Binging and fasting

I binged three days in a row...how gross is that?! Today, I'm only fluids...no food. Coffee, calorie free sports drink, diet soda and water. End of story. Tomorrow, more fasting. I must lose all this extra weight. I hate feeling so fat. I hate looking at myself. My pants are tight- they should not be tight. My stomach has a thick layer of fat that has to go. I will walk miles and miles if I have to. I will workout. I just hate myself and feel so guilty for bingng. I will punish myself until I'm small enough. Even if that means the rest of my life!

Diet Pills, Energy, and less calories

I'm taking one diet pill a day, right now. That's all I really seem to need right now. I still have plenty of energy to do everything I need to get done. I'm struggling with sleep at night, though. Its not terrible; it just takes forever. My stomach growls a lot in the afternoon, but it makes me smile. I'm not sure I could do this without that pill! I'm trying to eat less. Friday didn't go so well, but I got down to 800, yesterday. And today, I've only had 300, so far. Coffee drinks are what's really getting me. Its cold out, so I'm drinking a lot more mochas, lattes, cidar... Thats the hardest part. I'm not really missing food, but I have been getting dehydrated. I'm trying to drink enough fluids, but it's actually really difficult. I'm watering down lemonade and gatorade to try to help.

I wish they would stop staring

Yes, I'm fat and ugly. Take a fucking picture and move on. I wanna crawl into a hole and die. I hate this worthless life of mine. More weight. I just keep gaining. And i just wanna run away from it all I hate looking in the mirror, epecially when I dont have cothes on. Its all fat. I try not to eat, but I always fuck up. I tried diet pills and had a bad reaction. Right now, I wanna take al the pills in my house and curl u into a miserable little ball to die. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling so alone and hurt. i really wanna die this time. No body cares. My boyfriend might have a brain tumor and if he does, its just another person to leave me. This time I wanna leave. I wanna leave them.

Ana's return

Its been rough. I've kinda lost track with Ana, but am determined to lose all this f***ing weight. I'm looking into diet pills, and needa start drinking lots of tea again. I'm also starting to drink more coffee, but I needa buy a coffee maker. I'm very tight on money, which means I'm eating less. I really wanna lose 20 pounds. I wish I could do it before my boyfriend moves in.I'm skyping with him right now. I'll try to get the diet pills tomorrow, and some tea. I have diet coke at home, which I think I need right now, because I am exhausted. Does being pro-ana make me bad? I mean I just wanna be skinny. What's the big deal?

Not fat, but not perfect

I realized that I am so damn cute. I was the cutest kid ever. Screw my sibblings for making me feel like I was the fat one. They were so effing jealous! The only complaint about my body, right now. Okay- there's a few complaints. First and most visible- my stomach. Its just sticking out more than I'd like. Its gross- I look like I'm a few months pregnant and I do not want that. SO the stomach has to go. Secondly, as always, my thighs and butt- I just don't want them that big. I like my baggy skinnies. That's it and the only way, I'll be able to get back there- eat less. I eat way too much, now. I'm always hungry and wanna eat, everything. Its gross. I gotta, gotta, gotta eat less.

Wanting Ana

Feeling a little fat and gross. Not wearing baggy clothes, today. First time, in a while. i feel more free today, but when I look down and see that my stomach isn't flat, it grosses me out. It makes me kinda sad. Every day, I'm trying to eat less. I wanna get back down to 80.

Crazier and Crazier

It's been an insane month, quite literally. Was in the hospital due to "anorexia" and suicide ideation for a week and a half. Then a transition house for a week. Then the homeless shelter for a week. Then I was detained in the hospital with a psychotic episode and inability to take care of myself for a week. And now I'm at the transition house again. From here, I'm going to live with my sister. I am not giving up Ana...but I'm scared of my future and I'm terrified of my current situation. Most days I feel confused and not really sure I wanna be alive. I wish I knew what to do and where to go from here. But I'm trapped in an illness that seems to consume me and I keep asking am I ever gonna get out. All I hope for right now is to get through the end of this year. I honestly dunno if I will. A part of me wants to beg for help, but this other part of me keeps doing everything to tear me apart. Not sure it'll ever end. Hopefully, Ana will bring me some sort of peace.

Ended up in hospital...

