Still having a difficult time

Its so hard to lose fat. Its so hard to cut out unneccessary calories. I back to under a thousand calories a day. My goal is to do under 500 calories. I'm trying so hard. I just wanna be small and thin and beautiful and perfect. I really do; I just forget sometimes. I wish I was stronger. I just need to be a little bit stronger to get down to the right weight. I haven't weighed myself in a couple of weeks. I've probably gained so much weight. I feel so fat and ugly. I need to fight my temptations a little bit more.

FAT FAT FAT

I'm so freakin fat! I completely binged last night. I ate way too much. I always eat too much. I have to start losing weight. I have to cut out calories. Why is it so hard? All I want is to be small and beautiful. I just want to show my bones. I want to look in the mirror and not feel like beating myself up. I hate myself. I hate the fat that makes my stomach bulge out and the fat that rests on my hips. Its gross. My thighs are even worse. I feel disgusting. I just wanna stop eatting, but its so hard. I've always over ate. Once I start, I can't stop.

I've been eatig way too much. Its disgusting. I need to start working out more and walking more, if I want to lose weight. So for today, I've had 250 calories. I want to keep dinner less than 300 calories, this evenng. I have to. Yesterday, I ate over 1000 calories. I haven't weighed myself in like a week. I'm terrified to know how much I weiigh. I still haven't bought my own scale and now, my bank account is pretty much empty. At least, I can't buy anymore food...

Determined

I did well again, yesterday. Less than 600 calories! My goal is less than 500 calories a day. Each day, I get closer. Today, I am slowly eating a 90 calorie granola bar that I broke into 4 pieces. I then broke 1/4 of the bar into many tiny pieces, and ate half the mini pieces when I started to feel fool. I'm also sipping peppermint tea- I never realized how good tea was until a few weeks ago. Before, I thought it had to have a ton of sugar to make it taste good (that's the southern girl in me). I was planning on the granola bar just being breakfast, but it may also be lunch at the rate, I'm eating it. Yay for filling my stomach with liquids and for slowly shrinking my stomach. Last night, I didn't sleep at all, but I had this really bad craving for a breakfast burrito. I turned up the pro-ana music and began to write down my Ana rules that I will follow and if I don't I wrote down a list of conseequences. I'm determined to be thin.

Less than 600 calories

Today, I did pretty damn good. I ate less than 600 calories and walked about 2.5 miles! I'm still sticking around 90 lbs. I got hired today as a Sales Rep for a knife company. My first paycheck will need to go to clothes (nice ones for work), and a scale (one that tells me my actual weight. Tomorrow and Saturday, I'll be in training- an excuse to eat less! Sunday, I may or may not go to church. I'm not religious, but my friend gets excited when I go with her. The only thing about church is lunch afterwards. A big group from the church goes out to eat afterwards; my friend is a part of that group, so I normally tag along. Its hard, because I never know where we're gonna go, so I can't plan my meal ahead. It always makes me anxious to eat out. I always end up eating way too much. Last time, I went to church and lunch afterwards, I snuck off to the bathroom to throw up, and then was upset when I couldn't throw up enough. I skipped the last couple of weeks, which makes me feel bad, but I had excuses- my sister was in town for my brother's wedding and last weekend, I made plans with my best friend. I don't wanna lose this church friend, or really any of my friends from her church, but I also wanna stay on track with my eating and calories....

Its been a rough couple of days. Monday, I did really well! I didn't eat all day and walked over 10 miles. But then, I completely binged yesterday. Today, I'm doing ok. I ate a skinny cow ice cream bar, a little bit ago. It was only 100 calories. I also walked to the grocery store to buy few things. I stuck to my grocery list for the most part. It was mostly stuff for my room mate, because I ate some of her food. I'm gonna be more strict and try to force myself to walk as mmuch as possible. I really wish my imind and body would allow me to fast. Maybe soon. I need my stomach to shrink, a lot! I may go for a walk later today, but I need to work on job searching and I have phone calls to make. But first, I might take a nap. I'm exhausted.

A non-Ana weekend

Never getting up on Ana again, unless I kill myself. I'm done! I don't care anymore. Nobody loves me now, so why's it matter if I'm underweight? Why's it matter if I have all my bones popping out? Why's it matter if I feel beautiful for once. YOu doon't love me now, and you're never going to. I will always be filthy to you. I will always be unworthy of your love. I will never be good enough for your screwed up God. I quit. I don't care if I die from starving myself. Its better than being constantly reminded how much people hate you. I wanna die so badly and I hope its painful.

Time to get my own scale

I weighed myself this morning with my room mates scale. 92 lbs. That's 4 fucking pounds that I've gained. Disgusting. Today was also the first day in weeks that I didn't count calories. Feel so fat and gross. Back to the weight thing- I went to a fair (the reason i didn't count calories; its so hard and gross). While I was at the fair, I stepped on a scale- 80lbs. Which scale is right? I wish it were the 80 lb one, but I really don't know. How do I figure it out? I can't use a doctor's scale. I suppose I could get my own scale. But I don't even know where too hide it. Its driving me crazy! How much do I weigh? I wanna be smaller. 80 would be so amazing and so much closer to 60. I so hate feeling huge!

Its been a really rough week. I've been eating way too much. Over the weekend, I went to my brother's wedding. I feel like I've gained ten or fifteen lbs. I haven't weighed myself in a while; I'm terrified to know the number. This week, I have to try harder to eat less. I'm out of money and don't have a job; so, hopefully, I can do it. However, I'm at Starbucks and they have a new frappuccino that I'm dying to try. I needa tell myself no, but I'm not sure I can. I freakin love frapps and this one is a cookie crumble. Its like torture to not get it. I must fight temptation. Food is my ultimate enemy; calories cannot and wil not make me happy. But the sweetness might and the caffiene might wake me up. No. I have to fight this temptation. I must fight it if I want to be beautiful. Giving into food is a sign of weakness; I must be strong and I will be better than every one else. It looks so good. I've already eaten so much today. I'm probably already over 700 calories. Why does it matter? I have a fat rib cage; I'm never gonna be perfect like my sister. But I stive to attain perfection; I can get closer to it.