Friday, May 30, 2014

My Birthday WIsh

Today I turn 22 years old. I started out about a week or two ago telling everyone my birthday was coming up. I planned a get-together with some friends and I tried to be excited for it. However, I was really nervous about; for some reason, I gett all nervous and stressed out about my birthday. One year, I shut down, annd didn't wanna celebrate it at all. Another year I cried for pretty much the whole month of may. There were a couple of year I planned to die before my birthday. But this year, I didn't plan my death, and I didn't completely shut down. I planned to celebrate, despite the anxiety that was rattling around in my mind. I don't know why I get anxious and upset around my birthday- well, I have a few ideas I miss my mom, a lot. It was the ninth anniversary of her death this past Monday. It's hard not having a Mom to call whenever I want and cry to when I need help with life's problems. Its hard to miss those moments that you cann only share with a Mom. The ones when you heart is warmed and you are calmed by your mother's wise advice. I want someone to help guide me, and that's what a Mom does. The incredible thing is I had my adoptive mom, and sometimes I wish I could still just call her everyday, or whenever I want to just say hi or to ask for advice. I tried it last weekend. ANd it was nice talking to her. She advised me on some facial products, how to care for my sick cat, and we even talked about church. It was one of those moments that I feel is often missing from my life. After I got off the phone, I felt so blessed and grateful to have my mama, but the next day, I missed her and wished I could just be close to her again.. So, m birthday wish- I know you're not supposed to tell, but I donn't care- I just wanna visit with my family. My adoptive mom and dad and brothers, as well as my biological brothers. I just wanna see them and know that they are still there. Such a silly wish to have. But it means a lot to me to have family, even though mine's pretty complicated...

Friday, May 9, 2014

Enjoy the Small Moments

So it's kind of a rough week. I started my new job, which can be stressful. But I'm trying to stay positive and enjoy each moment. I also have been staying involved in the clubhouse and trying to participate in activities, despite some discouragement. But the most exciting and wonderful moment of this week was with my sister. We went to a local university to eat dinner by the lake. It was so nice out and I loved being surrounded by the beauty. We saw a big fish swimming in the water, and the baby ducks! I also got to relax in my sister's hammock. Moments like that remind me to just take a break and appreciate all the beauty in the world. It also gave me something to think about when I got really stressed out at work.

I have had some rough moments this week with my eating disorder and self-inury tendencies, but with the encouragement I've gotten from my friends and my sister have really helped me to push through the tough moments to get to the good ones. I've never really considered myself lucky, or fortunate, but I am. I am lucky to have so many people who care about me and are there for me. I have a fortune of opportunities and friends who are there for me. Its hard to see sometimes, so I really wanna try to encourage everyone to just think of one moment this week when you laughed uncontrollably with a friend, or randomly started dancing, or saw a beautiful scene, or got to enjoy a little bit of sun, or anything that just made you smile, or laugh.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Spiritual Growth

I have a job!! On Saturday, I start working at the local grocery store as a cashier. I'm very excited to start, but also nervous.

These past couple of weeks have been full of growing opportunities. In the past couple of months, I have been more open to visiting my friends churches. As I've attended church on Sundays and talked to my friends about the possibility and idea of there being a God, I have started questioning my lifestyle and all the choices I have made. At first, I would just lay there thinking about it all and read self-help books. Then my friend gave me a bible- I have had bibles in the past and read them, understanding very little and just feeling as though I was reading some sort of magical fairy tales. But I've been searching for specific answers in the bible, using a guide in the back that list topics. I have found answers to questions I had about relationships, forgiveness, hopelessness, and even money- Who knew you could find financial advice in the bible?! It seemed a little crazy at first that all this real life lessons and information could be found there. I started to pray for more guidance and actually feel like I've been blessed with such.

