Day 13 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

Sorry, I didn't post last night. I was just way too tired!! I did good on my modified diet. But I did have some blueberries with my morning tea. And I had coffee instead of tea in the afternoon. I didn't finish the coffee though; I felt so sick yesterday. I had my ensure during my lunch break at work and I ate some chicken soup for dinner, because of how sick I felt.

Yesterday morning, I also started to pack for the ED clinic. I started gathering all my clothes and stuff I think I'll need or want. I'm super anxious about going and dunno what to take. I dunno what's allowed and what's not allowed. I'm trying to get an idea based on others' experiences in ED clinics, but I dunno. I'm trying to pack what I think is appropriate and hopefully it is. Well, I'm gonna go make some tea and start my day.

Day 12 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

I failed, again. I ate a salad with chicken and blue cheese dressing for dinner- disgusting and fattening. I just can't help it; I get these craving and just feel like I have to fulfill them. So, anyways, as I mentioned yesterday I have a week before I'm sent to treatment. A week from tomorrow. I'm feeling nervous and kinda stressed about it. And wanna back out, already. My bf says he'll drive me there- it's 4.5 hours away. I've never been so conflicted and nervous and stressed and insecure and unsure about something in my life. Okay, maybe I have. But what if this just makes me spiral farther out of control or develop a worse problem or causes my suicidal thoughts to worsen. I won't have my brother or sister or friends to turn to. I'll be with a bunch of strangers far away from home in an unfamiliar place. I won't have my cat there to remind me of everything I care about and want in life. I'm so nervous. What if I get there and they decide I'm not sick enough for treatment and send me away? I wasted all that gas money and all that time for nothing. So many things to think and worry about.

Anyways, one week to break 80 lbs. And struggling to follow any sort of diet, because I suck at life and everything I do. I'm so fat and gross. For the next week, I need to follow this diet plan:

Breakfast: Tea- No sweetener
Lunch- Ensure or Green Smoothie- Not to exceed 250 Calories
Mid-Afternoon- Tea- No sweetener
Dinner- Salad or Soup- Not to exceed 250 Calories
After Dinner- Tea- No sweetener

I can do this diet. I know I can. I got this. Just gotta stay focus on the goal and can't give into cravings!

Day 11 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

I suck at life and feel like giving up. I just I binged and purged again tonight, because I'm disgusting and fat. I didn't take enough laxatives- I dunno how much is enough. I gotta get day 12 right or its gonna be time to rethink this whole diet. I'm gonna have to make adjustments and figure out how to keep me on track. I really think I can do it. I'm just such a fat ass, I get distracted from my ultimate goal so easily. But I got told earlier that the ED clinic has a bed available next week, which gives me only a week to get below 80 lbs. I would basically have to fast, in order to get there. And I know I wouldn't be able to fast with my track record, so looks like I'm just gonna have to stick to my diet.

Day 10 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

I feel like a failure. I feel hopeless. I feel like I can't do anything right. I withdrew from school- aka dropped out of my classes and am now sitting on my ass all day thinking about everything else that stresses me out. I wanna lose weight and I wanna feel my bones protruding from under my skin, but all I do is keep eating. I can't say no to a single craving, because I'm 85 lbs of disgusting fat. I need to stick to my diet tomorrow- I say that every effing day and then the next day, I fail. How do I do it? How do I get on track and stay on track? Please if anybody has advice, comment below, or email me at fatstrawberrygashes@gmail.com

Like I'm seriously desperate and dunno what to do. I need someone to hold me accountable or encourage me or something. I know I can do this. I've done it before. I'm just now in a binge/purge phase and so badly wanna go back to restricting. I like restricting; I like feeling in control and losing weight and getting smaller and smaller- like I'm slowly disappearing. Is it so much to ask to be smaller and thinner?

Day 9 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

This week is gonna be a lot harder than I thought I did not stick to my diet at all diet. I could have, but gave into every craving I had. Sometimes, I'm convinced I don't have an ED at all. It doesn't matter what the docs and social workers say. I eat like I don't. I take laxatives and purge like I have bulimia. I attempt to restrict and sometimes, successfully restrict like I have Ana. I dunno. Right now, I feel like this disorder's not a reality in my life. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Its hard because I didn't have school and felt directionless all day. Tomorrow, I have plans and will follow through with my plan. I am gonna switch out the ensure for a goat yogurt. I bought one today at this little local shop and I'm super excited about it. But I still plan to have the smoothie in the evening. And lots of tea! I can do this; I know I can. I got below 90 and I'm down to 85. I can get below 80!

