Minor Relapse

I hesitated to open my blog to non- "pro-ana" followers, because I was afraid of how people that know me and care about me would respond to my struggles and if I relapsed. I didn't want anyone to be angry with me or controlling. I want understanding, but I realize that it's hard for people to understand when they aren't going through an exact replica of my life. I know people care about me, but sometimes I forget. i'm trying to get better, and that's why I am being honest.

I had a relapse these past couple of weeks. It started with skipping breakfast, and then lunch. I noticed that I wasn't eating, but told myself that I wasn't hungry. I only skipped dinner, once or twice, but I still knew I was headed for a complete relapse. Especially, when I started calculating calories in food that other people were eating. My urges to cut were very strong this past week. I've drawing on my arm to calm myself, but it's not the same. I haven't cut, which is good.

I'm trying to develop a new plan for preventing relapse. I've been good about forcing myself to eat, this weekend. I'm trying to remind myself that people fall and always have the choice to get back up. It's difficult, because I think I deserve to fall the rest of the way down. Then there's that part of me saying, "Just wait. If someone comes to save you, then you'll be fine. And if they don't, it's because no one cares and you don't deserve to keep going."

I didn't write this blog, because I want people to be concerned. I wrote it to just update people. I want people to know that- yeah, I'm still struggling and most days, I don't wanna get out of bed. But I do and I'm learning to face my struggles. Most importantly, I wrote this blog, because I am scared that I've f***ed all the progress that I've made, and need acountability in order to get back up.