Friday, April 29, 2016

Getting through this Season

The past couple of days have been on the rougher side. I've been struggling a lot with urges to cut and purge. I've only purged once, which is great. But I've been cutting a lot. My right thigh is now covered in cuts and my left thigh has a few cuts on it. I dunno why I'm struggling so much. I just feel so much anxiety and guilt. I feel like I should be doing more. I feel I should be able to handle the stress of school and work. I shouldn't be sitting on my ass all day and I shouldn't be burdening my adoptive parents with my problems. Or even my friends really. I'm worried about my parents finding out how much I'm cutting. I'm also worried it'll escalate to OD-ing. Because that's how it works with me. I dunno if I should just go ahead and tell my mom to hold on to my meds for me or if I should wait and see how things play out. I don't want her to worry for nothing. She struggles with anxiety too and I don't wanna trigger any more anxiety than I already do. I've thought that maybe when I go to the psychiatrist in May, I could ask him to increase my naltrexone (the endorphin blocker) to see if that helps lessen the urges to cut. But it's gonna be a new doctor, which makes me apprehensive about telling them anything. So many things to figure out. Maybe it'll get better with the DBT. I'm on a waitlist for one DBT program and I've been calling another DBT therapist daily to get on her waiting list, but she hasn't called me back. Hopefully, something will come through soon. I realize I need help, but I just don't wanna cause any worry or anxiety on my mom, or even my dad. I still feel like my dad doesn't want me here. I know it's the BPD talking, but it's hard not to feel that way. He's not doing anything to make me feel that way. In fact, he hugs me good night, every night. He talks to me about work and difficult math problems (he's really intelligent and likes challenges). He includes in adult hangout time, but I don't think he wants to. I dunno. I just feel like a burden on them. And I feel like residual emotions and thoughts from last time I was really sick are surfacing. It scares me; things could spiral really fast. I dunno what to do when things get so bad I can't handle it. I've been working on a safety plan; just hope I actually use it.

My mom just came in to tell me where all the bandages and alcohol and peroxide is. Someone figured out I'm struggling with cutting. At least, she's pretty calm about it and not judging me. She's just concerned and doesn't want anything to get infected, which is awesome. She told me that "we're gonna get through this season of life as a family." Let's hope she's right.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Staying Busy

It's been a busy few days. I got new glasses, which I'm excited about. Its nice to be able to see so clearly. I've been working on my application for Texas Medicaid the past 2 days- its a hard application to fill out. It ask so many questions; I've had to call my caseworker from back home to get some information, because I don't all of the answers to what its asking. And my mom's been helping me some.

Last night, my mom and I attended a church thing called, "Restoration". It was interesting. I had a hard time relating to anyone, seeing they were all 20-30 years older than me. But none-the-less, I listened to their testimonies and struggles and supportive words. I dunno if we'll go back. My mom is just trying to help; she wants to do everything she can to make sure I get healthy again and back on track. I feel a lot stronger. I've been eating pretty good. I've purged about 3 times in the last week and I've only cut once since being here.

Maybe I just needed a change in environment. I dunno, but something seems to be helping. I just hope I don't crash and burn again. I'm terrified I'm going to. And when I do, it'll be ugly and I'm afraid of hurting my mom. So I really need to make sure we have a safety plan. Maybe that's what I should be working on today. I don't even know where to start.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

"I Don't Know"

It's been an alright week. A few slips with purging and cutting, but I'm still alive. I'm trying to take things one day at a time and its hard to just stay in one moment, without thinking about mistakes I've already made, or the mistakes I'm scared to make. Its also been hard, because my friends ask me what I'm doing all day or where I'm going, or what my next plans are. And answering, "I don't know" is getting old for them and me. I wish I just had some sort of direction. I feel like my life's been on stand-by for months now. I've been standing- not even standing, clinging to a balance beam between stability and chaos. And I'm obviously leaning more towards the chaos. I wish I could just tell my friends what I'm doing, what the plans are for treatment, where I'm going from here, how I feel- but I don't know anything. I know how I feel and that's about it. I feel scared and anxious and overwhelmed, and hurt, and sad, and it's like an explosion of emotions is happening in my head and I'm doing my best to contain it all. I feel like no one gets that. But my family and friends- well most of them try to be understanding and encouraging. Other's seem to just tear me down. I wanna cry and I can't. I try so hard to just let it out, and I know the tears are there somewhere, because I can feel them. But I wish I could just break down and let it all out. Its like being trapped inside of a container in a microwave over. I just feel like I'm gonna burst open one day.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

April 19

Things are going pretty smooth, right now. I talked to my mom about my ED and she was really understanding and non-judgmental. She's b een very supportive and helpful. She's done a lot of research on Borderline and DBT, so that she can better advocate for me and help me be successful in treatment. She's even been researching about SSI rules and Medicaid rules to help me with that stuff. I'm so glad I have her in my corner this time. I actually feel like I have a chance to get my life back together. I haven't felt hopeful or content in awhile, so I'm struggling to trust my feelings, but am trying to just remain mindful and in the moment through all of this.

