Saturday, May 28, 2016

May 28

Its been a rough couple of days. The 11th anniversary of bio-mom's death was on Thursday. On Wednesday evening, I cut pretty deep and hit an artery. I couldn't stop the bleeding. I didn't know what to do, so I texted my mom and she came into my bathroom to help me. She put pressure on it, but it wasn't helping. So she called a friend who's a nurse. She came over and helped stop the bleeding and super glue the cut shut. It took awhile to stop the bleeding, but luckily I didn't lose too much blood. And thankfully I didn't have to go to the hospital. I was scared we were gonna end up at the hospital and I'd end up in the psych ward again. I talked to my therapist about what's been going on. And we talked about skills to use. The skills she taught me were had the acronym TIPP. T for temperature change. You can do this by sticking your face in a bowl of ice. I is for intense exercise; I'll have to work up to that one. She said I could just do 20 jumping jacks, but I don't even have the energy or motivation to do that. The P's are for Progressive muscle relaxation and paced breathing. Progressive Muscle Relaxation is a method used release tension from your muscles and relax. Paced breathing is self-explained. I haven’t tried any of the skills yet, but I’m gonna give them a try this week. My therapist wants me to try to go two days without cutting this week. My mom’s kinda checking on my cuts daily, so I’m nervous about making new cuts anyway. Its been hard, having another person see my cuts. She glued a bunch of them shut. It makes me sad to have them shut, because I like looking inside them and messing with them. I know that she’s just trying to keep them from getting infected, but its still hard.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Give all the Praise to God

I spent my weekend reading a book called Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl by Lysa TerKeurst. I recommend it for any women or girl seeking a closer relationship with God. It's a very easy and pleasant read (kinda has to be for me to actually read it), but it'll make you really think and discover things in your own relationship with God. I feel like I've gone on some spiritual journey over the past couple of days. I think I read this book at just the right time. I needed it. I've been asking God for answers to so many questions and for strength to fight my mental illness, but I've been forgetting to praise him for all the things he has provided me. I feel so at peace with my current treatment plan and with my living situation. I'm still nervous about trying to make new friends here in Texas, but I look forward to sharing my growing faith with others, and hopefully helping them grow in their faith too. It's been awhile since I've felt this way about God; I've writing prayers, verses, and quotes from the book down in my journal to remind me on the bad days to continue praising God and give him my everything. No matter how big the problem, he can handle it. And with his strength, I can get through the tough days. I'm not saying my life's gonna be easy; in fact, I expect something terrible to happen, because the devil works harder when we grow closer to God.

I know you guys are probably like "shut up about God", but He's doing so much in my life right now. For months, I've been praying for guidance and clarity on what to decide for my treatment. The ED clinics fell through, but if they hadn't, I would never had come to Texas and my relationship with my parents wouldn't be where it is. My parents opened up their home to me. After everything I put them through when I was 19, they were willing to trust me in their home again. This young adults/college small group was open to me, and my mom already knew the leaders. There's well-established and highly rated DBT therapist in the area. People have been sending me books with encouragement and exactly what I need to hear. And most importantly, my cat was able to come to Texas with me. Now, that's God working in miraculous ways. He knows what we need and sometimes, we don't even realize what we need. It's just so incredible; I don't have words for it.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

May 21

My therapy appointment on Thursday went well. I'm gonna continue to see her every Thursday for individual sessions. Later, I'll start the DBT group, but she doesn't think I'm quite ready for that. She wants to work with me on decreasing how often I'm self-harming and the ED issues. The ED issues are spiking this weekend, though. I'm struggling with restricting. I just don't wanna eat anything. I'm getting fat and its causing me to spiral. All, I've had to eat today is half an apple, and a Starbucks Doubleshot. Chickfila is for dinner; I dunno if I can bring myself to eat it. But if I don't, my mom's gonna start worrying.

I'm still cutting 2-3 times a day. I somehow have made it this far into Saturday without cutting, but I don't expect to make it til bedtime. I hate these struggles and I really hope the DBT helps. I wanna get back on track and feel better about everything.

Underneath all of my SH and ED issues, I'm dealing with my intense emotions of BPD and the reoccurring grief of my bio-mom's death. I'm really struggling with everything that's happen. I should be able to sort out my thoughts, accept things as they are, and be okay. But I feel so all over the place and mixed up. I've been praying all day for guidance, wisdom, peace, and security. I just hope God is listening and things will start to sort themselves out. I'm listening for answers, or at least trying to remain open to them.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

