21 and starting to live out a future!

I'm confused and amazed all at once that I am 21, today. Confused, because I didn't think I'd make it to 21, let alone 20. One year ago, I would have died, early this morning, if it weren't for two of my very best friends and the best therapist that I've ever gotten to work with! They knew that I was planning an intricate suicide. Rachel kept me distracted and entertained with a birthday cake that my cat wanted to eat on the 29th. On the 30th, I spent the day with Andi, and she took me to get ice cream, and to go to therapy. Therapy on your birthday doesn't sound like a good idea, but I think it was last year. It kept me alive!

This year, I had no plan to end my life, yesterday or today. In fact, this year, I've been focusing on eating healthier (and actually eating!), finding a job, and I've even been thinking about writing books and going back to school. When I dropped out, I thought that was the end of my education, but I'm gonna return to school in the next couple of years, and am hoping to publish my first book in the next year or two. I can't believe I dreams and hopes. I mean I guess at some point in my life I had dreams of what I wanted to do when I grew up. Now, I'm grown up and actually planning and organizing to achieve things. It's just cool. I just realized this blog is a lot shorter than what I originally wrote, but I'm gonna use what I wrote before, later.

This is what's next!

So, here's the deal. I've relapsed. There's no quesion about it. I started to restrict. I've been having the uges and thoughts to self-harm. I even have moments that I start to plan my own death.

But that does not mean recovery is over! I can do this. I'mm gonna need encouragement and reminders, but I know what I want. I want to be successful as a DBT therapist. I wanna help others that are struggling with the same issues. I wanna teach people that BPD doesn't make a person hopeless. It's treatable; I know it is. With DBT, a support system, the right meds, I can recover, just like anyone else with a menal illness. And just like people with other mental illness, I'm gonna relapse. I'm gonna fall and struggle, but I'm also gonna grow stronger and fight for myself and show others that BPD is not a curse. It doesn't doom you for life. In fact, I think my struggles with BPD and anorexia and cutting- and everything has given me purpose and a dream.

So, here's what is next: I'm gonna eat. There's gonna be days here I restrict. I'm gonna feel alone and hopeless at times. Butt then, I'll feel confident and see hope for my future. I'm gonna visit my family and friends in June. And while I enjoy myself, I'm gonna be mindful that this is a new moment and I have control over this moment. And when I feel triggered and scared, I'm gonna remind myself to be mindful and that I only have control over what's in this moment. Then, when I get back home, I'm gonna get my finances in order, and get ready to return to school. When I return to school, I'm gonna kick ass and study hard. And when I start to struggle, I'm gonna lean on my support system while being mindful of boundaries. WHen I'm doing great, I'm gonna be others' support while being assertive about my own boundaries. I'm gonna be awesome, because I am more than a mental illness and am fighting it!

So, yes, I fell and will probably fall a hundred more times, but I'm getting up and coming back with more confidence and strength every time!

What it feels like to relapse...

Relapse sucks! Recovery sucks! Everything just sucks. Relapsing means convincing yourself that all the work that you've done doesn't matter at all. For me, that's 4 months of nonstop work on recovery. Sticky notes, reminding me to take my meds don't is just a waste of paper. Worksheets and diagrams, and even my journals a waste. The weight-the pounds of fat that only I seem to be able to see. The disgusting image I have of myself was all meaningless. I could have continued working towards what I find beautiful. I could have kept up with my bills, wasted less money on sugar and fat. It was all to be healthy, functional. Health is down the drain. I restrict and restrict. I eat as little as possible. When I eat and I actually enjoy the flavor of the food, I tell myself that I must go purge. I haven't. I still have this part of me fighting to get back up. Fighting to remain in recovery. But the thing about relapse is: no matter how small or big the relapse, it seems like recovery was never there. Its like an addiction. Once, you have that drug, you've lost touch with a recovery goal. All that's left is you and that drug. My drug is Ana. And I wanna be Ana, but I also wanna be free. Logically, I know they can't coexist. But Ana will always be there, which means I'll never really be free. I wanna take Ana out of the equation. I wanna take cutting and suicide and fucking BPD out of the equation, but subtracting them scares me, because it leaves an imaginary number- and i hate those imaginary numbers, because they still make no sense to me!

So where do I go from here? I have no idea. I wanna hold it together. My progress with recovery has made it possible for my adoptive parents to forgive me and let me visit them and my new baby brother in June. My progress has shown people that I'm not just a liability problem. I've been able to communicate effectively with my sister. It's like I wanna make it through June before completely falling apart. The question is: Why can't I just get back to progressing in recovery? Its so complicated. I'm still doing worksheets and really thinking things through. Its like I'm working on all the interpersonal effectiveness skills and doing so well, but so not well at the same time. Like I'm asking for simple thing. I'm being assertive about day-to-day tasks, but I avoid conversations about me or my relapse. I don't feel comfortable talking about it. Writing about about it, I can do all day. My mindfulness and emotion regulation skills are slipping. I got distress tolerance down! Especially, the skill of distracting myself. Whenever I'm starting to think about food, I just dive into an activity, or worksheets, or books- anything to just take myself away from calories.

