August 22

I can't think clearly enough to write. My life seems so screwed up. I have thoughts just racing through my head and I seem to not be able to slow them down. I'm nervous and sad and hurt and empty and lost and angry and scared. I feel all these emotions and yet somehow I feel numb. I feel like I can't cry and I so badly need to. I feel like I can't speak my mind and I so badly need to be heard. I feel trapped in a shell and not strong enough to break free. And you ask why I feel this way? I have no answer...or a million answers.

I miss my bio-mom. I miss being a small kid and being held in her embrace. I miss telling her all about my school day (well the good parts). I miss her. I miss the relationships I had when she was here. The family relationships. The friends who cared. I miss that. But evenn when she was alive, I feel like I was miserable. Everyone says this started when she died. This started when I was 7 or 8. This started when I started to realize no one really wanted to be my friend. When I started to realize I was the outcast in my class. When I realized I would never meet my mom's expectations. When I realized my dad would never really there for me. When I realized my dad had a new family and I wasn't a part of it. My mom's death was just a catalyst. And now here we are today.

So many things could have been done differently. And I regret so many decisions... but if I hadn't made some of the tough decisions I made, I probably wouldn't be alive. However that might be okay. For everyone.

Loneliness

Sorry, I haven't blogged in awhile; I've been really depressed and feeling alone and disconnected. Its been a hard couple of weeks. I'm still recovering from all the chaos of my mom's family visiting and I'm struggling to feel like I belong anywhere. I'm so alone and feel so empty inside. I'm trying to take care of myself, but its so hard.

On Thursday, I OD-ed in the middle of the night. I didn't go to the ER or anything. I'm fine. No pain. I threw up what I had taken. I throw up pretty much everything lately. I hate being the way I am. But I also don't want it to stop.

Tonight, I'm freaking out, because I was supposed to have therapy tomorrow, but my therapist rescheduled for Friday. And we're not even gonna meet in person. Ugh, I'm so anxious about this week. It's been so hard to not participate in behaviors. I feel so screwed up, lately, and like I have no one. My mom's trying really hard to be there for me. I miss my bio-mom- I wish she was here for me.

Paleo Zucchini Bread

Its been difficult, the past couple of days. I've lowered my calorie intake and am purging at least once a day- if not twice. I've only lost a pound in the past couple of weeks. I've increased my activity level, too, though. I'm doing yoga and taking my dog for a walk, every day. It's good for me and my pup. I need to take my cat on a walk; he never gets to leave the back patio. I'm trying to bake more, too. It puts on the illusion that I'm eating more. Today, I baked a gluten free paleo zucchini bread. Each slice is 162 calories. I ate half of a slice just to taste it; its pretty good-I'll leave the recipe down below.

On top of my ED issues, my mom's family is here and bothering the shit out of me. Her mom complains about everything. She doesn't like our bread, cause it has seeds in it. She wouldn't eat dinner, last night, because she didn't like the quinoa in it. She got upset, because my brother drew on himself. Anyways, she's nice otherwise. Well, except for the fact that she almost got sunscreen on me; I'm allergic to the stuff. Its awful going to the pool and feeling surrounded by something the makes me itchy and uncomfortable.

My mom's dad and brother are here too. They're both extroverts, so you can imagine how introverted me feels. I'm constantly overwhelmed by the noise and activity. Luckily my mom sent all the boys out to a bowling alley, while the rest of us could rest. I haven't rested much. I figure I'll hang out and watch tv. Then, when they get back, I'll retreat to my room and take a nap. But for now, I'm enjoying the peace and quiet.

Paleo Zucchini Bread

Ingredients:
-1 1/2 cups of shredded zucchini
-3/4 cup of coconut flour
-1/3 cup of coconut oil
-1/3 cup of honey
-6 eggs
-1 tsp of vanilla extract
-1 tsp of ground cinnamon
-3/4 tsp of baking soda

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a loaf pan. Squeeze the moisture out of the shredded zucchini. Mix all the ingredients together. Pour into a the loaf pan and bake for 50 minutes.

Brownie Recipe!