May 18

Today, I had my psychiatrist appointment. It went surprisingly ok for the most part. I told him about how often I was cutting and asked if he could increase the dose of naltrexone to help with the urges. He said he couldn't increase the dose, which was disappointing. But he did increase my Zoloft, so I guess that's good. He seemed nice and like he knew what he was doing but he seemed tied by a lot of restrictions. At first, he wasn't even sure he could prescribe the naltrexone at all. They weighed me there, too. I've gained even more weight. I'm getting fat and am freaking out. I shouldn't have thrown out those diet pills last week. I need them. I need to lose like 30 lbs. How do I do it without my mom noticing? I need to come up with a strict diet to stick to. Its so hard to not let the ED thoughts creep back in and take over, especially when I have so many changes in my routine and lifestyle. I think I'm gonna buy diet pills again tomorrow when I go out. I know I shouldn't and that I need to focus on recovery, but its so tempting and I dunno how to fight the temptation. My mom says that she can deal with the cutting, but the not eating scares her because the possibility of heart failure. I feel guilty for buying the pills, because driving my dad's car to bible study is a privilege and stopping on the way to buy pills feels so wrong. I feel like I'm betraying their trust. I feel so conflicted- like a war is going on inside my head. Buy the pills- don't- restrict- don't- buy the pills- don't- restrict- don't. You don't wanna lose their trust- who cares- you can't lose their trust- you're gonna screw up eventually... It doesn't stop. I don't know what to do.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

May 17

This weekend with my dad's parents in town went better than I thought. I spent most of Saturday with my mom. We went to a baby shower and church, while my dad, brother, and my dad's parents hung out at home. Then Sunday was my brother's 8th birthday. We made him a birthday cake and went out to eat. The interactions with my dad's parents were awkward, as expected. But they didn't ask or pry into my personal business, so that was nice. And I did make it 2 days without cutting! But the 2 days is over. My mom keeps talking to me about this book she's reading and asking me questions about how I feel and how BPD affects my thoughts. Most of the conversations are super uncomfortable. Someone also sent me 2 books on cutting and my mom wants to "screen them" before I read them, because she doesn't want me to feel any more shame than I already do. Way to make me feel like I'm weak or something. Like I can't even handle reading self-help books. I know she means well. But I feel like she's taking too much control, which is no good for Ana. I've been having a lot of Ana thoughts the past couple of days, but am too fat to act on them. Ever since I weighed myself, last week, I just see fat all over my body and nothing else. I dunno what to do. I need to start restricting again. I've been eating just half an apple for breakfast every morning, and a Starbucks Doubleshot (210 calories). For lunch, I'm backing down to miso soups (20-30 calories, depending on brand). And for snacks, my mom bought me celery and carrots. Then I have to eat normal dinners with everyone else. That would still be fairly healthy, right? I wouldn't really be restricting; just choosing to eat healthy.

Things coming up:

-Tomorrow, I have an appointment with the psychiatrist; hopefully, he/she won't make too many changes to my meds
-On Thursday, I have another appointment with the DBT therapist; we'll make a decision if I'll start DBT or not
-On Thursday night, I have bible study again

Friday, May 13, 2016

May 13

Oh, has it been quite eventful these last couple of days. I'm so fucked up and don't even know how to handle everything that's going on around me and in my head. Where do I even start?

Last night was really hard and I'm still upset. I weighed myself; I've gained way too much weight. I'm almost to a healthy BMI. I'm fat. I feel so disgusted with myself. My parents were at their bible study. So I drove my dad's car to Walmart and bought diet pills before I went to my bible study. I was so devastated at how much I've gained. I've thought about OD-ing. But stuck with lots of cutting. I'm now cutting 2-3 times a day. It's out of control. Everything seems to be out of control. Anyways back to the diet pills (we'll come back to the cutting). At bible study, I really prayed and tried to take in what was being said. The message was about how to start a transition. What's the first step I needed to take to start whatever I'm transitioning into. I decided getting rid of the diet pills was the step I needed to take to transition to healing at that moment. I went out to my dad's car and got the diet pills and threw them into a trash can. I felt like I had done something awful. I feel so mixed up about buying them to begin with, but then throwing them out. I feel conflicted. I wanna start restricting but I want the DBT therapist to believe I'm serious about treatment.

That brings us to tonight's special event. My dad walked in on me cutting. I grabbed a blanket fast enough to cover everything and just said "I don't have pants on" and he was like "that's awkward" and left. I dunno what to do. I'm staying in my little brother's room while my dad's parents are in town this weekend and I dunno if I can go 2 days without cutting. I can barely go 2 hours without cutting. Its gonna be a rough weekend.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Intake Day

