Day 3 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

Day 3 and I was scared to weigh myself. I feel fat. I look fat. I don't wanna know how much I weigh. I feel so gross. To top it off, I pushed myself to go to school and it wasn't the greatest day ever. It was far from it. I felt lost and overwhelmed. During my lunch break, I received an email stating that I got dropped from one of my classes because I missed it too many times. And I failing my other classes, so I felt like it was a waste being there. I really just felt overwhelmed and disappointed and self-hatred. I started to shut down. I couldn't even comprehend what was being said in the 3 hour lecture after lunch. Then I had therapy. It went ok, I guess. It's therapy- a waste of time that I'm required to participate in, or show up for. Now, I have a headache and just wanna curl up in a ball and cry.

My diet went well. I had watermelon, some squash and tomatoes, and tea. Its easy to diet when you feel like complete shit.

Day 2 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

It was a hard day today. I pretty much drowned in my depression. I took laxatives yesterday, and they did not quite do what I wanted them to. I was in so much pain today. My stomach hurt everytime I moved or breathed. I laid, curled up in a ball, most of the day. I got up at one point and took about 20 more laxatives, which I threw up about 30 minutes later. I feel miserable and fat. I ate way too much yesterday, this weekend, today- everyday. I'm up to 86 lbs- So Gross! I texted someone telling them that things are becoming unmanageable and they asked if I would go to the Chapel Hill ED Center. I'm too fat for treatment. I'm too fat to get help. Am I even really sick? I eat so much and I've gained like 4 lbs in the past week! I hate myself so much!

Anyways, today, because I felt so sick, I didn't eat until this evening. I ate a cup of miso soup, half of a salad, and I've drank like 2 or 3 diet cokes today.

Day 1 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

Today was my first official day on a new diet that I created. The diet gets more and more restrictive each week. This is an overview of each week:

Week 1: Each day, I’m allowed to eat as much fruit and vegetables as I want, 1 cup of miso soup, and 1 Ensure. I’m also allowed to drink 0 calorie drinks.

Week 2: Each day, I’m allowed to have 1 Ensure and 1 Green Smoothie. I’m also allowed to drink 0 calorie drinks.

Week 3: Each day, I’m allowed to have 2 Ensures. I’m also allowed to drink 0 calorie drinks.

Week 4: Each day, I’m allowed to have 1 Ensure. I’m also allowed to drink 0 calorie drinks.

Week 5: Each day, I’m allowed ½ of an Ensure. I’m also allowed to drink 0 calorie drinks.

Week 6: I am only allowed 0 calorie drinks.

I’m hoping to lose 10 lbs on this diet. I’m starting at 85 lbs and want to get down to 75 lbs by the end of the 6 weeks. The first day went pretty good. I ate pineapple and a diet coke for breakfast, had an ensure for lunch, had seaweed and a diet coke for an afternoon snack, and finished the day with some steamed broccoli and cauliflower for dinner. Now, I’m relaxing and finishing up hw. I have school, tomorrow and my first test for the semester. I’m really nervous about it, because I don’t think I’ll do well. I’m really struggling in school, right now. Actually, I’m struggling in everything, but school and work not going well really bothers. I take them more seriously and feel like if I screw up school or work, I’d be in a lot worse situation, than if a friend decides they don’t like me anymore. I can always make new friends, or become a crazy cat lady. But finding a new job would be hard and flunking out of the vet tech program would destroy me. I’m currently preparing to be destroyed…

Rapidly Tumbling Downhill

It's been an awful couple of days. I just keep feeling worse. I'm eating way too much- taking way too many laxatives. Feeling guilty, fat, and miserable. But I just can't stand to be around people anymore. Work was awful, these past few days. We were so busy and so crowded and it took everything I have to not hurt someone. Every customer that came through my line just seemed to get deeper and deeper under my skin. And I just felt like I was gonna explode. Friday night, I kinda did explode on my bf. I was just so frustrated and his response just hurt me. Everytime I get upset, he makes sure I feel like the most invalidated person on Earth. He doesn't think I have any right to feel beaten down and tired after working extra hours on the busiest day at work. He doesn't think "it's fair to my friends for me to not wanna hang out with them" when I feel like complete shit and have nothing left in me to be nice. Oh and my favorite thing he said was a sarcastic remark about how "everything's about me". Nothing's ever about me! And I'm so tired of my feelings and my struggles not mattering. For goodness sake, I go to effing pro-ana sites for understanding and comfort, because my own friends and family seem to not care about how hard of a time I'm having. And how by being an asshole to me, am I gonna wanna hang out with you or anyone? I think I'm just giving up on people in the real world and having friends on the internet. I don't even wanna try to be nice anymore. I don't wanna try to explain myself. I don't wanna try at all.

