A lot of rambling thoughts

There's so much I've been wanting to blog about, but it's gonna have to wait. I have something on my mind at this moment that I just feel I need to share. I'm struggling with a lot of insecurities, right now. That's not really anything new, but I feel so conflicted and confused with everything, lately. I don't know where to start with this blog, because my thought are everywhere. I dunno where the beginning is, so I apologize if this blog gets too long.

As many of you know from reading my blog and just from knowing me, I've had my struggles with family, friends, mental illness- blah blah blah... This is hard to write about because I don't like to talk about things that I've tried very hard to hide. I want to start by saying I'm sorry to everyone I've lied to, everyone I've hurt, and just everyone. I know so far I just sound overly apologetic. It's because I'm scared of the judgements and problems that could stir up from this blog.

2012 was one hell of a year and most of my life I feel like has been hell. I've made a lot of bad choices, most of which made me very suicidal. I felt guilty for screaming hurtful things at a family that loved me even though I wasn't apart of the family. I felt guilty and still do for lying to them, putting myself in danger, causing them to feel unsafe, and there's just so much more that I can't begin to talk about. When I moved in with my adoptive family, I wanted to be rescued from the pain of losing my mom, the fears that I wasn't loved or wanted, the anxiety of growing up and not being able to take care of myself- no one could save me from these things. I realized that no matter what I did or where I went, this misery would follow. I wanted it to go away so badly. I don't know why I couldn't communicate these things, but I was so afraid that something must have been wrong with me- and to a degree, I was right, wasn't I? I had a mental illness. And I know in recovery that you shouldn't think that mental illness is wrong- But it is. It's very wrong, and it makes me feel wrong every fucking day!

I didn't start this blog to cry about being "abandoned" or to go into detail of all the shitty things I did. I wrote this blog, because the person I trusted more than anyone in the midst of all this emailed me this evening. I used to email her, but I gave up. She wanted nothing to do with me, or that's how it seemed. Her emailing me means a lot to me. It means she still cares. She asked how i was doing. I started typing about how I'm working on getting a car, and finding an independent job, and feeling more confident. But as i typed, I became less and less confident. She was my therapist, so I felt giving an update on my recovery and treatment was reasonable. Here it goes:

"My court order ended this month, so I guess I don't have to go to therapy or see the "doctor" anymore. I haven't actually been to therapy since August, anyways... (I'm not confident enough to put this part in)...Its all okay, though, because I'm actually doing really well. I have accepted my past as it is and have left my future open to possibilities- very, very open. And I even weigh 25 lbs more than I did a year ago...but I try not to think about it too much. Yeah, so life is good. I'm back to being someone's little success story, and the family is sorta starting to like me again."

I stopped there, because I felt overwhelmed with my thoughts. My court order did end this month which is a good thing; i guess it means the court thinks I became competent in the past year?. According to the court order I was supposed to go to therapy once a month and see a doctor every month, but I haven't been doing that. I have valid reasons for this. The therapist, I'm supposed to be seeing isn't a good fit. Her personality just...sucks! I'm sure there's something good about her, however it's not her job. And the "doctor"- the oh-so-lovely doctor, who isn't a doctor. I don't actually have a psychiatrist; I have a nurse practitioner, and I just disagree with her in what medications work for me. I'm not going into it.

In my email to my former therapist, I wanted to sound like I was doing well, and I am in some ways, which I tried to convince her and myself that after I stated things that I'm not ready to discuss on here. Don't worry, it's not life-threatening, or bodily damage, or anything illegal. Just I feel like people would disagree with me and hate me for certain choices I have made. Continuing on, I tried explaining that I have accepted the past- okay, no one really ever accepts the past, but wouldn't it be nice? The whole open future thing was a little- especially, seeing I'm not looking at the future right now, because the future seems like an awful place to be. I then thought I could talk about how I've gained a lot weight and I actually had fat on me, but then that freaked me out and made me- okay, I really don't wanna think about my weight right now.

I decided to just give up on the email, especially after I typed the last part about being a success story. Which I'm not a success story, at least hope nobody uses me as their success story- because I make a really shitty success story. Anyways, I'm glad I could vent to who ever the hell has time to read this. I'm feeling a little bit more at ease surprisingly. But I still haven't sent an email and have no idea what to say. The problem, I want her to be my therapist, but I know she's not my therapist and can't be my therapist. I understand why, but it still sucks. She was a really good therapist, and good therapists are really fucking hard to find.

Stress, Anxiety, and More Stress!

I wanted to blog today, before I leave for a road trip with my sister. I'm not taking my lap top and will be free from social media for a few day; I will have my phone, but it's one of those "dumb" phones (and how much I love having an excuse to not be on social media 24-7!)

Anyways, I've been stressing about everything lately; like yesterday, when I was stressed out about being stressed out! Grrrrr... Due to my stress, I've been getting migraines like every other day- Lovely... Hopefully I can just chill and enjoy time with all my siblings and friends this weekend!!