Felt suicidal, because I'm a worthless piece of shit. I can't keep up. I need to work out more and eat less. Food is sickening. Calories mean more fat. Disgusting. Not working out means fat sitting of my thighs and hips and stomach. Gross. Food is the center of my hell! However there's a few other things causing me to wanna end my life. I'm afraid that I'm gonna lose the last person I really trust. I don't trust very many people because every one seems to not want me around. I don't blame them; I'm a stupid, ugly bitch. I'm tired of losing people, but maybe I deserve to be alone. Maybe a higher power (Ana, God, or whoever) wants me to be miserable. I was a mistake and they need me to get rid of myself to save their ass. I wish so badly I'd die. A few days in the hospital and I still feel completely depressed and alone. Once again, I did avoid giving Ana up, however, I think it may be time. I wanna lose weight; I wanna be good enough. But I realize I need help. I'm scared to let go of Ana and end up feeling more alone. I'm scared I'll gain weight and become uglier and more worthless. My biggest fear is I'm better off destroying myself, because no body can help me.

I hate myself

I hate how fat and ugly I am. I hate not being good enough. I just want some one to care about me, but they never will. No matter how small or skinny I am, no one will ever give a damn about me. I try so hard to be pretty, to be good enough. But they all want me gone. No body wants me alive. My parents have been waiting for months for me to kill myself. My siblings, my friends, my therapist want me out of their life. The county's therapist and doctor don't want me. They just see me as an untreatable mental case. The woman that I have been living with is sick and I've been nothing but a burden on her. I don't want her life to be this way. I don't wanna burden any one else. I'm done trying to be skinny, to be perfect- I just wanna die.

Have to lose weight

I gotta lose weight. I gotta stop eating. I gotta work out more. No more taking the bus or getting rides. I needa walk everywhere and anywhere. I'm so fat and I can't stand it. I gotta focus on not eating and I needa stop sitting on my ass. Instead of sitting on my ass while I watch tv, I'm gonna work out.

Back to counting

I finally got myself t start counting calories, agaain I got off track for a couple of weeks. But now, I'm ready to work a little harder. I'm thinking about trying the ABC diet, but I'm nervous. I wish I had some one to talk to and get tips from. But no one really understands.

Walking til I'm ready to pass out

I've been eating way too much. But I've also been forcing myself to walk until I pphysically feel unable to walk anymore. Then after taking a break, I try to walk a little more. I've been at a steady 87 lbs for several days. I wish I could be at a steady 84 lbs. Hopefully in the next week, I'll get back down to 84.

Baggy Skinnies

I lov the way these pants fit. I only own skinny jeans, but the pair that I'm wearing today is my favorite pair. They're baggy on me and make me feel so small and skinny. I love feeling good enough and pretty. I also love how they slide down when I walk, revealing my hip bone. Not because I want every one else to see. But because the way my hip bone feels. I love to be able to feel my tiny little bone. Its perfect.

Down to 84!

I'm down to 84 lbs! I've been eating too much, but I've increased my amount of exerciise. I have 24 lbs to go before I'm happy with my size. I just need to start eating less and I'll be able to get there. Some days, I do great; I eat less than 500 calries...but other days, I eat and eat until I feel sick. I hate how it makes me feel like a filthy fat pig. But the next day, I feel so motivated to rip all the weight off. I walk over ten miles and feel like I'm about to pass out by the time I get home. And even though I feel physically exhausted, I'm so proud of myself. I wish I had more days like that.

Yes, I'm fat. Yes, I'm ugly. And yes, I'm worthless.

I hate myself for being alive. For not commiting suicide. For being an ugly, worthless being. I want to die. I want to starve myself to death. I want to stab my empty body over and over again, while watching the fat run out of me llike blood.

Still having a difficult time

Its so hard to lose fat. Its so hard to cut out unneccessary calories. I back to under a thousand calories a day. My goal is to do under 500 calories. I'm trying so hard. I just wanna be small and thin and beautiful and perfect. I really do; I just forget sometimes. I wish I was stronger. I just need to be a little bit stronger to get down to the right weight. I haven't weighed myself in a couple of weeks. I've probably gained so much weight. I feel so fat and ugly. I need to fight my temptations a little bit more.

FAT FAT FAT

I'm so freakin fat! I completely binged last night. I ate way too much. I always eat too much. I have to start losing weight. I have to cut out calories. Why is it so hard? All I want is to be small and beautiful. I just want to show my bones. I want to look in the mirror and not feel like beating myself up. I hate myself. I hate the fat that makes my stomach bulge out and the fat that rests on my hips. Its gross. My thighs are even worse. I feel disgusting. I just wanna stop eatting, but its so hard. I've always over ate. Once I start, I can't stop.

