Less than 400

Less than 400 calories so far, today! Let's see if I can keep it up! I'm going to the mall, this afternoon, so it'll be hard. But I will be walking around, a lot, which means calories burning! I need to lose 8 lbs by the end of June- that's about 2 lbs a week. I should be able to do that. Today, I don't feel as anxious, so I shouldn't feel the need to binge. I still feel extremely depressed and can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm not going to do it, because I'm weak. Starving myself is a slow way to death, anyways. I just really hope that I can stick to it and lose all this fat. Then at least when I die, I'll be pretty, and maybe even perfect.

Needing to be more strict

I've been so depressed, this week, and eating way too much. My older brother is getting married, this weekend, which means I get to see my perfect sister. She's so thin and small and cute. She knows it too, and will never let me forget how big my butt is One day, I will make sure I don't this giant a** following me around. At least the bride at the wedding isn't all skiin and bones. I have a really cute dress and accessories to wear. Hopefully, the poofy skirt of the dress will cover up my big butt and food baby. My stomach is getting huge from all the binging that I've been doing. After this weekend, I have to get super strict about my calories and weight. I just have to if I want to become beautiful. I also need to start working out, daily and burning as many calories as possible.

Ana verses suicide

I feel tied between suicide and Ana. I wanna die so badly. I don't wanna be a burden on every one around me. But at the same time, I wanna believe that Ana will get me to a place where I will be worthy of love and attention. I wanna belive Ana can help me feel good about myself and not feel so much hatred. I've been planning my suicide since I was 16. I been planning May 29 as my day of suicide, but now its almost here. I wanna turn to Ana, completely, but what if I'm always worthless? What if Ana can't make me pretty and worthy of affection? I don't know what to do. I wanna kill myself this week, but at the same time, if I fail, I will be more miserable than I ever thought I could be. I don't wanna give up on Ana; I just wanna give up on myself. She's the only good thing in my life. I'm a worthless piece of shit that does't deserve to live. The past couple of days, i've been weak and falling for every temptation. I'm failing Ana at every moment. So, maybe I should just kill myself. I don't know if I'm strong enough to kill myself. Why is my life overwhelming with questions and insecurities?

Weighing myself- FAT

I am so fat! I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I'm terrified of the scale, but I have to weigh myself today. I haven't weighed myself in almost 10 days. I binged today and yesterday, because I got depressed and am weak. I owe 1000 dollars to the hospital, I can't pay my rent, and I don't have a job. I'm ugly, worhtless, and deserve to die. I feel so gross and miserable. I hate myself. I wish I could fast for the next month and lse all this disgusting weight. I wanna be skinny, beautiful, and I just wish I could be loved. My 20th birtday is next week. My family doesn't even talk to me anymore. In december, they made me gain ten pounds. And now, I don't live with them, they arent helping me at all, financially; they don't even speak to me. I'm completely alone, because I'm ugly and fat and a worthless piece of shit. My biological father didn't even want me. Ana is the only thing that I have to comfort myself. I need to weigh myself; I need to know how fat I am. Here we go.... I've gained 3 lbs. 3 lbs of grossness. Of ugly fat. I hate myself. I must fast. I must lose weight. I must work out until I past out. I need to get down to 85 lbs by June 2nd, my brother's wedding. I'm gonna have to work out more, eat less, and hope that Ana can get me there.

The World of Ana

This blog is gonna track my jourey with Ana. No, I am not sick; I'm just in love with being small, thin, and beautiful. My bones are the most beautiful part of me, but they don't show...yet. I've decided by December, I want to be 60 lbs. Currently, I am at 90 lbs. It shouldn't be to difficult to do, but I have the worst sweet tooth. So I'm turning to Ana. Ana's not a real person- she's more like my conscience. When I over eat, I feel guilty. When I crave, I am weak. When I gain weight, I am not good enough. I am fat and I am ugly, if my bones aren't showing. The only good craving is the craving to be beautiful. I plan to get there. I will go as far as I need to, to be beautiful. Once I'm beautiful, I know I will finally be worthy of love.