I guess I'm suppose to just keep going. I should review my goals. I have so many goals that I really wanna achieve and I know I can if I had the strength and confidence to. Its so hard because I get trapped in the thoughts and urges...I'm really not sure what to do. I'm done typing.

Relapse in honor of the MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS

I'm feeling quite conflicted about my recovery, today. My mind just keeps repeating, "If you can't do it right, then don't do it at all." This week, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. It's so hard for me to understand, because last week, I felt hopeful and strong. Now, I just feel like the stregth has been ripped out of me.

I just want everyone to know that I don't want to be the way I am, right now. I wanna be strong and confident and able to hold myself together. I wanna be independent and successful. It's hard to be that way when it feels like others continually put you down. I'm tired of being sorry for being intelligent and for doing what I feel is best for me. Sometimes,, I wish so badly I didn't know anything. I more than often, think about how if I stopped eating, started drinking and doing drug, or just banged my head on the wall, I might kill my brain cells. Maybe I'd kill the ones that regulate emotions and will be numb and able to focus on knowledge, and go back to school. Or maybe the ones that control my intelligence will shrivel and die. Then I'll finally be hopeless and worthless, the way mental health professionals see me.

I've also thought about maybe if I took my life, leaving behind journals, someone will finally listen to me. I dunno why its so hard to listen to me. I'm just as important as anyone else and deserve the same respect! Today, I was cooking with a deaf guy and realized that he was able to understand me better than people who can hear.

It's interesting that in all these mental health videos and articles, they talk about how important support systems are for recovery, but I'm expected to go through recovery all on my own. Actually, I'm expected to not recover because I have borderline personality disorder. Well, just to let all of you know, it is a MENTAL ILLNESS, and through research, they are finding a genetic connection to the ILLNESS. It may be harder to treat than fucking bipolar or schizophrenia, but IT CAN BE TREATED!!!!!!! If mental health PROFESSIONALS would get their heads out of their asses and actually listen to their clients/patients/members-whatever the fuck you wanna call them, people like me would recover. Its so frustrating how I get no support from my TREATMENT TEAM- YES, TREATMENT, BECAUSE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER IS AN ILLNESS IN YOUR STUPID DIAGNOSTIC BOOK. I may not be perfect, or even good enough, but I've been trying my best to not completely relapse. So from now on, fuck off if you're against me recovering. Or you might as well, buy me the pills! I'm done with this bullshit. I have put all my effort forth and am getting to my breaking point.

As far as, Ana goes- I'm done! I can't do it. I've been trying so hard. I just feel so much pressure and need to be in control of something. So yes, starting now, I will be counting every calorie, every gram of fat, and every gram of sugar that I put into my body. And when I get down to 80, fuck all of you!

Why I struggle so much with eating

It's hard to wanna eat when obesity is the main focus in the world of health. Logically, with my genetics, I'll probably never be overweight, but I still worry about it. The obcession with not wanting to overweight is not the only reason that I struggle so much with my eating. And even the self-destuction part of it isn't what's causing my struggle. I just don't like to eat. I'm scared to eat anything with fat. I hate calories. Raw meat grosses me out and I don't wanna touch it, so I don't like cooking it- I've decided to go vegetarian again. Something in my mind says I must be under 100 lbs. Then, there's just the habit of skipping meals. I don't get hungry like I should. When I do crave food, it's sugar. Sweets. Fattening, sugary, high-calorie sweets. Carbs. Fat. By the time, I see it, or have eaten it, I feel so sick to my stomach. I want to be healthy, but I don't want to eat. It's like a constant battle in my head.

People try to get me to eat. I always have granola in my bag and I try to drink an ensure every day. But it's been the same granola for a week, like I haven't refilled my container, because I eat each grain and nut, individually, and never actually finish my one cup container. I'm not counting calories again, and I'm trying really hard not to. Instead, I just move my food around on a plate, and then I put half of it away. I eat half of what's left and throw out the rest. It's wasting so much food, but I know I won't eat it. I'm actually starting to make smaller portions, and trying to put away 3/4 of the plate and then eating the rest. I know it's not actually any healthier, but at least I'm not wasting as much money. If anyone has any new ideas to help me get back on track with recovery, please share them with me!!! I do want to be healthy, and I really don't wanna fall into another depression episode.