If I'm not thin, I'm not attractive.

I know plenty of people who aren’t thin, but still attractive. However, when I look in the mirror and see all the fat glued to my bones, it terrifies me. I don’t want it there, whether I’m trying to recover or not. I don’t wanna wake up in the morning and have to drag an overly heavy body out of bed. I don’t wanna walk by people and brush against them, because I’m too fat to fit. I don’t want my future husband to be disgusted by my rolls of fat. I don’t want my friends to say, “Ally’s just let herself go.”

I wanna look at myself and like what I see. And I can’t do the unless I’m underweight and thin. When I’m nothing but bones, I’ll feel good about myself and see beauty when I look in the mirror. I want that more than anything. I have a plan to lose weight and if I follow it, I’ll succeed.

First, I have a certain number of calories for each day over the next month. Second, I have a plan to start running. For the next week, I’m gonna go for a walk, each day. Then I’ll add in three days of running. Eventually, I’ll run 6 days a week. And finally, I have a reward system. For every 5 lbs I lose, I get to purchase something. The first reward is a puzzle. I can do this!!

Worries...

I am so nervous about Friday night. That's my parents date night. I asked 2 different friends if they were available to come over, but one's gonna be out of town and the other just can't do it. I dunno what I'm gonna do. I don't think my brothers will listen to me, especially the youngest. And I'm afraid of being left home alone. My therapist and I talked about practicing being home alone, but I don't think I'm ready. All I've been thinking about the past couple of days is cutting and OD-ing. I don't wanna screw up, but I sort of do. I know that makes no sense. I haven't talked to my mom about it; I'm too nervous. I don't even know how to start the conversation.

Then there's this family visit happening in 2 weeks. I'm so nervous about having more people in the house. My sister was one thing, but this is my mom's family and i feel like they don't consider me a part of the family. Which I guess I'm not biologically. But my parents did adopt me, so legally I am. It's just awkward feeling like I'm intruding on family time. Maybe I'll stay locked up in my room the whole visit. With all the anxiety I feel right now, maybe I'll stay locked up forever.

I just did my worry time and the timer went off, so I need to stop worrying. But it's so hard. My therapist is gonna be out of town the next few days too. I dunno how I'm gonna get by without being able to contact her. When did life get so tough?

July 25

This past weekend, my sister and her family came to visit. The visit was pretty good. I learned my sister needed me to talk to her and be there for her more. And she learned its hard for me to speak up and interact when there's a lot of people around and a lot of commotion. And there was a lot going on this weekend. My extroverted 8 year old brother was stealing the spotlight. He talks so much and my sister's husband is fairly extrovert; so they got along great. It was impossible for me to get any words in.

So Saturday, my sister and I went to Barnes and Noble. It was nice. I found some awesome journals and a really hard puzzle- all of it was 50% off!! Good bargain shopping! Then we sat down for some tea and cookies. I actually allowed myself to eat a cookie! I allowed myself to eat a lot this weekend. I feel like I've gained a hundred pounds. Anyways, on Sunday, my sister and I had lunch together, just us and her baby. I love spending time with her- just one-on-one time. I miss her already.

Anyways, today I had therapy. Normally, its on Thursdays, but my therapist is gonna be out of town this Thursday. We talked about picking one time a day to mindfully worry. The rest of the day put my worries away. I dunno how well its gonna work, but I'm trying. We also talked about practicing staying home alone. My parents don't leave me home alone, because I OD-ed last time. I understand their concerns. I'm nervous about staying home alone, but I'm an adult and someday, I'm gonna be living independently again; I need to practice independence skills.

My mom also wants a friend to come stay with me on Friday, while her and my dad are on a date. I'm nervous about asking anyone. But I'm trying to get past that fear and just ask. We'll be babysitting my brothers and putting them to bed. After that we're free to watch a movie or play a game or puzzle. How do I ask someone to come over without being awkward? I feel so awkward around my new friends as it is. I'm not supposed to be worrying right now. So we'll just put it on a shelf and save it for later.

How do I break free?

It's been okay the past couple of days. Still feel like I'm eating too much. And I've been sticking my fingers down my throat so much that I now have sores on my knuckles. Oh the joys of Ana. I'm struggling to maintain a stable mood and am struggling to keep up with my DBT assignments this week. My therapist is not gonna be happy with me. Its just so hard to care when everything feels like shit.

