Things you should know about life

1) No one gives a fuck about you or your problems. You can yell and scream all you want. No one's actually listening; they just want you to shut up.

2)Yes, you are fucking alone. Any friend that you think you have will stab you in the back and twist the knife. That's what friends are for.

3) Family- family is bullshit. They're not gonna be there for you when you need them. And all this ohana crap- please. If you're weak or ill, they'll leave you behind in heartbeat and not feel guilty.

4) Animals are angels; treat them as such. They're the only ones that really deserve love. People can all go to hell.

5) of course, you'd be better off dead; we all would. People will try to convince you a magic cure for your problems. They may convince you life gets better- it doesn't.

6) The whole mental health field is full idiots looking for guinea pigs. They don't even see you as a living being. All they see is a fucking number on a piece of paper.

7) And doctors- don't get me started on doctors. They don't know shit. They think a degree makes them know everything. It barely covers what actual illness is like. They will never know shit until they've dealt with it.

8) Meds don't make you better. However, they make it whole lot easier to mask your true feelings- so maybe they're worth it.

9) Church is full of people who are lost and confused. They pretend to have their shit together and to know God's will for their life. But they have no fucking idea. How could they? God doesn't speak to anyone anymore. He's a silent God. The relationship is one-way.

10) Eating disorders suck; they can kill you. But they work. That's why people develop them in the first place.

11) The best thing you can do for yourself is take some sleeping pills, drink a whole bottle of vodka and take a fucking nap.

12) If this offended you, suck it up. Life is full of people and things that will offend you. Have you seen the news lately? Everyone fucking trigger friendly over race? Really, you guys? Come on!

13) Never trust anyone. You could probably have guessed that one if you had half a brain. Everyone cheats, steals, and kills.

14) I'm probably the angriest person you'll ever read a blog by. And I'm okay with that; the world is a fucked up place and I got nothing better to do then complain about it. Because I've been determined a helpless piece of shit with a bunch of fancy words that are supposed to describe what's wrong with me. Let me tell you what's wrong with me. I've always been a little off, but I don't like being touched, or spoken to like I'm an idiot, or trapped, or yelled at, or told a bunch of lies for the "sake of saving my life." I don't need fucking saving- I'm doing just fine- was doing just fine on my own. If you don't like me, great. Mind your own fucking business.

15) You're an idiot for reading this blog. It is not helpful in anyway. It kinda sucks. And its nowhere near as good as the rant I wanted to post.

Countdown to Halloween Diet

Just a little fun leading up to one of my favorite holidays. Thought I would share. However its not completely my own; I found a Halloween diet plan on a pro ana site and adjusted it to what I will hopefully be able to do with my parents watching.


September 1-7:
Vampire
Vampires are known to not appear in mirrors, so this week, try to avoid mirrors. And the next week, when you are no longer a vampire, you will see how different you looked than last week, cause you lost a few pounds. You can only drink red things and also water. Vampires are only awake at night, so you may only eat dinner (under 500 calories). Seeing you are sadly unable to turn into a bat and fly, your exercise for the week is to do 30 push-ups, a day, and go running at least twice to catch up to vampire speed.

September 8-14:
Ghost
Ghosts are stereotypically known to be white and float through walls. This week, TRY to wear some white in every outfit you wear. Ghosts don't feel and cannot eat, so you must stick to eating light things, like salad, miso soup, etc. on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. On Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday you will eat 500 calories for dinner. You may eat one scoop of vanilla ice cream on any day of your choice. While you can’t float in the air like a ghost, this week’s exercise is getting in touch with you spiritual side through yoga- 1 hour each day.

September 15-21:
Witch
Witches are known for casting spells and brewing up potions. This week your main source of calories will be in form of soup, and tea. Your calorie limit will change from day to day. On Thursday and Tuesday, you will eat 600 calories. On Friday, Monday and Wednesday you will eat 500 calories. On Saturday and Sunday, you will eat 650 calories. All these flying characters! This week, your exercise regimen is: running at least 3 days, and doing 1 hour of yoga the days you don’t run.

September 22-28:
Black cats
Black cats are sleek and slim. So this week, wear some tight clothes. And you will be allowed to eat twice a day, like Tiny, and your meals should be high in protein. 600 calorie limit. Cats-most cats are known for their climbing skills. Go on a hike or climbing adventure at least once this week, and keep up your running with 3 days this week.

September 29- October 5:
Frankenstein
Frankenstein was created from parts of various human bodies by a mad scientist. He fears fire, so no hot foods, this week. He’s normally green in color, so stick to green foods this week with a 500 calorie limit. Frankenstein is running from fire, try to keep up with 4 days of running this week.

October 6-12:
Werewolf
Werewolves are known to be strong, but have a temper. This week, you will eat a lot of protein to give you energy for hour long workout sessions (you choose the workout plan). 650 calorie limit.

October 13-19:
Skeleton
Get ready for the hardest week. We all are reading this because we want to look like a skeleton pretty much. How do you become a skeleton? This week, there will be liquid fasts, every day that you can get away with. The days you can’t get away with a liquid fast, you must do a 45 minute workout session.

October 20-26:
Jack-o-Lantern
This week is all about pumpkin. From pumpkin bread to pumpkin seeds to pumpkin spice lattes. If there’s pumpkin in it, you can eat it. Other things you can eat: sweet potatoes, squash, oranges/clementines, carrots. Pumpkins can get pretty heavy; if you get the chance do some weightlifting this week.

October 27-31
Your costume
Hopefully by now you have your costume. Make up a plan that has to do with your costume.

August 22

I can't think clearly enough to write. My life seems so screwed up. I have thoughts just racing through my head and I seem to not be able to slow them down. I'm nervous and sad and hurt and empty and lost and angry and scared. I feel all these emotions and yet somehow I feel numb. I feel like I can't cry and I so badly need to. I feel like I can't speak my mind and I so badly need to be heard. I feel trapped in a shell and not strong enough to break free. And you ask why I feel this way? I have no answer...or a million answers.

I miss my bio-mom. I miss being a small kid and being held in her embrace. I miss telling her all about my school day (well the good parts). I miss her. I miss the relationships I had when she was here. The family relationships. The friends who cared. I miss that. But evenn when she was alive, I feel like I was miserable. Everyone says this started when she died. This started when I was 7 or 8. This started when I started to realize no one really wanted to be my friend. When I started to realize I was the outcast in my class. When I realized I would never meet my mom's expectations. When I realized my dad would never really there for me. When I realized my dad had a new family and I wasn't a part of it. My mom's death was just a catalyst. And now here we are today.

So many things could have been done differently. And I regret so many decisions... but if I hadn't made some of the tough decisions I made, I probably wouldn't be alive. However that might be okay. For everyone.

Loneliness

Sorry, I haven't blogged in awhile; I've been really depressed and feeling alone and disconnected. Its been a hard couple of weeks. I'm still recovering from all the chaos of my mom's family visiting and I'm struggling to feel like I belong anywhere. I'm so alone and feel so empty inside. I'm trying to take care of myself, but its so hard.

On Thursday, I OD-ed in the middle of the night. I didn't go to the ER or anything. I'm fine. No pain. I threw up what I had taken. I throw up pretty much everything lately. I hate being the way I am. But I also don't want it to stop.

Tonight, I'm freaking out, because I was supposed to have therapy tomorrow, but my therapist rescheduled for Friday. And we're not even gonna meet in person. Ugh, I'm so anxious about this week. It's been so hard to not participate in behaviors. I feel so screwed up, lately, and like I have no one. My mom's trying really hard to be there for me. I miss my bio-mom- I wish she was here for me.

Paleo Zucchini Bread

Its been difficult, the past couple of days. I've lowered my calorie intake and am purging at least once a day- if not twice. I've only lost a pound in the past couple of weeks. I've increased my activity level, too, though. I'm doing yoga and taking my dog for a walk, every day. It's good for me and my pup. I need to take my cat on a walk; he never gets to leave the back patio. I'm trying to bake more, too. It puts on the illusion that I'm eating more. Today, I baked a gluten free paleo zucchini bread. Each slice is 162 calories. I ate half of a slice just to taste it; its pretty good-I'll leave the recipe down below.

On top of my ED issues, my mom's family is here and bothering the shit out of me. Her mom complains about everything. She doesn't like our bread, cause it has seeds in it. She wouldn't eat dinner, last night, because she didn't like the quinoa in it. She got upset, because my brother drew on himself. Anyways, she's nice otherwise. Well, except for the fact that she almost got sunscreen on me; I'm allergic to the stuff. Its awful going to the pool and feeling surrounded by something the makes me itchy and uncomfortable.

My mom's dad and brother are here too. They're both extroverts, so you can imagine how introverted me feels. I'm constantly overwhelmed by the noise and activity. Luckily my mom sent all the boys out to a bowling alley, while the rest of us could rest. I haven't rested much. I figure I'll hang out and watch tv. Then, when they get back, I'll retreat to my room and take a nap. But for now, I'm enjoying the peace and quiet.

Paleo Zucchini Bread

Ingredients:
-1 1/2 cups of shredded zucchini
-3/4 cup of coconut flour
-1/3 cup of coconut oil
-1/3 cup of honey
-6 eggs
-1 tsp of vanilla extract
-1 tsp of ground cinnamon
-3/4 tsp of baking soda

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a loaf pan. Squeeze the moisture out of the shredded zucchini. Mix all the ingredients together. Pour into a the loaf pan and bake for 50 minutes.

Brownie Recipe!

It's 4:45 pm and I've already eaten over my set calories for today. So my current goal is to eat under 1000 calories; I'm at 850. I know I can do it. I just won't be able to snack and will have to eat a small dinner. I think were doing salmon, brown rice, and green beans for dinner. I should be able to manage. I made brownies yesterday that are about 245 calories each. That seems like so much. I'm planning to back muffins and zucchini bread later this week. I use to bake so much more; I kinda miss it. Plus my mom's family is in town to eat anything I bake!

The whole idea of my mom's family being here stresses me out. I don't feel like they accept me as part of the family and i feel like I'm intruding. I'm probably gonna spend most of the week, isolating in my room. Well, my little brother's room. My grandparents are staying in my room, and my brother sleeps in my parent's room, most nights. So, i'm staying in his room. It's kinda wierd, but at least, I have somewhere to hide.