So, yesterday, during my Thursday Yoga Class, I was too stressed and overwhelmed to get to a peaceful state. I started to reflect and think about what was stressing me out, and there was a long list:
1) Trying to be good enough for my friends (which realistically is never gonna
happen, because they want super woman to be their friend- not a human)
2) I have become completely and totally unorganized...I've been trying so hard to
get organized, but it's hard...by the way, does anyone need shorts? I have bag
full of shorts and a few shirts that are to big for me. If not, they are off
to Good Will in the next week or two
3) I get nervous about trips, but who doesn't?
4) Work started back this past week, and I'm trying to get a routine.
5) A friend passed away...he was such a sweet person; drove me nuts at times and
annoyed the crap out of me, but was always happy and friendly, even when I was
being a total bitch!
6) This list can go on and on, but I'm leaving soon and need to organize last minute things...

Basically, I'm just overly anxious and worried and stressing myself out. While I was reflecting all this yesterday, I realized that January is a really really hard month.. I dunno why, but every January, I seem to just hit a breaking point. I don't really remember 4 years ago or any January before that. But 3 years ago was my first car accident that triggered my depression and anxiety to spiral completely out of Control. Then the past two years, I spent January hospitalized- Go me... This year, luckily, I'm not in the hospital, I weigh 20 pounds more (BTW), and I'm mostly functional...Sounds good!

Oh and my gym goal...I'm planning for Tuesday. My gym buddy and I have planned to go together..Now for the follow through!

Moved past one fear...now for some stress relief!

I baked a cake this week and decorated it! It was so much fun. I baked it for my friend's birthday. She wanted a "Kermit the Frog" Cake, so I used fondant to create Kermit's face. I places it on top of purple frosting. The cake was vanilla gluten free cake. I'm so proud of my self; it turned out really cute. I'm gonna make another cake, or two, next week, for my other friends' birthdays.

I still haven't made it to the gym and probably won't this week. I need a car, so badly! I go back to work, this week and next weekend, I'm supposed visit my older brother and his wife for their baby shower!! I'm excited to see them. It's gonna be a busy week. But my goal for the week is to practice stress-relief activities. I've been trying to spend a few minutes every night, reflecting on the day. I'm trying to be better about calming myself down before bed. This week, I'm gonna work on doing just 5-10 minute of meditation, or yoga, each day. I also got myself some stress relief tea!!

Struggles to lift my spirit

I did not make it to the gym this week, but I did do yoga on Thursday. While I’m extremely disappointed in myself, I am excited that my gym buddy is back in town and am hoping she’ll encourage me to get to the gym. In the meantime, I’ve been cleaning and organizing my apartment. Well, I’ve been organizing my thoughts, mostly. Trying. I just wanna be healthy and feel positive. Right now, I feel very blah. So, I’ve been trying to think of things that would lift my spirits. My list of things that might make me feel a little better: organization (which my apartment desperately needs), working out (it should be easy, but it’s not), and decorating cakes.

I’m really anxious about baking and just food in general. I used to love to bake, but anorexia and this healthy food obsession has gotten in the way. I wanna feel good about decorating cakes. But I don’t. At one point, I really thought about going to culinary school and working in a bakery. I wanted to; I never will, but I wish I could move past this anxiety over food. I just get stressed out about the calories, the fat, the sugar, how it’ll affect my body, how much is okay to eat….and it just goes on and on. Then, I just say forget it. So, I probably won’t actually decorate cakes, but it’s a nice dream. Now, that typing this blog has triggered anxiety, I’m gonna go find something to organize or clean.

2014 Resolution

Last year, I didn’t bother coming up with a New Year resolution, or goal, or anything. I was far too depressed and didn’t think I’d be alive for the majority of the year. Now, one year later, I’m still alive and have made many changes to my life in 2013. This year is a little different, because I’m not planning to die. So I felt like I was supposed to come up with some sort of goal for the year. I’ve thought about it a lot. I tried not to, but everyone’s obsessed with new year resolutions, and it all seems to have to do with dieting and weight. My weight is actually at a healthy BMI and as big as I feel, I’m not gonna screw with it. And seeing I change my diet weekly anyways and am constantly trying to figure out how to eat healthier, I decided I didn’t really need extra motivation to over focus on my diet. Working out is another popular resolution, which is one I could do. I got a gym membership, a month ago, and really wanna go two or three times a week. The problem that I’m running into is it’s cold outside and I don’t wanna walk there. So, it’s not gonna happen until I get a car.

After a lot of considering, developing ideas, throwing ideas out and developing new ones, I finally came up with something. My new year resolution is to come up with smaller goals and following through with them. I’ve realized that I often come up with goals and over detailed plans for what I wanna do with my life, but I rarely follow through. I give up after a few weeks and then feel guilty and upset that I can’t accomplish anything. However if I have a smaller goal that I can accomplish within a few days or a week, I’ll feel good when I accomplish a goal.

My first goal is to make it to the gym at least once this week. I’d like to work out at least 3 times a week, but I’m trying to accept that right now, it’s not a realistic expectation for myself. Maybe once I have a car, or when it gets warmer out (and when it stays light out longer), I’ll be able to work out more. For now, I’ll go when I’m able to and try to make it there, once a week.