If I'm not thin, I'm not attractive.

I know plenty of people who aren’t thin, but still attractive. However, when I look in the mirror and see all the fat glued to my bones, it terrifies me. I don’t want it there, whether I’m trying to recover or not. I don’t wanna wake up in the morning and have to drag an overly heavy body out of bed. I don’t wanna walk by people and brush against them, because I’m too fat to fit. I don’t want my future husband to be disgusted by my rolls of fat. I don’t want my friends to say, “Ally’s just let herself go.”

I wanna look at myself and like what I see. And I can’t do the unless I’m underweight and thin. When I’m nothing but bones, I’ll feel good about myself and see beauty when I look in the mirror. I want that more than anything. I have a plan to lose weight and if I follow it, I’ll succeed.

First, I have a certain number of calories for each day over the next month. Second, I have a plan to start running. For the next week, I’m gonna go for a walk, each day. Then I’ll add in three days of running. Eventually, I’ll run 6 days a week. And finally, I have a reward system. For every 5 lbs I lose, I get to purchase something. The first reward is a puzzle. I can do this!!

Worries...

I am so nervous about Friday night. That's my parents date night. I asked 2 different friends if they were available to come over, but one's gonna be out of town and the other just can't do it. I dunno what I'm gonna do. I don't think my brothers will listen to me, especially the youngest. And I'm afraid of being left home alone. My therapist and I talked about practicing being home alone, but I don't think I'm ready. All I've been thinking about the past couple of days is cutting and OD-ing. I don't wanna screw up, but I sort of do. I know that makes no sense. I haven't talked to my mom about it; I'm too nervous. I don't even know how to start the conversation.

Then there's this family visit happening in 2 weeks. I'm so nervous about having more people in the house. My sister was one thing, but this is my mom's family and i feel like they don't consider me a part of the family. Which I guess I'm not biologically. But my parents did adopt me, so legally I am. It's just awkward feeling like I'm intruding on family time. Maybe I'll stay locked up in my room the whole visit. With all the anxiety I feel right now, maybe I'll stay locked up forever.

I just did my worry time and the timer went off, so I need to stop worrying. But it's so hard. My therapist is gonna be out of town the next few days too. I dunno how I'm gonna get by without being able to contact her. When did life get so tough?

July 25

This past weekend, my sister and her family came to visit. The visit was pretty good. I learned my sister needed me to talk to her and be there for her more. And she learned its hard for me to speak up and interact when there's a lot of people around and a lot of commotion. And there was a lot going on this weekend. My extroverted 8 year old brother was stealing the spotlight. He talks so much and my sister's husband is fairly extrovert; so they got along great. It was impossible for me to get any words in.

So Saturday, my sister and I went to Barnes and Noble. It was nice. I found some awesome journals and a really hard puzzle- all of it was 50% off!! Good bargain shopping! Then we sat down for some tea and cookies. I actually allowed myself to eat a cookie! I allowed myself to eat a lot this weekend. I feel like I've gained a hundred pounds. Anyways, on Sunday, my sister and I had lunch together, just us and her baby. I love spending time with her- just one-on-one time. I miss her already.

Anyways, today I had therapy. Normally, its on Thursdays, but my therapist is gonna be out of town this Thursday. We talked about picking one time a day to mindfully worry. The rest of the day put my worries away. I dunno how well its gonna work, but I'm trying. We also talked about practicing staying home alone. My parents don't leave me home alone, because I OD-ed last time. I understand their concerns. I'm nervous about staying home alone, but I'm an adult and someday, I'm gonna be living independently again; I need to practice independence skills.

My mom also wants a friend to come stay with me on Friday, while her and my dad are on a date. I'm nervous about asking anyone. But I'm trying to get past that fear and just ask. We'll be babysitting my brothers and putting them to bed. After that we're free to watch a movie or play a game or puzzle. How do I ask someone to come over without being awkward? I feel so awkward around my new friends as it is. I'm not supposed to be worrying right now. So we'll just put it on a shelf and save it for later.