On another note, one of my daith piercings is infected. My mom had to help me clean it and almost passed out. It's been bothering me for a couple of days and has hurt, so it doesn't surprise me it's infected. Plus I mess with it constantly.

And here's the brownie recipe:

Brownie Ingredients
3 bananas (mashed)
1/2 cup cocoa powder
3/4 cup peanut butter

Brownie Directions
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Mix all the ingredients together and pour into a greased loaf pan. And bake for about 25-30 minutes. Take out and let cool before frosting.

Frosting ingredients
1/4 cup of cream cheese
2 tbsp of stevia
1-2 Tbsp of cocoa powder
2 tbsp of almond milk

Frosting Direction
Mix all the ingredients together. You can add extra milk to make it smoother. Then, spread on top of the cooled brownies.

Not Sleeping

I'm starting to spiral. I can't sleep and I'm struggling to take my bedtime meds. It should be easy- take the meds and go to sleep. But part of me is afraid to sleep. I'm scared something bad will happen while I'm asleep. I know that's crazy thinking, but the things that were brought up at therapy, earlier this week, are having an effect on my mental state. I've shoved so much down over the years and hidden so many things. I'm scared they'll surface. Nobody knows I'm struggling this much. They don't know I'm spiraling out of control.

How do I get a grip on this and slow down? I can't; I'm stuck and my thoughts and fears are surfacing. My therapist is unavailable this weekend; I dunno that I can get by without SH-ing. She left another therapist's number with me, in case something happened. But I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone else. Plus, it's 2 am and no one's awake.

I'm continuing to cut calories. And am trying to burn more without making it obvious. My mom's family is coming to visit this week, so it might be easier to get by on a low calorie count. My parents will be distracted with taking care of the grandparents and uncles and aunt. I may actually lose some weight this week!!

August 4

Its been a rough couple of days. I had my appointment with my therapist on Monday. We talked about somethings that happened a few years ago. I had never really discussed it with anyone and I freaked out after I got home and completely shut down. I ended up cutting and later OD-ing on my sleep meds. They didn't even put me to sleep. Wide awake until almost 8 the next morning was miserable. I'm still struggling with sleep. I hope this doesn't send me into another cycle of insomnia.That was awful.

I'm doing alright with my set number of calories each day. Eventually, I'll get down to my goal weight. I've been trying to do a little bit of yoga each morning to start my day. Today, I also went swimming. I've been also trying to take my dog out for a walk everyday. She's a small dog so we normally just let her run in the backyard.

Oh tonight was awesome, because I got to cook dinner, so I could measure everything. And know exactly what is in my food.

Well, I gotta go. I have bible study tonight and my friend should be here to pick me up soon.

feel like giving up

I don't even know what to say, right now. I feel like crap and no body wants me around. My mom and dad cancelled their date, because of me. My little brothers hate me, and treat me like I'm less than them. I'm a burden on everyone. And I just don't wanna fight anymore. It sucks, because I'm trying to do everything right and I'm keep f***ing it up. I dunno if I should even go to therapy today. What's the point? She can't fix the fact that I'm a burden on everyone and no one wants me around.

A few days ago, we were driving over a bridge and all I wanted to do was jump off that bridge. Last night, my urges to OD were so strong. How much longer can I go without OD-ing or cutting? I'm not okay, and everyone keeps saying it'll get better. But it's not gonna get better, as long as I'm here. I've screwed up so many things. And I can't keep going like this. I don't wanna keep going. I'm at the end of my line. What do I have to do to make everyone happy?

If I'm not thin, I'm not attractive.

I know plenty of people who aren’t thin, but still attractive. However, when I look in the mirror and see all the fat glued to my bones, it terrifies me. I don’t want it there, whether I’m trying to recover or not. I don’t wanna wake up in the morning and have to drag an overly heavy body out of bed. I don’t wanna walk by people and brush against them, because I’m too fat to fit. I don’t want my future husband to be disgusted by my rolls of fat. I don’t want my friends to say, “Ally’s just let herself go.”

I wanna look at myself and like what I see. And I can’t do the unless I’m underweight and thin. When I’m nothing but bones, I’ll feel good about myself and see beauty when I look in the mirror. I want that more than anything. I have a plan to lose weight and if I follow it, I’ll succeed.

First, I have a certain number of calories for each day over the next month. Second, I have a plan to start running. For the next week, I’m gonna go for a walk, each day. Then I’ll add in three days of running. Eventually, I’ll run 6 days a week. And finally, I have a reward system. For every 5 lbs I lose, I get to purchase something. The first reward is a puzzle. I can do this!!

Worries...

I am so nervous about Friday night. That's my parents date night. I asked 2 different friends if they were available to come over, but one's gonna be out of town and the other just can't do it. I dunno what I'm gonna do. I don't think my brothers will listen to me, especially the youngest. And I'm afraid of being left home alone. My therapist and I talked about practicing being home alone, but I don't think I'm ready. All I've been thinking about the past couple of days is cutting and OD-ing. I don't wanna screw up, but I sort of do. I know that makes no sense. I haven't talked to my mom about it; I'm too nervous. I don't even know how to start the conversation.

Then there's this family visit happening in 2 weeks. I'm so nervous about having more people in the house. My sister was one thing, but this is my mom's family and i feel like they don't consider me a part of the family. Which I guess I'm not biologically. But my parents did adopt me, so legally I am. It's just awkward feeling like I'm intruding on family time. Maybe I'll stay locked up in my room the whole visit. With all the anxiety I feel right now, maybe I'll stay locked up forever.

I just did my worry time and the timer went off, so I need to stop worrying. But it's so hard. My therapist is gonna be out of town the next few days too. I dunno how I'm gonna get by without being able to contact her. When did life get so tough?

July 25

This past weekend, my sister and her family came to visit. The visit was pretty good. I learned my sister needed me to talk to her and be there for her more. And she learned its hard for me to speak up and interact when there's a lot of people around and a lot of commotion. And there was a lot going on this weekend. My extroverted 8 year old brother was stealing the spotlight. He talks so much and my sister's husband is fairly extrovert; so they got along great. It was impossible for me to get any words in.

So Saturday, my sister and I went to Barnes and Noble. It was nice. I found some awesome journals and a really hard puzzle- all of it was 50% off!! Good bargain shopping! Then we sat down for some tea and cookies. I actually allowed myself to eat a cookie! I allowed myself to eat a lot this weekend. I feel like I've gained a hundred pounds. Anyways, on Sunday, my sister and I had lunch together, just us and her baby. I love spending time with her- just one-on-one time. I miss her already.

Anyways, today I had therapy. Normally, its on Thursdays, but my therapist is gonna be out of town this Thursday. We talked about picking one time a day to mindfully worry. The rest of the day put my worries away. I dunno how well its gonna work, but I'm trying. We also talked about practicing staying home alone. My parents don't leave me home alone, because I OD-ed last time. I understand their concerns. I'm nervous about staying home alone, but I'm an adult and someday, I'm gonna be living independently again; I need to practice independence skills.

My mom also wants a friend to come stay with me on Friday, while her and my dad are on a date. I'm nervous about asking anyone. But I'm trying to get past that fear and just ask. We'll be babysitting my brothers and putting them to bed. After that we're free to watch a movie or play a game or puzzle. How do I ask someone to come over without being awkward? I feel so awkward around my new friends as it is. I'm not supposed to be worrying right now. So we'll just put it on a shelf and save it for later.

How do I break free?

It's been okay the past couple of days. Still feel like I'm eating too much. And I've been sticking my fingers down my throat so much that I now have sores on my knuckles. Oh the joys of Ana. I'm struggling to maintain a stable mood and am struggling to keep up with my DBT assignments this week. My therapist is not gonna be happy with me. Its just so hard to care when everything feels like shit.

Last night, I went out with a friend. I told my mom I ate dinner with her. I said we went to Chick-fil-a. I feel terrible for lying. I didn't eat dinner. I ate some candy- which I also feel guilty for. I'm such a fat ass. A lying fat ass. I dunno why I lied. I feel like Ana's got a hold of me and I can't break free. It's like I'm in a jail cell. My brothers and I play a game, where they lock me in jail. I'm never sure why I'm going to jail, but I follow their lead and cry to be freed. That's what it feels like with Ana. I just wanna break free. I cry for her to let me go and it feels like she puts me in isolation.

What do I do? How do I break free? How do I break these chains that hold me down? How? What do I have to do to break free and live a happy healthy life? Is there even such thing?

Attachment? Abandonment?

The first two days of my plan have been alright. I ate too much today, but theres always tomorrow. Today was alright. We went grocery shopping. My mom had the list and we got stuff without me panicking. There are times when I'm standing in the store that I just wanna curl up in a ball and hide. The decisions are so hard to make. Glad my mom's here to help ease that anxiety. My little brothers are both refusing to eat dinner tonight. Its a fight with them most nights. I try to be a good example and eat my dinner. Of course, I generally purge dinner. But they don't need to know that.

Oh, tomorrow's gonna be pretty exciting. Me and a friend are gonna go see a movie! Its around dinner time, so I'll probably catch dinner with her. Hopefully, I don't have to eat too much. Its hard for me to relate to other people, but I'm trying really hard to make friends here. Even if they're just temporary friends. They could last as my friends, but its not likely. I feel like I burn through friends faster than I burn through therapist. No one ever sticks around long, and if theres a chance they will, it seems like i move several states over. Maybe I fear attachment as much as I fear abandonment.

Speaking of attachment and abandonment, I'm nervous about this whole therapy thing. I wanna grow more trust with her. From what I can see, she's good at her job and knows what she's talking about, but I'm scared if I open up to her, she'll leave or quit on me. I don't wanna lose another therapist I've grown attached to. I don't think I'm as attached to her as I was to my old therapist that quit on me. But I dunno if I wanna get that attached, ever- to anyone. Yet, I complain about feeling lonely.

