The last couple of weeks have thrown me lots of challenges. I've been really nervous about work and stressed about everything. My anxiety has been really high and I've had a few panic attacks, but whatever.
Work was shit last week. I got bitched at by some others at work and really wanted to quit, because I felt like I was being pushed over the edge. A coworker, who is always bossing people around and getting into others' business, was really on my case for a couple of days. It took absolutely all my strength to not bitch-slap her. And then I was getting fussed at, because I don't keep things organized. Which is total BS. It frustrates me, because I'm sadly the most organized person that probably works there. Anyways, it was a really bad week; my friends were pretty supportive. They let me vent and kind of encouraged me to keep going.
I finally started to calm down Saturday, but then some A-hole went through my laundry while it was in the wash and stole my hamper. Who the hell does that? I made a complaint with the apartment manager-person. I was so fucking pissed. Okay, sorry for all the cursing- I'm still pretty pissed about it. Life can be so full of BS.
I wanted to complain about all this nonsense, but also wanted to update about recovery. So, it's been about 2 months since my last therapy session. I had to stop DBT group when I started work, but I was way ahead of everyone else in the group, anyways. I canceled my last individual session and never called to reschedule. I don't really know if I should. Well, I guess eventually I'll have to go back, seeing I'm court-ordered. By the way, court-ordered means nothing at all. I was told I'd get in trouble for not going once a month, but it's been two and the court hasn't called me yet! Anyways, I don't really see the point in going back. The therapist is kinda worthless and i don't actually talk to her when I go. I have a med check in a month- which is even more pointless than therapy. I don't really trust opinion on medications. All the current meds have done is make me fat! Needless to say, I'm gonna tell her that I'm not continuing them. Other than my lack of confidence in my treatment team, recovery is going great. I'm fat, which is progress in this screwed up system. My anxiety goes up and down. I went like 8 months without cutting. And I haven't tried to kill myself in almost 10 months.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Crumby Week
This past week was rough. Its just one of those weeks when everything seems so f***ed up. A snap-shot of this week:
Monday and Tuesday: I didn't have work, so i helped out at the clubhouse (the day treatment place I've been going to the past several months). It was okay; I enjoy hanging out there and helping in their kitchen. The thing I don't like is the way other people boss me around and expect me to do everything for them. Get off your ass and do it yourself. I'm already working on 10 different tasks! Its so stupid. I just get frustrated, because the staff asks me to do something and while I'm working on it, members feel they can give me more task. And I do everything I can to not scream at them. I'm a total bitch for saying this, but: I know I'm held to hire standards, but I still have a limit of how much I can handle. So that whole situation got me worked up.
Wednesday: I had work, but was kind of in a blah mood. I felt homesick all day- I'm still feeling homesick! I just really miss my adoptive family and my friends and I just wanna visit VA soon. That evening, I laid down to go to bed, and started crying. It sucks to try so hard to hold it together, and feel so unworthy of love. Lately, I've been trying to stay upbeat and positive; it's been really hard, though. I really miss my family and feel kinda lonely. My friends that live in the same apartment complex as me have been helping me out a lot, just by being there. It's nice to have friends that I can see everyday.
Thursday: I was feeling down and kinda agitated. I've been very annoyed with people. Its like I'm on edge and just bout to explode. I don't want to, but every time, someone does something wrong or says something I disagree with, I wanna snap at them and make sure they know their wrong. I shouldn't and I know that; I try not to let my frustration with people show, but it generally does.
Friday: It was one of those days where I really just wanted to give up. I was sad because I probably won't see my family til next summer. I was frustrated with stuff going on in my mind. And so tired of being around idiots! In the evening I hung out with some friends at Walmart. I know that sounds dumb, but it was fun. They made me laugh, which is good, and it was just nice to spend time with fun people. Afterwards, I hung out with my neighborhood friends.
When I first started typing I was gonna bitch about how miserable I am and done with all this BS- and I sorta did. But while typing I realized that I'm making it through, because my friends have been there for me so much!
Monday and Tuesday: I didn't have work, so i helped out at the clubhouse (the day treatment place I've been going to the past several months). It was okay; I enjoy hanging out there and helping in their kitchen. The thing I don't like is the way other people boss me around and expect me to do everything for them. Get off your ass and do it yourself. I'm already working on 10 different tasks! Its so stupid. I just get frustrated, because the staff asks me to do something and while I'm working on it, members feel they can give me more task. And I do everything I can to not scream at them. I'm a total bitch for saying this, but: I know I'm held to hire standards, but I still have a limit of how much I can handle. So that whole situation got me worked up.
Wednesday: I had work, but was kind of in a blah mood. I felt homesick all day- I'm still feeling homesick! I just really miss my adoptive family and my friends and I just wanna visit VA soon. That evening, I laid down to go to bed, and started crying. It sucks to try so hard to hold it together, and feel so unworthy of love. Lately, I've been trying to stay upbeat and positive; it's been really hard, though. I really miss my family and feel kinda lonely. My friends that live in the same apartment complex as me have been helping me out a lot, just by being there. It's nice to have friends that I can see everyday.