How do I break free?

It's been okay the past couple of days. Still feel like I'm eating too much. And I've been sticking my fingers down my throat so much that I now have sores on my knuckles. Oh the joys of Ana. I'm struggling to maintain a stable mood and am struggling to keep up with my DBT assignments this week. My therapist is not gonna be happy with me. Its just so hard to care when everything feels like shit.

Last night, I went out with a friend. I told my mom I ate dinner with her. I said we went to Chick-fil-a. I feel terrible for lying. I didn't eat dinner. I ate some candy- which I also feel guilty for. I'm such a fat ass. A lying fat ass. I dunno why I lied. I feel like Ana's got a hold of me and I can't break free. It's like I'm in a jail cell. My brothers and I play a game, where they lock me in jail. I'm never sure why I'm going to jail, but I follow their lead and cry to be freed. That's what it feels like with Ana. I just wanna break free. I cry for her to let me go and it feels like she puts me in isolation.

What do I do? How do I break free? How do I break these chains that hold me down? How? What do I have to do to break free and live a happy healthy life? Is there even such thing?

Attachment? Abandonment?

The first two days of my plan have been alright. I ate too much today, but theres always tomorrow. Today was alright. We went grocery shopping. My mom had the list and we got stuff without me panicking. There are times when I'm standing in the store that I just wanna curl up in a ball and hide. The decisions are so hard to make. Glad my mom's here to help ease that anxiety. My little brothers are both refusing to eat dinner tonight. Its a fight with them most nights. I try to be a good example and eat my dinner. Of course, I generally purge dinner. But they don't need to know that.

Oh, tomorrow's gonna be pretty exciting. Me and a friend are gonna go see a movie! Its around dinner time, so I'll probably catch dinner with her. Hopefully, I don't have to eat too much. Its hard for me to relate to other people, but I'm trying really hard to make friends here. Even if they're just temporary friends. They could last as my friends, but its not likely. I feel like I burn through friends faster than I burn through therapist. No one ever sticks around long, and if theres a chance they will, it seems like i move several states over. Maybe I fear attachment as much as I fear abandonment.

Speaking of attachment and abandonment, I'm nervous about this whole therapy thing. I wanna grow more trust with her. From what I can see, she's good at her job and knows what she's talking about, but I'm scared if I open up to her, she'll leave or quit on me. I don't wanna lose another therapist I've grown attached to. I don't think I'm as attached to her as I was to my old therapist that quit on me. But I dunno if I wanna get that attached, ever- to anyone. Yet, I complain about feeling lonely.

New Plan

Okay, so maybe I wasn't ready to do the 2468 diet. Between cravings and trying not to make it obvious that I'm struggling with Ana, I just completely failed. I'm disappointed in myself, but I have a new plan. I'm gonna start this week at eating 800 Calories or less and running/swimming 2 times. From there, I'll subtract 50 calories each week and add an exercise time. I think I'll do alright with this. Once I get down to 450 calories, I'll stop subtracting calories and maintain by eating that amount each day. It should be easier to slowly subtract calories. Hopefully, I can get down to 70 lbs around early September.

400 Calories

Yesterday was okay, but I gave into my craving for cheetos, so I ate well over 400 calories. Today, I'm gonna do 400 again. I've already had a salad; the dressing was 130 calories. I'll just eat nothing else until dinner and try to eat something small for dinner. I don't think my parents have noticed anything off, yet. I'm sure they'll catch on pretty quickly. They're both very intelligent and my mom is very aware of changes in my routine.

I got my piercings last night, which was f***ing awesome! They're a little sore today, but I'm so excited about them! I remember when I was in hospital as a teenager, there was a girl who had a ton piercings. She had done them herself, as a way of self-harm. I can cut, but I dunno that I'd ever be able to pierce my cartilage by myself. I would need someone else to do it for me. I've thought about giving myself piercings, but i don't wanna mess it up or have it get infected.

