Relapse in honor of the MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS

I'm feeling quite conflicted about my recovery, today. My mind just keeps repeating, "If you can't do it right, then don't do it at all." This week, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. It's so hard for me to understand, because last week, I felt hopeful and strong. Now, I just feel like the stregth has been ripped out of me.

I just want everyone to know that I don't want to be the way I am, right now. I wanna be strong and confident and able to hold myself together. I wanna be independent and successful. It's hard to be that way when it feels like others continually put you down. I'm tired of being sorry for being intelligent and for doing what I feel is best for me. Sometimes,, I wish so badly I didn't know anything. I more than often, think about how if I stopped eating, started drinking and doing drug, or just banged my head on the wall, I might kill my brain cells. Maybe I'd kill the ones that regulate emotions and will be numb and able to focus on knowledge, and go back to school. Or maybe the ones that control my intelligence will shrivel and die. Then I'll finally be hopeless and worthless, the way mental health professionals see me.

I've also thought about maybe if I took my life, leaving behind journals, someone will finally listen to me. I dunno why its so hard to listen to me. I'm just as important as anyone else and deserve the same respect! Today, I was cooking with a deaf guy and realized that he was able to understand me better than people who can hear.

It's interesting that in all these mental health videos and articles, they talk about how important support systems are for recovery, but I'm expected to go through recovery all on my own. Actually, I'm expected to not recover because I have borderline personality disorder. Well, just to let all of you know, it is a MENTAL ILLNESS, and through research, they are finding a genetic connection to the ILLNESS. It may be harder to treat than fucking bipolar or schizophrenia, but IT CAN BE TREATED!!!!!!! If mental health PROFESSIONALS would get their heads out of their asses and actually listen to their clients/patients/members-whatever the fuck you wanna call them, people like me would recover. Its so frustrating how I get no support from my TREATMENT TEAM- YES, TREATMENT, BECAUSE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER IS AN ILLNESS IN YOUR STUPID DIAGNOSTIC BOOK. I may not be perfect, or even good enough, but I've been trying my best to not completely relapse. So from now on, fuck off if you're against me recovering. Or you might as well, buy me the pills! I'm done with this bullshit. I have put all my effort forth and am getting to my breaking point.

As far as, Ana goes- I'm done! I can't do it. I've been trying so hard. I just feel so much pressure and need to be in control of something. So yes, starting now, I will be counting every calorie, every gram of fat, and every gram of sugar that I put into my body. And when I get down to 80, fuck all of you!