So about two weeks ago I started going to a Friday night study at a church nearby. Its all about eliminating bad habits and becoming more like Jesus Christ. The people there are so welcoming and seem understanding. The first week a few of the ladies and I sat around discussing questions I had about God that I hadn't quite come across the answers yet. They explained what they and directed me to where I could look in the bible to find more answers. As I read and more things become clear, I'm also finding more questions I have. However, even with all my questions, I've felt so much more open to God and this week, I even feel open to the idea of Jesus Christ. Its complicated to explain what I mean by that, but I struggle to hold on to faith and often switch between being completely against the idea of a God and leaning on faith to get me through life. This week, I came to the realization that I was never really atheist but so terrified and angry with God that I thought if I didn't believe in him, I could hide from him.

Even with this spiritual growth happening, I still do not refer to myself as Christian or a Godly woman. I am just a person, who happens to think there may be a God.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Happy Easter!!

So, it's been a busy few weeks. Since my last blog, I have filled out several job applications and even had an interview. One of the staff members at the clubhouse helped me fill out the applications and has been keeping me encouraged, which I've really been needing. The interview seemed to go well. I followed up with the manager and he said they're still thinking about me, which seemed nice! My job at Furman University is still going well- only 3 weeks left of the job. I am gonna miss some of my coworkers, but am kind of excited to start something new.

My health is so-so. I am still on the same meds and trying to accept that, even though I really disagree about that. I'm not gonna go too much into detail, but I see a psychiatrist again in may and will hopefully get them adjusted again. I have therapy again this week. I was supposed to make a list of things I wanna work on in our sessions. I haven't written the list down, but a few of the things I know I need to work on are:
1)My worrying- I worry everything- money, school, work, therapy, health, doctors,
weight, friends, family, the way people see me- Literally, it feels like
everything! I get so nervous and panicky at times. I wish I didn't- I wish I'd
just relax, but I'm so afraid of things not working out right, or something bad
might happen. Or I might give someone the wrong impression. Or what if I mess
things up with a friend. Or what if I completely relapse and lose all control of
my life. What if my health is worst than I think and I have an awful illness and
I see a doctor and they give me drugs that make it worse or cause new problems.
Or maybe I'll just not wake up one day...I know it sounds so dum to worry about
these things, but sometimes the worry just consumes me. I tried to talk to my
friends about it, today. I'm not really sure if they understand, but I know they
care.
2)Anyways, enough worrying. I also think I need to work on my
self-esteem/confidence. Its kinda tied into the worrying. I just fear that I'm
not good enough and will never do anything successfully in my life. I mean I know
logically I have plenty of things I've accomplished already. But I just get so so
scared I'm gonna fail at things that I tend to give way too easily.
I don't know what else. I'm sure I'll come up with some stuff in the next few day before therapy. And if I don't, I know my friends could list of things that are wrong with me...just kidding- well sorta.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Slow Improvements

This month has gone by so quickly, but it's been busy. I saw a new psychiatrist and am working on getting on the right meds to help my moods and anxiety. On Monday, I see a new therapist for the first time. I'm very anxious about it, but not nearly as anxious as I was about the psychiatrist. I hate doctors, and try to avoid them at ll cost. I'm slowly realizing that could get me in trouble. The nurse that did my intake at the mental health, a couple of weeks ago, told me I should visit a doctor about my blood pressure. I'm 21 years old! I can't have blood pressure problems- but this is old news, you guys. For the past 3 years, my blood pressure's been pretty high; so has my heart rate. I'm pretty sure the cause is a mixture of all my OD's, my eating issues, and extreme dehydration. There's ways to fix two of those problems- eat more and force myself to drink water. Sadly, I can't do much to fix my ODs; they already happened and I can't go back in time to start over. Besides, I probably wouldn't change a damn thing. My life hasn't been easy and probably would have been easier without all the self-injury, but I've accepted those things as they are and consider them an important part of why I am the way I am.

The eating has gotten a lot better, these past few weeks. I've been making a weekly menu, the last two weeks and writing grocery lists, which has been extremely helpful. I've been buying veggies that I really like. And when I've struggled to come up with ideas for dinners, my friends have pitched in ideas. I'm glad my friends are so supportive of me making healthier food choices. I need to stick with healthy foods more though, because my restricting and fasting normally follows nights that I binge on junk food (like last night). I wish my eating habits were more linear and stable, instead of bouncing from one end of the spectrum to the next all the time. Gosh, sounds like my mood...