New Plan

Okay, so maybe I wasn't ready to do the 2468 diet. Between cravings and trying not to make it obvious that I'm struggling with Ana, I just completely failed. I'm disappointed in myself, but I have a new plan. I'm gonna start this week at eating 800 Calories or less and running/swimming 2 times. From there, I'll subtract 50 calories each week and add an exercise time. I think I'll do alright with this. Once I get down to 450 calories, I'll stop subtracting calories and maintain by eating that amount each day. It should be easier to slowly subtract calories. Hopefully, I can get down to 70 lbs around early September.

400 Calories

Yesterday was okay, but I gave into my craving for cheetos, so I ate well over 400 calories. Today, I'm gonna do 400 again. I've already had a salad; the dressing was 130 calories. I'll just eat nothing else until dinner and try to eat something small for dinner. I don't think my parents have noticed anything off, yet. I'm sure they'll catch on pretty quickly. They're both very intelligent and my mom is very aware of changes in my routine.

I got my piercings last night, which was f***ing awesome! They're a little sore today, but I'm so excited about them! I remember when I was in hospital as a teenager, there was a girl who had a ton piercings. She had done them herself, as a way of self-harm. I can cut, but I dunno that I'd ever be able to pierce my cartilage by myself. I would need someone else to do it for me. I've thought about giving myself piercings, but i don't wanna mess it up or have it get infected.

On our way home from the piercing place, my mom talked to me about my parents next date night. Seeing I OD-ed last time, she feels like I might do it again and wants me to ask for a friend to come over to hang out with me. She wants some one to basically baby sit me. I understand why, but I don't wanna ask my friends, especially when I barely know them, to come over and baby sit me and my brothers, while my parents are out. That seems so awkward!

2468 Diet Started Yesterday

I meant to blog last night, but I had a migraine. I have so much to say, so this might get long. First let's talk about my diet. I am doing 2468 diet. I started yesterday, but I ate a little over 200 calories. I had cajun chicken and rice. I need to work on excuses to not eat dinner with my family. I tried to purge afterwards, but barely anything came up. I'm doing better today. All I've eaten is celery with peanut butter. I decided I'm not gonna count the calories of raw fruit and vegetables. So today I've had 210 calories in peanut butter. I'm gonna have to eat dinner, so I'll need to figure out the calories in whatever I decide to eat. It's leftovers night.

Now, to talking about my day, yesterday. It sucked! I had 4 appointments back to back. On top of the migraine. My first appointment was with my DBT therapist. I'm struggling to trust her with my insecurities and fears. I know I need to, if I ever wanna get past this shit. But it's hard. I wanna talk to her and be honest. But I feel so stuck and I dunno. Anyways, after that I went to the mental health clinic to get an EKG. They said something about it was abnormal and seemed concerned, but nothing looks abnormal. Maybe I don't now how to read it, but i get the basics and I don't think anythings wrong. It was probably reading my tremors.

After the EKG, I had to meet with my psychiatrist. The guy's an idiot. But maybe he's right. He told me to watch my weight- that I didn't wanna gain too much. Challenge accepted, doc! I will not gain too much weight. In fact, I'll see how much I can lose! Will that satisfy you?? It just really upset me. Because I know I think I'm fat, but I've never had a doctor or someone who's supposed to know what they're talking about tell I'm getting fat. I wish I could cut all the fat off and leave it on his doorstep. I know; I'm such a borderline.

After I met with the doc, I had to meet with my caseworker. I don't get it. I was switched to her so I wouldn't have to go as often and she's like lets meet every 2 weeks. I'm like I have a f***ing therapist already and she actually knows how to treat my illness, unlike you idiots!! I'm so pissed; I don't even wanna go back. I know I'm gonna have to, in order to stay on my meds. Maybe I'll stop taking them. I haven't even taken them today, now that I'm thinking about it. Oh well.

Right when I thought I was getting out of my funk from last week's therapy session, I get jerked back down. I feel like its never gonna end and I'm trying so hard to hold it together. But I feel like I'm starting to spiral and I can't catch a breather. And the people who are supposed to be helping me are only making it worse.

On the bright side, I'm getting some sweet piercing this weekend. I'm getting my daith piercings in both ears. It's supposed to be a trigger point and will help alleviate migraines! I'm excited; I've been wanting to get this piercing for awhile and my mom met some guys in the waiting room yesterday that had it done and they said it really worked. So at least, I have something to look forward to.

July 13

How do people live without cutting? I've been cutting for so long, I can't see life without it. I need it to survive. I wanna cut so badly right now. I'm supposed to be going out with a friend in a little bit, so its not really an ideal time to cut. Plus my mom has my scissors. I purged a few minutes ago. Every time I purge, I have this strong urge to cut. I dunno why. But I'm hanging over the toilet with stuff dripping down my face and all I wanna do sit against the wall and watch a cut bleed. I wish I had my scissors. My therapist talks about a life worth living, and says someday, I'll have it. I don't have much faith that I will.

I decided I will start counting calories. I'm just trying to settle on a number of calories. Or if I'm gonna do a different number every day. Or maybe I'll try the 2468 diet. I dunno. Today I've already fucked up, so tomorrow will be my first day of counting. I was gonna make up my own diet with a different number of calories each day, but now, I'm kinda leaning towards the 2468 diet.

Friends here. gotta go.

To listen or Not listen to Ana

I'm really struggling to manage my emotions. I'm on a roller coaster of anger, fear, betrayal and hurt. I can't figure out how to stabilize myself. On the outside I seem perfectly fine. I'm engaged in family activities and helping out around the house and taking care of my kitty. But on the inside, I have so much going on. I'm afraid if I let any of it out, I'll lose my family again. I don't wanna lose them, but if I don't get a grip on this soon, I will. I can't deal with that again. I will fall apart and have nowhere to go. No one to turn to. That scares the shit out of me.

I'm trying to be open and honest with my therapist. I want to trust her, but I'm afraid to. I wanna put up on my walls and defenses to protect myself from getting hurt again. I told her I wouldn't kill myself as long as I'm in treatment with her and that I would talk to her if I was thinking about quitting treatment. I'm not suicidal and I don't wanna give up on treatment. But I wanna know I can trust everyone involved in my treatment.

As far as Ana goes, lately she's been whispering in my ear nonstop. I'm slipping back and may start counting calories again. I know I shouldn't, but I'm struggling to not think about my weight. I currently weigh 99 lbs; that's 18.7 BMI. Its not too terrible. It could be on the higher end of "healthy". I'm glad its not, but I wanna get down to my UGW of 65 lbs. Its hard, because I live with my parents now and my mom notices every little change in my diet. So how do I make it seem like I'm eating more than I really am? I dunno. I've been throwing food out when my mom's not paying attention. She has me drink 1 nutrition shake a day. Its so hard to drink it; I feel like its loaded with calories. Sometimes, I wish Ana would shut up, but right now, she seems to be the part of me holding it all together. If I do decide to start counting calories, I'll post and update on here about my diet.

I quit

I feel like shit. I look like shit. Maybe I am shit. I don't feel like fighting my depression or Ana today. She's too strong. And what's the point? Everyone I trust is turning against me. I feel completely alone. And if weren't for the one cell in my brain that still cares, I'd be dead right now. I'm tired of fighting.

I haven't felt this much anger in awhile and I just wanna vent and I've got no one to vent to. I'm tired of everyone telling me how to fix my life. Do you think I haven't tried to fix my life? I'm 24 years old; I've been dealing with this for over ten years. I do what works. I get by. No, my methods are not ideal or perfect. If they were, Ana wouldn't be such a pain in my ass.

I know everybody thinks getting a job is gonna magically make my life better. But I had a job. It didn't do shit to make me feel better. I was continually put down by customers and reminded how worthless I was. I don't see how that's helpful. I tried to be positive on the job and tried to ignore the comments and the rude customers. I tried to work and go to school and pull myself together everyday. I still ended up depressed. I still ended up in this black hole of anger and hurt and fear and loneliness.

Going back to school didn't help. Even when I finally knew what I wanted to major in. The stress was too much. The hours were too many and I couldn't handle it. I tried to fight and pull myself together. Even on the days, I was curled up on the living room floor, panicking, I tried to talk myself into getting up and going to school. I wasn't good enough. So don't tell me a job or school is gonna fix me. Because its not.

And don't tell me to turn to God, either. He abandoned me. I needed him and where was he. I called out. I cried and he wasn't here. He was busy taking care of all the other people who needed him more. I'm alone in this. No one's here. Nothing can fix this. So just stop with the advice and suggestions. Because I'm done fighting. I don't care if I get better or not.

Betrayal...trust no one

I find it hard to trust anyone. But every once in awhile, I take a leap of faith and trust that people have what's best for me in mind. Then when they turn around and do something I was hoping they would and should have expected, I feel betrayed and defeated. I hate feeling this way. The first time I remember feeling this way, I was a kid and I trusted my brother to not tell on me. Many times I trusted him to not tell on me and he did. The problem with people is none of them are trustworthy. They all lie and cheat. I got a henna tattoo when I was 15, my brother tattled on me as soon as he could. My bio father had already spoken to me about not getting one. It was temporary, so why did it matter?? I'll never understand.

When I was 16, I started therapy. A whole new world of trust and betrayal is introduced when you enter the world of therapy. As a teenager (and even now), my therapist worked for my parents- not me. I had to watch every word I spoke, and if anything slipped, I had to face the yelling and hurtful tirade that came as a result. Things were never smooth at home, but therapy seemed to make it worse. When I quit therapy at 17, I was in Hell and had nowhere to turn. But my adopted family opened their door and invited me in. When I my emotions got the best of me and I could no longer trust them, they quickly realized they couldn't trust me either. Over the years, I've learned to get by on my own- whether by healthy or not-so-healthy ways.

One person was ever really there for me and when she betrayed me, I truly thought I was gonna die. She never went behind my back. And she stuck with me for months after I could no longer afford to see her. Why do people do this? They earn your trust and pretend they'll get you through the hard times and then bam! They stab you all over.

Anyways, I feel betrayed, today, and angry about it. And it hurts so much. My eyes are actually tearing up and I don't cry very often. I don't know who to trust anymore. I wanna trust my current therapist so badly, but I feel like her and my mom have gone behind my back and talked about me and are keeping things from me. I feel like everyone's teaming up against me. I hate it.