I've been eatig way too much. Its disgusting. I need to start working out more and walking more, if I want to lose weight. So for today, I've had 250 calories. I want to keep dinner less than 300 calories, this evenng. I have to. Yesterday, I ate over 1000 calories. I haven't weighed myself in like a week. I'm terrified to know how much I weiigh. I still haven't bought my own scale and now, my bank account is pretty much empty. At least, I can't buy anymore food...

Determined

I did well again, yesterday. Less than 600 calories! My goal is less than 500 calories a day. Each day, I get closer. Today, I am slowly eating a 90 calorie granola bar that I broke into 4 pieces. I then broke 1/4 of the bar into many tiny pieces, and ate half the mini pieces when I started to feel fool. I'm also sipping peppermint tea- I never realized how good tea was until a few weeks ago. Before, I thought it had to have a ton of sugar to make it taste good (that's the southern girl in me). I was planning on the granola bar just being breakfast, but it may also be lunch at the rate, I'm eating it. Yay for filling my stomach with liquids and for slowly shrinking my stomach. Last night, I didn't sleep at all, but I had this really bad craving for a breakfast burrito. I turned up the pro-ana music and began to write down my Ana rules that I will follow and if I don't I wrote down a list of conseequences. I'm determined to be thin.

Less than 600 calories

Today, I did pretty damn good. I ate less than 600 calories and walked about 2.5 miles! I'm still sticking around 90 lbs. I got hired today as a Sales Rep for a knife company. My first paycheck will need to go to clothes (nice ones for work), and a scale (one that tells me my actual weight. Tomorrow and Saturday, I'll be in training- an excuse to eat less! Sunday, I may or may not go to church. I'm not religious, but my friend gets excited when I go with her. The only thing about church is lunch afterwards. A big group from the church goes out to eat afterwards; my friend is a part of that group, so I normally tag along. Its hard, because I never know where we're gonna go, so I can't plan my meal ahead. It always makes me anxious to eat out. I always end up eating way too much. Last time, I went to church and lunch afterwards, I snuck off to the bathroom to throw up, and then was upset when I couldn't throw up enough. I skipped the last couple of weeks, which makes me feel bad, but I had excuses- my sister was in town for my brother's wedding and last weekend, I made plans with my best friend. I don't wanna lose this church friend, or really any of my friends from her church, but I also wanna stay on track with my eating and calories....

Its been a rough couple of days. Monday, I did really well! I didn't eat all day and walked over 10 miles. But then, I completely binged yesterday. Today, I'm doing ok. I ate a skinny cow ice cream bar, a little bit ago. It was only 100 calories. I also walked to the grocery store to buy few things. I stuck to my grocery list for the most part. It was mostly stuff for my room mate, because I ate some of her food. I'm gonna be more strict and try to force myself to walk as mmuch as possible. I really wish my imind and body would allow me to fast. Maybe soon. I need my stomach to shrink, a lot! I may go for a walk later today, but I need to work on job searching and I have phone calls to make. But first, I might take a nap. I'm exhausted.

A non-Ana weekend

Never getting up on Ana again, unless I kill myself. I'm done! I don't care anymore. Nobody loves me now, so why's it matter if I'm underweight? Why's it matter if I have all my bones popping out? Why's it matter if I feel beautiful for once. YOu doon't love me now, and you're never going to. I will always be filthy to you. I will always be unworthy of your love. I will never be good enough for your screwed up God. I quit. I don't care if I die from starving myself. Its better than being constantly reminded how much people hate you. I wanna die so badly and I hope its painful.

Time to get my own scale

I weighed myself this morning with my room mates scale. 92 lbs. That's 4 fucking pounds that I've gained. Disgusting. Today was also the first day in weeks that I didn't count calories. Feel so fat and gross. Back to the weight thing- I went to a fair (the reason i didn't count calories; its so hard and gross). While I was at the fair, I stepped on a scale- 80lbs. Which scale is right? I wish it were the 80 lb one, but I really don't know. How do I figure it out? I can't use a doctor's scale. I suppose I could get my own scale. But I don't even know where too hide it. Its driving me crazy! How much do I weigh? I wanna be smaller. 80 would be so amazing and so much closer to 60. I so hate feeling huge!

