I start work tomorrow. I'm really excited to go to work, and to be bringing in some money for my hard-work. But I'm nervous. I'm afraid of getting overwhelmed and messing up. I'm afraid of completely failing. What if I fall over the edge again. I know I'm doing so much better than I was and can handle a lot more than I used to be able to. But I'm nervous.
The biggest problem with my anxiety is it sends me in this spiral. I start to feel like I've already somehow screwed up. I feel the need to punish myself. I start to think about all the things that I've done wrong in the past. I began to question any progress that I've made in my life. I began to feel hopeless and insecure. Then Ana creeps her way back into my mind. I have her whispering in one ear and people yelling and cursing and complaining and bitching in the other ear. All I can do is try to tune it all out- separate myself. But I feel so trapped. Everything closes in around me and I'm too fat to fit.
I'm trying to not freak out and to not let my thoughts and fears carry me away. I don't even know how to stop the worrying and anxiety. Ah......I'm slightly freaking out, today.
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