The appointment went alright. We discussed my previous experiences with treatment and why I wanna do DBT. I told her I wanna get healthy so that I can take care of my cat and finish my degree. I was honest that I've been cutting every day and she wants to try to not cut one day this week. Instead, she wants me to try some guided relaxation things. I'm willing to give it a try. My only worry is the next day, I'll cut more than usual or deeper than usual. I haven't cut today; my mom kept me busy all day. We went to the DMV and were there for a couple of hours. Then we had lunch and went grocery shopping. Then picked up my brother from school and went to my appointment. As soon as I got home, I went to pet my kitty baby for a few minute and clean his house and feed him dinner. Its been a super busy day and I still have bible study tonight. I wish tomorrow was gonna be pretty chill, but my dad's parents are coming to visit and will be staying in my room, so I gotta clean and organize stuff before they get here. I haven't seen his parents since Christmas 2011, right before my major breakdown when I dropped out of college and got stuck in and out of hospital. I dunno how they feel about me or how they feel about me being back under my parents roof. I feel like they probably hate me. But I'm a borderline; I think everyone hates me.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

May 10

I was supposed to have my intake appointment with the DBT therapist today, but it got rescheduled for Thursday. So I just tried to remain numb and watch tv most of the day. I looked at myself in the mirror and almost cried. I've gained so much weight and look disgusting. I dunno how I'm supposed to continue eating all day when I look so gross and fat. I just wanna take a knife and cut my stomach off and cut the sides of my thighs off. I hate seeing and feeling all my fat. I just can't stand it. I can't stand seeing it or thinking about it. I want it gone. I was doing so good before I was hospitalized and sent to Texas. Ok, good isn't quite the right word. But it doesn't matter if I'm eating or not, I'm still suicidal! What do I do?

My mom is holding my meds to prevent an OD. And she's being extra observant, because we talked some about how bad I'm doing. I dunno if I can hold it together until Thursday. And what if Thursday doesn't go well? Just a lot to think about and cope with. I also need to be working on deciding a health plan for Medicaid, and I should clean my room. So I have things to occupy my time the next few days. I just hope its enough.

Friday, May 6, 2016

May 6

My anxiety has not eased. And the self-injury is becoming more of a problem. Its like I switched the eating disorder habits for self-injury. I'm cutting daily- like literally haven't missed a day in almost a week. And to be honest, I'm starting to have urges to OD. I really dunno what to do. The DBT therapist isn't gonna think I'm serious about treatment if I tell her I'm cutting everyday. I do want and need help. Its just the urges are so strong and I don't have the strength to fight them right now. If I weren't at my parents, I'd be taking handfuls of laxatives everyday, barely eating, and purging what I do eat. There's no balance in my life- I have to be self-destructive. I wanna just slip away and not be found. I can't fight this illness. My mom knows how hard the last few days have been and has been trying to show me extra support and love. I feel like such a burden on them- I shouldn't even be their burden. My bio-father should have to clean up my messes; I cleaned up his. My bio-mom shouldn't have died; she should be the one helping me through these struggles. I know its not her fault and she'd be here if she could. I would feel just as guilty being a burden on her though. She worked so hard to take care of my siblings and me. And this is how I turned out. My siblings are all successfully working jobs and starting families, while I'm destroying myself and burdening whoever will take me in. I don't deserve love or support. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this family that loves me despite all my faults. I don't deserve my friends. I don't even deserve those who read this blog.

I've taken 3 of my sleep PRNs, so I should drift off into a deep sleep soon and not think about this anymore. My parents are trying so hard to get me the best care they can find under my circumstances and I'm just continuing with the same old shit. I really hate myself right now.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Having a lot of Anxiety

I got a call from the DBT therapist, yesterday, and have an intake appointment in a week. I'm so anxious; I've been filling out the paperwork that I need to bring with me and I feel so nervous answering the questions. I'm nervous. What if they decide I need to be hospitalized? I don't think I do, but I'm always afraid therapists and doctors will just hospitalize me. They may recommend IOP (Intensive Out-patient) treatment. But hopefully it'll just be the group once a week and individual once a week. Should I tell her how often I'm cutting? It's not daily, but it's pretty close to every day. I haven't given my mom my meds.. I'm not purging much. I purged breakfast this morning- it felt great. I know it shouldn't and I shouldn't be lying to my parents. I feel so much guilt, yet I continue to be self-destructive. I really hope DBT helps.

My mom has also been talking about me doing school here in Texas. I don't know how that'll work out. I looked at the Vet tech program here and it's designed a little different than the one back home. I dunno what credits would transfer and what ones wouldn't. I don't even know if I'd get into the vet tech program here. There's so much to think about. I wanna go back to SC to finish my degree. I feel like if I switch my credits, here, I'd be making at least a two year commitment to being in Texas.

The other thing that's been causing me anxiety is my goals to live alone again. I mean I was planning on living with my brother before I got out of control. But am I ever gonna be trusted to live on my own again? Will my family ever let that happen? I wanna live independently and function and be responsible for myself and Tiny. How do I prove to everyone I can do that? I know I'm thinking too far in the future. I just have so much anxiety about everything.