Congratulations Society! You have lost me to my illness!

Completely Fine...Right

I'm trying to tell myself and the world that I'm fine. I'm trying to be fine. I'm trying to hold it together for my brother who's moving down here in the nest couple of weeks, for my newborn nephew, for my sister, for my bf, for everyone. I'm trying to push myself to stay in school and focus on lectures and do my homework. I'm trying really, really hard to be nice to customers at work and hold a happy face. I'm trying so hard to reassure my adoptive parents that I'm gonna get through this without help. I'm trying my best to get by and to not completely breakdown and fall to pieces, because I know I need to be strong.

But I don't feel strong. I don't feel like I have it together. My mind is constantly racing and twisting and struggling over one thing or another. And most of the time, it has to do with food or weight. What I ate yesterday. Why did I have to eat that? What am I gonna eat today? How many calories? How much do weigh? I weighed this much earlier, but I've eaten since then...And it goes on and on and on... I feel so trapped and so overwhelmed. All I wanna do is focus on blood smears and parasites and the various medications prescribed to animals, but all I can think about is what if they commit me today. What if I have to medically withdraw? What if I can't get back into the program next spring? What if I never finish school? Am I gonna be stuck in this cycle forever?

I thought I was holding it together. But I missed all my classes yesterday due to depression and anxiety. I missed work once in the past week due to going to the stupid ER and once because I was just too apathetic to go. And the worst part is I feel so guilty, but if I had gone, would it of made a difference. I would of been a total a**hole at work, like I was on Sunday. And yesterday, would I of been able to accomplish any of my work? Would I of been able to take good enough notes? Does it matter? Am I even going to be able to finish this semester? Just everything; it sucks right now. I feel so hopeless.

Last week, I was asked if I could admit that my ED was out of control. I said that I didn't think it was. Ask me now, and I'll tell you, "Everything's out of control."

What the Doc says and the waste of time in the ER

So first, the results of the doctor appointment. It went fine. The blood work all came back normal, which meant they couldn't commit me. Yay- or so I thought. They told me they want to continue to monitor my weight and blood work weekly, and they want me to start meeting with a therapist twice a week. I dunno how I'm supposed to have time for all of that with school and work. They already have me scheduled for an appointment during one of my classes. Not planning on going.

Now, fast-forward to today. I got up, went to get my blood drawn, and started an ensure. I went to my support program and immediately got bombarded. One of the staff members pulled me into a private room to discuss how I was a "danger to myself and others." I listened and understand her point of view. She thinks that because I'm not eating enough, I could pass out while driving and kill someone. First off, I'm eating plenty, or I wouldn't be alive. Secondly, I'm not going to pass out. Lastly, if I felt unsafe to drive, I wouldn't get in the car. But she was threatening to commit me, so I volunteered to go admit myself into the hospital. I went to the psych hospital admissions office and did an assessment. The results of the assessment- I don't meet the criteria to be hospitalized. Imagine that. Exactly what the doctor told me two days ago. They did, however, want me to go to the ER and get medically cleared. So I sat in the ER, all f***ing afternoon to be told I'm fine. What a waste of time?! I could have told you all this morning that I was medically, mentally and in every other way fine!

Now, the support program and my friends all want me to admit myself into an ED treatment program. Like, no. Did you not hear the doctors?? I'm not sick. I'm fine.

Doctor Appointments

I'm normally nervous about doctor appointments. They worry me for all sorts of reasons. But lately it's been because I know my weight is getting lower and I dunno what their protocol is. I'm scared they'll try to hospitalize me if my bloodwork is off; they took blood last week and all the results should be in today. I had an appointment yesterday to check the results and my weight. But they want me to come back today for the rest of the results and to decide how to approach the couple of pounds I've lost since last week. They think I'm losing so much weight, but I still feel so fat and everytime I eat, I feel like I gain 10 lbs.