Anyways, what else has been going on? As I mentioned in my last blog, I'm trying to return to school in the fall. It's not gonna be easy, because nothing seems to come easy to me, I guess. I'm struggling to figure out what I wanna do financially. I wanna go back for psychology, but I'm not sure I have the finances to complete a full degree- Well, I know I don't and don't think I will. I don't really wanna pull out student loans, because any loan scares me- actually anything that's gonna put me in long-term debt. I'm still looking at scholarships and other ways to pay for school. I'm only gonna do part-time for now. Money is such a hard thing to deal with. Making finandial decisions is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, but I've been studying budget plans and reading a book about finance, so that maybe someday I can be financially comfortable.

To help me get to a state of financial comfort, I am also coming to an end with my temporary employment position (TEP) job. I can't believe how fast it's gone by. Now that I've almost completed a TEP, I am looking to do an independent job, but it's hard to stay motivated in job searching. The staff at the clubhouse has been helping me some, but I get so discouraged, like every other day, that I've been going at this for 2 months and have only completed one application with help. My goal is to complete at least 2 applications in the next week. I'll have to remember to blog an update on that goal, next weekend!

Thursday, March 6, 2014

A Quick Update

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. I currently don't have internet at home, and have been using my precious internet time for other things. In the past couple of months, my mood has been all over the place. I go several days when I am super energized and productive, but then I crash so hard and just don't feel like being around anyone.

During my good days, I've been getting a lot done. I applied for school and got accepted to start in the fall (I still have to figure out the money part...) Last week, I managed to finish one book, study what jobs would be good for my personality, and write some poetry.

On my bad days, I just shut down. I go to work and push through the day, and avoid having any real conversations. Its hard to feel such a complete switch in my mood, so regularly. I'm proud of myself for wanting to go back to school, but at the same time, I am terrified that I might fail. I've also been struggling with eating a little, especially on my bad days. Luckily, my friends have been encouraging me to eat and have even helped me pick out food, the past couple of days. I am so thankful to have such good friends that care about me and help me make healthier choices. I am also glad to have a support system through the organization that I work with. They have been so supportive and patient with me, this week. Actually, for the past year, they have been a major support for me. I don't know how I would have made it without their encouragement and extra support. I hope that I can actually get back on track with my recovery and goals. I know that with all the people who care about me and maybe a little confidence, I could get through this rough patch and start to move on with my life.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Summary of my Last Hospitalization

Two blogs ago, I talked about being really stressed out- not much has changed. In that blog, I listed everything stressing me out, including trying to be good enough for my friends and a road trip. The road trip went really well. I got to my biological siblings and my adoptive family and some old friends- all good stuff. I really had nothing to worry about, but I’m just always anxious about not knowing exactly what to expect. Anyways, I’m still not good enough for my friends, but at the same time, that might be a good thing, because I’m not sure I can trust them anyways.

In that same blog, I talked about the last three Januarys and the difficulties I’ve had, each year. This is a blog I wrote originally on February 5th and kind of a follow-up on that:

It’s been a whole year since I was discharged from my last hospitalization. That hospitalization was bittersweet. I went in due to severe depression and anxiety, suicidal ideations, refusing to eat, and not taking my prescribed medications. I was committed, involuntary hospitalization. By that point, I had realized that even if I went voluntarily, they’d put down involuntary, because of my history.
My first week in the hospital, I avoided all eye contact and cried, a lot. The only time I really spoke, people barely heard me, because I didn’t have the energy to speak up. I continued to eat as little as possible and argued with the nurses and doctors about food. When I finally did eat, I forced it back out of me, purging and then sitting on the bathroom floor crying. I took anything and everything I could find that was sharp enough to cut my skin. I’d sit in my bed, covering my stuffed monkey’s face to protect him from the pain I felt. I’d fallen so deep into my own depression and didn’t plan to find a way out. Instead I thought about ways I could end my life inside the hospital, or ways to escape the hospital, only to end my life.

