Back to counting

I finally got myself t start counting calories, agaain I got off track for a couple of weeks. But now, I'm ready to work a little harder. I'm thinking about trying the ABC diet, but I'm nervous. I wish I had some one to talk to and get tips from. But no one really understands.

Walking til I'm ready to pass out

I've been eating way too much. But I've also been forcing myself to walk until I pphysically feel unable to walk anymore. Then after taking a break, I try to walk a little more. I've been at a steady 87 lbs for several days. I wish I could be at a steady 84 lbs. Hopefully in the next week, I'll get back down to 84.

Baggy Skinnies

I lov the way these pants fit. I only own skinny jeans, but the pair that I'm wearing today is my favorite pair. They're baggy on me and make me feel so small and skinny. I love feeling good enough and pretty. I also love how they slide down when I walk, revealing my hip bone. Not because I want every one else to see. But because the way my hip bone feels. I love to be able to feel my tiny little bone. Its perfect.

Down to 84!

I'm down to 84 lbs! I've been eating too much, but I've increased my amount of exerciise. I have 24 lbs to go before I'm happy with my size. I just need to start eating less and I'll be able to get there. Some days, I do great; I eat less than 500 calries...but other days, I eat and eat until I feel sick. I hate how it makes me feel like a filthy fat pig. But the next day, I feel so motivated to rip all the weight off. I walk over ten miles and feel like I'm about to pass out by the time I get home. And even though I feel physically exhausted, I'm so proud of myself. I wish I had more days like that.

Yes, I'm fat. Yes, I'm ugly. And yes, I'm worthless.

I hate myself for being alive. For not commiting suicide. For being an ugly, worthless being. I want to die. I want to starve myself to death. I want to stab my empty body over and over again, while watching the fat run out of me llike blood.

Still having a difficult time

Its so hard to lose fat. Its so hard to cut out unneccessary calories. I back to under a thousand calories a day. My goal is to do under 500 calories. I'm trying so hard. I just wanna be small and thin and beautiful and perfect. I really do; I just forget sometimes. I wish I was stronger. I just need to be a little bit stronger to get down to the right weight. I haven't weighed myself in a couple of weeks. I've probably gained so much weight. I feel so fat and ugly. I need to fight my temptations a little bit more.

FAT FAT FAT

I'm so freakin fat! I completely binged last night. I ate way too much. I always eat too much. I have to start losing weight. I have to cut out calories. Why is it so hard? All I want is to be small and beautiful. I just want to show my bones. I want to look in the mirror and not feel like beating myself up. I hate myself. I hate the fat that makes my stomach bulge out and the fat that rests on my hips. Its gross. My thighs are even worse. I feel disgusting. I just wanna stop eatting, but its so hard. I've always over ate. Once I start, I can't stop.

I've been eatig way too much. Its disgusting. I need to start working out more and walking more, if I want to lose weight. So for today, I've had 250 calories. I want to keep dinner less than 300 calories, this evenng. I have to. Yesterday, I ate over 1000 calories. I haven't weighed myself in like a week. I'm terrified to know how much I weiigh. I still haven't bought my own scale and now, my bank account is pretty much empty. At least, I can't buy anymore food...

Determined

I did well again, yesterday. Less than 600 calories! My goal is less than 500 calories a day. Each day, I get closer. Today, I am slowly eating a 90 calorie granola bar that I broke into 4 pieces. I then broke 1/4 of the bar into many tiny pieces, and ate half the mini pieces when I started to feel fool. I'm also sipping peppermint tea- I never realized how good tea was until a few weeks ago. Before, I thought it had to have a ton of sugar to make it taste good (that's the southern girl in me). I was planning on the granola bar just being breakfast, but it may also be lunch at the rate, I'm eating it. Yay for filling my stomach with liquids and for slowly shrinking my stomach. Last night, I didn't sleep at all, but I had this really bad craving for a breakfast burrito. I turned up the pro-ana music and began to write down my Ana rules that I will follow and if I don't I wrote down a list of conseequences. I'm determined to be thin.

Less than 600 calories

Today, I did pretty damn good. I ate less than 600 calories and walked about 2.5 miles! I'm still sticking around 90 lbs. I got hired today as a Sales Rep for a knife company. My first paycheck will need to go to clothes (nice ones for work), and a scale (one that tells me my actual weight. Tomorrow and Saturday, I'll be in training- an excuse to eat less! Sunday, I may or may not go to church. I'm not religious, but my friend gets excited when I go with her. The only thing about church is lunch afterwards. A big group from the church goes out to eat afterwards; my friend is a part of that group, so I normally tag along. Its hard, because I never know where we're gonna go, so I can't plan my meal ahead. It always makes me anxious to eat out. I always end up eating way too much. Last time, I went to church and lunch afterwards, I snuck off to the bathroom to throw up, and then was upset when I couldn't throw up enough. I skipped the last couple of weeks, which makes me feel bad, but I had excuses- my sister was in town for my brother's wedding and last weekend, I made plans with my best friend. I don't wanna lose this church friend, or really any of my friends from her church, but I also wanna stay on track with my eating and calories....