A Very Exhausting Fourth

I'm having a rough day. I woke up this morning with a thousand insecurities going through my mind and then went to a Fourth of July celebration where I almost passed out. Now, I'm at home sipping on some water with "Mio Fit" added to it. So where do I began?

Let's start with yesterday afternoon. My dad took my brothers and I to the pool. That suprising wasn't the problem. I didn't swim; I just sat completely covered up and watched my brothers swim. They were disappointed I wasn't in the pool with them, but they got over it pretty quickly. When we got home, my mom was sitting at the dining room table. She had mascara running down her face like she'd been crying and I could tell she was upset. I had this feeling it was something I did. I tried to tell myself that it isn't always about me and she could be upset for a million different reasons. But I was right; it was about me. She was upset and hurt that I don't trust her enough to talk to her about my urges to self-harm before acting on them. I didn't know how to respond so I didn't. I just let her vent. But how am I supposed to talk about it; I can't even put it into words most of the time. I just know I'm hurting and cutting will stop the pain for a few minutes. Anyways, that's a situation to deal with some other day.

Last night, we went to set off firework with my parents' friends. It was an okay evening. The fireworks freaked me out a little bit, but I survived. And I almost made it through the night without any awkward questions about why I exist. Right before we left, I got asked what grade I'm in. I said I was in college and of course they what I was studying and where. It was so awkward. I hate answering questions about what I'm doing with life right now. I feel like such a useless piece of shit.

So, that brings us to this morning. I just woke up feeling so insecure. How am I gonna be able to manage school and work? And am I ever gonna be able to successfully work a full time job? I'm so scared that I'm gonna return to school in a couple of years and have another breakdown, even with all the DBT. And am I gonna be able to stay on my meds without my parents help? And where am I gonna live? I have so many questions about my future and there's so much unknowns; it scares me.

Anyways, we went to a Fourth Celebration, which would have been fun, but I over-heated very quickly and almost passed out. I felt so light-headed and my vision was like looking into some sort of funhouse mirror. It was weird. We were walking and I just sat down. My parents turned around and I was just sitting on the ground. My mom walked back home to get the car, so I wouldn't have to walk home. Between my ED, meds on an empty stomach, dehydration, being on my period, there was no way I was winning today. I came home and my mom gave me a water with some "Mio Fit" and tried to take my temperature. It was too high for the thermometer to read. I'm finally cooled off now and feel a lot better. My mom said I had Heat Exhaustion. Its not the first time, I've had this happen and probably won't be the last.

My Abusive Partner

Ana’s this other part of me,
A part that takes and destroys.
She takes my strength, my happiness,
My will, my hope,
Leaving me dry, cold and empty.
She tears me down.
She’s like an abusive partner,
I can’t escape.
I love her too much to leave her,
But if I don’t leave her,
She’ll eventually kill me.
Everyone knows this and warns me,
But I don’t listen.
I need her to survive,
And she needs me.

She doesn’t just take from me though.
She takes from everyone around me.
She consumes their money,
And flushes it down the drain.
She wastes their time with her dangerous games.
She causes them worry and fear.
She destroys them through me,
Leaving them hurt and resentful.

I would do anything to break away,
If I could,
But she has control.
She knows where to poke and
How to bring me down.
She’s smarter than me and she is me;
an inner part of me that knows all
And can do all. Without her,
I am nothing. With her,
I am falling to nothing.

Review of My New Year Resolutions

It’s half-way through the year already! Unbelievable! At the beginning of the year, I came up with 6 goals or resolutions for the year. I think it’s a good time to review them. My first goal was to reach my UGW by March. I failed to do that. I am nowhere near my UGW and probably will never get there, because I suck at life. My second goal was to isolate more, because my friends suck. I might be doing ok with this one. I moved halfway across the country and never see my friends. Yay me for ruining my life and creating more problems than I can handle.

The third goal was to stick to diet plans better, and the fourth was to binge less. Well, I’m fat so those goals were obviously not accomplished. The other week, my doctor didn’t believe me when I told him I wasn’t pregnant. He ordered a pregnancy test and then ordered another one the next week. Like, wtf?!? Am I really getting that fat in the belly and hips. I’m not even sexually active; I’m just fat. I hate that everytime I go to the bathroom, I have to stop and look at my disgusting stomach. It’s so gross. It makes me wonder how gross and awful I look to other people. I just wanna curl up in a ball under my blankets and starve to death.

The last two goals, I also completely failed at. Number 5 was to not drop out of college. Everyone says I’m just taking a break, but the reality is I’ll never be able to go back. I’m not gonna be able to be a vet tech. I have tremors because of the meds I’m on. I can’t give injections with shakey hands. I had a hard enough time giving them without shaky hands. Number 6 was keep my job. Goodbye job; hello being a lazy worthless bum. At least, I didn’t get fired; I just moved away. I still feel like I failed.

Anyways, seeing I’ve already failed to accomplish any of my goals, I’m gonna come up with some new ones that might be attainable in the next 6 months.

1)Have at least 1 month Self-harm free. For me that means no cutting, purging, nor OD-ing. With the help of my therapist I think I can do it. As long as she doesn’t give up on me.

2)Stay on my meds for the next 6 months. This one sounds so simple, but it is so hard for me to do. I get so depressed and lose touch with reality and stop taking my meds and go on the Borderline spiral to failure.

3)Stay out of the hospital. Again something that has been very hard for me. With the OD-ing and ED, I spend a lot of time in hospitals. And normally that time is more harm than help. Luckily, my mom and therapist agree that keeping me out of the hospital is a priority.

I think 3 goals is good for now. Maybe I’ll try to review them more often too.

Struggles

I don't wanna fight Ana. She's stronger and louder than me. She wants to destroy me; I pray for Godly strength to fight this. I try to have faith. But Ana drags me back down to this hell. I know she's bad for me. I know she'll strip me of all hope and value, leaving me empty and alone. She'll leave me heart-broken and cold. How am I supposed to ignore her? She's more persistent than anyone else I know. She pushes until I break. She never leaves me. She won't kick me out on to the street. She's gotten me kicked out, but she stayed with me, even when I didn't have a home. I was isolated, but I had her. She's everywhere I go. Judging me. Questioning me. Slowly ripping out my insides. I hate her, but I can't feel comfort without her. I wish she would just stick daggers in me. She's gonna kill me slowly and painfully. Why does she do this? Maybe I wanna die. Maybe I'd be better off dead. Maybe everyone would be better off if I were dead.

My therapist and mom think I'm getting better, but I feel like I'm getting worse. I dunno what to do. I'm secretly throwing out food and drinks that my mom thinks I'm consuming. I'm trying to find new ways to self-harm. I OD-ed last week. I don't see progress- I see failures. Lots of failures.

June 26

Sorry, I haven't blogged in over a week. It's been a rough week. I've started writing up blogs and would start panicking and decided not to post them. My urges to OD have been completely out of control since giving my scissors up last weekend. On Friday night, I went through with it. Its awful. The rush of endorphins only lasted a few minutes. And since the end of the rush, I've been in a very dark place. I didn't go to the hospital, which I'm very thankful for. My parents do know that I OD and so does my therapist. They kept an eye on me yesterday to make sure I was ok. I threw up after OD-ing so I'm fine. I'm sure my therapist will want to talk about it on Thursday. I don't want to talk about it. In fact, I want to forget it. I feel so stupid for taking the pills. And I hate myself for everything I've done to screw things up.

As far as Ana goes, I'm slipping back into her patterns. I'm restricting more and purging more. I'm secretly throwing out food. I know someone will catch on, but in the mean time I'm gonna destroy myself. I dunno what else to do. I feel so worthless.

My Pity Party

I finally did it. This morning, I gave my mom my scissors. She's gonna hold on to them for safe-keeping. She said if it gets too rough and I need them to ask. She's being so understanding, but I don't know if I'd ever feel comfortable adking to cut. Giving up the scissors is such a huge step for me and a scary step. I'm nervous and have been freaking out the past couple of days. My mind is going a hundred miles an hour and my heart is racing. I'm also having suicidal thoughts- to the point of a plan. Don't worry; I don't intend to act. And if it gets to that point, I'll text my therapist. I tried to nap, and couldn't. I took a shower and a lavender pill to calm me down. I dunno if it's working. I just taste lavender now. I've been hiding in my room most of the afternoon.

I don't know what to do without the release of cutting. I could find something else to cut with. Or I could B/P. I purged lunch and dinner yesterday. And skipped breakfast. It was a rough day. Maybe I'm not ready for recovery. Is anyone ever really ready? If I don't get healthy, I'm gonna be depending on my mom and sister and social security for the rest of my life. I don't wanna be a burden on everyone. But do borderlines ever really get better?

There was a time when I tried to prove everyone wrong- prove that me, a borderline, could recover and have a successful life. But I feel so defeated and like I've failed to do that. I just proved them right. I'm a waste of space and energy. I'm just gonna continue going through this cycle of hospitalizations and interventions and suicide attempts. I'm nothing more than a Borderline with an ED.

Maybe Giving Up My Scissors

Today I had therapy. My therapist wants me to give up my scissors that I always cut with. I'm scared to. I'm scared if I don't have access to my scissors, I'll either find something else to cut with or I'll OD. I told her I'll just find something else to cut with. She told me to text her tonight when I'm getting ready for bed and to take my PRN. I don't know if I can just not cut today. I don't know if I can give up my scissors. What if I go back to purging all my meals? Or laxative abuse? Not that I can get laxatives. I'm terrified of taking this step towards "recovery." My scissors are so meaningful to me, but so shameful. She wants me to give them to my mom. I didn't say anything about it to my mom yet. We had an hour drive home and I just sat thinking about it the whole time, trying not to panic. I don't even know how to talk to her about it, without it being super awkward. Maybe I can wrap them up and give them to her and tell her to hold on to the package til I need it. I'm not even being completely honest. I have a backup pair of scissors. Do I give those to her to? I feel so stressed out right now.

The Three Words I Wish Described Me

My last post was about the three words that I use to describe myself: Insecure, Judgmental, and Sensitive. It doesn’t paint a pretty picture, but I’m human and we tend to be messy designs. But I promised this blog would reveal what three words I wish summed me up. What do I wish others saw in me? What do I wish I saw in myself?

