Relapse sucks! Recovery sucks! Everything just sucks. Relapsing means convincing yourself that all the work that you've done doesn't matter at all. For me, that's 4 months of nonstop work on recovery. Sticky notes, reminding me to take my meds don't is just a waste of paper. Worksheets and diagrams, and even my journals a waste. The weight-the pounds of fat that only I seem to be able to see. The disgusting image I have of myself was all meaningless. I could have continued working towards what I find beautiful. I could have kept up with my bills, wasted less money on sugar and fat. It was all to be healthy, functional. Health is down the drain. I restrict and restrict. I eat as little as possible. When I eat and I actually enjoy the flavor of the food, I tell myself that I must go purge. I haven't. I still have this part of me fighting to get back up. Fighting to remain in recovery. But the thing about relapse is: no matter how small or big the relapse, it seems like recovery was never there. Its like an addiction. Once, you have that drug, you've lost touch with a recovery goal. All that's left is you and that drug. My drug is Ana. And I wanna be Ana, but I also wanna be free. Logically, I know they can't coexist. But Ana will always be there, which means I'll never really be free. I wanna take Ana out of the equation. I wanna take cutting and suicide and fucking BPD out of the equation, but subtracting them scares me, because it leaves an imaginary number- and i hate those imaginary numbers, because they still make no sense to me!
So where do I go from here? I have no idea. I wanna hold it together. My progress with recovery has made it possible for my adoptive parents to forgive me and let me visit them and my new baby brother in June. My progress has shown people that I'm not just a liability problem. I've been able to communicate effectively with my sister. It's like I wanna make it through June before completely falling apart. The question is: Why can't I just get back to progressing in recovery? Its so complicated. I'm still doing worksheets and really thinking things through. Its like I'm working on all the interpersonal effectiveness skills and doing so well, but so not well at the same time. Like I'm asking for simple thing. I'm being assertive about day-to-day tasks, but I avoid conversations about me or my relapse. I don't feel comfortable talking about it. Writing about about it, I can do all day. My mindfulness and emotion regulation skills are slipping. I got distress tolerance down! Especially, the skill of distracting myself. Whenever I'm starting to think about food, I just dive into an activity, or worksheets, or books- anything to just take myself away from calories.
I guess I'm suppose to just keep going. I should review my goals. I have so many goals that I really wanna achieve and I know I can if I had the strength and confidence to. Its so hard because I get trapped in the thoughts and urges...I'm really not sure what to do. I'm done typing.
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