Wednesday, December 18, 2013

and yet another thing I'm incapable of following through with.

I really don't feel like posting anything today, even though I'm just copying something from my journal. I wanna follow through with my open review of the year, however I feel very discouraged today. People seem to wanna point out my every wrong. I don't need reminders that I'm a worthless piece of shit. I already know that. I'm sorry for trying. I'm sorry for putting my best efforts into everything I do. I'm sorry that I help people, do my job, show up for meetings, clean up after others, and take care of stuff so that no one else has to be bothered with it. I'm sorry that I'm functional. I'm sorry that I'm really not that sorry. I'm actually pissed off, hurt and agitated- not to mention feeling unwanted, under-appreciated, and worthless.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

June 2013

I feel mega-depressed. Andi's dead. She's gone. And I didn't get to say good-bye and I miss her so much. Logically, I know it's not my fault, but I feel so guilty. I love her and she's probably one of the best friends I've ever had. I don't want her to be gone. And then, I think about her kid and how much it hurts to lose a mom. My heart feels like it's shattered. I can't do this anymore. I'm just in so much pain. My emotions: guilt for being a burden on her; grief; hopelessness; alone; defeated; hurt; destructive; depressed; upset. And there's nothing I can do about it. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to respond? What's healthy and what's not? When do I know it's okay to stop crying?

Monday, December 16, 2013

May 2013

I'm skipping April, beause it's my bio-mom's birthday. Instead I'm sharing from May 25, the day before the eighth anniversary of her death.

Thinking about Lina makes me sad. I miss her. I also feel guilty for not being upset about the anniversary of her death. Why do I feel guilty? What's gonna happen if I'm not sad? I feel guilty, because I think I'm supposed to be sad. That's what people do. On a death anniversary, people seem to re-experience that loss...Am I a bad person? Living my life, not even thinking about those who died? No. I'm not a bad person. I miss Lina...But I'm not losing them right now. Right now, I'm in my apartment with Tiny. I'm doing mostly well. I accept that I lost Lina. I accept that I've gone through tragedy. But I also accept I only have control over what's right here in my living room. I am able to love and miss someone while doing well and achieving my goals. I am doing well.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

March 2013

This is a list of "Cheerleading Statements" that I wrote to encourage me and help me continue to be effective in my interactions with others:

1) Up to this point I have done my very best to get by.

2) I can learn from the mistakes that I have made.

3) I am learning to be assertive about my needs.

4) It is my responsibility to get my needs met.

5) Organization is one of my strengths that will help me to succeed.

6) If I don’t get my objectives met, it doesn’t mean I didn’t go about it in a skillful way.

7) I have the right to assert myself, even though I may inconvenience others.

8) I have the capacity to rebound from rejection.

9) I am choosing to thrive, in spite of the wrongs that I have suffered.

10)Choosing to drop my anger is not the same as condoning wrong.

11)I accept others’ freedom to live in unhealthy ways.

12)Others cannot force me to remain angry.

13)I can make better choices when anger arises.

14)I have the right to set boundaries.

15)It’s okay to have a bad day

16)I am just as important as everyone else in the world

17)My imperfections give me a unique personality

18)I try to be friendly

19)I enjoy helping others.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

February 2013

This is a list of emotions I was feeling on February 20th and I titled it “Emotional Chaos”:

Analytical- I just feel like I need to analyze and pick apart everything that has happened

Nervous/Anxious- How are things gonna turn out next week? What if I fuck things up? What if I don’t fit in? What if I can’t do this? I dunno how their schedule works- what if I spiral into relapse? (this is in reference to starting Gateway)

Chaotic- Not on the outside. I’m holding it together so well, but my mind is craving the chaos and uncertainty of the Death Game.

Fearful- I’m affraid- so afraid that I apparently can’t spell. I don’t wanna make things worse- or fail. What if Ana’s all I am?

Guilty- I don’t deserve to be okay. I hurt so many people. I ruined my life. I’m supposed to be punishing myself- I feel guilty for wanting to screw up my progress. I feel guilty for having urges to cut and overdose, and I wanna kill myself. The thoughts and urges. The images. The triggers. None of its going away.

Reclusive- Not sure if I’m using this word right, but I wana just hide away by myself. And sulk in my pain.

Pitiful/helpless- (An arrow points to the last sentence after reclusive)

Conflicted, or Confused- I’m not sure. Maybe both. I just dunno what I want anymore.

Insecure- I’m just not sure I’m good enough. Ana says I’m worthless. Bitch says I can do this. Bitch says I’m strong, but I’m not. (Ana is my illness. Bitch is this other voice that kinda keeps me out of trouble)

Jealous/Envious- I dunno the difference. But I’m jealous of a girl that my friend is into. I know she’s not into him, but I still want his attention, which I’m not getting any of.

Lonely- But reclusive- I wanna be with someone, but I feel like I’m not good enough for anyone- so I wanna try to hide.

Mistrusting/Untrusting- I dunno. I’m just afraid that if I make one mistake, recovery will be destroyed

Self-Defeating- Self-Condemning, Self-Hatred- I’m sabotaging everything, because I’m afraid. I can’t lose anyone if nobody’s there. No one else can hurt me, if I hurt me first.

Friday, December 13, 2013

January 2013

I know I started with November and December of last year. I just thought those were a good way to describe my frame of mind and what led up to my hospitalization in January 2013. Of course, in 2012, I spent like every other week in a psychiatric hospital. However, this last hospitalization is really where my recovery began. On the second day of this last hospitalization, I wrote this:

People used to describe me as independent. I’ve never been independent- just too afraid to ask for anything. Asking for materialistic things means you’re not appreciative. Asking for someone to do something for you means you’re incapable or weak. And God forbid you don’t know how to do everything yourself. I’m just as dependent (if not more) as everyone else. I just don’t like people thinking I’m needy or weak. I don’t like myself thinking that.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

December 2012

This is a poem by Emily Dickenson. I wrote it down in my journal on December 30th of last year and it’s all I wrote that day.


I’m nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody too?
Then there’s a pair of us-don’t tell!
They’d banish- you know?

How dreary to be somebody?
How public like frog
To tell one’s name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Reflecting on the past year

One of my favorite things about December is reflecting on the past year and trying to understand why I feel like total shit. Normally I just do this in my journal- each month gets a short paragraph, stating my accomplishments, realizations, and failures. I read through entries from the past year, laughing and crying. Re-experiencing moments of complete disaster, while feeling lied to when I read over moments of excitement or joy. This year, I thought I’d capture moments to post on my blog. There’ll be poems, letters, just plain paragraphs, or maybe even lists.
I’m starting with November of last year, because I found this poem and it captures the darkness and anger I felt, so well.


The walls of Hell are closing in.
There’s a peephole to the outside world;
Evil has taken over
Killings of all creatures.
The elephant’s face has been removed
And sold by the greedy.
Tigers are left bare in the cold night,
While men wear their fur.
Kittens are murdered by cruel boys,
Puppies tortured by princesses.
Animals that fight back are shot
People that fight back are locked in cages.
And those dying of pain are hidden away;
Some hide in Hell to escape the pain
Others find their way out.
But tonight, a woman that continues to face the pain of her past
Tucks herself away to burn in tears.
The walls of hell are closing in.