First and probably the most important, I wish I could describe myself as faithful. I posted my testimony on here the other day. I’ve abandoned my faith in God over and over again. Turning to self-harm and Ana as refuge. At times I was more faithful to Ana than to God. This evil that has taken over my life and tried to kill me time after time, and somehow, I trusted it to bring me the stability and peace that I needed. My biological mom was faithful. No, she didn’t go to church every Sunday. But she prayed and read her bible, and had a relationship with God that I long for. She trusted him, even when she was dying from cancer. I sat in a corner thinking He had abandoned our whole family. And my mom prayed, thanking God for all the things we had and all the friends and family surrounding us. She knew God was gonna take care of her and when she died she knew she was going to Heaven. I wish I was faithful like that.

The second word, I wish I could use to describe myself: Compassionate. The Oxford dictionary defines this word as “feeling or showing sympathy and concern for others.” I wanna be able to help carry other peoples’ loads without feeling so worn out. The bible tells us to “carry each other’s burdens.” This is something God commands us to do. I’m so burned out from my own burdens most of the time, I forget to help others carry their own. I wanna become a better listener and a dependable friend. Not just the mentally ill friend. I had a friend a few years ago; she was the most compassionate person I’d ever met. She had faced the struggles of cancer, depression, anxiety, and divorce. Her past wasn’t neat or perfect. But when I fell into her life, she loved me and took me under her wing with the most sympathy anyone could have ever given me at that time. I wanna be that for someone else. There are so many hurting people in the world and if they could just feel like they mattered for a few minutes, it could change their perspective.

The third word: Confident. I wanna feel confident in my body, in my abilities, and just in everything I do. I know that I’ll never feel confident a 100% of the time. But if I could feel confident 75% of the time; that would be nice. The most confident person, I’d ever known, is my older brother. I’m sure he has insecurities- we all do. But he knows who he is and he doesn’t let his insecurities stand in his way. He can make jokes and talk in front of people without getting hurt and withdrawn afterwards. I wish I was more like that. I wish I didn’t get hurt so easily. I wish I didn’t feel so withdrawn and scared to talk to people, including my friends.

So, now you know who I wish I was.

Three Words Used to Describe Me

I just started a new book- its one of those devotional books that’s supposed to help you apply God’s word to your daily life. Its starts out asking, “What three word would you use to describe yourself?” That question got me thinking. How do I sum myself up in three word? How do I wish to be described when given only three words? So today’s blog is gonna be about the three words I would use to describe myself now. And my next blog will be about the three words I wish described me.

The first word that pops into mind: insecure. I feel so insecure about everything. I don’t like the way I look. Until recently, I rarely posted pictures of myself online and even now, I only post my face. I hate people seeing my body. My most recent boyfriend couldn’t even touch me without me cringing. I don’t want others to feel the fat that I perceive on my body. The other day, my mom took me clothes shopping. She says it was a success, because we found clothes that fit me pretty well. I don’t feel the same way as her. I felt humiliated, trying on clothes and seeing how disgustingly fat I looked in everything. My stomach stuck out and my thighs looked huge. My hips so wide. I felt so gross in my own skin. I wanted to melt away into nonexistence. We bought the clothes she said looked good on me and I went with her opinion, because I can’t rely on my own. I’m too insecure to trust my own opinion- even the insecure ones. So, insecurity is one of my most prevalent traits.

The second word I would use is: Judgmental. I pretend not to be judgmental and for the most part I’m very accepting of others. But there this side of me that mostly comes out when talking about how I should or shouldn’t feel or deal with a situation. I shouldn’t be hurt by the way family photos were done the other week. I blogged about this on June 8, so I won’t drag it out. I shouldn’t even be upset still. I also shouldn’t be upset with the nurse for telling me my BMI. However, she should have known better than to saI blogged about this on June 8, so I won’t drag it out. I shouldn’t even be upset still. I also shouldn’t be upset with the nurse for telling me my BMI. However, she should have known better than to say the BMI of someone with an ED in front of them. All judgments.

The third word I would use is sensitive. I am very sensitive, emotionally and physiologically. My feelings get hurt easily, like with the photo situation. I also get overwhelmed very easily. Whether it be school work, or in a crowded place, or just at home with my little brothers running around making all kinds of noise. I’m very sensitive to noise and sometimes, need to escape and sit quietly in my room. As I mentioned earlier, I’m also sensitive to people touching me. Emotionally, I just get upset easier than others, but I also get really freakin excited for things. It comes with having a sensitive personality.

I guess you could say the three words I picked were connected in some way. I think being sensitive can sometimes be a good thing, but I wish I wasn’t so insecure and judgmental. If you wanna know the three words I wish described me, you’ll have to wait til my next blog. But keep a lookout, it’ll come very soon.

Testimony

During high school, I moved far away from God and wanted nothing to do with the idea of a god of any kind or religion. Through the actions of my family and the people at church, I had been taught that Godly people were judgmental and unkind. They did not care if they hurt your feelings or tore you down, as long as they got to say what they believed and made it clear that what they believed was “right”. I didn’t really care if it was right or wrong, as long as I could tune them all out and not listen to it anymore. I did not hide the fact that I was agnostic and wanted nothing to do with God.

At this time, I was struggling with my depression and anger issues. My anger went out towards everyone, especially my biological dad, his wife, and the church. I became a bomb erupting daily at the smallest things. Then there were periods of time where I was so shut down that it felt like I was galaxies away from the rest of the world. The few times that I did pray was me crying out to just die because I could no longer withstand the pain. I prayed for God to just send me to hell, because it had to better than the pain I was feeling.

December of my senior year of high school, I got kicked out of my biological dad’s house. So, I packed my bags and moved in with a family that had been mentoring me. I’d met them through the church and they were different than most of the Christians I knew. When they prayed, it didn’t sound fake or like they were just saying what they thought they were supposed to say. They were genuine and honest with me. They tried to understand my pain, something no one else had tried to do. I felt accepted for the first time since my biological mom’s death several years earlier.

A few months later, March of 2010, I broke down and knew I couldn’t get through this alone. I needed God. I prayed for him to open my heart and fill it with his love and acceptance. The next Sunday, the church I was attending was doing baptisms- I asked if I too could be baptized. My decision to make God the center of my life was now public.

I thought with God, things would get easier, but my insecurities grew stronger and more out of control. I tried to not lose my focus off of God. But later that year and into the next couple of year, I fell into a deep depression that turned into a cycle of anger outbursts, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalizations, disordered eating, self-injury, and having nowhere to call home. I was trapped and scared and hurting. My past was haunting me and destroying me. I was beaten down and when I needed God the most, it seemed like he had abandoned me. So I turned away from him. I declared myself, once again, agnostic.

But even in the darkest hour, God was calling for me. After a few years of running from him, I started calling for God again. From time to time, I’d pray or open my bible. I started reading devotionals. I started searching for a church. I started going to Freedom that Last, a faith based recovery bible study. I began to grow a relationship with God, I did not have before. I’m not saying its easy. I get angry at God and I still have a mental illness. In fact, I recently relapsed with my mental illness, but things are different this time, I have a growing relationship with God, a wonderful support system, and a knowledgeable treatment team.

June 8

Two days later than my last blog and I still haven't texted my therapist, I haven't acted on my suicidal thoughts either. I've been cutting a lot though- haven't hit any more arteries, surprisingly. Each day, I feel more alone and empty inside. I'm trying so hard not to isolate, but I also am not telling my mom how bad I'm feeling. She can tell something's up though. She asked me if I was alright yesterday and then asked if I was feeling sad. I told her I was and when she asked "why," I told her I didn't know. I don't know why I'm feeling so down this week. Over the weekend we visited my mom's family. It was an alright trip; there were a few things that upset me. I shouldn't have gotten upset and I tried to not let it show. First, there was dinner, Friday night. My mom ordered my dinner for me; she didn't even let me look at the menu and choose something. She just said "you and willy are gonna get this and share it." Then Willy didn't agree to share with me and told me to stop taking his food. I felt terrible from the long day of traveling and then getting fussed at for eating I didn't even choose to eat. I have no idea how I made it through that meal without crying.

Then there was the dinner party Saturday for my great grandparents 60th wedding anniversary. They wanted to do family photos. One of the photos they did was with my little brothers, the biological great grandkids and the great grandparents. It hurt my feelings that I wasn't included in that photo. I'm a great grandkid, too; aren't I? Or does the family still hate me for the past? Did I get kicked out and am no longer really part of the family? Was I ever really part of the family? Anyways, that whole fiasco did cause me to almost cry. But I held it together until after we ate. Then I snuck off to the bathroom and purged.

I so badly wanna be part of the family, but I know I'm not. And the fact that I'm not makes me wanna die. My mom's family is coming to stay with us for a week in August; I don't know how I'm gonna be able to handle everything. Stay locked in a room the whole week- if I'm alive still.

June 6

Life's not getting any easier and I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts again. I already have a plan; i'm not gonna post what the plan is, because its not really important how I hurt myself. Part of me wants to act on my thoughts tonight. I don't know what to do. I'm scared and hurting so badly right now. I don't know why I feel this way today. There haven't been any specific triggers that I can point out. I don't know what to do. I'm in a panic and just wanna act on my urges and get it over with. My mom has all my meds still. If she didn't have them, I would have already OD-ed on them. I don't want to tell her that I'm feeling this bad. I don't want her to worry. But I also don't want her to find me dead. I think I'll try to hold off at least until I talk to my therapist. I told her if I had any thoughts, I'd talk to her first. I want her to trust me as much as I need to be able to trust her. I'll text her first thing in the morning.