Day 8 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

It was a very stressful day and I had a migraine, which is why I haven't blogged til now. I had bloodwork in the morning; my thyroid levels were high on the last test and they want me to come back to be checked out and discuss treatment. I was then late to class and missed most of my lecture this morning and what I was there for, I struggled to follow and it ended pretty quick after I arrived. Then, I had a test and failed. I talked to my teacher at the end of the lunch break and we both agreed I needed to withdraw and get back on my feet. I then went to the disability counselor to let her know what was happening and she helped me fill out paperwork to withdraw. Oh, I also spoke to my caseworker who is trying to encourage me to go to an ED Clinic. The clinic won't accept me unless I go off my migraine medication, because the medication is an appetite suppressant and causes weightloss. So, she wants me to talk to my doctor today when I see her about my thyroid. Of course she tells me that the day I have a migraine- makes me less willing to wanna go off it. I miss one dose and I can bare stand up straight, I'm throwing up, and the only thing keeping me from OD-ing is my brother being here. That brings us to what my diet looked like today. I started the day with a cup of mint tea. I had an ensure this afternoon. When I got home this even and took some excedrine for my migraine, I ate half an avocado, which I then threw up. No smoothie. No dinner. I couldn't bare to eat anything else. Not too bad for my first day of week 2.

Day 7 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

Today went okay. I ate a lot. I started the day with a cup of tea. Then had a grapefruit before work. While I was at work, I drank an ensure. After work, I had some seaweed and strawberries. Then, I watched church online, because I didn't wanna go by myself and the bf is ignoring my calls/texts. I even knocked on his door and got no answer. Whatever. I can't deal with all the friend drama that's going around lately. After church, I ate a salad and I just finished some mixed veggies with cauliflower rice. I guess I'm anxious about tomorrow. I know I'm not gonna be able to eat anything, so I'm eating everything today. I'm also anxious about my test tomorrow. I thought I didn't have a test til Tuesday; apparently, I have a test tomorrow and Tuesday. Ugh. Also, my brother stopped at a friend's for the night and is gonna finish the drive here tomorrow. So, tomorrow, he'll be here. My apartment is pretty much ready for him. I should do a few finishing touches, but I'm so tired. SO much anxiety makes me so exhausted.

Oh, also, my plan for how I'm gonna survive week 2 of my diet. Step 1: stay busy. Go to school. Go to work. Go to appointments. Stay as busy as possible and distracted. Step 2: fill up on tea. Every chance I get, I'm gonna make a cup of tea to sip on. That way I can keep my stomach full. Step 3: Stay focused on my goals. I'm gonna do my best to stay focused on what my end goal is and remind myself of that every chance I get. Step 4: Create a routine and stick to it. If I create a routine this week, I can follow it next week and just switch my smoothie for an ensure. I think I can do this!

Day 6 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

My plan failed me today. I went to a tea party and snacked on the various snacks that were there. Because I had already failed my diet and my bf had disappointed me when I got home, I lost control and binged and purged. I feel like such a failure. I also took laxatives to help move whatevers in me along. It upsets me everytime I do this, yet I keep doing it. I'm nervous about this coming week's diet restrictions. Starting Monday, I am only allowed a green smoothie and an ensure each day, as well as calorie-free drinks. It's time to start coming up with a plan to get use to eating less. I'll be working on that between now and tomorrow's blog and will let you know what I come up with.

For now, I need a plan for tomorrow.

Breakfast: Grapefruit
Lunch to-go: Ensure
Work from 11 until 3:15
After work, I need to go to Walmart, work on my apartment application, and study for my test on Tuesday
Dinner: Mixed Veggies with Cauliflower Rice and Miso Soup
My brother should also be arriving tomorrow, so I dunno if he'll get here before or after dinner. That'll be a challenge in itself. If we eat dinner together, hopefully I can cook it. But if not, I dunno what I'll eat or how I'm gonna be able to stick to my diet.

