August 22

I can't think clearly enough to write. My life seems so screwed up. I have thoughts just racing through my head and I seem to not be able to slow them down. I'm nervous and sad and hurt and empty and lost and angry and scared. I feel all these emotions and yet somehow I feel numb. I feel like I can't cry and I so badly need to. I feel like I can't speak my mind and I so badly need to be heard. I feel trapped in a shell and not strong enough to break free. And you ask why I feel this way? I have no answer...or a million answers.

I miss my bio-mom. I miss being a small kid and being held in her embrace. I miss telling her all about my school day (well the good parts). I miss her. I miss the relationships I had when she was here. The family relationships. The friends who cared. I miss that. But evenn when she was alive, I feel like I was miserable. Everyone says this started when she died. This started when I was 7 or 8. This started when I started to realize no one really wanted to be my friend. When I started to realize I was the outcast in my class. When I realized I would never meet my mom's expectations. When I realized my dad would never really there for me. When I realized my dad had a new family and I wasn't a part of it. My mom's death was just a catalyst. And now here we are today.

So many things could have been done differently. And I regret so many decisions... but if I hadn't made some of the tough decisions I made, I probably wouldn't be alive. However that might be okay. For everyone.