May 28

Its been a rough couple of days. The 11th anniversary of bio-mom's death was on Thursday. On Wednesday evening, I cut pretty deep and hit an artery. I couldn't stop the bleeding. I didn't know what to do, so I texted my mom and she came into my bathroom to help me. She put pressure on it, but it wasn't helping. So she called a friend who's a nurse. She came over and helped stop the bleeding and super glue the cut shut. It took awhile to stop the bleeding, but luckily I didn't lose too much blood. And thankfully I didn't have to go to the hospital. I was scared we were gonna end up at the hospital and I'd end up in the psych ward again. I talked to my therapist about what's been going on. And we talked about skills to use. The skills she taught me were had the acronym TIPP. T for temperature change. You can do this by sticking your face in a bowl of ice. I is for intense exercise; I'll have to work up to that one. She said I could just do 20 jumping jacks, but I don't even have the energy or motivation to do that. The P's are for Progressive muscle relaxation and paced breathing. Progressive Muscle Relaxation is a method used release tension from your muscles and relax. Paced breathing is self-explained. I haven’t tried any of the skills yet, but I’m gonna give them a try this week. My therapist wants me to try to go two days without cutting this week. My mom’s kinda checking on my cuts daily, so I’m nervous about making new cuts anyway. Its been hard, having another person see my cuts. She glued a bunch of them shut. It makes me sad to have them shut, because I like looking inside them and messing with them. I know that she’s just trying to keep them from getting infected, but its still hard.

Give all the Praise to God

I spent my weekend reading a book called Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl by Lysa TerKeurst. I recommend it for any women or girl seeking a closer relationship with God. It's a very easy and pleasant read (kinda has to be for me to actually read it), but it'll make you really think and discover things in your own relationship with God. I feel like I've gone on some spiritual journey over the past couple of days. I think I read this book at just the right time. I needed it. I've been asking God for answers to so many questions and for strength to fight my mental illness, but I've been forgetting to praise him for all the things he has provided me. I feel so at peace with my current treatment plan and with my living situation. I'm still nervous about trying to make new friends here in Texas, but I look forward to sharing my growing faith with others, and hopefully helping them grow in their faith too. It's been awhile since I've felt this way about God; I've writing prayers, verses, and quotes from the book down in my journal to remind me on the bad days to continue praising God and give him my everything. No matter how big the problem, he can handle it. And with his strength, I can get through the tough days. I'm not saying my life's gonna be easy; in fact, I expect something terrible to happen, because the devil works harder when we grow closer to God.

I know you guys are probably like "shut up about God", but He's doing so much in my life right now. For months, I've been praying for guidance and clarity on what to decide for my treatment. The ED clinics fell through, but if they hadn't, I would never had come to Texas and my relationship with my parents wouldn't be where it is. My parents opened up their home to me. After everything I put them through when I was 19, they were willing to trust me in their home again. This young adults/college small group was open to me, and my mom already knew the leaders. There's well-established and highly rated DBT therapist in the area. People have been sending me books with encouragement and exactly what I need to hear. And most importantly, my cat was able to come to Texas with me. Now, that's God working in miraculous ways. He knows what we need and sometimes, we don't even realize what we need. It's just so incredible; I don't have words for it.

May 21

My therapy appointment on Thursday went well. I'm gonna continue to see her every Thursday for individual sessions. Later, I'll start the DBT group, but she doesn't think I'm quite ready for that. She wants to work with me on decreasing how often I'm self-harming and the ED issues. The ED issues are spiking this weekend, though. I'm struggling with restricting. I just don't wanna eat anything. I'm getting fat and its causing me to spiral. All, I've had to eat today is half an apple, and a Starbucks Doubleshot. Chickfila is for dinner; I dunno if I can bring myself to eat it. But if I don't, my mom's gonna start worrying.

I'm still cutting 2-3 times a day. I somehow have made it this far into Saturday without cutting, but I don't expect to make it til bedtime. I hate these struggles and I really hope the DBT helps. I wanna get back on track and feel better about everything.

Underneath all of my SH and ED issues, I'm dealing with my intense emotions of BPD and the reoccurring grief of my bio-mom's death. I'm really struggling with everything that's happen. I should be able to sort out my thoughts, accept things as they are, and be okay. But I feel so all over the place and mixed up. I've been praying all day for guidance, wisdom, peace, and security. I just hope God is listening and things will start to sort themselves out. I'm listening for answers, or at least trying to remain open to them.

May 18

Today, I had my psychiatrist appointment. It went surprisingly ok for the most part. I told him about how often I was cutting and asked if he could increase the dose of naltrexone to help with the urges. He said he couldn't increase the dose, which was disappointing. But he did increase my Zoloft, so I guess that's good. He seemed nice and like he knew what he was doing but he seemed tied by a lot of restrictions. At first, he wasn't even sure he could prescribe the naltrexone at all. They weighed me there, too. I've gained even more weight. I'm getting fat and am freaking out. I shouldn't have thrown out those diet pills last week. I need them. I need to lose like 30 lbs. How do I do it without my mom noticing? I need to come up with a strict diet to stick to. Its so hard to not let the ED thoughts creep back in and take over, especially when I have so many changes in my routine and lifestyle. I think I'm gonna buy diet pills again tomorrow when I go out. I know I shouldn't and that I need to focus on recovery, but its so tempting and I dunno how to fight the temptation. My mom says that she can deal with the cutting, but the not eating scares her because the possibility of heart failure. I feel guilty for buying the pills, because driving my dad's car to bible study is a privilege and stopping on the way to buy pills feels so wrong. I feel like I'm betraying their trust. I feel so conflicted- like a war is going on inside my head. Buy the pills- don't- restrict- don't- buy the pills- don't- restrict- don't. You don't wanna lose their trust- who cares- you can't lose their trust- you're gonna screw up eventually... It doesn't stop. I don't know what to do.

May 17

This weekend with my dad's parents in town went better than I thought. I spent most of Saturday with my mom. We went to a baby shower and church, while my dad, brother, and my dad's parents hung out at home. Then Sunday was my brother's 8th birthday. We made him a birthday cake and went out to eat. The interactions with my dad's parents were awkward, as expected. But they didn't ask or pry into my personal business, so that was nice. And I did make it 2 days without cutting! But the 2 days is over. My mom keeps talking to me about this book she's reading and asking me questions about how I feel and how BPD affects my thoughts. Most of the conversations are super uncomfortable. Someone also sent me 2 books on cutting and my mom wants to "screen them" before I read them, because she doesn't want me to feel any more shame than I already do. Way to make me feel like I'm weak or something. Like I can't even handle reading self-help books. I know she means well. But I feel like she's taking too much control, which is no good for Ana. I've been having a lot of Ana thoughts the past couple of days, but am too fat to act on them. Ever since I weighed myself, last week, I just see fat all over my body and nothing else. I dunno what to do. I need to start restricting again. I've been eating just half an apple for breakfast every morning, and a Starbucks Doubleshot (210 calories). For lunch, I'm backing down to miso soups (20-30 calories, depending on brand). And for snacks, my mom bought me celery and carrots. Then I have to eat normal dinners with everyone else. That would still be fairly healthy, right? I wouldn't really be restricting; just choosing to eat healthy.

Things coming up:

-Tomorrow, I have an appointment with the psychiatrist; hopefully, he/she won't make too many changes to my meds
-On Thursday, I have another appointment with the DBT therapist; we'll make a decision if I'll start DBT or not
-On Thursday night, I have bible study again

May 13

Oh, has it been quite eventful these last couple of days. I'm so fucked up and don't even know how to handle everything that's going on around me and in my head. Where do I even start?

Last night was really hard and I'm still upset. I weighed myself; I've gained way too much weight. I'm almost to a healthy BMI. I'm fat. I feel so disgusted with myself. My parents were at their bible study. So I drove my dad's car to Walmart and bought diet pills before I went to my bible study. I was so devastated at how much I've gained. I've thought about OD-ing. But stuck with lots of cutting. I'm now cutting 2-3 times a day. It's out of control. Everything seems to be out of control. Anyways back to the diet pills (we'll come back to the cutting). At bible study, I really prayed and tried to take in what was being said. The message was about how to start a transition. What's the first step I needed to take to start whatever I'm transitioning into. I decided getting rid of the diet pills was the step I needed to take to transition to healing at that moment. I went out to my dad's car and got the diet pills and threw them into a trash can. I felt like I had done something awful. I feel so mixed up about buying them to begin with, but then throwing them out. I feel conflicted. I wanna start restricting but I want the DBT therapist to believe I'm serious about treatment.

That brings us to tonight's special event. My dad walked in on me cutting. I grabbed a blanket fast enough to cover everything and just said "I don't have pants on" and he was like "that's awkward" and left. I dunno what to do. I'm staying in my little brother's room while my dad's parents are in town this weekend and I dunno if I can go 2 days without cutting. I can barely go 2 hours without cutting. Its gonna be a rough weekend.

Intake Day

The appointment went alright. We discussed my previous experiences with treatment and why I wanna do DBT. I told her I wanna get healthy so that I can take care of my cat and finish my degree. I was honest that I've been cutting every day and she wants to try to not cut one day this week. Instead, she wants me to try some guided relaxation things. I'm willing to give it a try. My only worry is the next day, I'll cut more than usual or deeper than usual. I haven't cut today; my mom kept me busy all day. We went to the DMV and were there for a couple of hours. Then we had lunch and went grocery shopping. Then picked up my brother from school and went to my appointment. As soon as I got home, I went to pet my kitty baby for a few minute and clean his house and feed him dinner. Its been a super busy day and I still have bible study tonight. I wish tomorrow was gonna be pretty chill, but my dad's parents are coming to visit and will be staying in my room, so I gotta clean and organize stuff before they get here. I haven't seen his parents since Christmas 2011, right before my major breakdown when I dropped out of college and got stuck in and out of hospital. I dunno how they feel about me or how they feel about me being back under my parents roof. I feel like they probably hate me. But I'm a borderline; I think everyone hates me.

May 10

I was supposed to have my intake appointment with the DBT therapist today, but it got rescheduled for Thursday. So I just tried to remain numb and watch tv most of the day. I looked at myself in the mirror and almost cried. I've gained so much weight and look disgusting. I dunno how I'm supposed to continue eating all day when I look so gross and fat. I just wanna take a knife and cut my stomach off and cut the sides of my thighs off. I hate seeing and feeling all my fat. I just can't stand it. I can't stand seeing it or thinking about it. I want it gone. I was doing so good before I was hospitalized and sent to Texas. Ok, good isn't quite the right word. But it doesn't matter if I'm eating or not, I'm still suicidal! What do I do?