On our way home from the piercing place, my mom talked to me about my parents next date night. Seeing I OD-ed last time, she feels like I might do it again and wants me to ask for a friend to come over to hang out with me. She wants some one to basically baby sit me. I understand why, but I don't wanna ask my friends, especially when I barely know them, to come over and baby sit me and my brothers, while my parents are out. That seems so awkward!

2468 Diet Started Yesterday

I meant to blog last night, but I had a migraine. I have so much to say, so this might get long. First let's talk about my diet. I am doing 2468 diet. I started yesterday, but I ate a little over 200 calories. I had cajun chicken and rice. I need to work on excuses to not eat dinner with my family. I tried to purge afterwards, but barely anything came up. I'm doing better today. All I've eaten is celery with peanut butter. I decided I'm not gonna count the calories of raw fruit and vegetables. So today I've had 210 calories in peanut butter. I'm gonna have to eat dinner, so I'll need to figure out the calories in whatever I decide to eat. It's leftovers night.

Now, to talking about my day, yesterday. It sucked! I had 4 appointments back to back. On top of the migraine. My first appointment was with my DBT therapist. I'm struggling to trust her with my insecurities and fears. I know I need to, if I ever wanna get past this shit. But it's hard. I wanna talk to her and be honest. But I feel so stuck and I dunno. Anyways, after that I went to the mental health clinic to get an EKG. They said something about it was abnormal and seemed concerned, but nothing looks abnormal. Maybe I don't now how to read it, but i get the basics and I don't think anythings wrong. It was probably reading my tremors.

After the EKG, I had to meet with my psychiatrist. The guy's an idiot. But maybe he's right. He told me to watch my weight- that I didn't wanna gain too much. Challenge accepted, doc! I will not gain too much weight. In fact, I'll see how much I can lose! Will that satisfy you?? It just really upset me. Because I know I think I'm fat, but I've never had a doctor or someone who's supposed to know what they're talking about tell I'm getting fat. I wish I could cut all the fat off and leave it on his doorstep. I know; I'm such a borderline.

After I met with the doc, I had to meet with my caseworker. I don't get it. I was switched to her so I wouldn't have to go as often and she's like lets meet every 2 weeks. I'm like I have a f***ing therapist already and she actually knows how to treat my illness, unlike you idiots!! I'm so pissed; I don't even wanna go back. I know I'm gonna have to, in order to stay on my meds. Maybe I'll stop taking them. I haven't even taken them today, now that I'm thinking about it. Oh well.

Right when I thought I was getting out of my funk from last week's therapy session, I get jerked back down. I feel like its never gonna end and I'm trying so hard to hold it together. But I feel like I'm starting to spiral and I can't catch a breather. And the people who are supposed to be helping me are only making it worse.

On the bright side, I'm getting some sweet piercing this weekend. I'm getting my daith piercings in both ears. It's supposed to be a trigger point and will help alleviate migraines! I'm excited; I've been wanting to get this piercing for awhile and my mom met some guys in the waiting room yesterday that had it done and they said it really worked. So at least, I have something to look forward to.

July 13

How do people live without cutting? I've been cutting for so long, I can't see life without it. I need it to survive. I wanna cut so badly right now. I'm supposed to be going out with a friend in a little bit, so its not really an ideal time to cut. Plus my mom has my scissors. I purged a few minutes ago. Every time I purge, I have this strong urge to cut. I dunno why. But I'm hanging over the toilet with stuff dripping down my face and all I wanna do sit against the wall and watch a cut bleed. I wish I had my scissors. My therapist talks about a life worth living, and says someday, I'll have it. I don't have much faith that I will.

I decided I will start counting calories. I'm just trying to settle on a number of calories. Or if I'm gonna do a different number every day. Or maybe I'll try the 2468 diet. I dunno. Today I've already fucked up, so tomorrow will be my first day of counting. I was gonna make up my own diet with a different number of calories each day, but now, I'm kinda leaning towards the 2468 diet.

Friends here. gotta go.

