At the beginning of the week, I was gonna write a blog every day this week for NEDAwareness Week, but I got a little distracted by treatment. My treatment schedule keeps me busy! I started a new program yesterday that is gonna help me in preparation to go back to work, or school if I work up the nerve to do such. I’ll being going to the program Wednesday through Friday from 9 am until 3 pm. During the day, I’ll be assigned to one of their three units. Yesterday, I was on the Snack Bar Unit, where I made sandwiches, popcorn, and trail mix. I got to take orders in the afternoon. Next Wednesday will be my second day, because I couldn’t make it today or tomorrow; I will spend my day in the kitchen, helping prepare lunch and clean up afterwards. Then Thursday, I’m gonna help with clerical type work, I guess. The fourth day, I get to choose what unit, I wanna officially be a part of. Throughout each day, there are also different meetings that I have the option to go to. I didn’t go to any of the meetings, so I’m not completely sure what they are about.
On Tuesdays, I have a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Group, followed by individual therapy and a Human Services appointment. DBT is about learning skills to work through emotions, communicate effectively and assertively, and be mindful and aware of your surroundings. Some of it seems stupid, but it’s actually pretty helpful. Right now, the group is working on how to be assertive about getting your needs met in relationships. Individual therapy seems pretty pointless, lately, because I’m having trouble feeling comfortable with the therapist. It’s hard to replace the perfect therapist, but I’m trying to have an open mind with my current therapist. The Human Services Specialist helps make sure I’m connected to community resources, like transportation, the new treatment program, financial help, and right now, she’s helping me come up with a plan for my living situation. I kind of signed a year lease on a 2 bedroom apartment and in April or May, rent will be increasing by over $100. The increase was a part of the lease, but I didn’t do a very good job with my math (surprisingly). The increased rent is more than my current income. So if you know anyone looking for a room... this weekend, I’m gonna put a roommate add up, again, and hopefully, find a roommate in the next month. If I don’t, I may get evicted, but my plan B is… well… I don’t actually have one yet…
Anyways (changing the subject now), National Eating Disorders Awareness Week is still going on. The Empire State Building was lit blue and green in support of NEDA on Tuesday night. 58% of colleges that participated in the Collegiate Survey Project said that education and resources on eating disorders is extremely/very important. I was able to participate in Operation Beautiful, a little bit. I encourage everyone to try it out! Just take a sticky note, write an encouraging statement, like “You are beautiful!” and post it somewhere in public for people to see. It really is nice to be complimented, even if it’s from a complete stranger, and it may make a huge difference in someone’s life. These are links to the sites that you can find more information about NEDA and Operation Beautiful:
Empire State Building
Collegiate Survey Project
Operation Beautiful
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Pro-Ana- the religion
What is pro-ana? I often refer to my eating disorder as “Ana”. “Ana” is seen as short for anorexia in the general population, but for me, Ana was more like a higher being- a goddess. “Mia” is the sister term and is the personification of bulimia. People struggling with eating disorders started pro-ana and pro-mia sites to create a community that understands them and their struggles. The sites are like most blogs and online chat rooms- a place of support. The sites became really popular among adolescent girls, because of the detailed instructions to look the way that society tells us is beautiful.
Pro-ana grew into a cult-like community, and for me, it was like a religion with Ana being the goddess. I worshipped my anorexia, and would (and still do) feel guilty for eating. I had a set limit of calories I could consume in a day. If I consumed more than the limit that Ana had set for me, I would start working out and even started taking diet pills. No matter how hard I worked, Ana wouldn’t be happy until it became obvious that I was losing weight, and even then, I had to work harder to not gain any back.
It’s incredible how much impact websites can have on the mind, and how humans can even train the mind to believe in a god/goddess that doesn’t exist. In our minds, we are able develop our own values based on life experience, or simple words posted on the internet. On some of the pro-ana sites, there are laws, commandments, and even punishment details- you don’t even have to come up with them on your own. These rules are memorized and simple words trigger your mind to repeat the rules, word for word. In pro-ana songs and poems, “Ana’s voice” is often mentioned, because “Ana” really becomes her own voice. For example, when I hear the word salvation, in my mind, I start repeating, “Salvation comes from starvation. Salvation comes from starvation. Salvation comes from starvation.” Or the word, perfection triggers “Perfection exists and I must attain it.”