My mom is holding my meds to prevent an OD. And she's being extra observant, because we talked some about how bad I'm doing. I dunno if I can hold it together until Thursday. And what if Thursday doesn't go well? Just a lot to think about and cope with. I also need to be working on deciding a health plan for Medicaid, and I should clean my room. So I have things to occupy my time the next few days. I just hope its enough.

May 6

My anxiety has not eased. And the self-injury is becoming more of a problem. Its like I switched the eating disorder habits for self-injury. I'm cutting daily- like literally haven't missed a day in almost a week. And to be honest, I'm starting to have urges to OD. I really dunno what to do. The DBT therapist isn't gonna think I'm serious about treatment if I tell her I'm cutting everyday. I do want and need help. Its just the urges are so strong and I don't have the strength to fight them right now. If I weren't at my parents, I'd be taking handfuls of laxatives everyday, barely eating, and purging what I do eat. There's no balance in my life- I have to be self-destructive. I wanna just slip away and not be found. I can't fight this illness. My mom knows how hard the last few days have been and has been trying to show me extra support and love. I feel like such a burden on them- I shouldn't even be their burden. My bio-father should have to clean up my messes; I cleaned up his. My bio-mom shouldn't have died; she should be the one helping me through these struggles. I know its not her fault and she'd be here if she could. I would feel just as guilty being a burden on her though. She worked so hard to take care of my siblings and me. And this is how I turned out. My siblings are all successfully working jobs and starting families, while I'm destroying myself and burdening whoever will take me in. I don't deserve love or support. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this family that loves me despite all my faults. I don't deserve my friends. I don't even deserve those who read this blog.

I've taken 3 of my sleep PRNs, so I should drift off into a deep sleep soon and not think about this anymore. My parents are trying so hard to get me the best care they can find under my circumstances and I'm just continuing with the same old shit. I really hate myself right now.

Having a lot of Anxiety

I got a call from the DBT therapist, yesterday, and have an intake appointment in a week. I'm so anxious; I've been filling out the paperwork that I need to bring with me and I feel so nervous answering the questions. I'm nervous. What if they decide I need to be hospitalized? I don't think I do, but I'm always afraid therapists and doctors will just hospitalize me. They may recommend IOP (Intensive Out-patient) treatment. But hopefully it'll just be the group once a week and individual once a week. Should I tell her how often I'm cutting? It's not daily, but it's pretty close to every day. I haven't given my mom my meds.. I'm not purging much. I purged breakfast this morning- it felt great. I know it shouldn't and I shouldn't be lying to my parents. I feel so much guilt, yet I continue to be self-destructive. I really hope DBT helps.

My mom has also been talking about me doing school here in Texas. I don't know how that'll work out. I looked at the Vet tech program here and it's designed a little different than the one back home. I dunno what credits would transfer and what ones wouldn't. I don't even know if I'd get into the vet tech program here. There's so much to think about. I wanna go back to SC to finish my degree. I feel like if I switch my credits, here, I'd be making at least a two year commitment to being in Texas.

The other thing that's been causing me anxiety is my goals to live alone again. I mean I was planning on living with my brother before I got out of control. But am I ever gonna be trusted to live on my own again? Will my family ever let that happen? I wanna live independently and function and be responsible for myself and Tiny. How do I prove to everyone I can do that? I know I'm thinking too far in the future. I just have so much anxiety about everything.

Getting through this Season

The past couple of days have been on the rougher side. I've been struggling a lot with urges to cut and purge. I've only purged once, which is great. But I've been cutting a lot. My right thigh is now covered in cuts and my left thigh has a few cuts on it. I dunno why I'm struggling so much. I just feel so much anxiety and guilt. I feel like I should be doing more. I feel I should be able to handle the stress of school and work. I shouldn't be sitting on my ass all day and I shouldn't be burdening my adoptive parents with my problems. Or even my friends really. I'm worried about my parents finding out how much I'm cutting. I'm also worried it'll escalate to OD-ing. Because that's how it works with me. I dunno if I should just go ahead and tell my mom to hold on to my meds for me or if I should wait and see how things play out. I don't want her to worry for nothing. She struggles with anxiety too and I don't wanna trigger any more anxiety than I already do. I've thought that maybe when I go to the psychiatrist in May, I could ask him to increase my naltrexone (the endorphin blocker) to see if that helps lessen the urges to cut. But it's gonna be a new doctor, which makes me apprehensive about telling them anything. So many things to figure out. Maybe it'll get better with the DBT. I'm on a waitlist for one DBT program and I've been calling another DBT therapist daily to get on her waiting list, but she hasn't called me back. Hopefully, something will come through soon. I realize I need help, but I just don't wanna cause any worry or anxiety on my mom, or even my dad. I still feel like my dad doesn't want me here. I know it's the BPD talking, but it's hard not to feel that way. He's not doing anything to make me feel that way. In fact, he hugs me good night, every night. He talks to me about work and difficult math problems (he's really intelligent and likes challenges). He includes in adult hangout time, but I don't think he wants to. I dunno. I just feel like a burden on them. And I feel like residual emotions and thoughts from last time I was really sick are surfacing. It scares me; things could spiral really fast. I dunno what to do when things get so bad I can't handle it. I've been working on a safety plan; just hope I actually use it.

My mom just came in to tell me where all the bandages and alcohol and peroxide is. Someone figured out I'm struggling with cutting. At least, she's pretty calm about it and not judging me. She's just concerned and doesn't want anything to get infected, which is awesome. She told me that "we're gonna get through this season of life as a family." Let's hope she's right.

Staying Busy

It's been a busy few days. I got new glasses, which I'm excited about. Its nice to be able to see so clearly. I've been working on my application for Texas Medicaid the past 2 days- its a hard application to fill out. It ask so many questions; I've had to call my caseworker from back home to get some information, because I don't all of the answers to what its asking. And my mom's been helping me some.

Last night, my mom and I attended a church thing called, "Restoration". It was interesting. I had a hard time relating to anyone, seeing they were all 20-30 years older than me. But none-the-less, I listened to their testimonies and struggles and supportive words. I dunno if we'll go back. My mom is just trying to help; she wants to do everything she can to make sure I get healthy again and back on track. I feel a lot stronger. I've been eating pretty good. I've purged about 3 times in the last week and I've only cut once since being here.

Maybe I just needed a change in environment. I dunno, but something seems to be helping. I just hope I don't crash and burn again. I'm terrified I'm going to. And when I do, it'll be ugly and I'm afraid of hurting my mom. So I really need to make sure we have a safety plan. Maybe that's what I should be working on today. I don't even know where to start.

"I Don't Know"

It's been an alright week. A few slips with purging and cutting, but I'm still alive. I'm trying to take things one day at a time and its hard to just stay in one moment, without thinking about mistakes I've already made, or the mistakes I'm scared to make. Its also been hard, because my friends ask me what I'm doing all day or where I'm going, or what my next plans are. And answering, "I don't know" is getting old for them and me. I wish I just had some sort of direction. I feel like my life's been on stand-by for months now. I've been standing- not even standing, clinging to a balance beam between stability and chaos. And I'm obviously leaning more towards the chaos. I wish I could just tell my friends what I'm doing, what the plans are for treatment, where I'm going from here, how I feel- but I don't know anything. I know how I feel and that's about it. I feel scared and anxious and overwhelmed, and hurt, and sad, and it's like an explosion of emotions is happening in my head and I'm doing my best to contain it all. I feel like no one gets that. But my family and friends- well most of them try to be understanding and encouraging. Other's seem to just tear me down. I wanna cry and I can't. I try so hard to just let it out, and I know the tears are there somewhere, because I can feel them. But I wish I could just break down and let it all out. Its like being trapped inside of a container in a microwave over. I just feel like I'm gonna burst open one day.

April 19

Things are going pretty smooth, right now. I talked to my mom about my ED and she was really understanding and non-judgmental. She's b een very supportive and helpful. She's done a lot of research on Borderline and DBT, so that she can better advocate for me and help me be successful in treatment. She's even been researching about SSI rules and Medicaid rules to help me with that stuff. I'm so glad I have her in my corner this time. I actually feel like I have a chance to get my life back together. I haven't felt hopeful or content in awhile, so I'm struggling to trust my feelings, but am trying to just remain mindful and in the moment through all of this.

Today's the first time, they're leaving me in the house by myself for a couple of hours. Hopefully, I don't screw it up too badly. I already feel tempted to b/p while everybody's gone. I know I shouldn't, but I've been wanting to for the past week. Its the perfect chance to.

April 16

Things are going alright. Today's the first time, I've purged since being discharged from the hospital. I made it a week and a half. I dunno why I purged, because I knew I could and no one would stop me. I haven't talked to my mom about my purging habits She doesn't know about today either. Eventually, I'll have to tell her. I'm terrified of how much weight I've gained; I dunno how long I can hold myself up and eat normal. It's nice having energy though; now, if I had interest in doing anything with my energy. My little brother wants to play with me so badly and I just sit there and watch him play or go to my room and watch Netflix. I just feel like my motivation and interest has been ripped from me. I just don't feel like doing anything or going anywhere.

As far as treatment goes, I got an appointment set up for outpatient treatment here in Texas. I'm pausing my efforts to get into the residential program. My mom has some concerns about the way the program is run and some of the reviews weren't very good. I've been having concerns, but I thought I was crazy for having them. Anyways, we're gonna look and see what options we have here and what we can do outpatient for now.

The Hard Road

Today has been a very busy day. I've been making phone calls, scanning papers, and getting emails and faxes from the hospital and mental health center back home. I'm trying to get releases signed for the various organization and places that have worked with me to give information to the residential place I'm trying to get into for treatment. It's been pretty successful. I have two releases filled out and ready to be faxed.