Today's the first time, they're leaving me in the house by myself for a couple of hours. Hopefully, I don't screw it up too badly. I already feel tempted to b/p while everybody's gone. I know I shouldn't, but I've been wanting to for the past week. Its the perfect chance to.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

April 16

Things are going alright. Today's the first time, I've purged since being discharged from the hospital. I made it a week and a half. I dunno why I purged, because I knew I could and no one would stop me. I haven't talked to my mom about my purging habits She doesn't know about today either. Eventually, I'll have to tell her. I'm terrified of how much weight I've gained; I dunno how long I can hold myself up and eat normal. It's nice having energy though; now, if I had interest in doing anything with my energy. My little brother wants to play with me so badly and I just sit there and watch him play or go to my room and watch Netflix. I just feel like my motivation and interest has been ripped from me. I just don't feel like doing anything or going anywhere.

As far as treatment goes, I got an appointment set up for outpatient treatment here in Texas. I'm pausing my efforts to get into the residential program. My mom has some concerns about the way the program is run and some of the reviews weren't very good. I've been having concerns, but I thought I was crazy for having them. Anyways, we're gonna look and see what options we have here and what we can do outpatient for now.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

The Hard Road

Today has been a very busy day. I've been making phone calls, scanning papers, and getting emails and faxes from the hospital and mental health center back home. I'm trying to get releases signed for the various organization and places that have worked with me to give information to the residential place I'm trying to get into for treatment. It's been pretty successful. I have two releases filled out and ready to be faxed.

My mom and I also got to talk. She's been an awesome support and encouragement. I'm still having really strong urges to cut, but I'm not talking to her about that. I'm trying to be honest about my feelings. I don't go into deep detail about the behaviors and decisions I make, I just say "I was being self destructive." She doesn't need the detail, or horrible things I've done to myself in her mind. I'm sure it's there anyways. So, today we kind of just talked about how I spiraled out of control over the past several months now, and how I ended up in the place I'm in. She says even though I've had a setback, she can see a lot of growth and change in me compared to how I handled things four years ago. She's right; I handle things a lot differently. Four years ago, I was a very angry person, and threw a lot of tantrums. I had to work through my anger, which was a hard process, but I did it and I'm glad I did. Now, I need to try to work on my self-esteem and self-confidence. I have a hard road in front of me, but at the moment, it doesn't seem as hard as the road behind me was.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Mental Health Intake Day

So this morning, I got up at 4:40 am to make it out the door by 5 for a walk-in appointment. The Mental Health Center here in Texas opens at 6 am, so I wanted to get there early to draw a number. My adoptive dad went with me. We stopped to get coffee from Starbucks. And we got to the center about 20 minutes early, so we sat in the car and waited. When we finally went in, I was given a number- 92. They start at 90, so there were 2 people in front of me. We took a seat and waited for them to start calling numbers. My dad pulled out his lap top and started working. I texted random people and looked through pictures on my phone. And looked around the room, wondering why there were so many kids not going to school today.

Eventually, they called my number and made copies of all my documentation (proof of income, proof of residency, proof of existence, etc.). Then, they told me to sit back down and wait for my last name to be called. So I waited. It didn't seem like too long before a man came out and called me. I went into his office, which was very empty and bland. No life or personality decorated his wall or book shelf. It was just plain. A diploma hung on his wall. A few diagnostic books on his book shelf. And even his desk seemed empty. It was sad.

Anyways, he asked me a bunch of questions about my mental health history. Have you ever been hospitalized? yes. Have you ever attempted suicide? yes. How many times? too many. When was the last time? A few weeks ago. Are you currently suicidal? no. Are you seeing or hearing things? no. Do you ever feel like you're really sad and then really happy for a few days? no. Are you or have you ever been homicidal? not yet.

So after asking a bunch of questions and looking over my discharge summary from my last hospitalization, he decided I was eligible for services and said someone should contact me within 10 business days to set up an appointment. So, something was accomplished today. Now, if I can get something accomplished with the residential place in the next few days. They are currently waiting for documentation from the hospital and the mental health center back home. Wish me luck!

Friday, April 8, 2016

Fears and the Current Plan

I don't know where to start. So much has happened in the past few weeks and life's gonna keep happening. I ended up OD-ing again, the other week and went back to the ER. I was readmitted to the psych hospital and stayed for 2 weeks. Even at the hospital, with all the other patients and having 24-7 supervision, I felt so alone and empty. I felt like the ED and depression had taken over and the rest of me was gone. They made some minor changes to my meds and made a new plan of action.

I'm now in Texas, staying with my adoptive family until I get into residential treatment. Hopefully, I'll get accepted soon. In the mean time, I'm gonna try to see a therapist and doc here in Texas. And have open communication with my parents. I'm already struggling with urges and I've been here for less than 24 hours. It's gonna be hard to talk about stuff with our history, but I gotta make it work. I can't lose them again. I don't wanna lose any of my support and that's what I'm afraid is gonna happen when I go to residential treatment. I'm afraid that I won't be able to communicate with my support system and will be completely alone. I don't wanna be alone. I know God's there, but he seems so distant from me lately.