Day 5 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

I am getting to the point where I just don't wanna deal with people anymore. Friends suck almost as much as customers at the grocery store I work at. I just can't take any more comments from customers about how tired or sick I look. And I'm really tired of my friends or so-called friends even talking to me anymore. I live in a small apartment complex owned by the people I receive most of my support from. So all of my friends- or most of them live here too. When I get home from a long day of work or school, they are waiting for me to hang out. So I don't get a chance to come home and have a few minutes to myself, or shower after staring at blood and feces under a microscope all day, or have time to recharge. And the little time I do get to myself, I have my friend texting me, "Where are you?" "What are you doing today?" "Can you come over?" "Why aren't you answering me?" "Do you still want the bedframe?" "Are you mad at me?" "If you don't text me back, I'm throwing out the bedframe." JUST THROW OUT THE EFFING BEDFRAME AND LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE. Then she text my personal favorite. By the way, if you're friend has a mental illness of any sort and is struggling, don't be a bitch and text this- its a sure way to lose a friend! "I know you have split personality and I'm sure its hard, but its hard on the people who care about you." One- I'll show you effing split personality, because when I'm done with you, you're gonna be left with so many personalities, you won't know what to do with yourself. I do not have Multiple Personality Disorder, if that's what you're trying to get at. Trust me. I wish did; I'd get away with a whole lot more. Second- You have no effing idea how hard dealing with my issues is, so you might as well shut the f*** up. And lastly, I'm sure it is hard on the people who care about me, but you obviously don't, so you can go screw yourself!

Another tip for you guys, don't piss someone off who's restricting and taking laxatives. We happen to be slightly hangry. And I happen to be slightly "emotionally unstable". But pointing that out to me is also a bad idea if you wanna keep your face. Like why can't everyone be like my mom and my sister and be incredibly understanding and supportive while I'm struggling with my ED and depression? My mom and my sister are just happy I'm being honest that I'm struggling and am working it out in therapy and possibly going to treatment. They don't use treatment against me and make me feel like shit for being alive or for wanting help. I just I hate having "friends"!

On the brighter, I stuck to my diet on day 5. I got up in the morning and ate some cantaloupe. Then a little later, I had an Ensure. While I was at work, I sipped on Peppermint tea. After work, I sipped on a diet coke. Then for dinner, I had some miso soup and some lightly seasoned fajita veggies. And I ended the day with some Jasmine tea, which put me right to sleep. Til I woke up to blog about how upset I was about contact with other humans.

My plan for day 6: I have some kiwifruit for breakfast. I'm gonna finish cleaning my apartment in the morning, maybe? I might run to Trader Joe's to get stuff to make smoothies this upcoming week. Then I'll have an ensure for lunch, which I'll probably drink at work. After work, I have a tea party to go to- I'll be late to it, so I may have a cup of tea, but I'll probably due without food. Then, depending on whether my brother is in town or not, I'll come home and eat miso soup and mixed veggies with cauliflower rice. Then I'll have a cup of tea, while I clean my apartment. If my brother's in town, I'll probably go over to my sister's, in which case I'll try to eat small amounts saying I already ate at the tea party. I can't believe my brother will be here in the next 48 hours!!

Day 4 of my Progressively More Restrictive Diet

It was tough today and I gave into craving for junk food. I felt awful and guilty all afternoon. I wanted to OD; I haven't. Well, ok, I took a handful of laxatives. But I didn't OD on anything to kill myself or actually harm myself. I dunno why today was so hard. I ate next to nothing the past 2 days; I should of been doing good. I didn't feel particularly upbeat today. I felt like shit. I was still upset about the school situation. Frustrated with my weight gain. Anxious about apartment stuff. Agitated with customers. Nervous about decisions I'm trying to make. Overwhelmed with all these emotions and things going on. Its just too much sometimes. Tomorrow, I'll do better with the diet. I have a plan. I already have vegetables ready to eat for dinner. I have fruit ready for breakfast; I'm going to bed a little later so I won't wake up super early. And I have an Ensure ready to take with me for lunch tomorrow. I'm gonna work on my apartment application in the morning. Go to work in the afternoon. Clean my apartment tomorrow evening- my brother will be in town on Saturday!! And then before bed, I'll come up with a plan for Saturday and post my blog. I can get to my goal, right?