Weighing myself- FAT

I am so fat! I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I'm terrified of the scale, but I have to weigh myself today. I haven't weighed myself in almost 10 days. I binged today and yesterday, because I got depressed and am weak. I owe 1000 dollars to the hospital, I can't pay my rent, and I don't have a job. I'm ugly, worhtless, and deserve to die. I feel so gross and miserable. I hate myself. I wish I could fast for the next month and lse all this disgusting weight. I wanna be skinny, beautiful, and I just wish I could be loved. My 20th birtday is next week. My family doesn't even talk to me anymore. In december, they made me gain ten pounds. And now, I don't live with them, they arent helping me at all, financially; they don't even speak to me. I'm completely alone, because I'm ugly and fat and a worthless piece of shit. My biological father didn't even want me. Ana is the only thing that I have to comfort myself. I need to weigh myself; I need to know how fat I am. Here we go.... I've gained 3 lbs. 3 lbs of grossness. Of ugly fat. I hate myself. I must fast. I must lose weight. I must work out until I past out. I need to get down to 85 lbs by June 2nd, my brother's wedding. I'm gonna have to work out more, eat less, and hope that Ana can get me there.