For days that it’s hard to follow “Ana’s laws,” pro-ana followers turn to thinspiration. The sites are covered in thinspiration. The most common form of thinspiration are photos of role models that are under the average BMI. Pro-ana sights encourage you to pick your favorite thinspiration to look up to- a model, actress, or any one that is skinny and the way you want to look someday. The other form of thinspiration is quotes, or song lyrics, that encourage a person to be thin. Thinspiration can be found anywhere.
In 2005, websites began to try and shut down pro-ana pages, but it’s impossible to completely erase anything that has a presence on the internet. Some of the pro-ana sites that I first viewed in the eighth grade were shut down, and then re-opened with a different address. Some of the pro-ana sites have multiple addresses to prevent shut down. This 2012 article talks more about the trouble shutting down pro-ana sites:
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-57405463-10391704/despite-social-media-bans-of-pro-ana-websites-pages-persist/
Pro-ana grew into a cult-like community, and for me, it was like a religion with Ana being the goddess. I worshipped my anorexia, and would (and still do) feel guilty for eating. I had a set limit of calories I could consume in a day. If I consumed more than the limit that Ana had set for me, I would start working out and even started taking diet pills. No matter how hard I worked, Ana wouldn’t be happy until it became obvious that I was losing weight, and even then, I had to work harder to not gain any back.
It’s incredible how much impact websites can have on the mind, and how humans can even train the mind to believe in a god/goddess that doesn’t exist. In our minds, we are able develop our own values based on life experience, or simple words posted on the internet. On some of the pro-ana sites, there are laws, commandments, and even punishment details- you don’t even have to come up with them on your own. These rules are memorized and simple words trigger your mind to repeat the rules, word for word. In pro-ana songs and poems, “Ana’s voice” is often mentioned, because “Ana” really becomes her own voice. For example, when I hear the word salvation, in my mind, I start repeating, “Salvation comes from starvation. Salvation comes from starvation. Salvation comes from starvation.” Or the word, perfection triggers “Perfection exists and I must attain it.”
For days that it’s hard to follow “Ana’s laws,” pro-ana followers turn to thinspiration. The sites are covered in thinspiration. The most common form of thinspiration are photos of role models that are under the average BMI. Pro-ana sights encourage you to pick your favorite thinspiration to look up to- a model, actress, or any one that is skinny and the way you want to look someday. The other form of thinspiration is quotes, or song lyrics, that encourage a person to be thin. Thinspiration can be found anywhere.
In 2005, websites began to try and shut down pro-ana pages, but it’s impossible to completely erase anything that has a presence on the internet. Some of the pro-ana sites that I first viewed in the eighth grade were shut down, and then re-opened with a different address. Some of the pro-ana sites have multiple addresses to prevent shut down. This 2012 article talks more about the trouble shutting down pro-ana sites:
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-57405463-10391704/despite-social-media-bans-of-pro-ana-websites-pages-persist/
Sunday, February 24, 2013
My Struggles with Anorexia (Disclaimer Included)
Disclaimer: This is my blog- my opinions that are just as valid as yours. We’re gonna disagree on some things, but that’s life. If something truly offends you, I apologize for it and encourage you to bring it to my attention. This blog isn’t meant to offend any one. I just wanna be open about who I am and honest about the way I feel.
Thin for Ana was created as a pro-ana blog, a blog in favor of being anorexic, but I wanna use it to track my progress in recovery from now on. I’m leaving up the old blogs, pictures, quotes, and videos that were there to encourage me to not eat. While most would disagree with me, they’re a part of my recovery and help me see how far I’ve come (like the box of journals that keeps getting heavier). I can’t change what I’ve done in the past. I only have control with what I do now.
I wasn’t ready to open my blog up until now, because I was still trying to hide my secret obsession with anorexia. Now, that I am working on recovery, I wanted to share and I decided on February 24, because it is the first day of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.
I turned to anorexia and self-injury, because I felt like an outcast at home, and was afraid of rejection at school. During, and after, the cancer and death of my bio-mom, everything seemed out of my control. Self-injury gave me power, along with a rush of adrenaline, and anorexia was control. No one could force me to eat, and how long could I go before someone even noticed I wasn’t eating?
In eighth grade, I heard about pro-ana sites, and I wanted to understand. I already knew the concept of anorexia, as a serious eating disorder, but I wanted to understand the concept of how does someone be in favor of something that could kill them. It didn’t take long for me to understand. A few months after discovering pro-ana blogs, I began dieting and counting calories. It wasn’t until my junior year of high school that anyone noticed I was struggling with food, but I didn’t think I was anorexic (I was within normal BMI, and I ate, at least, a candy bar, every day). I don’t remember who confronted me about it, but a couple of people come to mind. I helped out at football games and would stay at school until late at night. The athletic trainer started noticing that I didn’t eat at school, and brought it up to me. My guidance counselor and the school psychologist confronted me several times, especially after I was hospitalized for the first time. I kept telling them that I was eating enough and felt fine.
