Ana never leaves

The thing about Ana is I know as long as I hold on to her, she'll never leave me. But everyone else will. This week, I lost another friend. She was one of my closest friends. When we first met, I was in a miserable place, and she opened her home to me. I couldn't pay her and felt like I was such a burden on her. I never thought we'd bond, the way we did. We had this weird bond that no one else could understand. A thirty year difference in our age disappeared when we were together. She was a role model and an amazing one. She survived cancer three times, and even though her hair never grew back, she was so strong and beautiful. We used to laugh, thinking about how other people saw us. Two ladies walking around the store, one bald and the other show multi-colored hair. We had so much fun together and she always made me laugh, even when I had just attempted suicide. She cared so much about me and I cared about her. We checked on each other and played nurse when it came to meds or if one needed to go to the doctor. I miss her so much. It makes no sense in my mind that someone I knew for less than a year made such a big impact on my life. We went from being neighbors who never spoke to roommates who cared about each other like family. The hardest part is I knew she was sick and kept telling myself to not grow a relationship with her. I knew I was gonna lose her, but she was so much fun to be around and understand me and the things I've gone through. She went through similar, yet very different thing. I keep telling myself to not cry but I feel like my heart keeps getting ripped out. All day, I've been crying. Last time, I cried like this, I picked up the phone and called her. I was upset, because I was no longer able to communicate with my old therapist. When things like this, happen, I feel like the only way to keep myself alive is turning to Ana, someone I know that'll never leave me. I wanna curl up in the arms of Ana to cry and let her nurture me, even though I know that she'll slowly destroy me. I know that Ana will do more harm than good, but what good is the pain I feel?

Ana's incredible, because she attracts me and destroys me all at the same time. She hold me and makes me feel like I matter, but she also isolates me and slowly takes away my confidence. I wanna be Ana, strong and free, but I know that eventually my strength will be taken away with my life. Now, I sit, questioning what's right and wrong; where will I be safest- riding the waves of pain, or in the arms of Ana?

Ana's Creed

I use to have a notebook that I just copied Ana’s creed, Ana’s prayer, Ana’s laws, and the Thin commandments. It was my holy book filled with what I believed. I found these things on other pro ana sites and added stuff to capture exactly what I wanted my notebook to explain. I threw most of the notebook out, last year, but I still have a few pages. I also copied them down in one of my journals, because Ana’s such a big part of my life. The following bold sentences are Ana’s creed and my notes are the italicized sentences:

I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world. I still believe that control is the only way to find order in my life. Everything seem so unstable that I just feel this need to control things, especially my relationship with food.

I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention. There are many days that I still believe this one. It’s not logical, but sometimes, it feels like everyone in my life doesn’t want me, here. Just last week, I felt like such a burden on society. It just feels like even when I’m trying my best to help, I screw things up more.

I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do. Most people are idiots in my mind; however the idiots seem to be the ones that hate me, as much as I sometimes do. So, are the “idiots” actually right, or is everyone else? Maybe I’m the idiot.

I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior. So, this one is referring to Ana’s laws, which are mostly oughts, musts and should. I find it strange that in treatment, one of the rules is to not use the word “should”, yet my therapist always uses the word “should” to convince me to do what she wants me to do. That’s just how life is, I guess. People manipulate, lie and tell you that you’re wrong. The only thing that can be done is what you think is right.

I believe in perfection and strive to attain it. While I don’t believe I can be perfect, I strive to attain perfection, because being me isn’t good enough. But it should be- I know no “shoulds”. But seriously, I’m a good person; I just care too much. If I were perfect, I’d probably be ripped of my emotions, which doesn’t necessarily sound that bad.

I believe in salvation through starvation. There is no such thing as salvation. It’s like perfection- a mythological idea.

I believe in calorie counters as the inspired words of Ana, and memorize them accordingly. I used to spend so much time calculating calories. I had pages of foods listed with calories and criticism in red ink. If I had a craving for something, I would calculate the number of calories in it, by the time I was done, my craving would be gone.

I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures. I don’t own a bathroom scale for this specific reason. Measuring my weight was like a game, but I wanted the least number of points possible. There are days that I want to step on a scale to just check my weight, but I know stepping on a scale would be re-entering Ana’s game.

I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it. I used to believe that Earth was hell and we’d all die and go to heaven. Now, I think that were stuck on this planet forever. That’s hell.

I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting. A lot of the time my world seems all dark-black. It’s sad how most people are trying to lose weight, but I’m trying to maintain it. There’s this part of me that so badly wants to lose weight again, even though that I’m on a very thin line between healthy and underweight. Whether I believe in sins, or not, I believe in wrong, and I believe that we get what we deserve. Abnegation- self-denial or rejection of my own body is where I stand, most days. And a life ever fasting, I sometimes would love, but I’m eating healthy.