This is what's next!

So, here's the deal. I've relapsed. There's no quesion about it. I started to restrict. I've been having the uges and thoughts to self-harm. I even have moments that I start to plan my own death.

But that does not mean recovery is over! I can do this. I'mm gonna need encouragement and reminders, but I know what I want. I want to be successful as a DBT therapist. I wanna help others that are struggling with the same issues. I wanna teach people that BPD doesn't make a person hopeless. It's treatable; I know it is. With DBT, a support system, the right meds, I can recover, just like anyone else with a menal illness. And just like people with other mental illness, I'm gonna relapse. I'm gonna fall and struggle, but I'm also gonna grow stronger and fight for myself and show others that BPD is not a curse. It doesn't doom you for life. In fact, I think my struggles with BPD and anorexia and cutting- and everything has given me purpose and a dream.

So, here's what is next: I'm gonna eat. There's gonna be days here I restrict. I'm gonna feel alone and hopeless at times. Butt then, I'll feel confident and see hope for my future. I'm gonna visit my family and friends in June. And while I enjoy myself, I'm gonna be mindful that this is a new moment and I have control over this moment. And when I feel triggered and scared, I'm gonna remind myself to be mindful and that I only have control over what's in this moment. Then, when I get back home, I'm gonna get my finances in order, and get ready to return to school. When I return to school, I'm gonna kick ass and study hard. And when I start to struggle, I'm gonna lean on my support system while being mindful of boundaries. WHen I'm doing great, I'm gonna be others' support while being assertive about my own boundaries. I'm gonna be awesome, because I am more than a mental illness and am fighting it!

So, yes, I fell and will probably fall a hundred more times, but I'm getting up and coming back with more confidence and strength every time!