Ana never leaves

The thing about Ana is I know as long as I hold on to her, she'll never leave me. But everyone else will. This week, I lost another friend. She was one of my closest friends. When we first met, I was in a miserable place, and she opened her home to me. I couldn't pay her and felt like I was such a burden on her. I never thought we'd bond, the way we did. We had this weird bond that no one else could understand. A thirty year difference in our age disappeared when we were together. She was a role model and an amazing one. She survived cancer three times, and even though her hair never grew back, she was so strong and beautiful. We used to laugh, thinking about how other people saw us. Two ladies walking around the store, one bald and the other show multi-colored hair. We had so much fun together and she always made me laugh, even when I had just attempted suicide. She cared so much about me and I cared about her. We checked on each other and played nurse when it came to meds or if one needed to go to the doctor. I miss her so much. It makes no sense in my mind that someone I knew for less than a year made such a big impact on my life. We went from being neighbors who never spoke to roommates who cared about each other like family. The hardest part is I knew she was sick and kept telling myself to not grow a relationship with her. I knew I was gonna lose her, but she was so much fun to be around and understand me and the things I've gone through. She went through similar, yet very different thing. I keep telling myself to not cry but I feel like my heart keeps getting ripped out. All day, I've been crying. Last time, I cried like this, I picked up the phone and called her. I was upset, because I was no longer able to communicate with my old therapist. When things like this, happen, I feel like the only way to keep myself alive is turning to Ana, someone I know that'll never leave me. I wanna curl up in the arms of Ana to cry and let her nurture me, even though I know that she'll slowly destroy me. I know that Ana will do more harm than good, but what good is the pain I feel?

Ana's incredible, because she attracts me and destroys me all at the same time. She hold me and makes me feel like I matter, but she also isolates me and slowly takes away my confidence. I wanna be Ana, strong and free, but I know that eventually my strength will be taken away with my life. Now, I sit, questioning what's right and wrong; where will I be safest- riding the waves of pain, or in the arms of Ana?