I'm trying to stay focused on the Suicide Prevention Walk, which takes place next weekend!! I am looking forward to it and am super excited that I raised $300 (my original goal was only $150)!!! Things are going so well right now. Work has been great and my coworkers seem to like having me around. I still hang out at place, where I've been going as my day treatment. I went up to an apple orchard with some friends this weekend. My sister and I hang out almost weekly. My mom and I have been texting a lot- every time i get a text from her, I feel so good inside. I wish they knew how much I loved them and how much they're wanted in my life. I'm in a good place in my life. I have a lot of support, which is why I'm trying to fight this anxiety that is eating my insides.
I'm happy and can see all the good in my life. But I'm stressed out over apartment stuff (not finances- just inspections and bug spraying and stupid stuff). My apartment is clear, so why am I freaking out?! They already told me my apartment is good to go. The thing that stresses me out about it is people being in and out of my home (when I'm not home), leaving my door open to let paint dry (I know its over, but seriously!! I wasn't even home!), and spraying stuff inside my apartment that could potentially make my kitty baby ill! I'm very unhappy about this. I understand the monthly inspections to ensure we are taking care of ourselves, but now were doinng weekly inspections. And I also understand that management is stressed-out right now, but I seriously have meltdowns every night for the past two weeks. I feel invaded, and disrespected. And part of me really wants to pack up my shit and run. I can't handle something bad happening to Tiny. I also can't handle the thought of losing all my belongings again. If I'm gonna lose my stuff anyways, why have a home to put it all in? I'm stressing a lot.
I'm trying to take a deep breath and not be overly dramatic, but I'm starting to think that maybe this apartment was yet another bad decision on my part. I'm an idiot for agreeing to put myself in this situation. I hate being so stressed out about this stupid stuff. And my mind has decided to not give me peace. When I'm not stressing out and ripping myself apart over the apartment stuff, my mind goes to Ana. Which right now, I'd rather be Ana than deal with this. I have not relapsed, I just constantly think about relapsing. I weighed myself- actually, I've been weighing myself a lot, lately. And, I weigh a lot more than I want to weigh. I've let myself gain about 15 lbs since January. Its disgusting and wrong. It really grosses me out. When I look in the mirror, everything looks fat. I'm trying so hard to not go into details because it's not your business. How did I let myself get fat? Like what the hell? And I wanna blame my meds for increasing my appetite. Thank you, medication, for ruining my life!
I know I'm a total drama queen tonight; that's why I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks. I had to decide if I really wanted it out there that I'm a fat cow, who's overly materialistic! Well, now it is. There.
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