Thursday: I was feeling down and kinda agitated. I've been very annoyed with people. Its like I'm on edge and just bout to explode. I don't want to, but every time, someone does something wrong or says something I disagree with, I wanna snap at them and make sure they know their wrong. I shouldn't and I know that; I try not to let my frustration with people show, but it generally does.
Friday: It was one of those days where I really just wanted to give up. I was sad because I probably won't see my family til next summer. I was frustrated with stuff going on in my mind. And so tired of being around idiots! In the evening I hung out with some friends at Walmart. I know that sounds dumb, but it was fun. They made me laugh, which is good, and it was just nice to spend time with fun people. Afterwards, I hung out with my neighborhood friends.
When I first started typing I was gonna bitch about how miserable I am and done with all this BS- and I sorta did. But while typing I realized that I'm making it through, because my friends have been there for me so much!
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Invega: the root of all evil!
I know I sound like the typical mental patient, but after doing some research I believe the root of all my problems is my medications- okay, not all my problems. But after tracking some symptoms for the past couple of months and doing online research, I think I have found the evil medication that has completely changed my body rhythm.
I have noticed changes in my body starting in May, so I kinda already knew the culprit was Invega, a newer mood stabilizer that I started. At first, it increased my sleep. Since starting Invega, I've stopped taking my sleep meds. I am now back to waking up every couple of hours and tossing and turning all night. I don't wanna start my sleeping meds again, because I'm afraid I'll over sleep, which is something i already do when I do sleep.
I've also noticed female issues. My cycle was an average of 30 days. When I first started Invega, my cycle shortened, but the last couple of cycles have been 42 and 46 days. I made it through all of September without a period- I don't think i've ever gone a month without a period. In high school, I had a period every 2-3 weeks. My cycle was an average of 15 days. In August, I decided it was probably a one time thing. Then it happened again. I'm gonna continue to track it all, because I've been determined to not be on Invega since day 1. If only "professionals" listened to me.
And this next problem- yes I find this a problem- gaining weight. I know I was underweight all last year. Oh the days of being too skinny are far gone. I know in your mind i haven't gained much weight at all. But I weigh much more than I'd like to. My tummy is bigger and that grosses me out. And yes, I'm blaming Invega for my weight gain. I've gained 20 lbs since the beginning January- only 8 of them before I went on Invega. And a total of 30 lbs since the summer of 2012. I needed to gain maybe 10 lbs- 20n at most to be healthy. NOT 30!!!!
Even with my short lived vegan diet and my continued vegetarian diet, I'm gaining more weight than I wanted to. In the past week I've gained another 4 lbs. Yes, I weigh myself daily. Its disgusting that I gain so much weight and I hate that its not safe for me to go running first thing in the morning or in the evening. I also am agitated that I don't have enough time to go before medications. I'm agitated about a lot this week- but i'm not going into it. Seeing as my body is changing with invega, my daily routine must change too. I needa find a way to make working out a part of my daily routine and if anybody knows a good workout routine- I'd love suggestions!!
I have noticed changes in my body starting in May, so I kinda already knew the culprit was Invega, a newer mood stabilizer that I started. At first, it increased my sleep. Since starting Invega, I've stopped taking my sleep meds. I am now back to waking up every couple of hours and tossing and turning all night. I don't wanna start my sleeping meds again, because I'm afraid I'll over sleep, which is something i already do when I do sleep.
I've also noticed female issues. My cycle was an average of 30 days. When I first started Invega, my cycle shortened, but the last couple of cycles have been 42 and 46 days. I made it through all of September without a period- I don't think i've ever gone a month without a period. In high school, I had a period every 2-3 weeks. My cycle was an average of 15 days. In August, I decided it was probably a one time thing. Then it happened again. I'm gonna continue to track it all, because I've been determined to not be on Invega since day 1. If only "professionals" listened to me.
And this next problem- yes I find this a problem- gaining weight. I know I was underweight all last year. Oh the days of being too skinny are far gone. I know in your mind i haven't gained much weight at all. But I weigh much more than I'd like to. My tummy is bigger and that grosses me out. And yes, I'm blaming Invega for my weight gain. I've gained 20 lbs since the beginning January- only 8 of them before I went on Invega. And a total of 30 lbs since the summer of 2012. I needed to gain maybe 10 lbs- 20n at most to be healthy. NOT 30!!!!
Even with my short lived vegan diet and my continued vegetarian diet, I'm gaining more weight than I wanted to. In the past week I've gained another 4 lbs. Yes, I weigh myself daily. Its disgusting that I gain so much weight and I hate that its not safe for me to go running first thing in the morning or in the evening. I also am agitated that I don't have enough time to go before medications. I'm agitated about a lot this week- but i'm not going into it. Seeing as my body is changing with invega, my daily routine must change too. I needa find a way to make working out a part of my daily routine and if anybody knows a good workout routine- I'd love suggestions!!
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