Lost in my head and harming my body, the doctor thought it’d be best to put me in the Intensive Management Unit- IMU. This is where the really, really sick people go. Most- no, all of the people in this unit were far sicker than me. They were so out of touch with reality. I guess I was in a way, but I was there due to my self-injury and lack of care for my body. I was in this unit for about a week. The rules were stricter. No going to my room for one hour after each meal. I had to stay in sight of the nurse’s station. I wasn’t allowed to go to groups until I’d gained some sort of trust. I had to be weighed daily. Once I was allowed to go to groups, I had to be escorted.

When they weren’t creating new rules for me, they were threatening me with isolation and feeding tubes. Most of the threats were BS, but my goal was to be released so that I could end my own life. I didn’t really hide my plans; I was open and honest. I didn’t want to be anywhere and I didn’t want to be alive. I had no future (I dunno if anything’s changed on that subject). I was hopeless and horrified of that fact. Eventually, the meds kicked in and I started to come out of my darkness. It was supposed to be a good thing, but it made me realize how afraid I was of the other patients. I won’t go into detail, but I did not feel comfortable and was terrified of the men in IMU.

Because I was eating and starting to level out emotionally, as well as not feeling safe in IMU, I was moved back to the normal adult psychiatric unit. I had my court date, where they found me incapable of making healthy decisions when it came to my medical care. They put all my decision-making into the doctor’s hands. After my court date, I was there for about a week and a half more, while they tried to decide what to do with me. Through a lot of pushing and contemplation, the decision was made- I was going to give Gateway, a shot. I’d be going to therapy, DBT, seeing a doctor, and spending most of my days in some sort of long term day treatment-type thing.
A year later, my court-order has ended. I haven’t been to an actual therapy session in several months, and I’m still going to Gateway. A lot has changed- my circumstances have changed, some of my thoughts have changed, and I have a few new dreams (dreams and nothing more).

Saturday, January 25, 2014

A lot of rambling thoughts

There's so much I've been wanting to blog about, but it's gonna have to wait. I have something on my mind at this moment that I just feel I need to share. I'm struggling with a lot of insecurities, right now. That's not really anything new, but I feel so conflicted and confused with everything, lately. I don't know where to start with this blog, because my thought are everywhere. I dunno where the beginning is, so I apologize if this blog gets too long.

As many of you know from reading my blog and just from knowing me, I've had my struggles with family, friends, mental illness- blah blah blah... This is hard to write about because I don't like to talk about things that I've tried very hard to hide. I want to start by saying I'm sorry to everyone I've lied to, everyone I've hurt, and just everyone. I know so far I just sound overly apologetic. It's because I'm scared of the judgements and problems that could stir up from this blog.

2012 was one hell of a year and most of my life I feel like has been hell. I've made a lot of bad choices, most of which made me very suicidal. I felt guilty for screaming hurtful things at a family that loved me even though I wasn't apart of the family. I felt guilty and still do for lying to them, putting myself in danger, causing them to feel unsafe, and there's just so much more that I can't begin to talk about. When I moved in with my adoptive family, I wanted to be rescued from the pain of losing my mom, the fears that I wasn't loved or wanted, the anxiety of growing up and not being able to take care of myself- no one could save me from these things. I realized that no matter what I did or where I went, this misery would follow. I wanted it to go away so badly. I don't know why I couldn't communicate these things, but I was so afraid that something must have been wrong with me- and to a degree, I was right, wasn't I? I had a mental illness. And I know in recovery that you shouldn't think that mental illness is wrong- But it is. It's very wrong, and it makes me feel wrong every fucking day!

