Disclaimer: This is my blog- my opinions that are just as valid as yours. We’re gonna disagree on some things, but that’s life. If something truly offends you, I apologize for it and encourage you to bring it to my attention. This blog isn’t meant to offend any one. I just wanna be open about who I am and honest about the way I feel.
Thin for Ana was created as a pro-ana blog, a blog in favor of being anorexic, but I wanna use it to track my progress in recovery from now on. I’m leaving up the old blogs, pictures, quotes, and videos that were there to encourage me to not eat. While most would disagree with me, they’re a part of my recovery and help me see how far I’ve come (like the box of journals that keeps getting heavier). I can’t change what I’ve done in the past. I only have control with what I do now.
I wasn’t ready to open my blog up until now, because I was still trying to hide my secret obsession with anorexia. Now, that I am working on recovery, I wanted to share and I decided on February 24, because it is the first day of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.
I turned to anorexia and self-injury, because I felt like an outcast at home, and was afraid of rejection at school. During, and after, the cancer and death of my bio-mom, everything seemed out of my control. Self-injury gave me power, along with a rush of adrenaline, and anorexia was control. No one could force me to eat, and how long could I go before someone even noticed I wasn’t eating?
In eighth grade, I heard about pro-ana sites, and I wanted to understand. I already knew the concept of anorexia, as a serious eating disorder, but I wanted to understand the concept of how does someone be in favor of something that could kill them. It didn’t take long for me to understand. A few months after discovering pro-ana blogs, I began dieting and counting calories. It wasn’t until my junior year of high school that anyone noticed I was struggling with food, but I didn’t think I was anorexic (I was within normal BMI, and I ate, at least, a candy bar, every day). I don’t remember who confronted me about it, but a couple of people come to mind. I helped out at football games and would stay at school until late at night. The athletic trainer started noticing that I didn’t eat at school, and brought it up to me. My guidance counselor and the school psychologist confronted me several times, especially after I was hospitalized for the first time. I kept telling them that I was eating enough and felt fine.
During my first semester of college, I became really close to a friend, struggling with bulimia. Without knowing it, she helped me realize that I was struggling, but I didn’t want anyone to know. I thought I could deal with it on my own. I tried to convince myself that I was just pro-ana, like it wasn’t the same thing as anorexia. Last August, my therapist sent me to the hospital for suicidal ideation and my lack of motivation to live. I called her the next day, and said, “I know I’m anorexic, but I’m not ready to give it up.” I enjoyed being anorexic, every last bit of it. It empowered me.
A month ago, I was ready to break free. I was committed to the hospital at the beginning of January, because I was really sick. It took a few weeks for me to pull myself together, but my sister’s support and perspective helped me realize that I had built up a giant wall between me and the rest of the world. I had trapped myself, but coming to this conclusion meant that I could un-trap myself.
What has been helpful for me since discharge from the hospital?
- Hanging out with my sister and trying new things like star fruit
- Journaling
- Positive Affirmations (they seem so stupid, but are actually helpful)
- Sticky notes to remind me to take my meds (important part of treatment!)
- A letter that I wrote to myself- it’s a step-by-step guide of how to work through my emotions
- Really practicing DBT skills
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