Last night, I went out with a friend. I told my mom I ate dinner with her. I said we went to Chick-fil-a. I feel terrible for lying. I didn't eat dinner. I ate some candy- which I also feel guilty for. I'm such a fat ass. A lying fat ass. I dunno why I lied. I feel like Ana's got a hold of me and I can't break free. It's like I'm in a jail cell. My brothers and I play a game, where they lock me in jail. I'm never sure why I'm going to jail, but I follow their lead and cry to be freed. That's what it feels like with Ana. I just wanna break free. I cry for her to let me go and it feels like she puts me in isolation.

What do I do? How do I break free? How do I break these chains that hold me down? How? What do I have to do to break free and live a happy healthy life? Is there even such thing?

Attachment? Abandonment?

The first two days of my plan have been alright. I ate too much today, but theres always tomorrow. Today was alright. We went grocery shopping. My mom had the list and we got stuff without me panicking. There are times when I'm standing in the store that I just wanna curl up in a ball and hide. The decisions are so hard to make. Glad my mom's here to help ease that anxiety. My little brothers are both refusing to eat dinner tonight. Its a fight with them most nights. I try to be a good example and eat my dinner. Of course, I generally purge dinner. But they don't need to know that.

Oh, tomorrow's gonna be pretty exciting. Me and a friend are gonna go see a movie! Its around dinner time, so I'll probably catch dinner with her. Hopefully, I don't have to eat too much. Its hard for me to relate to other people, but I'm trying really hard to make friends here. Even if they're just temporary friends. They could last as my friends, but its not likely. I feel like I burn through friends faster than I burn through therapist. No one ever sticks around long, and if theres a chance they will, it seems like i move several states over. Maybe I fear attachment as much as I fear abandonment.

Speaking of attachment and abandonment, I'm nervous about this whole therapy thing. I wanna grow more trust with her. From what I can see, she's good at her job and knows what she's talking about, but I'm scared if I open up to her, she'll leave or quit on me. I don't wanna lose another therapist I've grown attached to. I don't think I'm as attached to her as I was to my old therapist that quit on me. But I dunno if I wanna get that attached, ever- to anyone. Yet, I complain about feeling lonely.

New Plan

Okay, so maybe I wasn't ready to do the 2468 diet. Between cravings and trying not to make it obvious that I'm struggling with Ana, I just completely failed. I'm disappointed in myself, but I have a new plan. I'm gonna start this week at eating 800 Calories or less and running/swimming 2 times. From there, I'll subtract 50 calories each week and add an exercise time. I think I'll do alright with this. Once I get down to 450 calories, I'll stop subtracting calories and maintain by eating that amount each day. It should be easier to slowly subtract calories. Hopefully, I can get down to 70 lbs around early September.

400 Calories

Yesterday was okay, but I gave into my craving for cheetos, so I ate well over 400 calories. Today, I'm gonna do 400 again. I've already had a salad; the dressing was 130 calories. I'll just eat nothing else until dinner and try to eat something small for dinner. I don't think my parents have noticed anything off, yet. I'm sure they'll catch on pretty quickly. They're both very intelligent and my mom is very aware of changes in my routine.

I got my piercings last night, which was f***ing awesome! They're a little sore today, but I'm so excited about them! I remember when I was in hospital as a teenager, there was a girl who had a ton piercings. She had done them herself, as a way of self-harm. I can cut, but I dunno that I'd ever be able to pierce my cartilage by myself. I would need someone else to do it for me. I've thought about giving myself piercings, but i don't wanna mess it up or have it get infected.

On our way home from the piercing place, my mom talked to me about my parents next date night. Seeing I OD-ed last time, she feels like I might do it again and wants me to ask for a friend to come over to hang out with me. She wants some one to basically baby sit me. I understand why, but I don't wanna ask my friends, especially when I barely know them, to come over and baby sit me and my brothers, while my parents are out. That seems so awkward!

2468 Diet Started Yesterday

I meant to blog last night, but I had a migraine. I have so much to say, so this might get long. First let's talk about my diet. I am doing 2468 diet. I started yesterday, but I ate a little over 200 calories. I had cajun chicken and rice. I need to work on excuses to not eat dinner with my family. I tried to purge afterwards, but barely anything came up. I'm doing better today. All I've eaten is celery with peanut butter. I decided I'm not gonna count the calories of raw fruit and vegetables. So today I've had 210 calories in peanut butter. I'm gonna have to eat dinner, so I'll need to figure out the calories in whatever I decide to eat. It's leftovers night.