I didn't start this blog to cry about being "abandoned" or to go into detail of all the shitty things I did. I wrote this blog, because the person I trusted more than anyone in the midst of all this emailed me this evening. I used to email her, but I gave up. She wanted nothing to do with me, or that's how it seemed. Her emailing me means a lot to me. It means she still cares. She asked how i was doing. I started typing about how I'm working on getting a car, and finding an independent job, and feeling more confident. But as i typed, I became less and less confident. She was my therapist, so I felt giving an update on my recovery and treatment was reasonable. Here it goes:

"My court order ended this month, so I guess I don't have to go to therapy or see the "doctor" anymore. I haven't actually been to therapy since August, anyways... (I'm not confident enough to put this part in)...Its all okay, though, because I'm actually doing really well. I have accepted my past as it is and have left my future open to possibilities- very, very open. And I even weigh 25 lbs more than I did a year ago...but I try not to think about it too much. Yeah, so life is good. I'm back to being someone's little success story, and the family is sorta starting to like me again."

I stopped there, because I felt overwhelmed with my thoughts. My court order did end this month which is a good thing; i guess it means the court thinks I became competent in the past year?. According to the court order I was supposed to go to therapy once a month and see a doctor every month, but I haven't been doing that. I have valid reasons for this. The therapist, I'm supposed to be seeing isn't a good fit. Her personality just...sucks! I'm sure there's something good about her, however it's not her job. And the "doctor"- the oh-so-lovely doctor, who isn't a doctor. I don't actually have a psychiatrist; I have a nurse practitioner, and I just disagree with her in what medications work for me. I'm not going into it.

In my email to my former therapist, I wanted to sound like I was doing well, and I am in some ways, which I tried to convince her and myself that after I stated things that I'm not ready to discuss on here. Don't worry, it's not life-threatening, or bodily damage, or anything illegal. Just I feel like people would disagree with me and hate me for certain choices I have made. Continuing on, I tried explaining that I have accepted the past- okay, no one really ever accepts the past, but wouldn't it be nice? The whole open future thing was a little- especially, seeing I'm not looking at the future right now, because the future seems like an awful place to be. I then thought I could talk about how I've gained a lot weight and I actually had fat on me, but then that freaked me out and made me- okay, I really don't wanna think about my weight right now.

I decided to just give up on the email, especially after I typed the last part about being a success story. Which I'm not a success story, at least hope nobody uses me as their success story- because I make a really shitty success story. Anyways, I'm glad I could vent to who ever the hell has time to read this. I'm feeling a little bit more at ease surprisingly. But I still haven't sent an email and have no idea what to say. The problem, I want her to be my therapist, but I know she's not my therapist and can't be my therapist. I understand why, but it still sucks. She was a really good therapist, and good therapists are really fucking hard to find.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Stress, Anxiety, and More Stress!

I wanted to blog today, before I leave for a road trip with my sister. I'm not taking my lap top and will be free from social media for a few day; I will have my phone, but it's one of those "dumb" phones (and how much I love having an excuse to not be on social media 24-7!)

Anyways, I've been stressing about everything lately; like yesterday, when I was stressed out about being stressed out! Grrrrr... Due to my stress, I've been getting migraines like every other day- Lovely... Hopefully I can just chill and enjoy time with all my siblings and friends this weekend!!

So, yesterday, during my Thursday Yoga Class, I was too stressed and overwhelmed to get to a peaceful state. I started to reflect and think about what was stressing me out, and there was a long list:
1) Trying to be good enough for my friends (which realistically is never gonna
happen, because they want super woman to be their friend- not a human)
2) I have become completely and totally unorganized...I've been trying so hard to
get organized, but it's hard...by the way, does anyone need shorts? I have bag
full of shorts and a few shirts that are to big for me. If not, they are off
to Good Will in the next week or two
3) I get nervous about trips, but who doesn't?
4) Work started back this past week, and I'm trying to get a routine.
5) A friend passed away...he was such a sweet person; drove me nuts at times and
annoyed the crap out of me, but was always happy and friendly, even when I was
being a total bitch!
6) This list can go on and on, but I'm leaving soon and need to organize last minute things...

Basically, I'm just overly anxious and worried and stressing myself out. While I was reflecting all this yesterday, I realized that January is a really really hard month.. I dunno why, but every January, I seem to just hit a breaking point. I don't really remember 4 years ago or any January before that. But 3 years ago was my first car accident that triggered my depression and anxiety to spiral completely out of Control. Then the past two years, I spent January hospitalized- Go me... This year, luckily, I'm not in the hospital, I weigh 20 pounds more (BTW), and I'm mostly functional...Sounds good!

