"I Don't Know"

It's been an alright week. A few slips with purging and cutting, but I'm still alive. I'm trying to take things one day at a time and its hard to just stay in one moment, without thinking about mistakes I've already made, or the mistakes I'm scared to make. Its also been hard, because my friends ask me what I'm doing all day or where I'm going, or what my next plans are. And answering, "I don't know" is getting old for them and me. I wish I just had some sort of direction. I feel like my life's been on stand-by for months now. I've been standing- not even standing, clinging to a balance beam between stability and chaos. And I'm obviously leaning more towards the chaos. I wish I could just tell my friends what I'm doing, what the plans are for treatment, where I'm going from here, how I feel- but I don't know anything. I know how I feel and that's about it. I feel scared and anxious and overwhelmed, and hurt, and sad, and it's like an explosion of emotions is happening in my head and I'm doing my best to contain it all. I feel like no one gets that. But my family and friends- well most of them try to be understanding and encouraging. Other's seem to just tear me down. I wanna cry and I can't. I try so hard to just let it out, and I know the tears are there somewhere, because I can feel them. But I wish I could just break down and let it all out. Its like being trapped inside of a container in a microwave over. I just feel like I'm gonna burst open one day.