June 8

Two days later than my last blog and I still haven't texted my therapist, I haven't acted on my suicidal thoughts either. I've been cutting a lot though- haven't hit any more arteries, surprisingly. Each day, I feel more alone and empty inside. I'm trying so hard not to isolate, but I also am not telling my mom how bad I'm feeling. She can tell something's up though. She asked me if I was alright yesterday and then asked if I was feeling sad. I told her I was and when she asked "why," I told her I didn't know. I don't know why I'm feeling so down this week. Over the weekend we visited my mom's family. It was an alright trip; there were a few things that upset me. I shouldn't have gotten upset and I tried to not let it show. First, there was dinner, Friday night. My mom ordered my dinner for me; she didn't even let me look at the menu and choose something. She just said "you and willy are gonna get this and share it." Then Willy didn't agree to share with me and told me to stop taking his food. I felt terrible from the long day of traveling and then getting fussed at for eating I didn't even choose to eat. I have no idea how I made it through that meal without crying.

Then there was the dinner party Saturday for my great grandparents 60th wedding anniversary. They wanted to do family photos. One of the photos they did was with my little brothers, the biological great grandkids and the great grandparents. It hurt my feelings that I wasn't included in that photo. I'm a great grandkid, too; aren't I? Or does the family still hate me for the past? Did I get kicked out and am no longer really part of the family? Was I ever really part of the family? Anyways, that whole fiasco did cause me to almost cry. But I held it together until after we ate. Then I snuck off to the bathroom and purged.

I so badly wanna be part of the family, but I know I'm not. And the fact that I'm not makes me wanna die. My mom's family is coming to stay with us for a week in August; I don't know how I'm gonna be able to handle everything. Stay locked in a room the whole week- if I'm alive still.