Other than my nervousness about my appointment, I'm doing so-so. I started spring semester, this week. It's overwhelming right now and I'm already struggling to pay attention in class. My thoughts are elsewhere, but I'm still trying. I've been struggling a lot with urges to self-harm, but haven't acted on them. The doc doesn't need anymore reason to put me in a hospital. I've been fighting those thoughts the best I can and pushing them as deep down as I can. I haven't told anyone til now that I've been having them. I just don't wanna talk about the logic behind it all or the reasoning for feeling the way I do. Or why I must lose weight. I just don't wanna talk about these things. Or maybe I'm scared to talk about these things. I dunno.

That's where I am today. I'll try to update on how the doctor appointment goes.

So it's true...

So it's true. I have relapsed with my ED. I have lost some weight and am continuing to lose weight. Am I planning on getting better? I dunno. It's hard for me to say. I feel like I wanna continue to lose weight, even though I know it's bad for me. Right now, I'm at a 16 BMI and would like to be at a 13 BMI. I logically realize how low that is and I realize that it's not healthy and medically not sustainable. But my ED mind tells me that I can get by with a 13 BMI; it says I could probably get by with a lower BMI.

So I haven't blogged in a long time. And I dunno if now is the right time to start blogging again, but this is where I am. I'm struggling with restricting, b/p-ing (binging and purging), and laxative use. I'll try to keep you up to date with where I am and how I'm doing- whether it be losing more weight or going into recovery. But as of right now, it looks like I'm gonna continue down the road I'm on.

My Birthday WIsh

Today I turn 22 years old. I started out about a week or two ago telling everyone my birthday was coming up. I planned a get-together with some friends and I tried to be excited for it. However, I was really nervous about; for some reason, I gett all nervous and stressed out about my birthday. One year, I shut down, annd didn't wanna celebrate it at all. Another year I cried for pretty much the whole month of may. There were a couple of year I planned to die before my birthday. But this year, I didn't plan my death, and I didn't completely shut down. I planned to celebrate, despite the anxiety that was rattling around in my mind. I don't know why I get anxious and upset around my birthday- well, I have a few ideas I miss my mom, a lot. It was the ninth anniversary of her death this past Monday. It's hard not having a Mom to call whenever I want and cry to when I need help with life's problems. Its hard to miss those moments that you cann only share with a Mom. The ones when you heart is warmed and you are calmed by your mother's wise advice. I want someone to help guide me, and that's what a Mom does. The incredible thing is I had my adoptive mom, and sometimes I wish I could still just call her everyday, or whenever I want to just say hi or to ask for advice. I tried it last weekend. ANd it was nice talking to her. She advised me on some facial products, how to care for my sick cat, and we even talked about church. It was one of those moments that I feel is often missing from my life. After I got off the phone, I felt so blessed and grateful to have my mama, but the next day, I missed her and wished I could just be close to her again.. So, m birthday wish- I know you're not supposed to tell, but I donn't care- I just wanna visit with my family. My adoptive mom and dad and brothers, as well as my biological brothers. I just wanna see them and know that they are still there. Such a silly wish to have. But it means a lot to me to have family, even though mine's pretty complicated...

Enjoy the Small Moments

So it's kind of a rough week. I started my new job, which can be stressful. But I'm trying to stay positive and enjoy each moment. I also have been staying involved in the clubhouse and trying to participate in activities, despite some discouragement. But the most exciting and wonderful moment of this week was with my sister. We went to a local university to eat dinner by the lake. It was so nice out and I loved being surrounded by the beauty. We saw a big fish swimming in the water, and the baby ducks! I also got to relax in my sister's hammock. Moments like that remind me to just take a break and appreciate all the beauty in the world. It also gave me something to think about when I got really stressed out at work.

I have had some rough moments this week with my eating disorder and self-inury tendencies, but with the encouragement I've gotten from my friends and my sister have really helped me to push through the tough moments to get to the good ones. I've never really considered myself lucky, or fortunate, but I am. I am lucky to have so many people who care about me and are there for me. I have a fortune of opportunities and friends who are there for me. Its hard to see sometimes, so I really wanna try to encourage everyone to just think of one moment this week when you laughed uncontrollably with a friend, or randomly started dancing, or saw a beautiful scene, or got to enjoy a little bit of sun, or anything that just made you smile, or laugh.