Daily Struggles

Every day seems like such a struggle. I'm constantly battling all these forces around me and in me. Sometimes, I just feel too weak to fight. I feel like a failure when I'm losing a battle that I know I should be able to win. I don't even which way I'm fighting. I'm so confused right now. I know I should be fighting to be healthy and functional. But I wanna fight to be skin and bones. I wanna continue to lose weight. I'm so close, yet so far from my UGW. Today, I'm definitely fighting along with my illness. Instead of fighting against it, I'm agreeing with it and restricting. Tomorrow will probably be the same. I dunno why I have this mindset. I dunno what causes me to feel like I have to be skinnier and smaller. I dunno what makes me think it's ok to starve myself. But I do it anyways. Maybe one day, I'll get help for it, but for now, I think I'm just gonna see if I can reach my UGW.

Trapped in a Box

Trapped in a box. My legs curled up with my knees pressed against my chest and pulled in against my side. I can't move. I can barely breathe. I'm trapped and have been for some time. It's dark and there's no air flow. I can feel the top of the box against the top of my head. I just wanna stretch out. I feel so cramped and tired. I try to move but can't. I try to scream, but my vocal cords are silent. My body tremors from exhaustion and hunger. My chest is tight. Am I finally suffocating?? Am I finally dying? Anything is better than sitting in this box.

It's been a struggle these past few days. I don't feel good. I can't describe beyond that. I just know I don't feel like myself. I'm tired and just don't wanna be around anyone. I know isolating is bad and probably won't help anything, but I just feel like being alone all the time now.

Nothing Left to Give

All my friends keep asking if I feel better. Did the hospital help? Am I better now? No, I'm not. I don't feel better. The hospital's just a Band-Aid to cover up the problems on the surface; this the Band-Aid wasn't big enough. I feel like crap. I can barely hold my head up. Tonight, I didn't even have to try to purge; my body just rejected the food itself. It said, "nope, you will not have that sitting in your body." Of course, I also threw up my medication...so I'll probably have a migraine tomorrow. And migraines always make everything seem so much worse. I don't know what to do at this point. I want help and desperately need help, but I feel like it's out of reach. I'm terrified of getting sicker, but I'm terrified of getting better, too. I just dunno what I want in life anymore. If I don't do something, I'm by default, getting sicker. My brains a mess right now. Just so many thoughts running through it and I just can't organize them into something for someone else to understand. At least, it feels that way. I wish I could just tell someone, I feel like shit. I feel like I can't keep going anymore. This ED's got me by the throat and I have nothing left to give.

Simple Directions

Sorry that it's been a few weeks since my last blog. I slipped into a very dark place, and I can't say that I'm out of that dark place. I'm very depressed, but I'm trying to appear ok. On Monday, February 29, I went to the ER, because the suicidal thoughts got to be too much and I was really afraid I was gonna act on them. I stayed in the ER, getting IV fluids and drinking Gatorade with potassium until Tuesday afternoon. I was then moved to psych ward, where I stayed until this past Friday. This stay was a little different from all my other stays. It felt different. I didn't feel connected to the other patients; I didn't even feel like we could relate to each other. I felt like an outcast, so I stuck to myself, hid in my room, as much as possible. I still went to all the groups and meals, took my meds, and talked to the staff. They changed some of my meds; I haven't felt any different. At meals, I just picked at my food and ate the bare minimum. My blood glucose plummeted one morning, and I was supper shaky and throwing up. My hands are almost always tremoring now; I can't tell if its the lack of nutrients or the new medication. The sad part about it is, I really like feeling shaky and having tremors.

The discharge directions were "pretty simple":
- Check in with the clubhouse
- Check in with the Mental health clinic
- Get into residential treatment in the next month and a half.

Simple, right?