To listen or Not listen to Ana

I'm really struggling to manage my emotions. I'm on a roller coaster of anger, fear, betrayal and hurt. I can't figure out how to stabilize myself. On the outside I seem perfectly fine. I'm engaged in family activities and helping out around the house and taking care of my kitty. But on the inside, I have so much going on. I'm afraid if I let any of it out, I'll lose my family again. I don't wanna lose them, but if I don't get a grip on this soon, I will. I can't deal with that again. I will fall apart and have nowhere to go. No one to turn to. That scares the shit out of me.

I'm trying to be open and honest with my therapist. I want to trust her, but I'm afraid to. I wanna put up on my walls and defenses to protect myself from getting hurt again. I told her I wouldn't kill myself as long as I'm in treatment with her and that I would talk to her if I was thinking about quitting treatment. I'm not suicidal and I don't wanna give up on treatment. But I wanna know I can trust everyone involved in my treatment.

As far as Ana goes, lately she's been whispering in my ear nonstop. I'm slipping back and may start counting calories again. I know I shouldn't, but I'm struggling to not think about my weight. I currently weigh 99 lbs; that's 18.7 BMI. Its not too terrible. It could be on the higher end of "healthy". I'm glad its not, but I wanna get down to my UGW of 65 lbs. Its hard, because I live with my parents now and my mom notices every little change in my diet. So how do I make it seem like I'm eating more than I really am? I dunno. I've been throwing food out when my mom's not paying attention. She has me drink 1 nutrition shake a day. Its so hard to drink it; I feel like its loaded with calories. Sometimes, I wish Ana would shut up, but right now, she seems to be the part of me holding it all together. If I do decide to start counting calories, I'll post and update on here about my diet.

I quit

I feel like shit. I look like shit. Maybe I am shit. I don't feel like fighting my depression or Ana today. She's too strong. And what's the point? Everyone I trust is turning against me. I feel completely alone. And if weren't for the one cell in my brain that still cares, I'd be dead right now. I'm tired of fighting.

I haven't felt this much anger in awhile and I just wanna vent and I've got no one to vent to. I'm tired of everyone telling me how to fix my life. Do you think I haven't tried to fix my life? I'm 24 years old; I've been dealing with this for over ten years. I do what works. I get by. No, my methods are not ideal or perfect. If they were, Ana wouldn't be such a pain in my ass.

I know everybody thinks getting a job is gonna magically make my life better. But I had a job. It didn't do shit to make me feel better. I was continually put down by customers and reminded how worthless I was. I don't see how that's helpful. I tried to be positive on the job and tried to ignore the comments and the rude customers. I tried to work and go to school and pull myself together everyday. I still ended up depressed. I still ended up in this black hole of anger and hurt and fear and loneliness.

Going back to school didn't help. Even when I finally knew what I wanted to major in. The stress was too much. The hours were too many and I couldn't handle it. I tried to fight and pull myself together. Even on the days, I was curled up on the living room floor, panicking, I tried to talk myself into getting up and going to school. I wasn't good enough. So don't tell me a job or school is gonna fix me. Because its not.

And don't tell me to turn to God, either. He abandoned me. I needed him and where was he. I called out. I cried and he wasn't here. He was busy taking care of all the other people who needed him more. I'm alone in this. No one's here. Nothing can fix this. So just stop with the advice and suggestions. Because I'm done fighting. I don't care if I get better or not.

Betrayal...trust no one

I find it hard to trust anyone. But every once in awhile, I take a leap of faith and trust that people have what's best for me in mind. Then when they turn around and do something I was hoping they would and should have expected, I feel betrayed and defeated. I hate feeling this way. The first time I remember feeling this way, I was a kid and I trusted my brother to not tell on me. Many times I trusted him to not tell on me and he did. The problem with people is none of them are trustworthy. They all lie and cheat. I got a henna tattoo when I was 15, my brother tattled on me as soon as he could. My bio father had already spoken to me about not getting one. It was temporary, so why did it matter?? I'll never understand.