It's 4:45 pm and I've already eaten over my set calories for today. So my current goal is to eat under 1000 calories; I'm at 850. I know I can do it. I just won't be able to snack and will have to eat a small dinner. I think were doing salmon, brown rice, and green beans for dinner. I should be able to manage. I made brownies yesterday that are about 245 calories each. That seems like so much. I'm planning to back muffins and zucchini bread later this week. I use to bake so much more; I kinda miss it. Plus my mom's family is in town to eat anything I bake!

The whole idea of my mom's family being here stresses me out. I don't feel like they accept me as part of the family and i feel like I'm intruding. I'm probably gonna spend most of the week, isolating in my room. Well, my little brother's room. My grandparents are staying in my room, and my brother sleeps in my parent's room, most nights. So, i'm staying in his room. It's kinda wierd, but at least, I have somewhere to hide.

On another note, one of my daith piercings is infected. My mom had to help me clean it and almost passed out. It's been bothering me for a couple of days and has hurt, so it doesn't surprise me it's infected. Plus I mess with it constantly.

And here's the brownie recipe:

Brownie Ingredients
3 bananas (mashed)
1/2 cup cocoa powder
3/4 cup peanut butter

Brownie Directions
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Mix all the ingredients together and pour into a greased loaf pan. And bake for about 25-30 minutes. Take out and let cool before frosting.

Frosting ingredients
1/4 cup of cream cheese
2 tbsp of stevia
1-2 Tbsp of cocoa powder
2 tbsp of almond milk

Frosting Direction
Mix all the ingredients together. You can add extra milk to make it smoother. Then, spread on top of the cooled brownies.

Not Sleeping

I'm starting to spiral. I can't sleep and I'm struggling to take my bedtime meds. It should be easy- take the meds and go to sleep. But part of me is afraid to sleep. I'm scared something bad will happen while I'm asleep. I know that's crazy thinking, but the things that were brought up at therapy, earlier this week, are having an effect on my mental state. I've shoved so much down over the years and hidden so many things. I'm scared they'll surface. Nobody knows I'm struggling this much. They don't know I'm spiraling out of control.

How do I get a grip on this and slow down? I can't; I'm stuck and my thoughts and fears are surfacing. My therapist is unavailable this weekend; I dunno that I can get by without SH-ing. She left another therapist's number with me, in case something happened. But I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone else. Plus, it's 2 am and no one's awake.

I'm continuing to cut calories. And am trying to burn more without making it obvious. My mom's family is coming to visit this week, so it might be easier to get by on a low calorie count. My parents will be distracted with taking care of the grandparents and uncles and aunt. I may actually lose some weight this week!!

August 4

Its been a rough couple of days. I had my appointment with my therapist on Monday. We talked about somethings that happened a few years ago. I had never really discussed it with anyone and I freaked out after I got home and completely shut down. I ended up cutting and later OD-ing on my sleep meds. They didn't even put me to sleep. Wide awake until almost 8 the next morning was miserable. I'm still struggling with sleep. I hope this doesn't send me into another cycle of insomnia.That was awful.

I'm doing alright with my set number of calories each day. Eventually, I'll get down to my goal weight. I've been trying to do a little bit of yoga each morning to start my day. Today, I also went swimming. I've been also trying to take my dog out for a walk everyday. She's a small dog so we normally just let her run in the backyard.

Oh tonight was awesome, because I got to cook dinner, so I could measure everything. And know exactly what is in my food.

Well, I gotta go. I have bible study tonight and my friend should be here to pick me up soon.

feel like giving up

I don't even know what to say, right now. I feel like crap and no body wants me around. My mom and dad cancelled their date, because of me. My little brothers hate me, and treat me like I'm less than them. I'm a burden on everyone. And I just don't wanna fight anymore. It sucks, because I'm trying to do everything right and I'm keep f***ing it up. I dunno if I should even go to therapy today. What's the point? She can't fix the fact that I'm a burden on everyone and no one wants me around.

A few days ago, we were driving over a bridge and all I wanted to do was jump off that bridge. Last night, my urges to OD were so strong. How much longer can I go without OD-ing or cutting? I'm not okay, and everyone keeps saying it'll get better. But it's not gonna get better, as long as I'm here. I've screwed up so many things. And I can't keep going like this. I don't wanna keep going. I'm at the end of my line. What do I have to do to make everyone happy?