My Birthday WIsh

Today I turn 22 years old. I started out about a week or two ago telling everyone my birthday was coming up. I planned a get-together with some friends and I tried to be excited for it. However, I was really nervous about; for some reason, I gett all nervous and stressed out about my birthday. One year, I shut down, annd didn't wanna celebrate it at all. Another year I cried for pretty much the whole month of may. There were a couple of year I planned to die before my birthday. But this year, I didn't plan my death, and I didn't completely shut down. I planned to celebrate, despite the anxiety that was rattling around in my mind. I don't know why I get anxious and upset around my birthday- well, I have a few ideas I miss my mom, a lot. It was the ninth anniversary of her death this past Monday. It's hard not having a Mom to call whenever I want and cry to when I need help with life's problems. Its hard to miss those moments that you cann only share with a Mom. The ones when you heart is warmed and you are calmed by your mother's wise advice. I want someone to help guide me, and that's what a Mom does. The incredible thing is I had my adoptive mom, and sometimes I wish I could still just call her everyday, or whenever I want to just say hi or to ask for advice. I tried it last weekend. ANd it was nice talking to her. She advised me on some facial products, how to care for my sick cat, and we even talked about church. It was one of those moments that I feel is often missing from my life. After I got off the phone, I felt so blessed and grateful to have my mama, but the next day, I missed her and wished I could just be close to her again.. So, m birthday wish- I know you're not supposed to tell, but I donn't care- I just wanna visit with my family. My adoptive mom and dad and brothers, as well as my biological brothers. I just wanna see them and know that they are still there. Such a silly wish to have. But it means a lot to me to have family, even though mine's pretty complicated...

Enjoy the Small Moments

So it's kind of a rough week. I started my new job, which can be stressful. But I'm trying to stay positive and enjoy each moment. I also have been staying involved in the clubhouse and trying to participate in activities, despite some discouragement. But the most exciting and wonderful moment of this week was with my sister. We went to a local university to eat dinner by the lake. It was so nice out and I loved being surrounded by the beauty. We saw a big fish swimming in the water, and the baby ducks! I also got to relax in my sister's hammock. Moments like that remind me to just take a break and appreciate all the beauty in the world. It also gave me something to think about when I got really stressed out at work.

I have had some rough moments this week with my eating disorder and self-inury tendencies, but with the encouragement I've gotten from my friends and my sister have really helped me to push through the tough moments to get to the good ones. I've never really considered myself lucky, or fortunate, but I am. I am lucky to have so many people who care about me and are there for me. I have a fortune of opportunities and friends who are there for me. Its hard to see sometimes, so I really wanna try to encourage everyone to just think of one moment this week when you laughed uncontrollably with a friend, or randomly started dancing, or saw a beautiful scene, or got to enjoy a little bit of sun, or anything that just made you smile, or laugh.