Daily Struggles

Every day seems like such a struggle. I'm constantly battling all these forces around me and in me. Sometimes, I just feel too weak to fight. I feel like a failure when I'm losing a battle that I know I should be able to win. I don't even which way I'm fighting. I'm so confused right now. I know I should be fighting to be healthy and functional. But I wanna fight to be skin and bones. I wanna continue to lose weight. I'm so close, yet so far from my UGW. Today, I'm definitely fighting along with my illness. Instead of fighting against it, I'm agreeing with it and restricting. Tomorrow will probably be the same. I dunno why I have this mindset. I dunno what causes me to feel like I have to be skinnier and smaller. I dunno what makes me think it's ok to starve myself. But I do it anyways. Maybe one day, I'll get help for it, but for now, I think I'm just gonna see if I can reach my UGW.