When I was 16, I started therapy. A whole new world of trust and betrayal is introduced when you enter the world of therapy. As a teenager (and even now), my therapist worked for my parents- not me. I had to watch every word I spoke, and if anything slipped, I had to face the yelling and hurtful tirade that came as a result. Things were never smooth at home, but therapy seemed to make it worse. When I quit therapy at 17, I was in Hell and had nowhere to turn. But my adopted family opened their door and invited me in. When I my emotions got the best of me and I could no longer trust them, they quickly realized they couldn't trust me either. Over the years, I've learned to get by on my own- whether by healthy or not-so-healthy ways.

One person was ever really there for me and when she betrayed me, I truly thought I was gonna die. She never went behind my back. And she stuck with me for months after I could no longer afford to see her. Why do people do this? They earn your trust and pretend they'll get you through the hard times and then bam! They stab you all over.

Anyways, I feel betrayed, today, and angry about it. And it hurts so much. My eyes are actually tearing up and I don't cry very often. I don't know who to trust anymore. I wanna trust my current therapist so badly, but I feel like her and my mom have gone behind my back and talked about me and are keeping things from me. I feel like everyone's teaming up against me. I hate it.

A Very Exhausting Fourth

I'm having a rough day. I woke up this morning with a thousand insecurities going through my mind and then went to a Fourth of July celebration where I almost passed out. Now, I'm at home sipping on some water with "Mio Fit" added to it. So where do I began?

Let's start with yesterday afternoon. My dad took my brothers and I to the pool. That suprising wasn't the problem. I didn't swim; I just sat completely covered up and watched my brothers swim. They were disappointed I wasn't in the pool with them, but they got over it pretty quickly. When we got home, my mom was sitting at the dining room table. She had mascara running down her face like she'd been crying and I could tell she was upset. I had this feeling it was something I did. I tried to tell myself that it isn't always about me and she could be upset for a million different reasons. But I was right; it was about me. She was upset and hurt that I don't trust her enough to talk to her about my urges to self-harm before acting on them. I didn't know how to respond so I didn't. I just let her vent. But how am I supposed to talk about it; I can't even put it into words most of the time. I just know I'm hurting and cutting will stop the pain for a few minutes. Anyways, that's a situation to deal with some other day.

Last night, we went to set off firework with my parents' friends. It was an okay evening. The fireworks freaked me out a little bit, but I survived. And I almost made it through the night without any awkward questions about why I exist. Right before we left, I got asked what grade I'm in. I said I was in college and of course they what I was studying and where. It was so awkward. I hate answering questions about what I'm doing with life right now. I feel like such a useless piece of shit.

So, that brings us to this morning. I just woke up feeling so insecure. How am I gonna be able to manage school and work? And am I ever gonna be able to successfully work a full time job? I'm so scared that I'm gonna return to school in a couple of years and have another breakdown, even with all the DBT. And am I gonna be able to stay on my meds without my parents help? And where am I gonna live? I have so many questions about my future and there's so much unknowns; it scares me.

Anyways, we went to a Fourth Celebration, which would have been fun, but I over-heated very quickly and almost passed out. I felt so light-headed and my vision was like looking into some sort of funhouse mirror. It was weird. We were walking and I just sat down. My parents turned around and I was just sitting on the ground. My mom walked back home to get the car, so I wouldn't have to walk home. Between my ED, meds on an empty stomach, dehydration, being on my period, there was no way I was winning today. I came home and my mom gave me a water with some "Mio Fit" and tried to take my temperature. It was too high for the thermometer to read. I'm finally cooled off now and feel a lot better. My mom said I had Heat Exhaustion. Its not the first time, I've had this happen and probably won't be the last.

My Abusive Partner

Ana’s this other part of me,
A part that takes and destroys.
She takes my strength, my happiness,
My will, my hope,
Leaving me dry, cold and empty.
She tears me down.
She’s like an abusive partner,
I can’t escape.
I love her too much to leave her,
But if I don’t leave her,
She’ll eventually kill me.
Everyone knows this and warns me,
But I don’t listen.
I need her to survive,
And she needs me.

