It's hard to wanna eat when obesity is the main focus in the world of health. Logically, with my genetics, I'll probably never be overweight, but I still worry about it. The obcession with not wanting to overweight is not the only reason that I struggle so much with my eating. And even the self-destuction part of it isn't what's causing my struggle. I just don't like to eat. I'm scared to eat anything with fat. I hate calories. Raw meat grosses me out and I don't wanna touch it, so I don't like cooking it- I've decided to go vegetarian again. Something in my mind says I must be under 100 lbs. Then, there's just the habit of skipping meals. I don't get hungry like I should. When I do crave food, it's sugar. Sweets. Fattening, sugary, high-calorie sweets. Carbs. Fat. By the time, I see it, or have eaten it, I feel so sick to my stomach. I want to be healthy, but I don't want to eat. It's like a constant battle in my head.
People try to get me to eat. I always have granola in my bag and I try to drink an ensure every day. But it's been the same granola for a week, like I haven't refilled my container, because I eat each grain and nut, individually, and never actually finish my one cup container. I'm not counting calories again, and I'm trying really hard not to. Instead, I just move my food around on a plate, and then I put half of it away. I eat half of what's left and throw out the rest. It's wasting so much food, but I know I won't eat it. I'm actually starting to make smaller portions, and trying to put away 3/4 of the plate and then eating the rest. I know it's not actually any healthier, but at least I'm not wasting as much money. If anyone has any new ideas to help me get back on track with recovery, please share them with me!!! I do want to be healthy, and I really don't wanna fall into another depression episode.
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