My mom and I also got to talk. She's been an awesome support and encouragement. I'm still having really strong urges to cut, but I'm not talking to her about that. I'm trying to be honest about my feelings. I don't go into deep detail about the behaviors and decisions I make, I just say "I was being self destructive." She doesn't need the detail, or horrible things I've done to myself in her mind. I'm sure it's there anyways. So, today we kind of just talked about how I spiraled out of control over the past several months now, and how I ended up in the place I'm in. She says even though I've had a setback, she can see a lot of growth and change in me compared to how I handled things four years ago. She's right; I handle things a lot differently. Four years ago, I was a very angry person, and threw a lot of tantrums. I had to work through my anger, which was a hard process, but I did it and I'm glad I did. Now, I need to try to work on my self-esteem and self-confidence. I have a hard road in front of me, but at the moment, it doesn't seem as hard as the road behind me was.

Mental Health Intake Day

So this morning, I got up at 4:40 am to make it out the door by 5 for a walk-in appointment. The Mental Health Center here in Texas opens at 6 am, so I wanted to get there early to draw a number. My adoptive dad went with me. We stopped to get coffee from Starbucks. And we got to the center about 20 minutes early, so we sat in the car and waited. When we finally went in, I was given a number- 92. They start at 90, so there were 2 people in front of me. We took a seat and waited for them to start calling numbers. My dad pulled out his lap top and started working. I texted random people and looked through pictures on my phone. And looked around the room, wondering why there were so many kids not going to school today.

Eventually, they called my number and made copies of all my documentation (proof of income, proof of residency, proof of existence, etc.). Then, they told me to sit back down and wait for my last name to be called. So I waited. It didn't seem like too long before a man came out and called me. I went into his office, which was very empty and bland. No life or personality decorated his wall or book shelf. It was just plain. A diploma hung on his wall. A few diagnostic books on his book shelf. And even his desk seemed empty. It was sad.

Anyways, he asked me a bunch of questions about my mental health history. Have you ever been hospitalized? yes. Have you ever attempted suicide? yes. How many times? too many. When was the last time? A few weeks ago. Are you currently suicidal? no. Are you seeing or hearing things? no. Do you ever feel like you're really sad and then really happy for a few days? no. Are you or have you ever been homicidal? not yet.

So after asking a bunch of questions and looking over my discharge summary from my last hospitalization, he decided I was eligible for services and said someone should contact me within 10 business days to set up an appointment. So, something was accomplished today. Now, if I can get something accomplished with the residential place in the next few days. They are currently waiting for documentation from the hospital and the mental health center back home. Wish me luck!

Fears and the Current Plan

I don't know where to start. So much has happened in the past few weeks and life's gonna keep happening. I ended up OD-ing again, the other week and went back to the ER. I was readmitted to the psych hospital and stayed for 2 weeks. Even at the hospital, with all the other patients and having 24-7 supervision, I felt so alone and empty. I felt like the ED and depression had taken over and the rest of me was gone. They made some minor changes to my meds and made a new plan of action.

I'm now in Texas, staying with my adoptive family until I get into residential treatment. Hopefully, I'll get accepted soon. In the mean time, I'm gonna try to see a therapist and doc here in Texas. And have open communication with my parents. I'm already struggling with urges and I've been here for less than 24 hours. It's gonna be hard to talk about stuff with our history, but I gotta make it work. I can't lose them again. I don't wanna lose any of my support and that's what I'm afraid is gonna happen when I go to residential treatment. I'm afraid that I won't be able to communicate with my support system and will be completely alone. I don't wanna be alone. I know God's there, but he seems so distant from me lately.

Daily Struggles

Every day seems like such a struggle. I'm constantly battling all these forces around me and in me. Sometimes, I just feel too weak to fight. I feel like a failure when I'm losing a battle that I know I should be able to win. I don't even which way I'm fighting. I'm so confused right now. I know I should be fighting to be healthy and functional. But I wanna fight to be skin and bones. I wanna continue to lose weight. I'm so close, yet so far from my UGW. Today, I'm definitely fighting along with my illness. Instead of fighting against it, I'm agreeing with it and restricting. Tomorrow will probably be the same. I dunno why I have this mindset. I dunno what causes me to feel like I have to be skinnier and smaller. I dunno what makes me think it's ok to starve myself. But I do it anyways. Maybe one day, I'll get help for it, but for now, I think I'm just gonna see if I can reach my UGW.

Trapped in a Box

Trapped in a box. My legs curled up with my knees pressed against my chest and pulled in against my side. I can't move. I can barely breathe. I'm trapped and have been for some time. It's dark and there's no air flow. I can feel the top of the box against the top of my head. I just wanna stretch out. I feel so cramped and tired. I try to move but can't. I try to scream, but my vocal cords are silent. My body tremors from exhaustion and hunger. My chest is tight. Am I finally suffocating?? Am I finally dying? Anything is better than sitting in this box.

It's been a struggle these past few days. I don't feel good. I can't describe beyond that. I just know I don't feel like myself. I'm tired and just don't wanna be around anyone. I know isolating is bad and probably won't help anything, but I just feel like being alone all the time now.

Nothing Left to Give

All my friends keep asking if I feel better. Did the hospital help? Am I better now? No, I'm not. I don't feel better. The hospital's just a Band-Aid to cover up the problems on the surface; this the Band-Aid wasn't big enough. I feel like crap. I can barely hold my head up. Tonight, I didn't even have to try to purge; my body just rejected the food itself. It said, "nope, you will not have that sitting in your body." Of course, I also threw up my medication...so I'll probably have a migraine tomorrow. And migraines always make everything seem so much worse. I don't know what to do at this point. I want help and desperately need help, but I feel like it's out of reach. I'm terrified of getting sicker, but I'm terrified of getting better, too. I just dunno what I want in life anymore. If I don't do something, I'm by default, getting sicker. My brains a mess right now. Just so many thoughts running through it and I just can't organize them into something for someone else to understand. At least, it feels that way. I wish I could just tell someone, I feel like shit. I feel like I can't keep going anymore. This ED's got me by the throat and I have nothing left to give.

Simple Directions

Sorry that it's been a few weeks since my last blog. I slipped into a very dark place, and I can't say that I'm out of that dark place. I'm very depressed, but I'm trying to appear ok. On Monday, February 29, I went to the ER, because the suicidal thoughts got to be too much and I was really afraid I was gonna act on them. I stayed in the ER, getting IV fluids and drinking Gatorade with potassium until Tuesday afternoon. I was then moved to psych ward, where I stayed until this past Friday. This stay was a little different from all my other stays. It felt different. I didn't feel connected to the other patients; I didn't even feel like we could relate to each other. I felt like an outcast, so I stuck to myself, hid in my room, as much as possible. I still went to all the groups and meals, took my meds, and talked to the staff. They changed some of my meds; I haven't felt any different. At meals, I just picked at my food and ate the bare minimum. My blood glucose plummeted one morning, and I was supper shaky and throwing up. My hands are almost always tremoring now; I can't tell if its the lack of nutrients or the new medication. The sad part about it is, I really like feeling shaky and having tremors.

The discharge directions were "pretty simple":
- Check in with the clubhouse
- Check in with the Mental health clinic
- Get into residential treatment in the next month and a half.

Simple, right?

How am I supposed to feel?

Last night, I sat alone in my dark, empty apartment. Completely alone. And I continue to sit alone. In the past couple of weeks, so much has happened, and so many things from my past have surfaced in my mind. A little over two weeks ago, I was told that insurance approved treatment for my ED and I could go to the clinic as soon as a bed was open, the following week. A week later, I was told insurance never authorized treatment and to continue doing what I've been doing. So, I am. I'm giving into all my ED urges and thoughts. I can't fight this illness, and I dunno if I want to. Then last week, I had an MRI to look for any abnormalities or growths on my pituitary gland. I haven't gotten the results. I went to get them, but my doc was out sick. I need to reschedule the appointment, but what's the point? If I'm gonna die from cancer, I'm gonna die. If I don't die from cancer, I'm gonna die from my ED. So, none of it really matters. On top of everything else, my brother was staying with me, which had kept me in check and away from self-harm. He's not staying with me anymore, because of the rules at the apartment I live in. I don't think I can keep myself "safe". I don't know what to, especially with all the emotions being stirred up and all these things from my past interrupting all my thoughts. I'm not suicidal; I just have these urges and ideas to hurt myself. And sometimes, I know I can't control the impulse. I dunno how I'm supposed to feel right now. But I'm feeling a lot of things.

Just a matter of how and when

I dunno if I'm giving up hope, or if I've already given it up. But all I've thought about today is the fact that we're all gonna die. Every single one of us is gonna die. Some will die peacefully in their sleep; others will die horrific deaths. Some will suffer for months- maybe even years- before they die. Others will die quickly and it'll seem like overnight. Some will die of natural causes; some will die from suicide or maybe homicide. Some may die tomorrow; some won't die for years. Its only a matter of time before we die. And for me, I'll probably die in the next couple of years. Its just a matter of how. Cancer- maybe, hopefully, but not likely. My ED- most likely. Or another OD- one that my body and heart just can't handle. I'm not planning on OD-ing at the moment. But it's only a matter of time before I do it again. And my ED, it's not gonna get better- I'm not gonna get better. I don't even wanna try to get better and my body can only handle so much abuse. So how and when will I die? Does it even really matter? I dunno if I'm slipping into a darker place or giving up hope or what. But I just don't see the point in fighting the inevitable.

Drowning in Darkness

The darkness seems to just be flood my mind and my spirit. All the whispers of the past and the present, telling me how wrong I am, how I don't deserve to get better. I'm pushed and overpowered by the by angered current. I can't surface to catch my breath. So I dive in with all the force I have left. And I'm drowning, but it's okay. Or at least, that's what I tell myself. I have convinced myself that nobody cares; I don't have to fight anymore. It's okay if I drown; I deserve it, don't I? Nobody needs me; I'm so filthy and gross. Maybe there'll be peace once I'm gone. I hope so; for the sake of my family.

I got hit pretty hard, yesterday. I was already depressed and down. Then I got the phone call from the clinic; my worries were right. I am not going to the clinic; insurance didn't actually authorize treatment. So now, I'm on my own. I dunno what that means. I can't fight this illness on my own, but maybe I don't want to. Maybe I just don't wanna fight anymore. As of right now, I'm not fighting; I'm giving in- full force. Letting the evil bitch consume me. To be honest, I hope I die from this. I tried putting my faith and God and followed his guidance as much as possible, but it ended me nowhere. He left me out to drown, again. Thanks, God.