The past couple of days have been on the rougher side. I've been struggling a lot with urges to cut and purge. I've only purged once, which is great. But I've been cutting a lot. My right thigh is now covered in cuts and my left thigh has a few cuts on it. I dunno why I'm struggling so much. I just feel so much anxiety and guilt. I feel like I should be doing more. I feel I should be able to handle the stress of school and work. I shouldn't be sitting on my ass all day and I shouldn't be burdening my adoptive parents with my problems. Or even my friends really. I'm worried about my parents finding out how much I'm cutting. I'm also worried it'll escalate to OD-ing. Because that's how it works with me. I dunno if I should just go ahead and tell my mom to hold on to my meds for me or if I should wait and see how things play out. I don't want her to worry for nothing. She struggles with anxiety too and I don't wanna trigger any more anxiety than I already do. I've thought that maybe when I go to the psychiatrist in May, I could ask him to increase my naltrexone (the endorphin blocker) to see if that helps lessen the urges to cut. But it's gonna be a new doctor, which makes me apprehensive about telling them anything. So many things to figure out. Maybe it'll get better with the DBT. I'm on a waitlist for one DBT program and I've been calling another DBT therapist daily to get on her waiting list, but she hasn't called me back. Hopefully, something will come through soon. I realize I need help, but I just don't wanna cause any worry or anxiety on my mom, or even my dad. I still feel like my dad doesn't want me here. I know it's the BPD talking, but it's hard not to feel that way. He's not doing anything to make me feel that way. In fact, he hugs me good night, every night. He talks to me about work and difficult math problems (he's really intelligent and likes challenges). He includes in adult hangout time, but I don't think he wants to. I dunno. I just feel like a burden on them. And I feel like residual emotions and thoughts from last time I was really sick are surfacing. It scares me; things could spiral really fast. I dunno what to do when things get so bad I can't handle it. I've been working on a safety plan; just hope I actually use it.
My mom just came in to tell me where all the bandages and alcohol and peroxide is. Someone figured out I'm struggling with cutting. At least, she's pretty calm about it and not judging me. She's just concerned and doesn't want anything to get infected, which is awesome. She told me that "we're gonna get through this season of life as a family." Let's hope she's right.
I think you should really give your mum your meds before your mindset flips. If you don't want to worry her, you don't have to tell her exactly why. You could just say you're struggling to take them properly, which could be anything from thinking of ODing to sometimes forgetting to take them. Going on to daily dispensing really helped me, though it means daily trips to the chemist. I'm glad your mum at least stayed calm and provided dressings for you. Please make sure you get to a doctor if you think any of the cuts are getting infected.
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