During my first semester of college, I became really close to a friend, struggling with bulimia. Without knowing it, she helped me realize that I was struggling, but I didn’t want anyone to know. I thought I could deal with it on my own. I tried to convince myself that I was just pro-ana, like it wasn’t the same thing as anorexia. Last August, my therapist sent me to the hospital for suicidal ideation and my lack of motivation to live. I called her the next day, and said, “I know I’m anorexic, but I’m not ready to give it up.” I enjoyed being anorexic, every last bit of it. It empowered me.
A month ago, I was ready to break free. I was committed to the hospital at the beginning of January, because I was really sick. It took a few weeks for me to pull myself together, but my sister’s support and perspective helped me realize that I had built up a giant wall between me and the rest of the world. I had trapped myself, but coming to this conclusion meant that I could un-trap myself.
What has been helpful for me since discharge from the hospital?
- Hanging out with my sister and trying new things like star fruit
- Journaling
- Positive Affirmations (they seem so stupid, but are actually helpful)
- Sticky notes to remind me to take my meds (important part of treatment!)
- A letter that I wrote to myself- it’s a step-by-step guide of how to work through my emotions
- Really practicing DBT skills
Thin for Ana was created as a pro-ana blog, a blog in favor of being anorexic, but I wanna use it to track my progress in recovery from now on. I’m leaving up the old blogs, pictures, quotes, and videos that were there to encourage me to not eat. While most would disagree with me, they’re a part of my recovery and help me see how far I’ve come (like the box of journals that keeps getting heavier). I can’t change what I’ve done in the past. I only have control with what I do now.
I wasn’t ready to open my blog up until now, because I was still trying to hide my secret obsession with anorexia. Now, that I am working on recovery, I wanted to share and I decided on February 24, because it is the first day of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.
I turned to anorexia and self-injury, because I felt like an outcast at home, and was afraid of rejection at school. During, and after, the cancer and death of my bio-mom, everything seemed out of my control. Self-injury gave me power, along with a rush of adrenaline, and anorexia was control. No one could force me to eat, and how long could I go before someone even noticed I wasn’t eating?
In eighth grade, I heard about pro-ana sites, and I wanted to understand. I already knew the concept of anorexia, as a serious eating disorder, but I wanted to understand the concept of how does someone be in favor of something that could kill them. It didn’t take long for me to understand. A few months after discovering pro-ana blogs, I began dieting and counting calories. It wasn’t until my junior year of high school that anyone noticed I was struggling with food, but I didn’t think I was anorexic (I was within normal BMI, and I ate, at least, a candy bar, every day). I don’t remember who confronted me about it, but a couple of people come to mind. I helped out at football games and would stay at school until late at night. The athletic trainer started noticing that I didn’t eat at school, and brought it up to me. My guidance counselor and the school psychologist confronted me several times, especially after I was hospitalized for the first time. I kept telling them that I was eating enough and felt fine.
During my first semester of college, I became really close to a friend, struggling with bulimia. Without knowing it, she helped me realize that I was struggling, but I didn’t want anyone to know. I thought I could deal with it on my own. I tried to convince myself that I was just pro-ana, like it wasn’t the same thing as anorexia. Last August, my therapist sent me to the hospital for suicidal ideation and my lack of motivation to live. I called her the next day, and said, “I know I’m anorexic, but I’m not ready to give it up.” I enjoyed being anorexic, every last bit of it. It empowered me.
A month ago, I was ready to break free. I was committed to the hospital at the beginning of January, because I was really sick. It took a few weeks for me to pull myself together, but my sister’s support and perspective helped me realize that I had built up a giant wall between me and the rest of the world. I had trapped myself, but coming to this conclusion meant that I could un-trap myself.
What has been helpful for me since discharge from the hospital?
- Hanging out with my sister and trying new things like star fruit
- Journaling
- Positive Affirmations (they seem so stupid, but are actually helpful)
- Sticky notes to remind me to take my meds (important part of treatment!)
- A letter that I wrote to myself- it’s a step-by-step guide of how to work through my emotions
- Really practicing DBT skills
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