Spiritual Growth

I have a job!! On Saturday, I start working at the local grocery store as a cashier. I'm very excited to start, but also nervous.

These past couple of weeks have been full of growing opportunities. In the past couple of months, I have been more open to visiting my friends churches. As I've attended church on Sundays and talked to my friends about the possibility and idea of there being a God, I have started questioning my lifestyle and all the choices I have made. At first, I would just lay there thinking about it all and read self-help books. Then my friend gave me a bible- I have had bibles in the past and read them, understanding very little and just feeling as though I was reading some sort of magical fairy tales. But I've been searching for specific answers in the bible, using a guide in the back that list topics. I have found answers to questions I had about relationships, forgiveness, hopelessness, and even money- Who knew you could find financial advice in the bible?! It seemed a little crazy at first that all this real life lessons and information could be found there. I started to pray for more guidance and actually feel like I've been blessed with such.

So about two weeks ago I started going to a Friday night study at a church nearby. Its all about eliminating bad habits and becoming more like Jesus Christ. The people there are so welcoming and seem understanding. The first week a few of the ladies and I sat around discussing questions I had about God that I hadn't quite come across the answers yet. They explained what they and directed me to where I could look in the bible to find more answers. As I read and more things become clear, I'm also finding more questions I have. However, even with all my questions, I've felt so much more open to God and this week, I even feel open to the idea of Jesus Christ. Its complicated to explain what I mean by that, but I struggle to hold on to faith and often switch between being completely against the idea of a God and leaning on faith to get me through life. This week, I came to the realization that I was never really atheist but so terrified and angry with God that I thought if I didn't believe in him, I could hide from him.

Even with this spiritual growth happening, I still do not refer to myself as Christian or a Godly woman. I am just a person, who happens to think there may be a God.