She doesn’t just take from me though.
She takes from everyone around me.
She consumes their money,
And flushes it down the drain.
She wastes their time with her dangerous games.
She causes them worry and fear.
She destroys them through me,
Leaving them hurt and resentful.

I would do anything to break away,
If I could,
But she has control.
She knows where to poke and
How to bring me down.
She’s smarter than me and she is me;
an inner part of me that knows all
And can do all. Without her,
I am nothing. With her,
I am falling to nothing.

Review of My New Year Resolutions

It’s half-way through the year already! Unbelievable! At the beginning of the year, I came up with 6 goals or resolutions for the year. I think it’s a good time to review them. My first goal was to reach my UGW by March. I failed to do that. I am nowhere near my UGW and probably will never get there, because I suck at life. My second goal was to isolate more, because my friends suck. I might be doing ok with this one. I moved halfway across the country and never see my friends. Yay me for ruining my life and creating more problems than I can handle.

The third goal was to stick to diet plans better, and the fourth was to binge less. Well, I’m fat so those goals were obviously not accomplished. The other week, my doctor didn’t believe me when I told him I wasn’t pregnant. He ordered a pregnancy test and then ordered another one the next week. Like, wtf?!? Am I really getting that fat in the belly and hips. I’m not even sexually active; I’m just fat. I hate that everytime I go to the bathroom, I have to stop and look at my disgusting stomach. It’s so gross. It makes me wonder how gross and awful I look to other people. I just wanna curl up in a ball under my blankets and starve to death.

The last two goals, I also completely failed at. Number 5 was to not drop out of college. Everyone says I’m just taking a break, but the reality is I’ll never be able to go back. I’m not gonna be able to be a vet tech. I have tremors because of the meds I’m on. I can’t give injections with shakey hands. I had a hard enough time giving them without shaky hands. Number 6 was keep my job. Goodbye job; hello being a lazy worthless bum. At least, I didn’t get fired; I just moved away. I still feel like I failed.

Anyways, seeing I’ve already failed to accomplish any of my goals, I’m gonna come up with some new ones that might be attainable in the next 6 months.

1)Have at least 1 month Self-harm free. For me that means no cutting, purging, nor OD-ing. With the help of my therapist I think I can do it. As long as she doesn’t give up on me.

2)Stay on my meds for the next 6 months. This one sounds so simple, but it is so hard for me to do. I get so depressed and lose touch with reality and stop taking my meds and go on the Borderline spiral to failure.

3)Stay out of the hospital. Again something that has been very hard for me. With the OD-ing and ED, I spend a lot of time in hospitals. And normally that time is more harm than help. Luckily, my mom and therapist agree that keeping me out of the hospital is a priority.

I think 3 goals is good for now. Maybe I’ll try to review them more often too.

Struggles

I don't wanna fight Ana. She's stronger and louder than me. She wants to destroy me; I pray for Godly strength to fight this. I try to have faith. But Ana drags me back down to this hell. I know she's bad for me. I know she'll strip me of all hope and value, leaving me empty and alone. She'll leave me heart-broken and cold. How am I supposed to ignore her? She's more persistent than anyone else I know. She pushes until I break. She never leaves me. She won't kick me out on to the street. She's gotten me kicked out, but she stayed with me, even when I didn't have a home. I was isolated, but I had her. She's everywhere I go. Judging me. Questioning me. Slowly ripping out my insides. I hate her, but I can't feel comfort without her. I wish she would just stick daggers in me. She's gonna kill me slowly and painfully. Why does she do this? Maybe I wanna die. Maybe I'd be better off dead. Maybe everyone would be better off if I were dead.

My therapist and mom think I'm getting better, but I feel like I'm getting worse. I dunno what to do. I'm secretly throwing out food and drinks that my mom thinks I'm consuming. I'm trying to find new ways to self-harm. I OD-ed last week. I don't see progress- I see failures. Lots of failures.