Oh and my gym goal...I'm planning for Tuesday. My gym buddy and I have planned to go together..Now for the follow through!

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Moved past one fear...now for some stress relief!

I baked a cake this week and decorated it! It was so much fun. I baked it for my friend's birthday. She wanted a "Kermit the Frog" Cake, so I used fondant to create Kermit's face. I places it on top of purple frosting. The cake was vanilla gluten free cake. I'm so proud of my self; it turned out really cute. I'm gonna make another cake, or two, next week, for my other friends' birthdays.

I still haven't made it to the gym and probably won't this week. I need a car, so badly! I go back to work, this week and next weekend, I'm supposed visit my older brother and his wife for their baby shower!! I'm excited to see them. It's gonna be a busy week. But my goal for the week is to practice stress-relief activities. I've been trying to spend a few minutes every night, reflecting on the day. I'm trying to be better about calming myself down before bed. This week, I'm gonna work on doing just 5-10 minute of meditation, or yoga, each day. I also got myself some stress relief tea!!

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Struggles to lift my spirit

I did not make it to the gym this week, but I did do yoga on Thursday. While I’m extremely disappointed in myself, I am excited that my gym buddy is back in town and am hoping she’ll encourage me to get to the gym. In the meantime, I’ve been cleaning and organizing my apartment. Well, I’ve been organizing my thoughts, mostly. Trying. I just wanna be healthy and feel positive. Right now, I feel very blah. So, I’ve been trying to think of things that would lift my spirits. My list of things that might make me feel a little better: organization (which my apartment desperately needs), working out (it should be easy, but it’s not), and decorating cakes.

I’m really anxious about baking and just food in general. I used to love to bake, but anorexia and this healthy food obsession has gotten in the way. I wanna feel good about decorating cakes. But I don’t. At one point, I really thought about going to culinary school and working in a bakery. I wanted to; I never will, but I wish I could move past this anxiety over food. I just get stressed out about the calories, the fat, the sugar, how it’ll affect my body, how much is okay to eat….and it just goes on and on. Then, I just say forget it. So, I probably won’t actually decorate cakes, but it’s a nice dream. Now, that typing this blog has triggered anxiety, I’m gonna go find something to organize or clean.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

2014 Resolution

Last year, I didn’t bother coming up with a New Year resolution, or goal, or anything. I was far too depressed and didn’t think I’d be alive for the majority of the year. Now, one year later, I’m still alive and have made many changes to my life in 2013. This year is a little different, because I’m not planning to die. So I felt like I was supposed to come up with some sort of goal for the year. I’ve thought about it a lot. I tried not to, but everyone’s obsessed with new year resolutions, and it all seems to have to do with dieting and weight. My weight is actually at a healthy BMI and as big as I feel, I’m not gonna screw with it. And seeing I change my diet weekly anyways and am constantly trying to figure out how to eat healthier, I decided I didn’t really need extra motivation to over focus on my diet. Working out is another popular resolution, which is one I could do. I got a gym membership, a month ago, and really wanna go two or three times a week. The problem that I’m running into is it’s cold outside and I don’t wanna walk there. So, it’s not gonna happen until I get a car.

After a lot of considering, developing ideas, throwing ideas out and developing new ones, I finally came up with something. My new year resolution is to come up with smaller goals and following through with them. I’ve realized that I often come up with goals and over detailed plans for what I wanna do with my life, but I rarely follow through. I give up after a few weeks and then feel guilty and upset that I can’t accomplish anything. However if I have a smaller goal that I can accomplish within a few days or a week, I’ll feel good when I accomplish a goal.

My first goal is to make it to the gym at least once this week. I’d like to work out at least 3 times a week, but I’m trying to accept that right now, it’s not a realistic expectation for myself. Maybe once I have a car, or when it gets warmer out (and when it stays light out longer), I’ll be able to work out more. For now, I’ll go when I’m able to and try to make it there, once a week.