Now, to talking about my day, yesterday. It sucked! I had 4 appointments back to back. On top of the migraine. My first appointment was with my DBT therapist. I'm struggling to trust her with my insecurities and fears. I know I need to, if I ever wanna get past this shit. But it's hard. I wanna talk to her and be honest. But I feel so stuck and I dunno. Anyways, after that I went to the mental health clinic to get an EKG. They said something about it was abnormal and seemed concerned, but nothing looks abnormal. Maybe I don't now how to read it, but i get the basics and I don't think anythings wrong. It was probably reading my tremors.

After the EKG, I had to meet with my psychiatrist. The guy's an idiot. But maybe he's right. He told me to watch my weight- that I didn't wanna gain too much. Challenge accepted, doc! I will not gain too much weight. In fact, I'll see how much I can lose! Will that satisfy you?? It just really upset me. Because I know I think I'm fat, but I've never had a doctor or someone who's supposed to know what they're talking about tell I'm getting fat. I wish I could cut all the fat off and leave it on his doorstep. I know; I'm such a borderline.

After I met with the doc, I had to meet with my caseworker. I don't get it. I was switched to her so I wouldn't have to go as often and she's like lets meet every 2 weeks. I'm like I have a f***ing therapist already and she actually knows how to treat my illness, unlike you idiots!! I'm so pissed; I don't even wanna go back. I know I'm gonna have to, in order to stay on my meds. Maybe I'll stop taking them. I haven't even taken them today, now that I'm thinking about it. Oh well.

Right when I thought I was getting out of my funk from last week's therapy session, I get jerked back down. I feel like its never gonna end and I'm trying so hard to hold it together. But I feel like I'm starting to spiral and I can't catch a breather. And the people who are supposed to be helping me are only making it worse.

On the bright side, I'm getting some sweet piercing this weekend. I'm getting my daith piercings in both ears. It's supposed to be a trigger point and will help alleviate migraines! I'm excited; I've been wanting to get this piercing for awhile and my mom met some guys in the waiting room yesterday that had it done and they said it really worked. So at least, I have something to look forward to.

July 13

How do people live without cutting? I've been cutting for so long, I can't see life without it. I need it to survive. I wanna cut so badly right now. I'm supposed to be going out with a friend in a little bit, so its not really an ideal time to cut. Plus my mom has my scissors. I purged a few minutes ago. Every time I purge, I have this strong urge to cut. I dunno why. But I'm hanging over the toilet with stuff dripping down my face and all I wanna do sit against the wall and watch a cut bleed. I wish I had my scissors. My therapist talks about a life worth living, and says someday, I'll have it. I don't have much faith that I will.

I decided I will start counting calories. I'm just trying to settle on a number of calories. Or if I'm gonna do a different number every day. Or maybe I'll try the 2468 diet. I dunno. Today I've already fucked up, so tomorrow will be my first day of counting. I was gonna make up my own diet with a different number of calories each day, but now, I'm kinda leaning towards the 2468 diet.

Friends here. gotta go.

To listen or Not listen to Ana

I'm really struggling to manage my emotions. I'm on a roller coaster of anger, fear, betrayal and hurt. I can't figure out how to stabilize myself. On the outside I seem perfectly fine. I'm engaged in family activities and helping out around the house and taking care of my kitty. But on the inside, I have so much going on. I'm afraid if I let any of it out, I'll lose my family again. I don't wanna lose them, but if I don't get a grip on this soon, I will. I can't deal with that again. I will fall apart and have nowhere to go. No one to turn to. That scares the shit out of me.

I'm trying to be open and honest with my therapist. I want to trust her, but I'm afraid to. I wanna put up on my walls and defenses to protect myself from getting hurt again. I told her I wouldn't kill myself as long as I'm in treatment with her and that I would talk to her if I was thinking about quitting treatment. I'm not suicidal and I don't wanna give up on treatment. But I wanna know I can trust everyone involved in my treatment.

As far as Ana goes, lately she's been whispering in my ear nonstop. I'm slipping back and may start counting calories again. I know I shouldn't, but I'm struggling to not think about my weight. I currently weigh 99 lbs; that's 18.7 BMI. Its not too terrible. It could be on the higher end of "healthy". I'm glad its not, but I wanna get down to my UGW of 65 lbs. Its hard, because I live with my parents now and my mom notices every little change in my diet. So how do I make it seem like I'm eating more than I really am? I dunno. I've been throwing food out when my mom's not paying attention. She has me drink 1 nutrition shake a day. Its so hard to drink it; I feel like its loaded with calories. Sometimes, I wish Ana would shut up, but right now, she seems to be the part of me holding it all together. If I do decide to start counting calories, I'll post and update on here about my diet.