Ended up in hospital...

Felt suicidal, because I'm a worthless piece of shit. I can't keep up. I need to work out more and eat less. Food is sickening. Calories mean more fat. Disgusting. Not working out means fat sitting of my thighs and hips and stomach. Gross. Food is the center of my hell! However there's a few other things causing me to wanna end my life. I'm afraid that I'm gonna lose the last person I really trust. I don't trust very many people because every one seems to not want me around. I don't blame them; I'm a stupid, ugly bitch. I'm tired of losing people, but maybe I deserve to be alone. Maybe a higher power (Ana, God, or whoever) wants me to be miserable. I was a mistake and they need me to get rid of myself to save their ass. I wish so badly I'd die. A few days in the hospital and I still feel completely depressed and alone. Once again, I did avoid giving Ana up, however, I think it may be time. I wanna lose weight; I wanna be good enough. But I realize I need help. I'm scared to let go of Ana and end up feeling more alone. I'm scared I'll gain weight and become uglier and more worthless. My biggest fear is I'm better off destroying myself, because no body can help me.

I hate myself

I hate how fat and ugly I am. I hate not being good enough. I just want some one to care about me, but they never will. No matter how small or skinny I am, no one will ever give a damn about me. I try so hard to be pretty, to be good enough. But they all want me gone. No body wants me alive. My parents have been waiting for months for me to kill myself. My siblings, my friends, my therapist want me out of their life. The county's therapist and doctor don't want me. They just see me as an untreatable mental case. The woman that I have been living with is sick and I've been nothing but a burden on her. I don't want her life to be this way. I don't wanna burden any one else. I'm done trying to be skinny, to be perfect- I just wanna die.

Have to lose weight

I gotta lose weight. I gotta stop eating. I gotta work out more. No more taking the bus or getting rides. I needa walk everywhere and anywhere. I'm so fat and I can't stand it. I gotta focus on not eating and I needa stop sitting on my ass. Instead of sitting on my ass while I watch tv, I'm gonna work out.