Spiritual Growth

I have a job!! On Saturday, I start working at the local grocery store as a cashier. I'm very excited to start, but also nervous.

These past couple of weeks have been full of growing opportunities. In the past couple of months, I have been more open to visiting my friends churches. As I've attended church on Sundays and talked to my friends about the possibility and idea of there being a God, I have started questioning my lifestyle and all the choices I have made. At first, I would just lay there thinking about it all and read self-help books. Then my friend gave me a bible- I have had bibles in the past and read them, understanding very little and just feeling as though I was reading some sort of magical fairy tales. But I've been searching for specific answers in the bible, using a guide in the back that list topics. I have found answers to questions I had about relationships, forgiveness, hopelessness, and even money- Who knew you could find financial advice in the bible?! It seemed a little crazy at first that all this real life lessons and information could be found there. I started to pray for more guidance and actually feel like I've been blessed with such.

So about two weeks ago I started going to a Friday night study at a church nearby. Its all about eliminating bad habits and becoming more like Jesus Christ. The people there are so welcoming and seem understanding. The first week a few of the ladies and I sat around discussing questions I had about God that I hadn't quite come across the answers yet. They explained what they and directed me to where I could look in the bible to find more answers. As I read and more things become clear, I'm also finding more questions I have. However, even with all my questions, I've felt so much more open to God and this week, I even feel open to the idea of Jesus Christ. Its complicated to explain what I mean by that, but I struggle to hold on to faith and often switch between being completely against the idea of a God and leaning on faith to get me through life. This week, I came to the realization that I was never really atheist but so terrified and angry with God that I thought if I didn't believe in him, I could hide from him.

Even with this spiritual growth happening, I still do not refer to myself as Christian or a Godly woman. I am just a person, who happens to think there may be a God.

Happy Easter!!

So, it's been a busy few weeks. Since my last blog, I have filled out several job applications and even had an interview. One of the staff members at the clubhouse helped me fill out the applications and has been keeping me encouraged, which I've really been needing. The interview seemed to go well. I followed up with the manager and he said they're still thinking about me, which seemed nice! My job at Furman University is still going well- only 3 weeks left of the job. I am gonna miss some of my coworkers, but am kind of excited to start something new.

My health is so-so. I am still on the same meds and trying to accept that, even though I really disagree about that. I'm not gonna go too much into detail, but I see a psychiatrist again in may and will hopefully get them adjusted again. I have therapy again this week. I was supposed to make a list of things I wanna work on in our sessions. I haven't written the list down, but a few of the things I know I need to work on are:
1)My worrying- I worry everything- money, school, work, therapy, health, doctors,
weight, friends, family, the way people see me- Literally, it feels like
everything! I get so nervous and panicky at times. I wish I didn't- I wish I'd
just relax, but I'm so afraid of things not working out right, or something bad
might happen. Or I might give someone the wrong impression. Or what if I mess
things up with a friend. Or what if I completely relapse and lose all control of
my life. What if my health is worst than I think and I have an awful illness and
I see a doctor and they give me drugs that make it worse or cause new problems.
Or maybe I'll just not wake up one day...I know it sounds so dum to worry about
these things, but sometimes the worry just consumes me. I tried to talk to my
friends about it, today. I'm not really sure if they understand, but I know they
care.
2)Anyways, enough worrying. I also think I need to work on my
self-esteem/confidence. Its kinda tied into the worrying. I just fear that I'm
not good enough and will never do anything successfully in my life. I mean I know
logically I have plenty of things I've accomplished already. But I just get so so
scared I'm gonna fail at things that I tend to give way too easily.
I don't know what else. I'm sure I'll come up with some stuff in the next few day before therapy. And if I don't, I know my friends could list of things that are wrong with me...just kidding- well sorta.