I am not going Ana

One of my friends told me that he was concerned about me, because he thought I was dropping hints that I was returning to my anorexic habits. So, I wanna clear a few things up.

Yes, I am going vegan. I want to be vegan for health reasons and because I finally did just a couple of days of research on the meat industry. The cow industry is completely out of whack and un-natural in it's current state. I'm not cutting out dairy products, because I'm gaining way too much weight. The reason that I'm cutting them out is the cows are pack full of hormones, increasing breast cancer risks and unstable hormone level when consumed. I have enough mental illness and don't needa be physically sick on top of it.

It seems ironic that I'm cutting foods out my life to get away from Ana. When I take the time to break it down, I realize that all my purging involved dairy products of some sort. Those foods tend to be my weakness and have a very high fat content. I wanna get away from things that I know can make me sick not only physically, but emotionally as well. Eggs are a another thing I've very recently cut out. I don't need them; They're high in cholesterol, pumped up with growth hormones- They aren't even natural anymore, because they've been genetically altered. Have you ever thought about the conditions your food came from. Have you ever seen picture and videos about the holocaust. That's what these farms look like. The only difference sick and injured animals have taken the place of people. I watched a video and some the cows were limping and dragging half their bodies around- those same cows are hooked to machines to be milked, and then you drink that milk from a bottle. Chickens are abused and tortured. Then they're killed and put one your plate. These animals are all trapped in tiny crates, where they're unable to move or sit- not for a few hours, but for every single day of their life! Think about where they're using the bathroom- down the side of their legs and on their feet. And these animal don't get baths weekly. They aren't bathed until they're already killed. One whole life without a bath until killed to be put on someone's plate. So many people just don't think about. When thy do, they wanna picture this happy little farm family that nurtures and loves taking care of their animals. But its not like that. Go ahead and call me "that crazy animal rights lady" but remember tonight while you're eating that stake, how many times did he urinate on himself and not get washed, not even sprayed down with a hose? How often did he get ill without being treated back to health? Did he get the right antibiotics? Were any of his legs injured? How much pain was he in every day?


On top of all the disturbing meat factories, studies have been done, finding that vegetarian diets can prevent cancer, as well as improve the health of those fighting cancer. It can also improve diabetes. Eating vegetarian can clean out your system- and trust me with all the pills and other things that I've done to my body, I want it cleaned out. I don't want all these poisons sitting inside of me, especially these newer medications that there really isn't research on. I don't want to be on medications that in the long run cause my mental illness to worsen than breaks down my physical health. I wanna clean all of that out and give my body the best life I can. If I can improve my health by eating different, more natural foods, why not?

I honestly believe that if my body feels good, then I'll subsequently feel good. I believe it goes the other way around to- if I do things that make me feel more confident and secure, then I'll take better care of my body. SO, my lifestyle is drastically changing, but not in a bad way. Before most changes did mean I had come up with a new suicide plan, or way to harm myself. This change is different, because I'm doing it to feel healthier and to be able to have a more clear mind. If you have questions, that's cool But don't accuse me of going Ana.

I feel like it's an endless battle with Ana. I'm trying to find a balance, but it's so difficult. I feel good one day, but the next, everything seems so difficult to deal with. I'm still eating, but it's hard to separate healthy from Ana. I'm vegetarian, again. This time, I'm gonna remain vegetarian. The problem is it makes it a lot easier to relapse. Lately, I just haven't felt like eating anything. Everything makes me feel so sick. I want vegetables, but even they seem fattening and unhealthy in my mind. Everything seems unhealthy. I thought being vegetarian would make it easier to not think about fat and calories and carbs. The problem is everything makes my stomach hurt lately. Then I don't wanna eat. And I keep ending up in this cycle of binging. Then starving myself. Then I've been wanting to purge and cut a lot lately. I haven't. I keep reminding myself that I'm almost to 6 months. I keep telling myself that I can make it. I'm trying to remain positive and encourage myself t keep up all my hard work. Today, I'm trying to be healthy and restore my strength. The stress of moving and Tiny being sick, and one of my closest friends dying has just been too much. On top of it all, I'm struggling with med changes and transportation issues, and finances (as usual).

Even with all the above stressors, my meditation skills are improving and so are my relationships. I'm also getting a job soon. Another stressor, but I keep reminding myself that I can do it and that getting a job will put me that much closer to going back to school. I'm trying so hard to push through the stress. I know if I keep at it, I can work through this. It's nice to have the support of my friends and family! I just hope that someday I can return all the favors that people have been doing for me.