There's so much I've been wanting to blog about, but it's gonna have to wait. I have something on my mind at this moment that I just feel I need to share. I'm struggling with a lot of insecurities, right now. That's not really anything new, but I feel so conflicted and confused with everything, lately. I don't know where to start with this blog, because my thought are everywhere. I dunno where the beginning is, so I apologize if this blog gets too long.
As many of you know from reading my blog and just from knowing me, I've had my struggles with family, friends, mental illness- blah blah blah... This is hard to write about because I don't like to talk about things that I've tried very hard to hide. I want to start by saying I'm sorry to everyone I've lied to, everyone I've hurt, and just everyone. I know so far I just sound overly apologetic. It's because I'm scared of the judgements and problems that could stir up from this blog.
2012 was one hell of a year and most of my life I feel like has been hell. I've made a lot of bad choices, most of which made me very suicidal. I felt guilty for screaming hurtful things at a family that loved me even though I wasn't apart of the family. I felt guilty and still do for lying to them, putting myself in danger, causing them to feel unsafe, and there's just so much more that I can't begin to talk about. When I moved in with my adoptive family, I wanted to be rescued from the pain of losing my mom, the fears that I wasn't loved or wanted, the anxiety of growing up and not being able to take care of myself- no one could save me from these things. I realized that no matter what I did or where I went, this misery would follow. I wanted it to go away so badly. I don't know why I couldn't communicate these things, but I was so afraid that something must have been wrong with me- and to a degree, I was right, wasn't I? I had a mental illness. And I know in recovery that you shouldn't think that mental illness is wrong- But it is. It's very wrong, and it makes me feel wrong every fucking day!
I didn't start this blog to cry about being "abandoned" or to go into detail of all the shitty things I did. I wrote this blog, because the person I trusted more than anyone in the midst of all this emailed me this evening. I used to email her, but I gave up. She wanted nothing to do with me, or that's how it seemed. Her emailing me means a lot to me. It means she still cares. She asked how i was doing. I started typing about how I'm working on getting a car, and finding an independent job, and feeling more confident. But as i typed, I became less and less confident. She was my therapist, so I felt giving an update on my recovery and treatment was reasonable. Here it goes:
"My court order ended this month, so I guess I don't have to go to therapy or see the "doctor" anymore. I haven't actually been to therapy since August, anyways... (I'm not confident enough to put this part in)...Its all okay, though, because I'm actually doing really well. I have accepted my past as it is and have left my future open to possibilities- very, very open. And I even weigh 25 lbs more than I did a year ago...but I try not to think about it too much. Yeah, so life is good. I'm back to being someone's little success story, and the family is sorta starting to like me again."
I stopped there, because I felt overwhelmed with my thoughts. My court order did end this month which is a good thing; i guess it means the court thinks I became competent in the past year?. According to the court order I was supposed to go to therapy once a month and see a doctor every month, but I haven't been doing that. I have valid reasons for this. The therapist, I'm supposed to be seeing isn't a good fit. Her personality just...sucks! I'm sure there's something good about her, however it's not her job. And the "doctor"- the oh-so-lovely doctor, who isn't a doctor. I don't actually have a psychiatrist; I have a nurse practitioner, and I just disagree with her in what medications work for me. I'm not going into it.
In my email to my former therapist, I wanted to sound like I was doing well, and I am in some ways, which I tried to convince her and myself that after I stated things that I'm not ready to discuss on here. Don't worry, it's not life-threatening, or bodily damage, or anything illegal. Just I feel like people would disagree with me and hate me for certain choices I have made. Continuing on, I tried explaining that I have accepted the past- okay, no one really ever accepts the past, but wouldn't it be nice? The whole open future thing was a little- especially, seeing I'm not looking at the future right now, because the future seems like an awful place to be. I then thought I could talk about how I've gained a lot weight and I actually had fat on me, but then that freaked me out and made me- okay, I really don't wanna think about my weight right now.
I decided to just give up on the email, especially after I typed the last part about being a success story. Which I'm not a success story, at least hope nobody uses me as their success story- because I make a really shitty success story. Anyways, I'm glad I could vent to who ever the hell has time to read this. I'm feeling a little bit more at ease surprisingly. But I still haven't sent an email and have no idea what to say. The problem, I want her to be my therapist, but I know she's not my therapist and can't be my therapist. I understand why, but it still sucks. She was a really good therapist, and good therapists are really fucking hard to find.
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