February 2013

This is a list of emotions I was feeling on February 20th and I titled it “Emotional Chaos”:

Analytical- I just feel like I need to analyze and pick apart everything that has happened

Nervous/Anxious- How are things gonna turn out next week? What if I fuck things up? What if I don’t fit in? What if I can’t do this? I dunno how their schedule works- what if I spiral into relapse? (this is in reference to starting Gateway)

Chaotic- Not on the outside. I’m holding it together so well, but my mind is craving the chaos and uncertainty of the Death Game.

Fearful- I’m affraid- so afraid that I apparently can’t spell. I don’t wanna make things worse- or fail. What if Ana’s all I am?

Guilty- I don’t deserve to be okay. I hurt so many people. I ruined my life. I’m supposed to be punishing myself- I feel guilty for wanting to screw up my progress. I feel guilty for having urges to cut and overdose, and I wanna kill myself. The thoughts and urges. The images. The triggers. None of its going away.

Reclusive- Not sure if I’m using this word right, but I wana just hide away by myself. And sulk in my pain.

Pitiful/helpless- (An arrow points to the last sentence after reclusive)

Conflicted, or Confused- I’m not sure. Maybe both. I just dunno what I want anymore.

Insecure- I’m just not sure I’m good enough. Ana says I’m worthless. Bitch says I can do this. Bitch says I’m strong, but I’m not. (Ana is my illness. Bitch is this other voice that kinda keeps me out of trouble)

Jealous/Envious- I dunno the difference. But I’m jealous of a girl that my friend is into. I know she’s not into him, but I still want his attention, which I’m not getting any of.

Lonely- But reclusive- I wanna be with someone, but I feel like I’m not good enough for anyone- so I wanna try to hide.

Mistrusting/Untrusting- I dunno. I’m just afraid that if I make one mistake, recovery will be destroyed

Self-Defeating- Self-Condemning, Self-Hatred- I’m sabotaging everything, because I’m afraid. I can’t lose anyone if nobody’s there. No one else can hurt me, if I hurt me first.