Its been a really rough week. I've been eating way too much. Over the weekend, I went to my brother's wedding. I feel like I've gained ten or fifteen lbs. I haven't weighed myself in a while; I'm terrified to know the number. This week, I have to try harder to eat less. I'm out of money and don't have a job; so, hopefully, I can do it. However, I'm at Starbucks and they have a new frappuccino that I'm dying to try. I needa tell myself no, but I'm not sure I can. I freakin love frapps and this one is a cookie crumble. Its like torture to not get it. I must fight temptation. Food is my ultimate enemy; calories cannot and wil not make me happy. But the sweetness might and the caffiene might wake me up. No. I have to fight this temptation. I must fight it if I want to be beautiful. Giving into food is a sign of weakness; I must be strong and I will be better than every one else. It looks so good. I've already eaten so much today. I'm probably already over 700 calories. Why does it matter? I have a fat rib cage; I'm never gonna be perfect like my sister. But I stive to attain perfection; I can get closer to it.

Less than 400

Less than 400 calories so far, today! Let's see if I can keep it up! I'm going to the mall, this afternoon, so it'll be hard. But I will be walking around, a lot, which means calories burning! I need to lose 8 lbs by the end of June- that's about 2 lbs a week. I should be able to do that. Today, I don't feel as anxious, so I shouldn't feel the need to binge. I still feel extremely depressed and can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm not going to do it, because I'm weak. Starving myself is a slow way to death, anyways. I just really hope that I can stick to it and lose all this fat. Then at least when I die, I'll be pretty, and maybe even perfect.

Needing to be more strict

I've been so depressed, this week, and eating way too much. My older brother is getting married, this weekend, which means I get to see my perfect sister. She's so thin and small and cute. She knows it too, and will never let me forget how big my butt is One day, I will make sure I don't this giant a** following me around. At least the bride at the wedding isn't all skiin and bones. I have a really cute dress and accessories to wear. Hopefully, the poofy skirt of the dress will cover up my big butt and food baby. My stomach is getting huge from all the binging that I've been doing. After this weekend, I have to get super strict about my calories and weight. I just have to if I want to become beautiful. I also need to start working out, daily and burning as many calories as possible.

Ana verses suicide

I feel tied between suicide and Ana. I wanna die so badly. I don't wanna be a burden on every one around me. But at the same time, I wanna believe that Ana will get me to a place where I will be worthy of love and attention. I wanna belive Ana can help me feel good about myself and not feel so much hatred. I've been planning my suicide since I was 16. I been planning May 29 as my day of suicide, but now its almost here. I wanna turn to Ana, completely, but what if I'm always worthless? What if Ana can't make me pretty and worthy of affection? I don't know what to do. I wanna kill myself this week, but at the same time, if I fail, I will be more miserable than I ever thought I could be. I don't wanna give up on Ana; I just wanna give up on myself. She's the only good thing in my life. I'm a worthless piece of shit that does't deserve to live. The past couple of days, i've been weak and falling for every temptation. I'm failing Ana at every moment. So, maybe I should just kill myself. I don't know if I'm strong enough to kill myself. Why is my life overwhelming with questions and insecurities?

Weighing myself- FAT

I am so fat! I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I'm terrified of the scale, but I have to weigh myself today. I haven't weighed myself in almost 10 days. I binged today and yesterday, because I got depressed and am weak. I owe 1000 dollars to the hospital, I can't pay my rent, and I don't have a job. I'm ugly, worhtless, and deserve to die. I feel so gross and miserable. I hate myself. I wish I could fast for the next month and lse all this disgusting weight. I wanna be skinny, beautiful, and I just wish I could be loved. My 20th birtday is next week. My family doesn't even talk to me anymore. In december, they made me gain ten pounds. And now, I don't live with them, they arent helping me at all, financially; they don't even speak to me. I'm completely alone, because I'm ugly and fat and a worthless piece of shit. My biological father didn't even want me. Ana is the only thing that I have to comfort myself. I need to weigh myself; I need to know how fat I am. Here we go.... I've gained 3 lbs. 3 lbs of grossness. Of ugly fat. I hate myself. I must fast. I must lose weight. I must work out until I past out. I need to get down to 85 lbs by June 2nd, my brother's wedding. I'm gonna have to work out more, eat less, and hope that Ana can get me there.

The World of Ana

This blog is gonna track my jourey with Ana. No, I am not sick; I'm just in love with being small, thin, and beautiful. My bones are the most beautiful part of me, but they don't show...yet. I've decided by December, I want to be 60 lbs. Currently, I am at 90 lbs. It shouldn't be to difficult to do, but I have the worst sweet tooth. So I'm turning to Ana. Ana's not a real person- she's more like my conscience. When I over eat, I feel guilty. When I crave, I am weak. When I gain weight, I am not good enough. I am fat and I am ugly, if my bones aren't showing. The only good craving is the craving to be beautiful. I plan to get there. I will go as far as I need to, to be beautiful. Once I'm beautiful, I know I will finally be worthy of love.