening. Calories mean more fat. Disgusting. Not working out means fat sitting of my thighs and hips and stomach. Gross. Food is the center of my hell! However there's a few other things causing me to wanna end my life. I'm afraid that I'm gonna lose the last person I really trust. I don't trust very many people because every one seems to not want me around. I don't blame them; I'm a stupid, ugly bitch. I'm tired of losing people, but maybe I deserve to be alone. Maybe a higher power (Ana, God, or whoever) wants me to be miserable. I was a mistake and they need me to get rid of myself to save their ass. I wish so badly I'd die. A few days in the hospital and I still feel completely depressed and alone. Once again, I did avoid giving Ana up, however, I think it may be time. I wanna lose weight; I wanna be good enough. But I realize I need help. I'm scared to let go of Ana and end up feeling more alone. I'm scared I'll gain weight and become uglier and more worthless. My biggest fear is I'm better off destroying myself, because no body can help me.

I hate myself

I hate how fat and ugly I am. I hate not being good enough. I just want some one to care about me, but they never will. No matter how small or skinny I am, no one will ever give a damn about me. I try so hard to be pretty, to be good enough. But they all want me gone. No body wants me alive. My parents have been waiting for months for me to kill myself. My siblings, my friends, my therapist want me out of their life. The county's therapist and doctor don't want me. They just see me as an untreatable mental case. The woman that I have been living with is sick and I've been nothing but a burden on her. I don't want her life to be this way. I don't wanna burden any one else. I'm done trying to be skinny, to be perfect- I just wanna die.

Have to lose weight

I gotta lose weight. I gotta stop eating. I gotta work out more. No more taking the bus or getting rides. I needa walk everywhere and anywhere. I'm so fat and I can't stand it. I gotta focus on not eating and I needa stop sitting on my ass. Instead of sitting on my ass while I watch tv, I'm gonna work out.