Slow Improvements

This month has gone by so quickly, but it's been busy. I saw a new psychiatrist and am working on getting on the right meds to help my moods and anxiety. On Monday, I see a new therapist for the first time. I'm very anxious about it, but not nearly as anxious as I was about the psychiatrist. I hate doctors, and try to avoid them at ll cost. I'm slowly realizing that could get me in trouble. The nurse that did my intake at the mental health, a couple of weeks ago, told me I should visit a doctor about my blood pressure. I'm 21 years old! I can't have blood pressure problems- but this is old news, you guys. For the past 3 years, my blood pressure's been pretty high; so has my heart rate. I'm pretty sure the cause is a mixture of all my OD's, my eating issues, and extreme dehydration. There's ways to fix two of those problems- eat more and force myself to drink water. Sadly, I can't do much to fix my ODs; they already happened and I can't go back in time to start over. Besides, I probably wouldn't change a damn thing. My life hasn't been easy and probably would have been easier without all the self-injury, but I've accepted those things as they are and consider them an important part of why I am the way I am.

The eating has gotten a lot better, these past few weeks. I've been making a weekly menu, the last two weeks and writing grocery lists, which has been extremely helpful. I've been buying veggies that I really like. And when I've struggled to come up with ideas for dinners, my friends have pitched in ideas. I'm glad my friends are so supportive of me making healthier food choices. I need to stick with healthy foods more though, because my restricting and fasting normally follows nights that I binge on junk food (like last night). I wish my eating habits were more linear and stable, instead of bouncing from one end of the spectrum to the next all the time. Gosh, sounds like my mood...

Anyways, what else has been going on? As I mentioned in my last blog, I'm trying to return to school in the fall. It's not gonna be easy, because nothing seems to come easy to me, I guess. I'm struggling to figure out what I wanna do financially. I wanna go back for psychology, but I'm not sure I have the finances to complete a full degree- Well, I know I don't and don't think I will. I don't really wanna pull out student loans, because any loan scares me- actually anything that's gonna put me in long-term debt. I'm still looking at scholarships and other ways to pay for school. I'm only gonna do part-time for now. Money is such a hard thing to deal with. Making finandial decisions is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, but I've been studying budget plans and reading a book about finance, so that maybe someday I can be financially comfortable.

To help me get to a state of financial comfort, I am also coming to an end with my temporary employment position (TEP) job. I can't believe how fast it's gone by. Now that I've almost completed a TEP, I am looking to do an independent job, but it's hard to stay motivated in job searching. The staff at the clubhouse has been helping me some, but I get so discouraged, like every other day, that I've been going at this for 2 months and have only completed one application with help. My goal is to complete at least 2 applications in the next week. I'll have to remember to blog an update on that goal, next weekend!

A Quick Update

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. I currently don't have internet at home, and have been using my precious internet time for other things. In the past couple of months, my mood has been all over the place. I go several days when I am super energized and productive, but then I crash so hard and just don't feel like being around anyone.

During my good days, I've been getting a lot done. I applied for school and got accepted to start in the fall (I still have to figure out the money part...) Last week, I managed to finish one book, study what jobs would be good for my personality, and write some poetry.

On my bad days, I just shut down. I go to work and push through the day, and avoid having any real conversations. Its hard to feel such a complete switch in my mood, so regularly. I'm proud of myself for wanting to go back to school, but at the same time, I am terrified that I might fail. I've also been struggling with eating a little, especially on my bad days. Luckily, my friends have been encouraging me to eat and have even helped me pick out food, the past couple of days. I am so thankful to have such good friends that care about me and help me make healthier choices. I am also glad to have a support system through the organization that I work with. They have been so supportive and patient with me, this week. Actually, for the past year, they have been a major support for me. I don't know how I would have made it without their encouragement and extra support. I hope that I can actually get back on track with my recovery and goals. I know that with all the people who care about me and maybe a little confidence, I could get through this rough patch and start to move on with my life.